You
I told about
what happened this summer,
about my father,
and his wife.

You
whom I just met,
6 days ago.

You
the guy that
made me feel more comfortable
than my own bed
and pillows.

You
scare me to no end
and

you,
make me happier
than I have
in the last 2 years.

I
don't know the beast's name.
Yet I'm still waking up
in a cold sweat
feeling the spot on my back
where it's teeth sunk in.
Feeling it's breath
slither along my neck
and a paw at my waist.

I
see that smile
when beast shook my hand
how it twists into anger
as I push it off me
and it's paw clasps
around my neck.

I
feel it
trying to enter a door
far to small
to accompany it.
My screams being muffled
by it's paw over my mouth.

I
see it's mate asleep in the bed
next to me

I
am screaming for help
falling on literal deaf ears.
Then there's knick knacks being thrown
and the beast's mate is up
steam coming out it's nose.

I hear those words
"Sorry"
haphazardly thrown from it's mouth
as if scripted
like it knew they were going to
slither out and up my neck
just to stop at my lips
with a smirk.

I
see my phone dialing
sitting in my truck
and
I
don't remember it's name.

It's midnight
and my tear stained cheeks
might as well be canyons
carved by rivers
and it takes all of me
to not want to
rip my beating heart out.

With sleepy eyes
tear stained cheeks
and galaxies in your head
I wonder
If you need me

I wish people with a male figure got fat acceptance posts.
I want posts for my friend
who was so scared to take his shirt off just to swim
he had an anxiety attack.
Or for me when I was a teen
and didn't join swim in highschool
because the thought of people seeing my *******
scared me more than my own happiness.
I want them for my ex
who hated his body so much
we went shopping and he cried in
my embrace for almost 20 minutes.
I want a post that tells people with a male figure that's a 2XL or larger. That they deserve to feel good
even though literally no one designs clothes to fit you
and that people think you're a fat slob
and it's more okay for women to be larger than for you.
That you deserve happiness
and to feel ****.
You deserve someone
and no matter what
you matter.

Before
you were like
all the stars in the sky
that once created a gorgeous
skyline.
Waking up in the middle of the night
was like getting my own show.
You made the nights not so hard
it wasn't a fight against my delusions anymore.
I was just one warm hand hold away
from feeling those lights
and seeing the fireworks.

Now
all the stars had gone out.
Your hands weren't quite warm
and your smile not quite calming.
It was like my defender had left
and everything felt empty.
You blamed everything going on in my life
and I blamed me.
Waking up at night was now a battle between
staying here quietly steaming alone
or
leave and hurt my best friend.
I am no where near that hand
and those fireworks had finished their show.

It’s February now

and

you’re scared.

Anxious of the times ahead 
and of the times behind.

You worry about how you will make it in life

and how you’ll get there.

You’ll be sad but that’s okay

just remember

you’ll be okay

I remember we were in your car
and you told me how
you didn't understand one night stands anymore
because now I'm here
and you don't see a need for someone else.
I remember feeling
a sense of want
and gratitude for being
and I held your hand
and choked back tears.

That was two weeks ago.
Now
sitting on my bed
I see those words
"I don't think I can love right now"
and now there are tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry"
Is this how you felt?
I'm sorry Alex.
With nobody in my bed
and nobody to go to
I'm sitting under the covers
with tear stained sheets
matted hair
and clutching my phone.
You were my comfort
and now you don't need me.

When 
you
told 
me
about your

last relationships I realized

that I like you.

A lot.

I wanted to hold you and kiss your head.

I wanted to make the hurt go away and then help the scars.

Your smile was nice

and hearing your words

slither out your mouth as you held back tears.

I knew we will be good friends

I really want you.

This bottle of *****

makes it worse

because your eyes scream of hurt

but your mouth spews hate.

Makes me wonder what you think about me

and what you’d say.

Lately
my ups
are like lumps
and my downs
are cliffs fit for
suicide

You are my birth father and you treated it like some ******* check box on a sheet
like it was a ******* option for you
but not for my mother.
Where were you on those nights
where I was having a panic attack
and my mom called her 9 year old to the hospital?
Or when the 7 year old fell and scraped his gums off?
When you said you loved us,
why did you disappear without a trace
like the fact you loved us
made you so scared
you had to ******* hide.
You're the reason why
my mother deals with being beat all the time
and lies to the police about her bruises.
You tossed her like a grenade
and ducked from the explosion.

I ******* hate you

really ******* hard
to make you laugh and smile
and make you want to see me again.
I feel like though
that smile of yours
was fake
and that laugh
that made my body shiver
and my insides nice
was a lie to send daggers down my spine
and you don't care
because some ***** who didn't deserve you
hurt you.

So you can't take a chance
and see that I would be there for you
and now I'm the hurt one
and you don't care.

You made me
feel like a human being
a man with painted nails
weird clothing and loud quirky personality.
Felt like home that you
smiled and held my arm
and made me feel human
not like the freakshow was open for business.
I felt normal
just for a moment.

Now you make me feel like
I was bit by a snake
that entangled my heart and squeezed it just enough to hurt
when you let go.

At first
I felt like you would be someone
that I could at least ****
and it'd be fun
but as we talked and I learned more and more about you.
I realized I wanted to date and be boyfriends
because you are so amazing
and different
and hurt.
You look like you needed someone in your life that was willing to hold your hand and kiss your cheek.
You met someone willing to do that
but retaliated by
biting his neck and draining all his blood.

Lately killing me
feels like the best kind of gift
to me for Christmas.

The way your smile looks like
a few rough times came in and knocked out your teeth
but the child stayed,
your laugh and it's booming base
like I'm at a metal concert being thrashed around by hundreds of people.
The way your eyes look like someone said something mean to you but you told them to *******,
the way your skins feel against my skin soft like satin with an underlay of warmth.
How you didn't talk to me all week and I'm not mad
in fact all I did was think of you
and your smile, your laugh, your voice and your body against mine.
Finally,
the way your hug makes me realize how infuriatingly fragile I am and your arms are like the paste that holds me together.

I'm falling and I'm scared.

has gone from this demon
of hatred and depression
and has slowly become
an angel made up of
love and happiness.
Looking in a mirror is
no longer a fight to not notice
the flaws and imperfections
but more of a booming concert
celebrating them and noticing
the perfections.

makes me think of your lips
sweet like candy but
something hard behind it.
Watching the liquid pass my lips
make me think
of that morning
you kissed me good morning
and smiled.
The taste mulling in the back of my throat
is tangy like when you and I were at
Jack in the Box and
I knew I had to go home in an hour.
My buzz feels just like
your hands running up my body
and my lips on yours
and our bodies pressed together
as if we were one and your lips
is what kept me alive.

I'm on my third glass
and now it's like your lips
the first night.
Everything was new
and I was a Spaniard
and your body was a new continent.
As if making a map you were something I needed to explore
and I wouldn't stop till I did just that.
My buzz is stronger now
and I can't get comfortable
like the night after I came over at 10pm
and I couldn't sleep
you held me and kissed my head
you were the teddy bear that I
never had.
All I picture with my eyes closed
is your smile and those eyes
and your bone rattling laugh.

Half the bottle is gone
everything is a blur
like when you told me
"You're all I've ever wanted"
and I couldn't say it back.
Even when it was true.
I can't let go of your bracelet you gave me.
It makes me feel clingy
like you point out when I'm not so.
The wine is on my lips now
just like your taste
after you kiss me goodnight
and I spend ten minutes in a trance.

This wine is
candy and it's getting sour now
and it makes me wonder
if it was ever sweet at all.
My wine reminds me of you.

You
your emotions for me
what are they?
First you are mean
rude
angry
yelling
and by the time I ask
"Why?"
You are happy and tell me
I'm yours.

Kids
are mashing their heads
into walls
having a mid-life crisis
at 18.

Lately
the thought of you
makes me drink liquor
like a dehydrated man
to water.
You don't realize it
and I think you wouldn't care
because we don't talk
anymore.

I'm drunk and I just
want to let you know
my head hurts when I see you
because I like you
and I am scared
because I get intense
and clingy
and you don't like that.
So sitting next to you
makes my bones ache
and my muscles scream
like I just ran a marathon. 

When you're sad
which seems all the time now
it gets worse
because now
I want to hold you
rub your back
kiss your head
and tell you it'll be okay, 
but you won't believe me
and I don't wanna be clingy.
I know you like it when I'm not
but I like you
so I have to scream
in my head that I can't
that sitting next to you is fine
but not TOO close
can't text him all day
can't show him this poem
can't constantly kiss him
on the shoulder or cheek
can't make him think
I'm clingy.

My body aches 
head hurts
eyes sink in
pale red lips
cuts in my thighs like
Swiss cheese
and all I want
is to feel those lips
and hear your voice
and see that smile.
I want to text all day
and know you're okay.
Call you when I get 
off work
and hear about your day
and how you feel.
Hear that laugh
that makes my old bones
vibrate as if I'm at a concert.

I am a crazy
clingy boy
and you want someone
that can sit alone
in a house
in quiet
and not feel
a thousand hands
clawing at his skin
and voices screeching and
calling him names.
You want someone that
can fend for himself
but I can't do either
and
I don't wanna lose you.

I'm drunk on liquor
and the thought of you being
happy with me near you.

You were telling me you missed me
I felt your hand slide
onto my back and
your lips against mine.
I felt
true love for you
and your smiles
were genuine
and you cried
when I had to leave.
You would hold me for minutes
when I said I will miss you
and I smiled
from the warmth.

Now

I'm lying in bed
you're in college
and your love for me
gets no reciprocation
I get your feelings
for someone else
and you think
I used you.
You held on
and I tried to
but now
those three words
aren't uttered to each other
and I miss you.

Today I smiled
seeing you next
to me when I woke.
You smiled at me,
but lately
they feel
ingenuine.
(Don't you like me?)

Now I smile
because you want
me to meet your
family.
You joke,
but is it
truth?
( I want to)

I'm smiling
I got to kiss
you in public
and hold hands.
Now you're joking
about your roommate
crying and his
emotions.
Do you not want
yours seen?
(I do though)

Talking to you
today
was wonderful
I haven't had so much fun
in a while.
I smiled
and
felt free.
We even have twitches
in common!

Now I'm home
wishing that
you would
leave him
for me
and
I
know
that it won't happen
at all
and that is what
scares me to death.

Since you left
being happy feels
so weird
like coming down.

You answered my text today
for the first time in a week
now I'm smiling,
but I know it won't last long.

I'm shaking
anxiety through the roof
everything is spinning.
Suddenly I can feel it
how I used to feel
around you
and now tears streak my face
like wiping off water paint on a towel.

My skin is crawling
every time I hear it
the text tone,
for just a moment.
It all stops,
and it feels safe again.

"Jesus Christ that's a pretty face"
I hear varied version of this
and it's nice,
but it seems
no one wants
the inside
just the flesh.

It sounds stupid
since most people
want that problem,
but it isn't fun.
Worrying about
whether people
are your friend for you
or for your body.

Sometimes
I sit on the floor
and wonder why
I am not
6 feet under.

What happened is
you needed me,
and I did not

I'm sorry
that all I ever did was
hurt you.

My head is spinning,
I want you happy sadly
It means I won't be.

When I was 12
I would sit and listen to
love songs and smile
and sing along,
and feel bad when people lost it.
I never understood,
how could someone be so sad?
"They are just a person"
I would think.

Now I know,
sitting up on late nights
looking at old photos
with tears streaming down my face.
Clutching my chest
wishing you were here.
Everyday is like a fight
to see how long it'll take
till you pop on my mind
and crush my soul.
Looking at the sky and knowing
somewhere you are there
and alone.

Now I know
and I hate it.

*** *** *** that's it?
I need to give it up to
make you love me more?

I really wish
I didn't break
now I'm here
on the floor
crying and wishing
you were here
to hold me close.

Like we used
to.
I hate
myself lately.
Because of how
I treated you
and how I made
you feel.
So here I am
wishing I wasn't
now I wish
I was dead.

All the time.

Laying on my bed
music blaring
a slight bzzz from my record
there is an image in my head.

Standing on the top of a building
looking down
watching people go past
wondering what they're doing.
Now I'm crying and smiling
"This is it."
I can't do it though
and that is the worst pain ever.

Summertime sadness
blaring on my radio
sitting on the floor in my room.
Sometimes the ceiling
is so comforting.

You showed me yours
a week ago.
It was on my mind
since then.

I hadn't in a year
"I won't get caught"
I think.
So out comes
those tools
the inconspicuous ones.

Silently I rub it,
play with it.
Now it's on my leg
amist the light browns
There is a shimmering red.
I'm smiling
yet there is a tear.

Now I feel it
how I made you feel
how it feels to feel.

Heart beat
twice as fast
sitting in a car
with tears running down my face.

Puffy eyes
red lines
laying on the floor
clutching my head.

I hear people say
I'm faking it
that I'll get over it,
and all I can say is
I really wish I was
and I will.
I hate these god forsaken pills
and that I'll get over it
because all these thoughts
and second guesses.
I hate it,
and I want it
gone.

Blue skies
Gleaming eyes
Turbulent emotions

It feels like nails are
stabbing into my heart now
Knowing we're not us

Without you
Life is a pale gray
Covered in shades of
Black and white.
Music isn't music anymore,
Books aren't books,
Art is just pictures
Without meaning.

When there was an us.
Everything was happy and rainbows.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm
Sorry.

Is all I can say
When it comes to you
And my love for you
And the lack
You had for me.

Eyes like the bright stars
Smile just as iridescent
You are perfection

A picturesque sky hidden
behind apartments and trees.
Remind me of home,
the proverbial one I was born in
and seen twice.

Blue skies
as if painted onto a canvas
with puffy cotton ***** for clouds.
Cut up by the bland browns and reds
covering the buildings separated by soft hues
of greens and browns.
Ironically making
a skyline.

I love you
three words said too much
but never enough.

Sleepy eyes,
drenched with
the hues of orange the sky made.
Silent words,
floating as passersby
like cars on a free way.
Smiles
that could equal the beauty
of the sunset.

You are beautiful
like a sunset.

I feel
in the great divide
of life and death.
You'll be there first,
and that scares me.
That I will be alone
scared
no advice
your face pasted to
a stupid website
that doesn't matter
people pretend
like you were perfect,
but we know.
You weren't,
but you loved
and now
I'm crying.

Hoping to die first,
life *****
I know.
To say otherwise would be
ignorant.
However
thinking of
the picture
your coffin
the clothing
your eyes closed
and my hands on yours clasping.
It
makes me
weak.

Bone white skin
a lifeless blue lips
contrasted by
gorgeous locks of heaven
and a black suit.
My oily skin
holding tightly to yours
my head screaming
for you to wake up.
Hoping that
the golden chariot
was your ride to
where ever you are,
and that one day.
I'll be holding your hand.

I love you,
and it scares me to
death.

"Confused"
I think.
"Are we good?"
I ask.
You nod,
my smile widens
but in my mind
there is dark
and I know.
You aren't okay.

I wonder if there is a moment
that you are.
It seems all the time
you aren't
and that it is all my fault.
Screaming voices
crying sound
clawing for air
I am choking
just to know.
All I get is
"I'm okay."

Though I know you aren't.
It scares me
to death.
That all you do is hurt
and you get
blood red eyes
quivering lips
sweat
shaking.
The outside is very truthful.

Now I'm lying
my smile hides
the pale white face
the red eyes
quivering lips
matted hair
claws on the skin
bodies bleeding
screaming
choking back tears
whimpering.
Now I'm hoping
that all that happens tonight
is that you smile
say
"I love you."

Rainbows are bleeding
as my people are threatened
by death, and lost love