I hope today is jubilant celebration
Of a boy we watched grow up
Into a man made of liquid gold
I hope today you eat cake with your best friends
I hope today it takes you seemingly forever to blow out the candles
Because you have everything and everyone you could wish for
I hope today you laugh until your ribs hurt  
And smile until your cheeks collapse
Onto the firm bed of your jaw line, weak with exhaustion
I hope today when the sun has gone down
And the moon casts iridescent shadows on the patch of Pacific
You hear every night crashing outside your bedroom window
That you crash too into your memory foam pillow
Feeling the weight of love this world has for you
We admire more than your pretty face and rich brown curls
Your emerald eyes emit a light of their creation
Your hands covered in rings
I don’t believe to have hurt any living thing
Your lungs with strength incomparable
Sing loud emotions we feel but didn’t have the courage to speak
Your heart is brave, beats hard, loves deep
And moves mountains with the overflowing kindness pulsing in your veins
I hope today you never forget you are loved by a million
I hope today you get a kiss from your number one
Golden Boy,
Happy Birthday, my love

and once i've slept the sadness away
i'll awaken to the splendid light
dawning a new day

of course I'd want you to come visit me in New York
take the subway to off broadway
make snow angles in Central Park
buy overpriced latte's in the glistening rain
but there are invisible bounds
and I must restrain
the bounds of a city
then marked by footprints
replaced now by loud freeways and hippies
the bounds of downtown
once marked by trees and spring beauties
roots once tangled and over grown
cemented over now by sidewalks and shows
the bounds of two souls enveloped in love
as friends not lovers
soul mates, kind of
if I move away
do the bounds bend and sway
or like a string break
and disintegrate away

If I could write a love song to myself,
My younger self,
Because it’s the most important relationship I’ll ever have,
I’d say

Dear Gracie,
I know you are in love with love,
But stay true to who you are.
Your heart is strong, gold, pure.
Don't let young boys break it.
The one meant for you is a long walk
down California’s golden coast,
But, beautiful girl,
He’s waiting for you patiently.
I don’t know what he is like,
I have not met him yet,
But, dearest Gracie,
I know he will make you laugh, and
He will hold you when you cry, and
He will name the shapes in the sky, and
He will pick you up when you fall down, and
He will make you feel like you can fly.

Dear Gracie,
Do not give up hope.
Darling, I know you are in love with love
So, love
Yourself.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say,
Dear Gracie,
When you are sad,
Keep writing letters to your friends
To let them know you will always
Be there for them.
Oh Gracie,
When you cry
Keep writing poems
Because they give you life,
In the early hours of the morning after.
Oh Gracie,
When you are happy,
Grab all your friends
And run around in the sun.
Oh Gracie,
It is okay that you feel intensely,
It means that you love so deeply.
Oh Gracie,
It is okay if you do not want to look
At yourself in the mirror,
Know that you are surrounded by people
Who love your figure.
Oh Gracie,
In the shower
Sing at the top of your lungs
And it is okay if you don’t stop
To smell the flowers.
Oh Gracie,
Take all the pictures because someday
You will miss the way your friends
Smiled, and the way
that dinner tasted.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say
Dear Gracie,
Keep writing your big dreams
On post-it notes,
And putting them up in your window.
Look in the mirror.
Smile, you are beautiful, darling,
I know you do not always feel it.
But you are.
Oh honey,
To me you always are.


Oh Gracie,
Be nice to your sister
Because someday
You will miss the way
She is so much funnier than you.
Oh Gracie,
My dearest, my darling, Gracie,
Be yourself because someday,
You will miss you too.

I I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say
Dear Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because no one else is like you.
Oh Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because I love you.
Oh Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because someday
(Hopefully before your blond hair turns white with speckles of grey,)
you will love yourself too.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say,
Dear Gracie,
I love you.
You are right where you need to be.

I wish I had the words to say to make it go away
Rinse it down the drain
Wash away in the rain
Float off with the clouds
I can see it now
Darling
You look in the mirror
But keep staring at the ground
Darling
The girl in the red dress
Oh God, who is she now?
Why is she not here when I need her most?
The one in the red dress
Darling
I need her ghost

Standing in the mirror
But staring at the ground
She’s still here
She is changed now

Standing in the mirror
Rip open the closet
There it is
Red so solid, so pure
Like ruby jewels
Won in a duel
by the treasure connoisseur

Red like rose
Strawberries
Lipstick
Tomatoes

The dress
Pristine like the day she wore it

I wish I had the words to say to make it go away
Rain, wash it all away

Large dewy teardrops
Fall heavy
From the sky
Settle on the ground
Reflection
I frown

Darling
You look in the mirror
But keep staring at the ground
You can see only yourself now
Why do you frown?

Darling
lift your head up
I am here
with you now

The girl in the red dress
The best of me
I must confess

Drown my sorrow in cups of tea
The only place I want to be

The overflowing heat
Melts away my fears
Only for a moment though
Until the cold sets in
Adheres

Anxiety can crawl back in
Hidden in the snow

Unnoticed

Alone

I feel alone


So I make another cup of tea
Alway in my favorite mug
You see
My body craves routine
It sets my mind free

Camomile, mint, jasmine, chai
Whatever the flavor,
Always by my side
I promise I will savor.
The moment my anxiety was shoved
Outside

It would be terrible if you found out
But I think you'd still talk to me after some time
You might already know
But the problem is you're too much of a gentlemen
To let me know that you know what I know about you
But they know
The people you know
And who's to stop their delicate pink folds of skin
Trap the sound vibrations inside their mouth
Before their warm breath fogs up the crisp air
The secret escaping

I'd be so easy for them to open wide
And let it out like a lightning strike
Shocking news of untold truth
It's okay
I'd understand
The temptation of gossip is hard to withstand

I could hardly keep it in myself
My blushes and laughs
Wanting to hang out at sunset
Like distant thunder claps getting closer and closer
Tempting the lightning to strike
Right here, the roof I am under

Meanwhile your eyes were on her
So how much of me you registered
I'm not so sure
But you're a kind gentleman
You'd never say
Instead, let it all fade away
With the breeze of a cool fall day

So, when we get coffee or lunch
Never dinner or brunch
I staple my mouth shut
Take no chances on weak lips
Leaking trembling heart vibrations
Someday, 8 years from now
Thunder will clap softly in the background
I'll let my lips speak freely
The truth crawling out
Covered by the dust of 10 years of memories
Thunder getting louder and louder now
"I was in love with you once, ..."
Lighting strikes
Burns this roof down
Deep breath, I pause
Let no more sound speak its cause
That's enough lightening for one day
Any more sound and the whole town will burn down
Once again I'll pull out my office supplies
That I once shoved in back corner of my mind
And staple my lips closed again
At least now he knows what I thought he knew
And what they knew
And what I knew since the day I saw you in the library room

Far off in a distance
Thunder claps again
Faint, but creeping ever closer
How soon will it be
Till lightning strikes another dismembered tree?

When I was zero
I hope Dad felt like a hero
Holding me between his fingertips and elbow  
I scream from the shallow depths of my premature lungs
Nothing could calm me except for my thumbs
He carried me to the crib Mom built in a freshly painted room
It was probably white, but I can only assume
He could feel my pulse through his skin as my chest billowed
Dad laid me down gently so my head rested delicately atop a light pink pillow

When I was three
I was sad to leave the table under the lemon tree
And say goodbye to my artwork
To be enrolled in preschool at Mom’s work
Where employees build satellites and rovers
In the kid’s room, refusing to be a pushover
I got in trouble on the train track carpet
My cheeks burned scarlet
And scraped my chin falling off the money bars
For a moment I saw beautiful stars
I sat at lunch with apple slices
A few miles away Steve Jobs builds electronic devices

When I was four
God added to us one more
She’ll grow up to be taller than me
Only by an inch
When she scared me I wouldn’t flinch
Some days it felt like were Cain and Abel
As we sat fuming at the coffee table
But since your first breath of air in the hospital
Our bond has been unbreakable

When I was five
I pulled on a crisp white polo
Never without the school logo
Over my tangled blond hair
Zipped up a blue plaid jumper
With a matching sweater
The first day of school
What a day to remember

When I was six
I could not do soccer tricks
Dad bought me my first ball
Us girls got to decide what team name we would be called
Running around on the field
Rambunctious energy revealed
Oranges at half-time and Gatorade for the thirsty
Every year, I got a new colored jersey
Dad always refereed, Mom always cheered
It wasn’t long until I changed sports career
Gymnastics, volleyball, swimming, cross country
I tried each one in turn
Non-stop mediocre

When I was seven
Singing was my primary personality expression
I joined my churches children’s choir
Belting with boys and girls as if my tongue were on fire
We stood center stage
A pastor prayed
“Dear Jesus,
We thank you for the way you have blessed us through our kids
Give us the strength to do whatever your hearts bids
Amen”

When I was nine
I became aware of my spine
Mom signed me up for piano lessons
Learning music was a task for virtuous adolescents
On Tuesday’s I practiced with a smile
On Wednesday’s I thought it all vile
The teacher from Russia was intimidating, I admit
One day I stood on the stool and said “I quit”

When I was twelve
I didn’t know myself
Every day my body was changing
Every atom under my skin rearranging
Boys pointed and called me names
Girls laughed behind my back and played nasty games
I never understood why they call this school private
Everything I do is public knowledge in this climate
They call themselves Christians
But without CHRIST all I see are IANS
Immature Anxious Nefarious School-Kids

When I was seventeen
Wedged between two couples I sat between
I rode in a limo with friends to junior prom
Like a classic 80s rom-com
Dressed up to the nines
We took pictures in the sunshine
Never been asked on a real date
Probably why I’m independent and stay up too late

When I was eighteen
In my skin tight denim jeans
I started college in Montecito
Everyone had patagonia and that post-surf glow
A few years later the Royals moved in
Somewhere nextdoor lives Degeneres comma Ellen
But it’s okay because so does my best friend

When I was twenty
Almost no one at school was throwing confetti
I witnessed my first racially motivated student demonstration
After praising Jesus for our spiritual liberation
At school, on the news, in my town
Media making noise for brothers and sister Black and Brown
My sister and I made signs
Walked to the square ears open, eyes wide
Stood still
Listened
Pain, tears, anger that run in their veins
But hasn’t touched the surface of my pale frame
My blue eyes get red and swollen from time to time
But have not felt the weight of false accusation of crime
Of the multi-generational pain and censure
Their beautiful caramel brown irises have had to endure
I cannot begin to imagine
So I pray “Jesus, grant me compassion
Understanding and wisdom
Give me extra kindness, Holy Spirit help me spread the Kingdom”

Now I am almost twenty-two
These days the sky doesn’t seem quite as blue
Eyes numb to the dim overhead haze
Of the flickering light shadowing my days
It’s been long windy road to get here
Live loves to kick me in the rear
But I hold onto hope and don’t give up cheer
I shouldn’t cast my light from the mold of a pandemic year

I only write poems when I'm manic
I collect words when I panic
Gather them up in a picnic basket
To spread them all out before me
On a rainy afternoon
But I am inside, you see
Where the rain can't touch me

I spread out my words
Like peanut butter and jam
Putting them together all over again

But now the bread's soggy
And the jam too is watery
My eyes drip liquid glass
Reflecting every part of me
The mania has ceased
My energy deceased
Sadness now caresses me
Exhaustion slipped inside of me
I guess even inside
Somehow the rain found me

i have my mother's skin
freckled and fair
my dad's nose
sloped and refined
my grandad's curiosity
vibrant and pestering
and my grandmother's voice
poetically overflowing

i have my mother's emotions
capricious and antagonistic
my dad's perfectionism
bleek and disciplined
my grandad's stubbornness
punctuated and impervious
and my grandmother's faith
gentle and unfailing

i am what i am
i am who i am
because they have raised me

Dove dark chocolate
Black coffee with almond biscotti
Raspberries and Engstrom almond toffee
Oma I miss you
I’ll see you in 80 years, or so
Have a cup of mint tea for me


Rosemary and Malbec
Ginger snaps and lavender
Grandma why does my dorm room
Smell like old memories of you


I think I left my sunglasses on the dining room table
The last place I saw you
Dyed blond hair, gold necklace, and your sweet soft smile
You gave me your blue jacket
Perriwinkle blue raincoat
Oma it’s raining
I’m making you tea
Dove, deliver it safely to the clouds above me

It's okay that you don't know that to say
And didn't like me back
I've been holding on to this for so long
It needed to come out
Eventually
We've been friends for so long
And that's so much more then I deserve to ask for

I am not fat
So please
Stop
Thinking It
I am beautiful
I am fit
I am so loved
More
Than I could even know
Could ever
Comprehend
At the foot of the cross
My soul
Feels the weight of a fraction
Of its worth.
A fraction
Is all I
Know, Because I cannot
Comprehend
The rest
May I rest
In you
At the foot of
The cross.
Think of this

I have loved
Well
I have been kind
I know happiness
Even joy
I am not fat
But my life holds
So much weight
Could never
Comprehend the weight
Of the rolls
Of ocean tides
Ripples far
and wide
The length of His
Love
Tides made when I give
His light
Kindness
The measurements
Of my steps

The folds of my flesh
Mimicking
The mountain range
Because He made me strong
and wonderfully smart
and vulnerable heart
and soul of gold
Bits and pieces of me kind
and in my mind
and body
He is there
Weighing me
Down
Pressing onto the scale
He is weighing me
Down
Holding me
Heart, mind, soul
Weight
So much, heavy
Love you’re heavy
Filled out
Pregnant, no
Obease
With His love
Kindness
Generosity
Grace
You are my
Love. He is
my kindness
He is
My generosity
Overflowing between every fold
Roll
More
each year
Growing
Multiplying in
Love
Generosity
Kindness
This is my weight.

Torn poster of a dead rockstar
the last 10 cents from a fractured piggy jar
broken cardboard spines
old forehead scar
smashed wine bottle
blood stain that will never come clean
I look around my room
I knew we were broken
how the hell did it it get this far

When I was four
I was no longer an only child
the window-paned double doors to our home
now open to another smile
When I was four I met a baby girl
who's gonna wow the whole wide world
with the sass of her curls
and her charm and fake pearls
When I was four
I no longer had all the attention
your precious crying and laughter
deserved comprehension
When I four
I couldn't have known
how much love your squishy red cheeks
could tug out of my heart
When I was four
I didn't know how much my mental illness
would drag you down with it
When I was four
I didn't know how much I'd cry
wishing I hadn't made you feel heartbroken and alone
When I was four
I was so excited to be an older sister
I didn't know how much
I'd let you down
But when I was four
I had only a sliver of the love
that I have for you now
Almost two decades later
You have my whole heart
Happy birthday baby sister

I'll be mad at God for you
If he doesn't find you a wife
You're too kind to go without sharing your life
There's a stirring deep inside of me
But lips still stapled shut
Thunder and lightning far away from me
Yes, I'll find you a wife if it's the last thing I do

I'll find you a wife with brown eyes
That remind you of forest mountain trails and warm hot coco
I'll find you a wife whose dark curly hair is shiny and soft as the fluffiest clouds in the sky
I'll find you a wife whose thin hands are gentle and whose mind is kind
I'll find you a wife who makes you laugh so much your eyes crinkle and your stomach ache
I'll find you a wife who makes a perfect dark roast brew just for your coffee break
I'll find you a wife who knows how deep you love, and loves you back just as hard
You'll trust her with your life
She'll love you, the whole you, the good parts and your scars
I'll find you a wife who's everything you've been patiently waiting for

And when that someday approaches
8 long years have passed
And we live under the same stars, but miles and miles apart
I'll unstable my lips
Thunder will clap, lightning strikes back
and finally say, ..." and I think I still do"
So I'll be mad at God for you

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces
Rooms
Cities

Minuscule compared to dark vast expanding universe
The atmosphere around you
God, I wish I was near you

The sent of pine wood on that old ripped red and grey flannel
Years of camping
Nights spent in hammocks
Twinking stars

That shooting star
A night etched into the soft surface of my mind

Your eyes turn to stardust when you laugh
Forming galaxies never yet explored
For a brief moment I see a glimpse

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces

The pieces swell as I get farther away
But they don't grow large enough to reach me
Only, they pervade the edge of my mind
The etching starts to bleed
Real blood
Metallic
Dark
Like a wine stain on my favorite white shirt

You boxed it up for Christmas with a sparking gold bow
I stuck it on your forehead and glitter fell into you eyes
And still it was nothing compared to the stardust they’re made of

These moments
Memories
Swell like a balloon filled with helium
If I'm not careful they fly away
Drifting back toward the stars
Where they belong
In your eyes
Your soul

If filled too full, they break, burst, shatter
I've never been able to collect the pieces
Believe me I've tried

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces

So I go back to the city
The room
The spot where we would talk for hours
My eyes swell
But fill with water
No stardust to be found
My heart shatters once more

You were never mine to begin with
I have to let the balloons fly free
Back to your universe
Your stars
Where they right fully belong

Innonence and sadness
No longer one
But often the other
Your music makes my heart
Desperately want to sing again
Speaks my fears
Makes melodies of my hopes
Produces the background music of my dreams
Innocence and sadness
No longer extremes
I swim in between
In the vast dark blue sea

I began in a garden
Where time, life, humanity started
Unformed dust
Flirted with pure waters
Muddy lifeless clay
With sticks and ribs
God molded His kids
Beloved, in Eden
You shall thrive and stay

When I was older
All the kids say
Sticks and stones will break my bones
But words will never hurt me
1 2 3 beware of their tricks
H-E-Double hockey sticks
Little do they know
When wide-eyed Eve heard the tone
Of the wicked seductive note
No stick or stone broke her bones
But words caused the death of humanity

God called for eviction
Sent an angel and flame
To block the entrance

Wandering through the heat and rain
Humanity lost their way
Only one path remains
To unshackle sin’s chains

I walk the narrow path
Followed His word
Fought spiritual attacks
But my Creator I did betray
Hilly, rugged terrain
Twisting my ankles
Scraping my feet
Left me tired and ******
Foraging among the beats

I stare off the trail
Enamored by the tales
Foretold by the snakehead
By a fallen angel I am misled
Bloodstains mark my tread
Metallic crimson red

Though my blood may drip
The promises of God do not chip
Jesus’ body does not slip
Into chaotic waters
And abandon His warships
Insane it is to think I could ever be the same
Once I let the bloodstain of Christ
Give hope to my pain  

The blood of the lamb
Who washes my feet
Rinses my flesh clean

Judgement day will come
Like a thief in the night
But Saints don't have fear
The Wicked alone cower and sneer
When the holiness of the lamb is near

Time will run its course
Marriage of God with the Righteous
Purity and Body will have *******
The Wicked alone God will divorce

Made one with Christ
He clothes me in white
He hands me a cup
And teary eyed cries,
“Beloved daughter
Drink from the fountain of life”

The clear blue water
Refreshing on my lips
Baptism penetrating my body
Resurrected, purified, holy
Angels sing in worship a refrain
“All glory to God
Father, Savior, Creator, Redeemer
We worship you
Glorify you
How you bless all your creatures”

Michael the Archangel
Stands as best man
Champagne glass in hand
“A toast to the bride
Beloved since the dawn of time.
Faithfulness was steadfast
Even though shaky at times.
She doubted, she wrested
She yelled, she cried
Yet humbled her pride.
Prayed the groom would mend
Her heart and her mind.
A toast to the groom
Who faithfully provides
A path in the wilderness
A lamp in the night.
Like fairytales and chick flicks
It was love at first sight
The groom pursued His bride
With all His grace and all His might.
Now they stand before us
In front of all the angels and Saints
To uphold the covenant
May we forever glorify His name.
Here we stand
Judgement day
The groom’s justice triumphs today.
May the bride and groom
Honeymoon forever
In this eternal city”.

Restored Jerusalem
Blushes with glory.
This is the last bride’s story.

"Hey babe" he says softly "why don't you stay the night?"
I can see his gentle blue eyes twinkle in the fire light
Both of us huddled under blankets
To shelter us from the crisp California breeze
On a foggy spring night
Giving him a smirk, with subtle sadness in my eyes
The kind I hope my mascara hides
Teasing him I answer "I can't"
"That's girlfriend privileges"
He looks down at the fire
Poking it with a tree branch, he nods
Looking back up at me his bright blue eyes piercing mine
He asks compassionately, "who hurt you?"
I break eye contact, wanting to answer honestly
But fiddling with the gold rings on my hands as I do
Spinning one round and round on my finger
"Several people.
Too many people."
He leans closer to me
I can feel his warmth
Smell the sweet musk of his cologne
He gently holds my hands in his
I stop fiddling with my rings
He glides the gold band slowly off my pointer finger
And delicately places it on my ring finger
"One day, I will make sure
The memories of you and me are the only ones that linger"

The reason why I walk around my room naked
is to embrace my sensuality
to fully experience the swaying of my atoms
that kiss the air hovering around me
blanketing me from the harshness of the world
To embrace the rivers traced on my hips
the planets dotted on my cheeks
and feel the passion as each thigh touches the other
in a lustful embrace with every step I take

I fear her.
She throws eggs at her family.
and forces them to tiptoe atop the severed sharp shells.
Like nails they tear open tender skin.
But this does not compare to the bullets she yells.
The arrows she speaks.
Then comes loud insensitive stress-filled words
swirling like a tornado inside herself.
I fear her.
Her breath quickens.
Her lungs tighten.  
Anger is thick in the air.
I fear her.
She hears her heartbeat pulsating,
emotion rising, escalating,
over and over words spilling, spewing out they pierce
her family.
Who loves her nonetheless.
As they walk on the eggshells,
Prancing around the yoke.
This is not a joyful dance.
This choreography was learned carefully, timidly.
She forced them to learn.
I fear her.

She throws another egg, but how was she provoked?

(Commercial voice)
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
The world may never know.

Can someone always trust what they feel?
Feelings are just chemicals, chemicals are just atoms, and atoms make up everything.

Only I know.

This is not a confession. This is an apology.

six feet apart
echos six feet under
are we rising or falling?
the choice is yours
but we can't stay put
this tombstone doesn't like visitors.
which will it be?