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Ayeshah Jan 2014
I know you heard me

when I told you come here

Your looking at me
from downcast eyes

I'm the cannery so kitty cat

come pounce on your prize

smile go on & giggle

as you act like you don't know

but listen up man

I'm ready

been waiting
so hurry up

Open me roughly-

NO!,

don't take your time hurry

yea hurry up

rip off my dress

that's it man now swiftly

shove your ****

between my thighs

sigh out your enjoyment-

you've found the mark

move deeper a little faster

now stop & **** my mouth

I'm on my knees

letting you pound your ****
deep down this throat

pound it faster baby
keep going

**** it even if I gag

that's it baby

mmm
I love how you taste

move deeper  come on hurry up

I feel you swelling
like your about to erupt

Help me to my feet
*bend me over this table


I need a release & only your able

Your massive ****'s swollen
it's hungry just like me

Shove it in deeply

please me to my core

**** me,

YESSSS

****    *meeee


Baby keep going

******* move deeper,

harder- faster,

I'm delirious-

craving every inch
of your massive ****

spread me wide
wider

hold me fast to your lustful ******

hurt me

make me scream out
my ******* release

Yess

I'm *******

Keep it up

ooo
mmhmm

**** me give me more

over & over

YESSS!

baby

**** me

mmm ahhh

more..............

Oh ****
*how'd we end up on the floor


(ouch)*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Very Explicit-ADULTS/18&OVER.; IF CONTENT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU PLEASE DON'T READ IT. I get thoughts and ideas which I let run as it will, so enjoy -for those who don't mind & thanks for reading.hope u like it!
Ayeshah Feb 2010
With my hand in yours...........,
With This ring I'd wed or so It was Suppose to be...,
I was Suppose to walk down the aisle..,
Say my I do's,
Give a speech even,Tell you on this day,
Why I love you most,
Why I love you so much..,
Walking down the aisle,
Looking as beautiful as I could be,
Smiling faces all blended together,
As I slowly try to rush on ahead to you..,
My focus and determinations rising as I finish the last few steps...,
The only face
I'm looking for
is yours,
As I'm given away on this day...,
I Can't believe it comes to this,
Trial and tribulations,
We've shared a few,Grew&grown..;,
I want to grow even older&wiser; with you..,
To my Surprise I'm handed to a stranger,
ya best man and what he has to say to me,
I don't want to hear,
He Tell's me Your not ready,
You don't think you can come to ya sense's,
and I must listen ,
listen to him its a serious matter,
but my brain ain't working,
I can't understand what's being said,
ON
this wonderful Beautiful day,
I'm told I wont be given away to you,
I wont get to say my I do's ,
I,We
picked everything out
as best we
could and wanted it to represent US, Look Man,
this ain't funny so stop playing PLEASE,
Has something Happen I ask him ,
YA Friend,
The Best Man,
He holds his head down,
Bent real low as he looks up at me a tear falls
and He hates to be the one to tell me
but your just not coming at all,
How could you do it, Whats gotten in to you,
How could you hurt me specially
TODAY,
We had it set in motions from the first time we met,
We both knew some how it was gonna end like this, with us
Together forever, or so we Vowed,
Rehearsal was perfect,
Everything was so right even agreeing to do this outside,
Shouldn't it rain now why is the sky shining blue, so bright,
Why
is it that there's laughter every where but only tears in my eyes,
I run back to the limo and get inside I got to talk to you,
but as I reach the car,
Ya best man
Ya friend,
Say you left, your not there,
hours past.
I'm at the Reception Hall,
Minus well
let everyone enjoy it,
since they came from out of town,
from all over the U.S.
My family and yours,
was Suppose laugh and share stores toast Us
and say how proud they were for us..
Instead they're all looking at me
wondering what I'm ah do....,
How
could you leave me here with everyone guessing. starring, wondering?
For better or worst,
that what we planned,
taking my hand placing your ring on my finger, as I
smile,
Yes I agree to carry your last name,
Sickness and in health ,Until death do us part,
With all of my heart,
I give myself to you,
No matter what may come, these words I promise you,
But your not here to listen to me or to even hear me,
I shout it out for the people looking and staring,
I'm breaking down,
I never thought this would happen to me not to day.
Not to me...,
It's still not raining,
It's still sunny out,
DJ
please play anything
let me loose my self with this Champagne,
Ya Friend,Ya Best MAN,
He's here with me&My; girl too,
They look at me with such sorrow,
I'm still in my wedding gown,
How Funny & sad for me huh?
I look so beautiful,
My hairs perfect,
My face is painted just right,
In the sunlight,
My Mahogany skin glows..,
Dance I say with a smile, its OK,
I'm alright...,
Please dance.
Looking out the window I let the tears flow,
How could you be so bold yet so cold,
You let me go & even thou
I know you'll say you didn't mean to:
When or if I ever talk or see you,
I'll say LEAVE,
Let me be
like you did to me on ;
OUR WEDDING -DAY!
ALWAYS ME AYESHAH
©1977-2009 Ayeshah(A.K.K.C.L.N)
All rights reserved.
Ayeshah Feb 2010
I'm Painting The Silence.
As you dwell in forgotten bliss,
You don't like for me to be happy,
Sadness is what you want be.
I'm Alone but happy.
Glowing from the inside out
and
Ya now mad cuz your not the cause,
Maybe even mad
cuz
I wont allow myself to hurt no more,
I am LOVED,
Isn't it amazing when you brought despair
I found a replacement.
I gave to myself what you was never willing to do,
I found in life Love really does choose you,
Mad aren't you that
You can't hold a GOOD Chick down.
Clown me and always let me down.
It's OK now cuz I'm going to  be
Painting The Silence.
I'm a do bright reds,
pretty blues, purples too,
maybe even some pink...,
I need to do something different
like Janet in Poetic Justice;
I changed my color of clothes
which helped to change all my negative mood.
Changed how I felt about you too.
I now where yellows,
Whites what ever I like,
What pleases me  is me being me ,
Something you try to change.
I'm a be,
Painting The Silence with laughter,
in lime green,
With hugs in tidies.
My kisses now come in  sweet coffee  browns
don't forget,
off white creme
and
strawberries red love
dripping with whipped creme,
Champagne colored glasses
all around
cuz
my frown is now turned upside down.
I can see it clearly now,
Like I never could before You
and
Yes I'm blessed a whole lot more than you'd ever know!
I'm a enjoy my life
Be free and live right
Thanks for the fun time
but
I want more than a lover,
I want it all and
as I now walk with my shoulders back
my head held high,
walking tall again.
Smiling for nothing or just for everything,
I think In your absence and in this  
Painted Silence,
I'm gonna make up for lost time.
I'm going to go out on the town,
Paint it  
Yellow or green while rocking stiletto's
while I have the chance &
**** Man
I can really see all the better reasons,
The world is my canvas
and I'm now gonna be
Painting The Silence
(you thought to leave me in)
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Mar 2010
I love you for many reasons & yet we've hardly meet,
I proceed from recognition of your beauty & appreciation of
"Our" what could have been(s).

From conversations past,

You
exist in reality-  only your not at my side,

Miles
away you are & afar I still love you
Doubt
me not
because I know these feeling be true.
I'm asking nothing  of you
just keep me in the loop,

I really shouldn't say this but
Babe
I have a need for you.

Weather
it's in poetic verses or sweet flowery words,
I need to hear you in writings or even on messenger.
How do
I love you wonder ,questioning our fate but again
I say doubt me not for my love will stay the same.
I like you more then just a little bit,

Love you forever if that would be your wish.
I hope
I'm not speaking out of turn but
my body yearns for you & what's crazy
is
I never personally meet you.
Yet I hold back desires-   which are purely  lust.
I keep my distance with out
choice but someday
I know soon,
We'll
be closer and better friends

Even if for now my love
for you's
Platonic !
(or is it?)
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah May 2010
I kissed those lips so many times,
I held you as you caressed me to your will,

heat's rising between the two of us

& I'm becoming intoxicated
by your lustful glares-

As you stare deep into my eyes

while you deviously - lavishly

lick & **** betwixt my legs...

Pulsations consuming my very thoughts

I was to be the one to ******

once I finished my seductive belly dance...

You've surpassed me - grabbing

my dancers gear,

ripping fabric as you

feverishly kissed my gaping- shocked

"wide open" mouth.

Sweet ecstasy's taking

over every part of my being.

Your tantalizing tongue  

teasing in and out


of me as I spread wider for you.....

I rant the silence  with lustful

passionate screams as wave after

seductive  waves

pulsate through me all the way to my toes.

I'm hurting in a good way as you climb up over me


slowly so wondrously slow


you enter me,



moving deeper


ummm


deeeeeperrrr.....

I feel Oh


YESSSS...............

I  come wake


sadly it's only


a dream!
Always me Ayeshah
Ayeshah Mar 2016
I don't know
anymore

I can't fathom
how come I feel
how I do

You've stilled
my heart

It doesn't even
beat the same
anymore

I'm tired
going in circle

You know
I'm already insane
I've been
lie to
mislead
deceived
disrespected
manipulated


I refuse to
take anymore

I refuse to allow
myself to
go through this
once again

Guess that's why
we're
living
a life of
pretend

Make
believe
everything's
OK

When all
along
I've felt
this
"You & Me"
is such
a huge
mistake

I knew it
along
time ago
and
I still stayed

Allowed those
who cared
about me
truly
to walk away

All for the sake
of being with
YOU

When for
you
it was all
games

Shame on
me
for
hurting
myself

I don't
know
how to go
from here

Without
causing more
pain
but go I will


I'll do IT
I have to

You
seem
like
you don't
understand
but
of course
you do

I've tried
too often
&
many times
to explain
plus
express all
this
to you

You allowed
pride & ego
to consume
you

You're
going to
do
what the
****
you
wanna
do

Problem
is
you
thought
I'd
play the
fool

Thought
I
needed
your
money
to survive

but
didn't
you
know

I've
been
here
plenty of times
been here way
too many times
long before
well before you

I'll say good-bye
to show me more
than showing you

I'll make it with out you

because you can
no longer live
a life of make believe
play house

Act as if everything's OK

you know what I mean

Um what's it call
oh right
*pretend
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Nov 2019
He promised*  to take me away to a place - where he could  *love me.

*Each time he touched me I believed in his words; in his world I felt safe


I was held in place with a promise ; with his touch.

His eyes witnessed the most vulnerable parts of me;
the me I hide from the world
.

Why?

Why didn't he stop himself; why did he say the most ****** up **** to make me weak;

what's wrong with all this
;  what's
wrong with me???

He doesn't forsake me.

Least not  in the middle of the night in those sweet moments.
He's stolen my mind;

it's filled with thoughts of him & images of us; us in the chair; us on the counter;

us up against the wall;

I'm delirious, my minds failing me just as my body betrayed me.

*
With images of him - lifting me up; all the way up, my ; legs wrapped around his neck
;

he stand there holding me as if I weight nothing - as he drinks his fill of my essence.

I moaned ;  he whisperers he loves me ,  he loves my body;  he tells me I'm  beautiful.

Why?

Why did he make this ugly...

His laugh resonates in my heart ; I hear it all the time ; he's not here though.

I don't know what to tell myself
and I know

now
*He was never here
.

It's all just an illusion.

Because;

He promised*  
to take me away to a place- where he could
  love me.
( But I'm still here & he's not)
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Mar 2010
Do You know where
my purple vest
is?
You know -
the one I wear when
I want to conduct
my finest work (?)
I wear with it
my purple
mini skirt
showing off
my fitting legs
and showing off
my big breast
please tell me
dear poets have
you seen it? -
My purple vest(?)
It comes with straps
that connect
to these long sleeves
and ties in the back-
It even has two
belts attached
those  belt tighten
right around my waist
connecting behind me
saddest thing is
I can not fasten
them myself
these two
strong men wearing
white outfits strap them
up for me,
Please friendly poets
please help me
find my purple vest
I have work to do ,
It's tedious work
when  all the
numerous
voices come,
talking deep
down in my head
my head hurts
and I can not
work not
with out my
purple pretty vest
So please
pretty please
with rainbow
sprinkles
Let me know
if you find it
because I
can't write with out
my purple vest-
Not in this -
padded room!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Jan 2014
Feeling like quicksands surrounding me,
trapped here sinking into the unknown,

grasping at flimsy vines- like branches
from this willow tree near by.

The more I move to catch a hold
of it's long flowery vine- like branch,

the more I'm swallowed up
in this murky quicksand...

I need to get out & move on from here.

It's not so cold & a bit comforting to me,
scary as it is to be sinking to my death.

Like those strong arms
which once held me closely- so tightly,
I almost suffocated...   almost.

I had a dipsomania for those arms,
like those vine- like flowery branches.

A curiosity brooding over me
for a need I'd hardly allow,

like the longing to move out of this pitted hole
where slowly I'm being devoured...

Sadly for me, I seem to have a lack of
romantic-relationship acumen.

I've fell into your trap yet noticed you were
a master at excogitating reasons not to do

the assigned requirements for what would
of been a everlasting affair.

You've sinking me faster into the depths of loneliness
lies welling up and surrounding me in darkness.

Sandy banks seems with in reach,
yet I can't get a firm grip on this branch- like vines,
omnipresent swinging gently in the breeze.

Like those strong arms
which once held me closely- so tightly,
I almost suffocated...   almost.

I had this painful self-injected
craving for you like taken ******
for the first time,
only drug of choice though was you.

In my mind eyes, your succumbing
to my wicked desires where

I put you into un-rational thoughts,
guess you'd say it was
irrational

to think of you in such a poisonous,
concupiscent way.

Knowing as I do that you've
yet to quench me or fulfill this

wrongful,
painful  burden of need,
not of late and not for a long time now.

I'm stretching out my arms,
all the while the slightest movements causes me to
descend deeper into this murky slushy quicksand...

Seemingly it's rising up,to cover my chest
I'm finding it hard to concentrate,  

I guess it's the same for you
with your  irascible disposition,
ever since you've found out,

I'm no longer willing to be your victim .

I'm not going to let you swallow me whole
leaving my bones to surface later

once you've dried up
from the magnitude of your collections,
with in your murky lugubrious quicksand.

I've fought this long & I'm winning,
I have the willow's finger-like viney flowery
branch,  firmly with in my hands.

I've grasped on so tight, because,
because- I know what it's like to be free,
to live and not be ****** in,

to forever & never able to reach
that bank which always seemed more like
a mirage,

I knew to be more real then the many sandy
"I love you's"
you've plead & fibbed out to me,

I felt what it's like to laugh & dance
as the sun beats humidly down on me,

I know what I want & it's not to be with you
or die in your*

QUICKSAND!

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Dec 2015
UGH

Freaking really

Like you asked for it
and
as
we're
getting into the mood

You seem to be rushing things
I assume it's going to be good

Kids at the pool
and
you already  
know
how I do

You say you like it when
I tell you
take ya
clothes off
Yeah
I'm sure you do

but

ugh

for real

What's got in to you
You're rushing me it seems
It's not been that long

Slow down
Hold on

Undress me
first of all
Touch me
and
take your
**** time

I don't wanna ****
I want you to do it right
all night
if
we must
but
UGH

You're
groping and grabbing
You're being
all rough
I'd like to be teased
slowly please

Touch me
and
slide a finger in
maybe two
Get me in the ****
mood
Yet it's just
ugh
here you go

Racing to finish
and
we've yet to began
I don't want to say anything
cuz
it'll cause a fight
and
all
I long for is
multiple *******

You're leaning in
with that crooked grin
and
I'm thinking of ways
to make sure
I get licked

Something you
claim you love to do
but
guess not
right now
huh
boo

Seems you're
playing
I'm annoyed
and
ready to get it over with
You've hurried up
and
undress
yet
you've forgot
about me

I liked it
when last we did this
You took me slowly
but deep
and
you undressed me

Yet right now
doesn't seem
at all like
the last time

You rushed in
and
seems you can't find my spot
probably
dried the hell up
cuz
you're in such
a
rush

Well here we go
I'm sure it'll be worth it
most times
it normally is

Remember
when we went out salsa dancing
then went back to your house
your roommates
claimed I was being to loud


This isn't a time like that
matter of fact
this seems like a nightmare
it's 6 pm
the suns still out

I close my eyes as you finally find my spot
You're moving in and out
I'm so frustrated
I can't even enjoy
It's not feeling good
it's hurting
and I'm counting down the time

It's sad for us both
Your enjoying whats going on
and I'm waiting for you to be done
Fake moaning all the wile
yet inside my head

I'm trying hard to get into it
trying hard to enjoy it
I'm starting to get wet
and feeling good now
I peek out at you
and
I see you're
so into what we're doing
It's 6:15 pm

Your face changes
and I'm like oh ****
I try not to think of what is soon to come
I focus on the pleasure of what's being done
I'm getting closer to ******
I feel it building up

I'm ready
and I'm sure well erupt together
It's 6:20 pm
Um
UGHHHHHHHHH

NOPE!
you came and I didn't
Like
wow
*******
REALLY?!!?!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
sometimes it happens... can't be mad, specially if he can go again! well lol you can be if you're at ya peak and that happens.......
Ayeshah Nov 2015
You've been wrong before, silly girl ,

you've been here before foolish little heart,

why torment yourself this way,

why keep pretending the next will be different?

I'd like the chance of rediscovering who we are

and what I mean t you

Or what you might mean to me

whom ever YOU maybe


I'd open up even thou

I'm sorta sure you'll reject me

find fault

since I'm mentally ill


I've got some prerequisites:

Be able to communicate

Listen as well

Massage me when I'm in pain even when I'm not

Pay close attention to me

Hold and touch me

Stay faithful devoted loving and kind

Never hit me or my kids

Always be a provider

Show you care
because
I'm very sensitive

Don't pick on me

Even if we argue never cheat

Share only your problems with me


so
WE can fix us and work it out

Be loyal to me

there are so many more but this is at least a start

I'd do the same and so much more

I have so much to offer even though I'm broken

No I'll not need you to fix me

I have to do that myself and I'm working on it

Just stand by me as I heal

and allow me to take comfort in us and what we're building

Your support is so important and you matter just as I do


These things
I'd say to him if ever he comes along

but

You've been wrong before, silly girl ,

you've been here before too my foolish little heart,

why torment yourself this way,


*Why keep pretending the next will be different?


Well because........


I'd like the chance of
Rediscovering
that love thing everyone else but me has obtained*

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Ayeshah Mar 2010
I'm Having A Relapse
My muscles shaking my bones jarring
I'm stu- stu- stuttering,

I'm Having A Relapse
sleep walking while wide away,
dazed in a dream like state,
I need a fix I'm
itching- scratching
rubbing my hand and thighs

You, You you
oh why'd you do this to me
Screaming & tryna climb walls

I'm Having A Relapse

No no nooo don't stop
higher YESss Higher

bring me closer closure

I'm Having A Relapse
I went to the doctor to get help
He said He couldn't
Wouldn't help me is what He means
I run walk talk to myself
Help me Please!

Shaking, sweating,coughing with drive heaves
I feel so funny I can smell taste & feel it coming
I'm bursting with need Please
PLEASE release this desire
this fire which had consumed me,
Lived in my core my very being,

shut the blinds, turn off the lights,
I wont eat can't sleep,
Walking in a funk ,dazed and lonely
Don't hold me!!!!
Don't TOUCH !!!
Just give in Help me ,
Just um, Please
PLEASEEE,

Just Oh Lawd please
Just um  Baby Just
HELP MEEEEEE...........
YESSSSS!!!!!!!

**** ME!!!!

Until I can't  breath,

I need YOU.
you Oh You........
You know your the cause of me
Having A Relapse!

(*** Addiction Can hinder you or for me lol make love making so painfully good!)
Always me Ayeshah
Copyright ©Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2015
You're empty inside
 A shell from the man I used to know
                      Callous even
                         I can't fathom why
                                   I've stood by you
                                      With assiduous attention
                                               &
                                           I accepted this relationship
                                                     or
What once was  with alacrity
until you took  it away
You've taken everything
         You're such a cunning *******
                  You left long ago
                       Only an empty shell
                                      remains of you


                                                  Why would you leave me here
                                                           Disheveled cold & alone
                                                        ­           I became catatonic  
                                                     ­                   Shocked as I was
                                                                ­               I couldn't believe                                                                  ­                   You of all people
                                                          ­              would actually do me this way
                                
       Funny I had already seen it coming
                Because  
                  You were cold   
                          You were numb

                                           You've placed your love on deferment
                                                       ­    until whenever
                                                        ­           I guess until  
                                                                ­        HELL
                                                ­              freezes over huh
                   While you showed  such invidious
        behavior  toward my love
             towards everything I had in my soul
                       yet YOU didn't wait to be with another

                        While
        I've been caviled about it all
            Knowing full well
                We will always have
                      this archaic history
                               Once know as our
                                        *Relationship
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N.

I had an idea and let it flow so if it makes no sense, tell me please and Thanks! truth is my mind thought of every relationship I've had, which failed!
Ayeshah Mar 2010
Do you hear me-  when you sleep -  think of me as you eat,
'adore me while you sip coffee or tea?
I think of only the moments '
when we shared funny exciting conversations,
so many miles
so many oceans separate us
laughter fills my household
joking and talking of trips we'd love to take
I can't think I'm
wondering what your doing
if your thinking of me too?
shallow of me I know but oh well
this is me so shallow I guess
I'll be.

do you hear me when you sleep-   think of me as you eat
'adore me while you sip coffee or tea?

I think of only the moments when you jokingly
asked if I'd be yours
laughter fills my home
this household with out a mans touch
or his amusement
but if I give in doesn't
that mean you win?
Win my heart but I'd never make you
compete for it,
Win my trust but you realize
I'd hurt you if you miss used it
Win my soul as long as you grow old with me
But I speak of things yet untold
to fast too soon.
I wait for you to speak
and say hi.
Just hi is fine it'll get me through
the night.
Friends
we are and must stay
so why let you become more
why mess up this
musical dance with a tedious
affair.
Lover's we may yet be but again why take that
Risk!?!

(tell me 1 good reason to destroy Us?)
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Bitter taste in my mouth

A metallic tangy taste

He shoved in his engorged enlarged shaft

as far as it'd go

He ***** & stole away my innocents

offering wine

I find this sacrilegious

more I guess like blasphemy

after all he is a Deacon

Preaching lies

more to me then our whole congregation

Sinners have to pay to get into heaven

Guess mines is my virginity

Age 10 going on 11

I'm now like * the sacrificial wine

I've been past round

Who'd want to go to heaven anyways

If this is the price to pay



All I can remember is; Us surviving victim, get sour grapes


I'm floating out of myself

as I think of them



I can see all that's happening
until I crash into myself

Back to my torturous reality

I wait until he pulls out

just enough to bite down hard

with all my strength........



Sour grapes like sour hearts,

but

So unlike sour hearts...

You can still make wine outta

Sour grapes


Blood doesn't taste so sweet!

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Alters have ways of making me never forget!Sometimes they make me so mad!Who wishes remember this mess! best to forgive&mov;; on im 2OLD to mourn my childhood or lack there of!
Ayeshah Nov 2013
Sadly I think of you & wonder if those green eyes remember me or if you think of me....
I bet you don't.
Do you miss me even a little bit...
I doubt you do or could care less,
I seen the affirmation in your wake of destruction,
to my home & very soul...

I'm sure your happy now since you've destroyed this home, stole and thought it'd be fun even funny, I hope the temporary satisfaction fills you in those lonely nights and days where I once use to dwell.

I pray my scent still lingers in the air where ever you go and all over your pillows, leaving you craving me and still yearning for my lustful touch, kisses and caress...

our legs entwining, our body's moving in sync, your green seductive eyes staring at me with love shinning through as you make me your lady, your life and someday maybe your could of been wife...
We shouldn't of ruined "that" because "that" was the best part of us.... Or so I keep trying to tell myself.
I cant forget or forgive you for the negative names that came out your mouth- towards me and they are so so unforgivable, yet because I love you and still care.

I guess, it's best for me to forgive some of the disrespectful ways and things you've said plus done to me & not just me but my children.

I hope your happy really I do, I feel if things were so completely different  we could of been steadfast in working things out.

I seriously miss your strong arm wrapped breathlessly and so very tightly around me, and that's ok, it's ok to miss you, to crave you and at times still need you.

I know that us being apart is for the best, least that's what I'm telling myself...

the healing I've allowed me to go through will one day help me think back on what we shared as a fond memory.

The growing that's taken place, tells me that, for me- my chapters not over and the pages that once were us sadly was a tragedy, but these new blank pages and those canvases over there are ready for me to start a new book and paint again....

Sadly thought I'm so used calling you when I have a issues problem or need a pick me up, sadly I'm used to going over & climbing in your bed, having you fill me up with your intensified love making.
And sweetly but sadly- how you used to hold me for no reason at all or even when you scooped me up right in the middle of walmart screaming "I LOVE YOU" as loud as you could...

I pray the next one you meet you realize that if she sticks around when your broke,broken and penniless, giving you all of her love as you lie and abuse and give reasons for your deceit that you hold on to her.
I pray you don't lie cheat or steal as you've done to me...

I was there if you'll recall, when no one else was, and would of still been if you didn't damage my home and my life or that of my children if you'd realize that, there was no need to play games with me to win...

There was no need to demand and abuse or lie and cheat, there was never a need to try to manipulate or any need for control not over me not with us,

no need to force my hand and or the love i carried with me every where, since it was you who always owned the key to my heart!

To those "green/hazel eyes" which haunt my days and wakes me from sleep with nightmares of what once was a beautiful tragedy of ..........................

um........................US!


(Sad­ly I miss you & sadly I still love you too)

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Sep 2013
I'm SO Scared
...........

I'm scared
to love again,
the last few times I've allowed a man in my life,
it was lies cheating and so many fights,
I've given my all only to have so much of it fall apart.

I'm scared
more now than I've previously been,
I feel like its a faze like that honey moon thing,
3 months of bliss, sadly traded for 3 years of misery.

I'm scared
to trust you because lord knows I've trust the wrong fools,
those who'd say they longed for me & needed me,
but claimed the same things to her & her too.

I'm scared
to open up,
telling you all my secrets,
dreadful memories & histories of horrible abuse,
at the hands of my exes & foster care
plus
such things from my present & more of my past,
things
I'd never share with anyone again- if I can help it,
because
it's been shared before,
with others & I've been let down and laughed at, treated badly .
had it used against me too.
I'm scared because,
secrets
were used to inflict harm,
used to make me feel ashamed...

I'm scared
to once again share intimate moments,
because I've been put down and shunned,
treated like a *****, instead of a girl-friend or wife,
I've heard how she's so much better,
how I've supposedly failed to please,
yet in my bed he's claimed he'd wish to be.

I'm scared
to be loyal because he's turned on me,
my abilities to forgive after all the un-loyal things that's been done to me,
the unfaithful ways he's shared his life with others,
the lies he's told on me while claiming to others,
how
I'm always the excuses & reason
his cheating & actions, were justified.

I'm scared
you'd do this too and I can't ever again take the hurt or lies.

Even though
I'm scared
to open up & scared to trust,
or  to be loyal and devoted...

Still scared,
but I'm not giving up,
I'm still refusing to believe that this time around,
it'll be the same as it was when I was with him & my last ex.
I believe heartedly that you'll be different then all of my exes.

You'll be given to me what they've refused,
I seen the way you
look at me and how dedicated you've been towards me,
Even my girls like you way better then him.

You've shown me what patients really looks like,
showed too how you'd treat me as your friend and as your lady,
You've listened and given great advise.

Sharing your deepest history and allowing me always to just be me,
You've lifted me up and haven't put me down,
laughing with me and making me smile,
You've danced with me in the pouring rain.

It's early still and we know the honeymoon faze will end,
but I'd like it to last for as long as it can
I actually loved
our first fight because
you expressed your desires to set things right,
You didn't accuse me nor point a finger,
being so attentive and so very soothing.

You say you love me
and
want the best for me
plus you have even shown me
your word's hold true.
So even though
I'm scared
I'm ready and willing,
Happily I'll continue to take this leap of faith with you,
because you've given me the same chances and made it a point to improve,
You're betting it all on me
and
intrusting me with your heart,
I believe its only fair that I too intrust you with mines...

Put faith into your actions
and
believe you
because you've given your solemn word,
to love me and take care of us,
I know too that you do love me and I love you too!

I know it wont be easy and I know we got a negative past in each of our history's,
but like you said;

as long as we're honest and dedicated to each other,
no matter what may come, things will keep getting better...


Sooner or later, despite my pstd, bi polar and d.i.d.
I'll see, because you'll keep showing me,
that there will be no more reason for me to be
SCARED!*

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Oct 2019
I smell him in my hair ;  
his scent
lingers on my skin ;  
on my sheets too.

The thought of us ;
our bodies

merged into one.

Reminiscing
leaves a
pleasing
ache
within me;
causing my body to crave
him all over again.

His scent

is everywhere in this room.

  Conjuring
images of our
love play.

My soul
needs him
here.

Even if it's
temporary;

I want to
and
need to
have more than just

his

scent!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Jun 2014
I woke up to screams, so loudly and piercing I felt my heart stop

and seems as if it leaped out of my body,

I kept hearing it

and it seemed to get louder & louder,

a beautiful siren's hollow cries

and wails calling from the unknown darkest places

I've longs to forget

and in the mist of the midnight those screams

haunted me awake,

I felt chills

and fear like never before, it got closer louder even still

and my whole being froze,

I can feel the blood in me go cold and as dark

as I am I'm sure I was a ghostly white

when I felt another's present

and those screams seems to go on forever,

I couldn't open my eyes,

I was to afraid to see what might come next,

at best

I thought whatever it was it'd get me,

I hide under the blankets and seems the screams followed me,

I jumped outta bed with my eyes closed

and

pressed myself against the walls,

I tried

oh how I tried to call out but

the problem

was it was

I the one

letting out this uncontrollable

SCREAM!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
"****** Abuse or any kind, may never show on the outside but on the inside it's murdering our very souls"
Ayeshah Aug 2016
Mind racing thoughts

As I screamed;  
with my mouth closed;
  too afraid to open up
and
let the voices  out

Who
knows what they'd say;
if allowed to shout Loudly
what's always
in
my head.

Secrets
left
unkempt
have ways
of
coming out.

Shhhhhhhhh

Please  don't  tell!

(
they'll send me away again with medicine & try to  make me forget *)
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Nov 2014
You've said and I'd have to agree
I'm  
selfish,

Because
I refuse to let you do anything to me,
Selfish ......

Why because
I refuse to spread wide & let you
**** me then leave?

You've expressed to others
how

Selfish

I can be,

because
I wont give in to your deceit,

I refuse
to allow you any sympathy
when it comes to

your fuckery

your an
infectiousness diseases...

Selfish

cause I wont be

subdued with all

the lies and ways
you mistreat me,

all the game playing,

trying to scheme

fake me out,
while you try to
make me lay out

my cards,

ya stupid cheat,

Selfish

because I've told you

I Wasn't Ready

I'm calling your bluff,
Your not so tough,

Ya sort of funny papi

Your always trying to knock me,

wishing to cause havoc and bring me down again.

Selfish

huh

really?

I'm so

Selfish
because I'll put my children

all of them before you,

I've placed my walls back up

wont allow you to climb em

I've changed my mind

more than once it's cause

of something you've done...


You've got me rethinking
being up on this pedal-stool
&
I'd rather you stop shaking it

so
I can get down

but you'd rather see me fall.

It's

Selfish

*of me- right
cause

I'd rather not have to fight,

I don't like being put down,

Specially ya
small jabs

about my mental

the many excuses

you've come to make

time and time again

You've dismissed

my past and all

the bad that's trapped me,
You make fun of me
for having PTSD
& D.I.D.

You've said and I'd have to agree

I'm


Selfish

cause I don't want to do this,

I don't need another man's

to abuse,
or for you to
use  and beat me

I'd rather be


selfish
then to take care of another drunk

or man with any type of addiction,

even if you're addictions me.

I'll be


selfish

While
I guard all that's dear to me

You've already
deliberately

tried to cause me so much pain

dressed it up and called it love

but I wasn't fool to your game.


Selfish

huh?

Is it because,

I didn't let you in

well not as much

as you'd like me to,

Naw papi

it's because
You
can't just pop into my life

then try to take it over.


SORRY *******

You can't mistreatment

and abuse me

than bring me flowers

cards or candy,

You can't rock my body

then dismissively

treat me like

I'm worthless....

But it's me

whose so *******


Selfish.

I've said it long ago
Oh how he thinks

I'm


"His Type"

Well that's not true
because
baby you've made it

so **** clear

that
I'm nothing.

Besides

a *****,

a **** & a ****...

A *****

even though

You've apologized

each and every time

those
words left your lips,

not right away

but you've done it
&
I refuse to forgive you

over and over

each time you've

repeated ya crimes...


No way could
I allow you back
because
you showed you'd
do it
again and again,

and if
BIG ******* IF,
if I allowed it

which I wont-
not anymore and never again
its because  
you've said it
right

and
if you cant

remember

well  baby
I'll help you

out

its
because

I'm


SELFISH!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
AND I DON'T NEED YOU, NOR DO I EVEN LIKE YOU ANYMORE! GO ******* WITH YA FUCKERY!
Ayeshah Jan 2014
Soapy suds tracing all over my
succulent breast, chest, *******,
down down my
abdomen,
outer & inner thighs,
hands, feet, and my genitals.

Suds dancing deliciously
on my skin
bubbling all around me

You whisper in my ear
as you come up
from behind me
a gentle touch felt.

Pressing waters
dripping over us
steams spray- misting down
from the shower head
fogging up
my frost pattern
shower glass doors.

Soap suds wash away,
your massive hand
cups my breast
sliding up to my neck
strong fingers encase
my throat
my heads pushed down
as you bend me over
you sigh in pleasure
as you enter me.

One finger then another,
while you stroke your
big scrumptious ****.

Exquisitely you slowly
slide down
my form,
part my legs,
palm of your hands
firmly on my thigh
lifting my leg over
one of your shoulders
you flick your tongue
across my ****,
savor my honeydew
wetness.

Your tongues exploring
inside my silken walls
while you tease my ****
all the while you
continuously *******
me.

My hairs soaked & wet
hanging heart-shaped
round my face
down to my shoulders.

You lift me up, my hands
instinctively grip your neck
your hips rise forcibly to meet me
as you outline the moist contours of my
sweet ***** lips.

The tip of your head
enters me, your holding my *** so tightly
moving swift & deep inside of me.

This is so crazy,
the way your
joined with me
deep in me pumping
hard long stokes...

Our body’s move with
wild abandonment
in search of that
euphoric height
we cling tightly
as the waves
of pleasure
crash together,
wave after
delirious wave
your
expanding our
******* utopia
I dig my
nails deeper
in your back
until you’re
thrusting
hips slow a bit.

I bite my lip cause your so deep,
I have this starvational need
a longing and each
stroke out
makes me want you
back in deeper.
your body
fervently
consumes
me as you
invade my tight
silky walls.
This build up is so
energetic
causing sensations
causing my body
inner and outward
contractions,
with burst of
pleasure
so uncontrollable
all over my body
the waters cold
guess we can carry on in the bedroom
so how about we take a break
& get out of the*

SHOWER?!?*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Mar 2010
what does it mean to write (a) "blank" poetry?

I've heard it said but I honestly don't know what it means?
Help please & TY in advance for commenting.
Ayeshah Nov 2017
SO BROKE

I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

SO BROKE

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE
(CENTS)

SO BROKE

IVE ALLOWED
YOU HERE

WHEN I REALLY
SHOULDN'T

SO BROKE

I STRUGGLE
JUST TO GET AHEAD
AHEAD OF THE GAME

HEAD OF THIS LIFE
WHICH DRAGS ME DOWN

SO BROKE

I DON'T
LET ANYONE IN

SO BROKE

TO WHERE
I NO LONGER
KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

BROKE

ENOUGH THAT
I DON'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE

YET THE
CONTRADICTION
IS
I REALLY DO

I WANT HIM TO STAND BY ME

HELP ME MEND THESE
BROKEN
PLACES WITHIN ME

SHOW ME SOMETHING
SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING TO WHERE
I'D BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN

TO WHERE THOSE BROKEN PARTS
ARE SEWN BACK TOGETHER  

SOMEONE WHO'D SEE ME
MOST BEAUTIFUL

HE'D KEEP HIS WORD ALWAYS
HOLD ME NO
MATTER IF WE HAVE ***
OR NOT

HE'D TALK IT OUT
AND NOT WALK AWAY

HE'D TELL ME HIS DEEPEST
DARKEST SECRETS SHARE
EVERY PART OF ME

HE WOULDN'T
EVER CHEAT LIE OR STEAL

HE WOULD BE WHAT MY DREAMS
AND FANTASIES WERE MADE OF

LIKE I CONJURED HIM UP
AND MADE HIM REAL

OUR *** LIFE

WOULD BE
EVERYTHING

IVE EXPECTED
AND
BEYOND

AND
IT WOULDN'T BE
ALL ABOUT HIM

I'D GET TO
FINISH TOO

INSTEAD OF

CONSTANTLY
PRETENDING

I HIT MY PEAK

YEAH

THAT'D BE NICE

BUT UNTIL THEN
I GUESS ILL BE

  SO BROKE
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N ot to breathe
Ayeshah Feb 2010
I thought of you today,
I didn't want to,
Do you know why?
after the rain comes the sun
but it's still raining since you've reveled your true colors,
still storming like my insides and my feeling,
I watched you sleep again,
I looked at your angelic face and thought of all this pain
you've caused.  How can I still love you,
Funny I hate you too,
I want you then again I don't.
But I can't loose, it's become like a game and I'm out to win,
my vendetta's to cause you pain.  Pain worst then you've caused me,
But while I watch you sleep  
I think of what we shared last night,
I think of how you cried and apologized.  
How you came to bed on your knees,
The way you held me, Aided me in my pain-  the pain you caused me to feel.
Thinking on how you caressed  and loved me most of the night,
how you kissed me all over,
I felt the ice chip a little from my heart,  but not enough to give up my revenge.  An old friend  called today asking to out to lunch, I say sure why not  thinking of I could just get  you off my mind.  
Jumped in the shower & left.
I felt good and brand new, like a new woman.  
I met him at Chilli's. He pulled out my chair  and had already order my favorite;  
Mozzarella sticks.  I order a Margarita and we talked for awhile  as he looked into my eyes  I thought maybe just maybe I'd extract my revenge on you  with him.  I know he wants to be with me but is it fair for me  to use a good friend like him.  
Making him pay for what you did o me?  
Naw I think not,  not when I can just leave you alone and make him king of my throne.
Not when for all this time that  I've know him he's been nothing but good and a true friend.
You slept and I crept back in but not before  He left me with a kiss on my lips, I thought "WOW" he still wants me and just maybe -maybe
I should give you up and stick with him. But I'd never get with anyone on the rebound, I rather leave things as they are. Meaning at this point I wont let you go  I also wont be really holding on,
Not after what You've done to me, How can I forget so easily You've been with someone else
,You confessed your love to another, You've lied and deceived me,
Hurting the only one whose been there for you  even when your own family wouldn't.
You know as well as me that if it wasn't for me  
You'd be out on the streets, You'd be left homeless and hungry,  But not I'm homeless too now metaphorically speaking ,
Truth be told this house is no longer a home.  
I don't know what to do,
As I go walking I'm still left..........
So Confused.
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Jul 2010
Petal kisses
                                                     trailed my body
                       once upon a time
                                                  
             ­    I felt you come into me

                            as I cried out and you held  me
                     ..............

                                         I spoke of joy,
                             cried again
                                              and
          
                                                         yelled out for-  you            

                                       And once more
                              
                        because of the the  pain,

                                      I lost
                                       loved and
                            gave up too soon,          
                                         what to do
                        
                       when too many times          

                      you've been my man
                         even as
                I pushed you so far away-
                                                    
                         it was harder & harder
                            to come back,
                  
                                      whats left

                                      when    
                                       
                     all you do is give me "you"        
                                    
                           ­                 and

                      I give half of me
                 ............
                           I'm scared
                                  
                             ­     worried and
                            don't want to


                           be here

              don't like living this way

                               yet I stay right in your arms

                                again& again
                                                      ............
                          
                            I wont fail again

                         wont fall anymore
                                  
                                    
                                        then again
                                        
                              I already did,          

                          sinking low      

                       so low
                                      
                                        I find myself                
                                 looking
                  
                          to you for a life line
                                          
                     ­                    a life time of happiness is mines
                                            
                                            if

                I'd take that leap with you          
                            
                  a leap of faith

                   is all your asking          
            
                                   ­    but
              
                       I can't commit
             cuz        
            
            in all honesty
                        
       I belong to him
    
                    (someone else)

                                      Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright ©
                           Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
                                                All right reserved
Ayeshah Feb 2010
.....
I woke this morning
feeling not
like I did last night.


Last night


I felt something touch my
heart,


deep down to my very soul,



causing my spirit to
question what it too started to feel.


You've captivated me,



How did I lose track of what's
important?


Never can


I Say I played so falsely  
with someones better half,


but now


He's the better half of me,



Unlike a concubine or wife



I- as his mistress



have no


legal rights & relationship
to this man



I call mines.


It was fine,


Now I'm conflicted,
tormented,



I regret nothing then again it's
a lie
I regret he's not fully in my life.


A little bit of me dies away
leaving an empty shell,


Where I was once lived hearty
and well,


Now


With out him is something I
might have to face,


It's like I'm racing trying to
beat time,


while trying
to


continuously make him mines,
make
him realize


He needs me by his side.



How do I
compete


Yeah he says


I'll never have to,



Funny


thou
I feel as if I am
and
been doing so.


I got to give up and let nature
take its course.


Every-time


we're together our love making
gets better and better,


He never has to direct me nor I
him,


It's like we were meant, made
for one another


yet
here I am not his girl just
his lover.


I feel sadden when we
part,


Like he's taking away my heart.



I know when he's
home,


Oh how


I hope
it's about the
children and not "her" his babies mom.


But I'd be fool in thinking she
wasn't getting everything like me,


I'd be fool in wishing that
she'd leave,


She knows what a great man
she's
got
even if all she may ever be is just good enough.
While He professes I'm his greatest love,
He says
I'm his true love.
I doubt  his words& my guiltys setting in.


We conversed on so many levels
sharing more than what's ******


Yet I feel at times like he's
evasive,


Avoiding questions,
Changing
things,
Pleasing me isn't the problem.


It's when I'm not around
him,


I want to monopolize
all his
time
when he's not with the children or his
"wife"


I want him to give her up
but
How
can I say I had enough,
When in reality,


We just began to love- each
other,


I wonder would
he,


Tell her he's loving me,
Would
he speak on how he's in love with me?
Would he let her know


He's for now going to keep
seeing me,


Being with me?
Would he let
her know all the thing's we

DO?


Tell her how I move to his
groove,


Let her know
I'm important too,
to him,


I'm more than a friend?
Even
if


she doesn't ask will he man up
and let her know all
that?


Tell her


He's got deeper feelings and



that


"YES"


what we me and him have does
mean something?
Or


will he keep hiding me,
denying
me,


Make up
excuses for what we be
****?
I wounder  


if she knows


who I am
at times
cuz
I think no women is
stupid,


or so naive.


I'm sure she
guesses


but does she
question?


Why am I so fascinated with
her.


Because


She has everything I
want


and


at this point I find it ****
near impossible to keep holding on.


No strings my *** I'm wrapping
ropes around Him ,


Yeah
You.


I love more than the
physical,


I like our
talks,


Love when  we go walking
hand&han;;,


To a movie or 2
wouldn't be bad
again,


Out to eat and I love how you
hold me as I fall asleep,


I love how You kiss my eyelids
& how you wipe away my  tears,


As well as when you rock me
slowly to your body,


Letting me run my nails all
over you,


I crave more
thou.


That's where all my problems
come into light.
I can't settle for being second
I have to say Good-Bye
& Do
Something So
Completely
DIFFERENT!
Always Me Ayeshah
©1977-2010 Ayeshah
(A.K.K.C.L.N)
All rights
reserved
Ayeshah Mar 2016
Sometimes it's ok: to cry until you've got no tears left

Sometimes it's ok: to lay still & watch the clouds roll by

Sometimes it's ok: to allow the music to take to another place

Sometimes it's ok: to remember it all

Sometimes it's ok: to listen with your heart

Sometimes it's ok: to say I'm sorry 1st

Sometimes it's ok: to be held by the one who's hurt you

Sometimes it's ok: to accept that which you cannot change

Walk away  and start again

It hurts and it's gonna

Nothing in life was meant to be easy

yet

I've always thought LOVE
wouldn't hurt
nor should it ever hurt

Guess that's what I get for thinking huh?

Sometimes it's ok: to let go

let go

give in
and
allow
the blissful waters
to cover you

wash you anew

Because

Sometimes it's ok: to give in and let everything fall apart

Sometimes it's ok: to cry until you've got no tears left

Sometimes it's ok: to lay still & watch the clouds roll by

Sometimes it's ok: to allow the music to take to another place
where there's nothing to mourn

Sometimes it's ok: to remember it all even if it hurts

Sometimes it's ok: to listen with your heart

Sometimes it's ok: to say I'm sorry 1st

Sometimes it's ok: to be held by the one who's hurt you

Sometimes it's ok: to accept that which you cannot change

You're not a super hero
no matter how many times
you come to anyone's aid
or disregarded your own needs

So it's ok to let your bi polar consume you

Let the voices  in your head take over

You'll not regret it

explode
scream & shout
for once
and
loose your composure

Violate the thoughts
you've held inside
let out everything  
you've longed to say

without
regret


without
remorse


IT'S OK

Specially
when you're already
lost all hope
and
everything's
out of control

You wont be
here any way

so it's OK
to speak your mind

release all your
pent up rage

come on

it's OK

SOMETIMES!!!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Mar 2010
Sooner or Later
I'm going to get back in shape,
loose some of this weight,
work out and get off this couch.

Sooner or Later
I'm going to stop smoking and laugh at things again,
remember the good i once saw in everyone-
even the tiniest bit that used to  exist.

Sooner or Later
I'm going to stop emotionally eating instead
I'll go for a walk and talk to friends again
let people in again.

Sooner or Later
I'm going to write funny poetry about
the things that  once pleased me
make people laugh instead of sad.

Sooner or Later
I'm going to play with my kids again be  more into
what they like to do instead of the same mundane
Mondays that now seem to to be everyday.

Sooner Or Later

I'll look back at all the things I should of did.

I'll remember I should of left you
sooner then later.

I should of put my children before you Sooner then later ,

I could of made it with out your hurtful words and bruises Sooner.

I could of let go of your many excuses sooner.

I could of saw my OWN
**** self so much beautiful then you saw me
SOONER!

I should of worked out for my own resulting end Sooner -
instead of become so thin.

Sooner So much sooner  I should of listen to my woman's
"intuitiveness" and never ever stayed with you for as long as i did-

SADLY  

so sadly now I look back on it all with bitterness & self loathing regret-
wishing  I'd of done  all of this and more....

Wish i'd changed  So much sooner for me.....

Wished I'd found hope & love.
Sooner or later your gonna wish

I was there instead of  in this

lake where


I drowned myself.

Sooner OR Later!

Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Apr 2015
I can't take it another minute,
                        not another second or day,
I doubt everything you do and say
              since you've left.
                                  I told you,
          you'd do it
       the way
                       you've done it.
                              A shock?
                   NAW,
                     I knew it.
                                  Only surprised  
                     that you planned this
               & never planned for us to work.
            when I look at you
                                  all I see is regret
                                          &
                                        what could of been eternal bliss!
                   I refuse to allow resentment
              to settle in my bones,
                          Why didn't I listen to my heart,
                      mind & soul,
                                while it screamed NO-
              my body cried YES...
                              I cant deal with this and with YOU
            nor should I have to,
                                 I "could" withstand the silence,
                                the longing for you too
but this is unbearable
                 and cruel.
It's funny to you-
                   how this dilapidated heart's in shambles,
                          ruined over & over again
                             this time
                                                 You've caused havoc
                                worst then any other....
                                      I welcome the pain,
                      since it's something I'm so used to.
                                  "I'll never leave you"
                                Must of meant;
                                        until you'd get sick of this
                mental confused mind of mines?
                              " You're it for me",
                    "my everything"
               Must meant;
          I was everything you could use?
                                   "it for you" as in I'm "it"
       the sucker who'd believe you?
                                  I knew you'd hurt me...
                           Yet,
                      I failed to see it
                                             coming in the way that it did.
          I trusted you with all I had to give you,
                             coming to you disjointed & imperfect!!!!
  I begged of you never to
                        make us a thing of the past,
           asked for your forgiveness
                               and understanding -
            as I worked out my demons,
                        allowing you to do the same,
ever support was I when it came to you...
                      Sadly everyone else knew but me.
         Funny and laughable to you,
even to those who knew-
                       that I'd jump for you and defend YOU,
stand up and stick by you.
                       I was the **** of your jokes, the fool,
              dancing to your tune!
                        I'm crying & laughing,
  wheeewWeee- you got me good.
                     How cool is it for YOU
                           to take advantage of someone-
                  trusting in you:
            to never repeat the steps
of what others have done?
                                   But I made this my fault,
                            made it my reason to move on,
            broken as you were too,
I allowed you time to heal
                          Stuck up for you
                        
        as others blamed you
  
                    for my failing...
my demise
    
             came in disguise
               as
    "friend"
           "my boyfriend"
              "husband"
                       "lover"
                            "the father"
                         to our dead babies,
                        and
                   King of all things!!!!
Yet I snatched your crown
                           and stopped listening
after months of nothing
                           all we have is this terrible silence.
I can see clearer,
                     blaming you only shows me
the things
                        I've failed to give in return,
it shows me NOW
                            how I've failed you,
                       just as you've failed me..
                                 As of right now all I can say is
                            you'll always be
         my biggest regret-
even if in my eyes alone,
       you'll also always be
  the love of my life,

                      My one true love.

                                   Yet hard as this is for me,

                       I can't hold on to your shadow.



                    So this is

                            GOODBYE...

You've long since

          moved on

              so shall I!

                    Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®


                      K.A.C.L.N ©


   &n
"I'd of waited for him but someone else easily- has captured his heart."
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I don't like
these feelings
I'm so sick
of myself
for feeling how I do

I don't understand
how you can tell me
such sweet things

Promise me a better life
as long as
we're together
nothing
&
no one else matters

So many talks of
this
never ending love
you've
attained just for me

I'm your dream come true
your one and only

But You hold secrets
& blatantly
talk  to others
about me

Never have you said
one nice thing
in regard's to me

Whenever you've spoken
of me

It's been all the negatives
you've not mentioned your self
never about
your
WRONG DOINGS
&
not in front of me

Only all my problems
and how I make you feel

While taking advise from them
on us  yet not once
have you ever truly come to me


Keep talking to them and making it hard
let the advise you right out of my  life
& this here ****** up so called relationship

How funny
'cause you're pose
to be the one
to protect me
honor and cherish me


How can YOU ever
expect me to trust you
or believe in you ever again

when topic of discussions
have always been me
more so out of anger
yet none the less


I've never spoke
bad to anyone about you
even when given the chance to
I see no reason to do it EVER


so it'll only hurt the both of us
least that was my thinking

We're grown adults who have so many
ways to communicate
yet you rather
speak to others concerning me

You get a kick out of putting me down
& this helps how
by making fun of me or my mental

doesn't work either
not for me
or what we could of shared
so why do it and why hurt me


Everyone has issues  
complications and problems


The ones between us
could have been worked on

You'd rather
speak to others instead of me
lied to me right in my face
as you looked me in my eyes

Sadly-pathetically so
I believed you and
you betrayed me


Caused me to to fall for
an illusionistic relationship
a fictional reality

I had a desire to be loved
above all else


Thought I was chosen
out of an undying
unyielding love

I've come to find this
isn't true
and it's never gonna be


I'll FOREVER
play
second fiddle
like a
monkey in the middle


Tired seems to be all I am
and ever can be

Sick of this burning
longing
to belong
to have someone
I call home

Because
if home is where the heart is
then I ain't got one

Your heart
isn't even close anymore
to
being
my home sweet home


'Cause I don't have
no more room
for all this so called love
or
what you kept showing
to be your type of love


My undoing
was you proving


* I've been entertained
by your delusional
despicable
deceptions
of a falsified
made up
"relationship"

We can't ever be
what
you've just proved
we
aren't
and
always will be
completely & utterly
  
STRANGERS!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
I never knew I was meant to be alone I used to think no matter what my past was  it wasn't my present and therefore I kept this belief that there was someone out there for me and I wouldn't give up hope or stop trying to allow love in, now I know I'm pose to be alone, I've tried this so called love thing and have fail & fallen too many time, I'm no longer interested in being loved i love me and my kids love me family and handful of friends i am content as is and rather not know this type of pain again.... yet when it finds me lol I wont fight it but i'll not go searching or looking I'm not even gonna wait for it.
I haven't FOR about 2years and have no reason to do so now, just thinking and venting, past has a way of making me feel some type way. thank you all for reading!
Ayeshah Nov 2010
Sufferance
is allowed for I can no longer smile
the sadness away from my heart!

It's a regret I share with you even
if you never speak of us

or think of me anymore...

Well I know deep down you do
and as she sweet  talks you
and
makes you laugh for a time
its still I (me) on your mind.

Little pleasure of you getting over me  

is  of her  taking my place & sharing

in what once was  my everything ...

If that's the case well Baby the same goes both ways...

In my mind  I'll always  be his (your) lady.

Listening to these words

by Heather Headly

has me once again thinking of you
and wondering~

If you dream of me?

The way we felt together
or
how you'd work out with me~

doing splits and playing like little kids.

I miss that part
of US
but then my mind turns once more
to the suffering
we both caused...

Pushed hard against walls, slapped,scratching,biting, kicks and punched!

Arguments and accusations reminds me of the times

we made love and ****** so violently, passionately, deeply....


Our breaths the only sound in the room
as


I cry tears of regret, pain,pleasure,lust and love.


How did I loose my way and let myself become
your SLAVE???

Baby born outta lies,
Feb 2011,

times changing these feeling
and
I can now understand what I thought never to forgive,

you too have been hurt, abused and misused...

Words cutting you like a knife...


Wrongs done may never make right,
now your singing her the songs you once sang & made for me.

The "marriage vows" which was supposed to be ours comes outta your mouth whispered softly in your head to her!!!

Someone who can never love you like I do,
has & still would of.


My sufferance, my sacrifices, my hurtful kind heart
can't take anymore
denying..........

Your what I crave yet I know I have to,
I must stay away.

I can never allow us to be again

after the pain and lies you said not only
about me
but about your own flesh & blood...

The seeds been sowed and I'm about to give birth!

Never would I'd of thought after begging me to
breed and give life for you,
you'd walk away

Never to look back or think of us me nor your SON.

But it's for the best,

least I keep telling my self that.


I no longer lie to myself and say:
I don't want you,
I don't crave or need you,
I can do this on my own

But I know as surely as I breath
we could of made it work
and
least he'd never  of been born outta lies,

then again the fighting
the mistrust
yelling
screaming & arguing,

sthe ****** pain and pleasures

of US.

Now I close my eyes and shed
tear after tear  
while listening to Jamie Foxx's
"Wedding VOWS' song...
The one you practiced
& sung just for me,
to me

With tears in your own lovely eyes...

My GOD  this is so hard ...

Suffering for you and letting go,

the memories haunt & hunt me
while awake or while asleep.

Last night I listen to nothing but Luther Vandross.

(Our songs & our favorite This House Is Not  A Home)

O' It took every fiber of my being

not to break down and call you....

Why am I feeling like this for you
when we both know it'll never work?

It hardly did before....

No I don't want you NO more,

I rather tell myself this over and over again

until I start to someday believe it's true.

I'm sure you already feel this way since

it took you less than 3 months to get over me & ya seed
obviously
cuz you ask her to marry you.

Haa haa  ha  it took

less then 3 weeks to ******* replace me,

I rather allow this bitterness
to seep in

instead of remember


my daily~    love for you



my~   dying need to be with you....


My


Sufferance!

Always me Ayeshah
copyrights©1977-2009
Ayeshah(A.K.K.C.L.N)
All rights reserved.
Ayeshah Mar 2010
Write me ******
Converse with in my notebook
Write me in verses
Use  lust a word to trace my lips,
kisses in forms of sonnets,
Touch my hair in feather inked  pens,
pencil my buttocks with curvy nouns
Endearments in & out like syllables,
while spelling out sensual adjectives
poetically ****** me,
calling out my name
as you rhyme again in and out out and in
****** deeply within me your hard penetrating
Philosophy.
Wrap your hand in mines as you  
once more trace  your tongue down my notepad
become master ******* within pages of my dairy.
Converse with in my notebook
as we fill up  my pages.
Please Please Please
Write me in verses
Write me ******
Write me harder& harder
Faster Please
Write good long as you Write me
Sweet Poets!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2011
Take your word..
You say.   But  She took Your word when
you told her- you loved her the most
in this world. She's your lady & baby girl.  You  gave ya word to her   when you told her your so in love and no other will do!
Not me nor anyone can replace her- remember you gave her ya word- huh?
hmm TAKE your word for it ?  You gave ya word to her and told her you'd do anything to please her! 
but  now I must-
 Take your word... ??
When You told her I'm nothing to you at all.
Your not in a good place right now  &  only she can pull you out!
Your missing her so much.
  You wish she was here  because your craving her touch.
& you keep on begging me to-
Take your word.....
When you've told her, her and her,  you have to stay because  your trapped.
didn't you tell  her this girl in that 1 - I'm not healthy+
I'm in a bad state-
( of mind because my mental psychosis ain't right)
  which is why you can't leave me  right now?!
This you say- Take your word...
When you telling
em  I'll never be as good as them.  (this girl or that  other woman) 
 You can't wait until your free.
Your playing pretend with me but they're  (her, she and them)  is really where you want to be?
Take your word.......
When once again
after you've lied stole and cheated
&
emotionally beat the love right out of me-
Yet you want me to
Take your word?!?  
I took your word: 
 when YOU vowed to
forsake all others  when you promised  to
love me in sickness& in health, for better & worst-  
WHEN YOU
asked me to love you forever  
and
if I'd do just that  (take ya word)  
YOU'D  "show" me
I could once more trust you or as you said  
(take your word) & you'll give me all of you
1000%,
take ya word
on everything & it'll be us, me & you, through thick or thin
and you'd "show" me 
 I could believe in you once again too, that if
I take ya word-
you'll bring the faith I had in you- back to me,
"IF"
  I'd take ya word  
YOU'D save me from your past neglects and FINALLY love me best!
   "IF "
I'd take ya word  - You'd never abuse, misused, or deceive me EVER again!  
SEE
that's the problem,
I did
TAKE YOUR WORD
&
TOOK
you back even after all this...  
NOW I don't want to hear it...
  Ya words  hurt me...  
SEE
I was ya choice but never was I  1st!  
Never
did I have 1st dibs
& for you,
it was easy picking
when you got hungry unscrupulous ***** nasty type chicks after you! 
 I was never number #1
I was just  1 of many   you played & used!
Yo your words ain't ****.  
Take MY word(s)  & listen good :
I can't and  I  wont do this to myself nor allow
you to
******* abuse me
NO MORE,
I'm to good for you and this here mess!
BOY  Ya WORD and words no longer mean ****!
DEUCES!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright © Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®*
..
I've once more been put into a place i really dont want to be, Life's complicated enough with out all the bull'ish! I love me more than you all can ever imagine and i now think i dnt know what love is cuz i doubt this is IT!  yet... i stayed this long for nothing! im a fool of the 1st kind!
Ayeshah Feb 2016
What would possess a man to stalk me on the internet after I've told him over and over that I'M  not looking for a relationship?

what would possess that him to pretend to be other people on the internet?
When somebody does not want  you to  be apart of their life...YOU should give it up

Be it  male or female

You should leave them alone
respect their boundaries and their wishes if they wanted you they will be with you period!

I know I stated that I don't want a relationship

Yet I'm looking for friendship and I don't want anything else when the time comes for me to settle down again-no we're not talking about marriage just settling down with one person and being committed to each other when that time comes it will not be with you....

You can cry about it
YOU CAN rant about it
YOU CAN  feel however you do
JUST  just stop stalking me!

I know for a fact that you have MANY girlfriends and of course YOU asked another woman to marry you

I know for sure that you have many lovers & for what?...
I don't know because you're not really good in bed and not good at much of anything .... that's your business and I would like you to stay out of my business

I would like to live my life without you stalking me: hence why I moved to a different state!

I'm on this here poetry site that I've been a part of for a very long time
Yet
I don't even write on here as much anymore because I'm being stalked.

This  this is someone that I  moved far away from 2 years ago and I'm still being stalked

The saddest thing is you're wasting time on me for no reason!

All this failed understanding of what I'm saying  has me worked up , like who enjoys their space being invaded?

Fact is you'll find some way to read this and still stalk me;  via the web, text or call me.

Makes no sense to me..

if I must do another restraining order so be it...
I'm so tired of this  ******* and it's not that I'm afraid IT'S  more so I would like peace of mind because I don't want to become a criminal and hurt this person that's stalking me knows I fear no 1.

I will protect my children so let's hope for his sake he stops!

I don't want to have to go in and out of court.
Which is WHY  I move out of state;  to get this person to stop stalking ME!

WE ALL can't control what people do on the internet but I **** sure can control a person going on to the  poetry sites and dating sites that I'm on, pretending to be someone else!

This is so stupid to do and then try to have conversations with me. ... *** don't you think that's sad- that he's almost 50 & doing this?

He's a father of 3 and a grandfather.

He claims he can have any woman he wants,

  THEN why does he stalk me huh?

Go ****** HAVE  her cuz I don't want or need ya !

I hear stalking is more about control , for some  your  their possessions......

Guess rhats why 6 years ago he once told me -I was his property....

From then on I didn't want to be with him & MADE SURE TO get away from him.

THIS AIN'T slavery & my black Puerto Rican  *** don't  belong to nobody but me!

THANKS FOR READING FRIENDS AND LETTING ME VENT!
STILL MY QUESTION IS TELL ME WHY?
WHY ME?  I think he'd **** me if he could find me! Tell me why?
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Dec 2015
He said; What up ma

Oh yo you can't speak

******* *****

******* trick

acting like you're to good for me

YO *****
         I'm talking to you


You're here waiting for this bus

like everyone else  

          What the ***** wrong with you

He walks closer and bends down

                        all in my space

All up in my  face & I've yet to utter a sound


  I stand up & try to move round

He says yo *****

                   I'm talking to you


Pulls out a bunch of cash & waves it at me

I smile a smile so sugary sweet

He says; that's it ****

I bet now yo ***** *** gonna speak

I walk slowly up to him then look back

                       I see the bus is coming

                                    so I have to act fast

He's still waving his massive cash

I get close to him

placing my hands on each shoulder

                             I lean in
         so close

   I whisper in his ear

That's Mis ****

While my knee crashes
                          directly into his *****

I jab him right in his face

1st my right fist

             then with my left


and snatched all his cash

I run & hop my *** on
the bus

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
SUV broke down few times and I had to catch the bus.... & YOU now know the rest!
Ayeshah Mar 2010
Like a moth to a flame,
I keep coming back to You,
Like a
***** in heat
I lift my tail to your flesh,
I can smell you a mile away ,
on any given day..,
I don't even like you,
Don't
want to do
the things we do....
the hurt you cause me
and the lies you give,,
The promises all broken
like my cheek with ya fist..,
The mistrust
I know so well as you Yell,
while the words you say..,
send me, condemning me to hell,
This is whats given to me yet
still can't seem to let you go,
Let you be
even when you make a fool of me,
Why am I
still here
still around you,
Why am I this way..
holding on to you
Even when i say we're through
It's over I say ..,
Then I cling to you..,
The closer you get
it seems the further you push me away,
I run in opposite directions
trying to fight the traffic
you brought in my life..,
The fist the kicks and slaps  
Broken ribs..,
All coming my way ,
We're scared ,
Afraid to stay or go,
stuck in the middle ,
Running in circles...,
Trying
to get back past lives....,
The word's once said
wasn't truly  give
in ,
To what I let you do to me,
miss use me and bruise me..,
Even when our bodies
Touch I feel  nor felt
no lust
I don't even let you  too close to me ..,
I can't think and can't be who I want to be..
You only gave me part of yourself
put half of you in to this ..,
and now I can't  live with out it,
I had to stop you ,
before
never mind that NOW..,
You're tearing me up even more,
I'm like  
a flower to water  drinking you into me ..,
The potions
you seeping in me
the lies and greed,
just to control me mold me into
what you seek..,
Living for a taste of the freedom
I had before I knew you,
But I don't let you go ,
can't let you leave,
See I got so used to
the way you treat me,
I don't even love you
Nor ever liked you,
The control I give to you
I ask myself who are you ,
who am I
And
why did I let you
take me as you did ..,
control me
with sweet word's
but never
truly giving in to anything.,
Beautiful you said..,
When I know I could do better,
Why do I stay in your presences
When you make me sick..,
Real love don't hurt like this.
But the Pleasure & Pain
Are so meshed to together
That I can't control my feelings
there out of my grasps ,
YET
I'm not revealing  how you upset my life,
I don't like you nor do I want you
This control you got over me ,
I can't believe..,
I let you in to my mind
To find the weakness in me and do all these
things to me,
I know I'm better than what your giving
SO
Why do I take so much from you
all that you do,
What's keeping me here...,
I know its not fear,
For Death
comes to us all and
if it's my time to fall so be it,
let me Fall, God have mercy on me,
for give me for all my transgression
AND I KNOW
MY LIFE LESSONS.
******* ,
You win,
But from what
I been seeing and reading ,
I know know what it is ,
This **** you got me twisted in!
Its a CYCLE
And I'm in
REPEAT
or so you may think..,
The CYCLE of you:
ABUSE!
(To those who have been in it
or going
Thur it;
you can over
come anything -
I did!)
Always me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Jul 2014
There's a song called

"Blame it on me"

&

The lyric's make sense to me,

where she singing

"Sometimes you can work it out"
"Sometimes you can't"
"Sometimes you're forced to watch"
"everything fall apart -- it's out of your"

because you

"I bet the neighbors know my name"

for many different reasons
because of the

"Way you screamin scratchin yellin,"

while we're
arguing&fighting; like its war war 3
claiming your
tired, sad & lonely & sick of me,

Well baby

"If you think you're lonely now, huh-  Wait until tonight"

And baby  I want you to'

"Keep on moving"
"Don't stop like the hands of time"
"Click clock, find your own way to stay"
"The time will come one day"

for you to realize
I was here for you
no matter what
but now
I gotta do things on my own ,
my way and for myself plus these kids &

"Besides the kids I have nothing to show"
"Wasted my years a fool of a wife"
"I shoulda have left your *** long time ago"
"Well I'm not gon cry,"

not no more & not this time

because now all

The lyric's makes sense to me,

like when I heard & agreed

"If I were a boy"
"I think I could understand"
"How it feels to love a girl"

"I swear I’d be a better man."
"I’d listen to her"
"'Cause I know how it hurts"

The ending state

"Your just a boy"
& I'd have to agree,
cause' you'll know never this pain
you've caused

The magnitude of your actions
causing the opposite with in me,

The havoc & suffering's
not just about me

These children
which I'll scream-out
to my dying day
saying loudly
Proudly GOD

"Thanks for my Child"

something you still failed to know about,

How many times will-your girls miss their
"Butterfly Kisses"
and how many times will they
look in the mirror
& notice

"In their father's eyes"

They see the reflection's
of themselves looking back

Knowing
"daddy's little girl"
is living without him
due to his selfishness & lack of care

see

The lyric's make sense to me

I live them on a daily..

My new dude complaining & so insecure
I caused this, this is my fault

I
gotta worry more now
about the scares on this
broken taped up heart

Gotta make sure

I ain't making him
pay for all your abuse & mistakes
when we fight me&hi;;

I just shut down
too hurt to understand
his feelings

The lyric's make sense to me

cause' when I'm with him
my heart seizures up & my mind races
to what" if "
he does the same things
you've done to me,

What "if" he hurts me & because of it,

"Because of You"
"I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt"
"Because of you"
"I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me"
"Because of you"
"I am afraid"

to move forward.

To give this new dude a chance,
to make a change even thou I've left,
I'm so scared
scarred
hurt
buried
sick and worried.

I even feel guilty for allowing someone new in.

Like I'm cheating
yet you & me aren't even anything
not even friends.

The lyric's make sense to me

  since its like

I walk around in a haze & every day

"Since you've been gone-- I can breathe for the first time"

yet I, in the same breathe feel  you should explain &
"
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air"

"If I should die before I wake"
"It's 'cause you took my breath away"

"Losing you is like living in a world with no air"

Oh but wait worst
part for me is
its me lying to myself cause'

I'm being suffocated
when I think of him leaving,
it's like
I'm dead inside already
when I see him walking out,

but I
can't help myself
I push him away
far more then allowing him in!
allowing him to stay...

See this is why,
these are the reason I sit and sip
thinking or at times
trying so **** hard not  to think

You may not get it but
if You'd just listen
You'd see

How  

by listening as I do

You'd finally see
& truly understand why & what ways

THE LYRIC'S MAKE SENSE TO ME!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Ayeshah Jul 2010
Ohhh my  racing mind, closing my eyes,
head spinning
as I turn  with arms out
in a circle....
breath catching in my throat

Craving, jonesin-  feverishly needing... time to think
re-invent myself- -  re-invent my life
my desire for the unknowing ,

I need to escape this burden
this un-holy god forsaking feeling of misery...
love came to fast and now I can't let it go,

can't gain control but yet

I've lost nothing, and some how I
'm loosing everything.

thinking wondering, watching as time flies
and I remain a figment of what
we could be could of been...  

us, you, me, we

MAYBE SOMEDAY
BUT RIGHT NOW
I am learning--

learning to love anew again
without the falsehoods caused
by my own doubts and pains,

Your guessing what I mean as
I wrote and still write
in my mind
but
I guess you'll never
understand
the mind
of madness!

I love you!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Mar 2010
The Morning After,
ya lips touched mine,
the smell of  us from last night
the way you made my body shake,
I wake up in a state of sedated bliss,

Completely
oblivious to what's going on
around me
I find you nestled in the crook of
my arms holding on to me ,

loooking at  you,
looking so peaceful
and yeah
you should be
cuz you worked my body
like I always dream
and I can't say I blame you
cuz I gave the same to you,

I licked you and kissed you til you
begged me to stop
and as drops of you left my mouth
I let you cover me again
and repeat the steps as
we danced in the sheets,

Magically pounding me
yet so gentle
as you move into me
with me

Our bodies
flowing with the rhythm
and moving to the same tune,
I like what we did,
I cant lie
I loved it,
I didn't want to stop
couldn't get enough..,

but as we lay here  
whispering and giggling  
joking  about this blissful enconter..

I think again it's time you go
I dont want you to
but
He's coming home and
I know it's killing you to leave
but

We'll always have these memories
of the night before
and Today.....
The Morning After!
Always Me Ayeshah,
©1977- to present- Ayeshah(A.K.K.C.L.N) All rights reserved.
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I had a thought

A wish

A prayer
and a few dreams

It was nice
glamorous
Beautiful even

We never lied

We shared it all

Completed & complimented
one another

The *** was worth
wile & wild

We had more than history

More than romance
it was brilliant

A family

Children

We weren't rich

Well off

Everyone got along

Problems occurred
we worked them out

Compromised in fact

We had it all
I had a thought

A wish

A prayer
and a few dreams
Then ....


Then

I Woke up!

*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Ayeshah Jan 2014
Do
you ever notice how
the patterns on
the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns
start to make shapes-
You
ever stare out
and watch
yourself from
another
point of view?...
Sometimes
I still do this,
we tend to be
at odds with our
perception of life,
seems what
I'm able to see
isn't pleasant or reality-
looking down
at myself.
They
call this,
an outer body
experience
when your
looking up
watch me
watching you.
Do
you feel the pain
I was feeling,
Do
you see yourself
as if in a movie,
I keep the aftermath
& the many
"before's"
steeped in secrecy,
continuing-
obscuring the facts.
Like
these DCF workers
& Court's,
Supposedly
this "System"
was set up to
rescue us
children from
terrible situations
in our
families lives
give them
a chance
at a normal
healthy life.
As
I lay here floating
above myself,
I can see
from up here
what I'm feeling
& he's more
horrific than
the one's
they sent me
to before.
Can
you imagine
the daily living
nightmare
of being
a child assuming &
thinking you
are saved
once placed
within a new home.
Only
to find the situation
worse,
I was torn from
my loving yet very
dysfunctional family,
my siblings,
not so politically correct
but SAFETY was in
our numbers.
We
were strong even
brave as we're
placed with monsters.
monsters
in my closet,
in my room,
under my bed,
in my shower,
monsters
hiding behind the
bedroom door...
He's
coming,
his footsteps-
heard on the stairs
he'll know
I'm recently
fresh out the shower,
I can smell his stickiness-
he's yet to do anything
tonight.
The monsters,
hiding in plain sight,
in daylight-
always, always at midnight
watching me,
watching, always watching
watching me eat,
watching me sleep,
touching me in my sleep,
this monster....
Do
you ever notice
how the patterns
on the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns start to
make
shapes


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Feb 2010
I listen for so long at what
TV, Radio & what other people said.
Advertisements, Magazines,
Books on how to loose weight,
Other ways & things to make myself look
pretty.  Pity-Petty me,
Trying to dress like
Celebrities,
Trying so **** hard to fit in & be like those
Models & some of them one hit wonders...
even starting to think there
was something wrong with my skin.
Too dark for many
and yet I have this red hue kind of glow,
White teeth but so UN perfect to me.
Hour glass shape I hated it,
Big strong thighs that just didn't look right,
Truth be told for a while I used to like me
until I started becoming self-sabotaging .
Thinking I could get him or just be happy doing
what all the other girls & women did,
Oh how I wanted to be anyone else
other than myself.
Long curly- unruly hair,
***** some would say
but back then
I'd have it no other way,
Afro puffs, braids,
beads,
Styles that made people question me.
Relaxing, burning&straighting; my hair
To look like Halley Berry  
How she looked in that movie
QUEEN.
I guess.
Making me feel so unPretty,
You sorry lil freak in
the mirror looking right back at me,
My grapefruits sit high-up on myself,  
They perk up and smile at me
in my state of  undress,
Some where some how along the way
I started hating them & their shape,
Wanted bigger even though I'm  38C.
Why? I really don't know...
I guess it all started
way back when;
I was just blooming
into a young lady,
Finding ones self.,
When I started to hate being me;
Foster father told me
I need to eat less,
Only Black/Puerto Rican
with dark skin in
a all White School.
Went onto visit family during this time
and got picked on
at home because
most of my families skins was so light,
Abusive relationships unbeknown at the time
had me feeling like I could never get it right,
Doing what ever "He" He  "Him" liked,
which is also what
helped take away any concept of self.
Went through the toughest 15 yrs of my life,
Married young to a
Man whose opinion
matter more then Mines.
Finally hit 23, Divorced & Free,
A light came on bright as the Sun...
I had to figure out who
I was when everyone told me
I was Ugly,Worthless & Dumb.
See eventually you reach that exhaustion.  
You take a really good look in the mirror,
Seeing me for me what hard facing reality...
I have almond shaped cat like eyes,
Brown hair with auburn highlights,
Full lips that most people pay to have
and I ain't never had to inject rat poison
into any parts of my FAT,
It's at this point where
I had to decide at this crossroad
which route I'd take.
Most would choose defeat but I had my little girls,
I couldn't accept them ever looking
at me as someone who gave up.
I had to figure out how to love myself  all over again
Be comfortable with who I am.
It takes many a lifetime sometimes to
finally come to this conclusion.
But for others like me,
It's really like building or rebuilding a puzzle,
The Puzzle Of You!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Sep 2015
I was obsequious towards you.... opening up to you, I was an impressively sedulous suitor,

Didn't I constantly show my love; like a doting concubine,

yet never was I supposed to.

Did things I'd never wish to again do, You were always lethargic returning any affections.

You're  constantly an exorbitantly  cruel lover, on too many occasions you've left me; feeling, clinging, wishing & praying that your bitter tortures -  would end.

Morbidly I'd crave you like a killer craves the death of his victim's.

Oh there's no end, no relapse or realse, my tormentor, my seemingly drug of choice--is you!

I  sincerely felt a cordial love & dislike for how you've had me susceptible to this elegiac experience.

Unmerciful you cast away my heart and dealt my soul a mighty blow.

NEVER again  would I be your willing victim,  you're  antipathies & archaic behavior  leaves me wishing for a way out, since you've made me seem more like the enemy.

This love's a beautiful beast & so oblivious to my demise...

I'm still obligated....

I've vowed to stay, fight comes what may...

  yet & still You make it clear I'm disqualified before a race could ever be won.....

Why?

My questions unanswered
as if I've never vocalized a retort!

IVE COME TO REALIZE THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME

☆♡

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Trying something  new. Let me know what you REALLY  think. Lol
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Indecisive* excusing behaviors and believing  against hope

prayers or wishes

Didn't know
couldn't fathom

I'd be rejected then imprisoned


Cofused misleading

implications await this bitter bed

Black roses & blistering thorns

crowned the conquered queen

*
Mangled chains tearing chaffing  swollen  wrists

Ankles held fast on this
tainted flea infested bed  

An ***** haze clouds all around  no sounds forth coming  

drugged induced
intoxicating lazy lulled senses

Heart's slowing down
No one can help
caught trap and stuck

"Love's" captured me again
but little does he know

I'll  be dead before
      
the sun's first glow**
     Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Ayeshah Feb 2010
Molesting Innocent's
Taking
advantage of young un-suspected victims,
****** away hope,
Beating out trust as
"they"
tell you it's all for your own good.
The System
Verbally sales you,
Mentally
making you believe thing's aren't
really what they seem.
Hey pretty girl,
You
want to come home with me,
Like
stranger's using Candy,
Creeping in the middle of the night
stealing away dreams,
Snatching babies outta arms
For not being what "they"
want you to be.
Jumping through hoops
to prove your worthy.
The System cover up lies,
Disguised
Your Shame
It's not "their fault for you
becoming pregnant at 10,12 & 13.
Abortion isn't in my beliefs,
Forcing us,  Breaking us, Making us do what "They want!
Telling Lies while Judges become your executioners
Fostering empathy's,
Making you live in misery
Parents- Grandparent's
Crying Screaming,
Dreaming of they days you'll be back.
Depressions, PTSD, Bipolar
Explosive disorders
Meaning a person gets angry fast
with no reason or for the littlest of things....,
Label's
from Misuse,
Misrepresentation's
Misuse of my or even your body,
******, Molesting, Physical, Mental,
The System
took me from a Exceptional-Good home,
Placing me
with Monster;
Who called themselves: wholesome,
loving- Good- God fearing Church goers;
Foster Parents.
A Preacher  
phrasing the almighty book,
every Sunday
While every night
He'd say I was better then his wife,
As
my eye's cried,
Hoarsely I beg him to stop.
Case-Worker & The Systems
cover up.
From home to home
Group home to group
I'd run as fast as I can,
To  my
own family even thou
We were  broker then sin
at least I was so safe there.
Repeat & repeat these step every chance
I'd get & still they'd  Placed me in home's
until
I got old enough to make it on my own.
Even then The System wouldn't let me be,
See I knew "their" ***** deed,
All the well kept secrets....
unfortunately for me,
16 going on 17 mother already of 2 while
expecting another lil girl,
The System tryna step in once again,
Robbing me of my Children,
Their
words: labeling me,
I'm tooo crazy to love or ever be a mother.
I'm not doing what "They " want....
I had it,
Life was it for me,
I wanted to commit Suicide
I just couldn't thou & Lucky for me
cuz
I Finally found away out at 18.
Got my kids- Sued & Beat
The System!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Pesent Day(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2015
You're cocky but insecure

Conceited but have low self-esteem

Don't  try to explain what I already know

I ain't trying to put you down or make fun of you

Just stop  pretending
to Me everything's fine

I can't sooth your aches or dash away doubt

You've lied to many times

Played too many games

No drama or issues here not for me

Not anymore

Stop lying to me still

As if you've got it all together

When I know it isn't so

I don't wish to carry on
a conversation  of
Fakeness

Crazy part of all this is
you're  lonely

Desperate

You're searching  and reaching

But refuse to admit it

Making things out to be
something that's not even true

Why lie when the
truth will do!?!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Insomnia is running havoc on me right now tired but can't sleep when I do go to sleep I have these thoughts dreams etc.
Ayeshah Jan 2014
They say...
They say we accept & take the love
we think we deserve,

so in my past-
I must of,
not have thought,
felt or believed
I deserved
love at all.

Laying here,
I hold my pillow & think of the look
of your eyes,
plus the look in your eyes
the contour of your face
I see it in silhouettes,

when the rooms a bit dark & the suns
the sun's yet
to set that image of you hovering
over me & the crooked  grin
flashing your white teeth,

I think of those taunt muscle
straining
as you lift your self and look down at me
how firm and chiseled your whole form is...

You're sculpted out heaven's clay.

You're like a Greek tragedy,
where the man is spoken of as the hero,
but dies saving his lady-love,
differences is your so very much alive
next to me...

your body language say you want more of us
but your actions are in'congruously showing me
something else altogether , you're playing hard to get
but how's that when I already caught you?

I smell us in this room.

Feel you inside of me
and the look you're given me
tells me you want so much more
but how am I to give you so much,
when disappointments-
been a recurring friend?

They say we accept & take the love
we think we deserve,
we'll that's what
They Say!

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Ayeshah Mar 2010
I tasted desire when I wanted to taste love,
I tasted lust when I wanted  to have fulfillment
I supped on false kisses that left me yearning for
way more than the physical .

I craved lust when what I really wanted was love,
Settled for second best instead of waiting for number one.

Games played ain't fun when I'm letting myself lose.
How do I trust again with so much doubt,
What I thought wasn't real was and now I'm drowning
in regrets!

I tasted you & her too
When it should of been just US,
I felt your body shake while
"Truth" be told I thought of someone else.
Replaced you but never replaced the image of "him".

Tasting never  savoring
or being genuinely full,
2 course meals ain't good for my health
sipping but never drunk off your love.
You me was never as us we just pretended to be.

My plates empty and his loves the main course
yet I find myself  more times than not
asking for 5 dollar meals,
Something to just tide me over until
I can savor him,
Something to fill me up temporarily,
Sort of like Chinese food...

That being said,
Well I can't dine here any more,
I'm rarely  or hardly full
Your skill leave much to be
un'desired and it rarely satisfies,

So I must now ask for the check
pay my balance and leave your mundane -
mediocre Establishment
&
Hell Naw
I ain't gonna Leave No tip! Wait yes I am
here it is;
The next time you think your doing ****
& can compare or compete  
with another
Baby PLEASE
Think AGAIN!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Think again

                                                          ­         I didn't ask for this

                                                        Nev­er have I said show me your

                                misguided insensitive wicked deceit

                        you conceited ***

                            You think I'd go back to you reclaim your last name

                                    after it was so easy for you to

                                          CHEAT

         ­                                               *
No I forgave you the first time and
                                                     allowed a 2nd time

                                                           ­             3rd time for me was

                                                            ­    me leaving you

                                                            ­                    right where I found you
                                                             ­           alone

                                           ­                         *Alone like you made me feel

                                                    had me always second guessing

                                                       ­                 wondering not trusting

                                                       ­ hurting & yearning


                                                How can you ever expect me to take you
                                                             ­     back

                                                      ­                  or ever allow us to be intimate
                                                        ­    or even ****** again

                                                          ­                  when I know the last time

                                                    before I left you'd been with another
                                                         ­  woman

                                                          ­ I didn't know at the time but crazy
                                            how I could tell you tasted different
                                    and I was right having her on top of you
                        yet ya had no qualms about me
                ******* where your manhood was inside another
    I was YOUR *

   Wife
        *Not some trollop
                                    begging for your affections
                                    lesson learnt to me
for ever trusting you or any
                                   other

                                   I gave you children two children
                a few still borne and miscarriage
I was the one budging the bills going to college
and cooking all your meals

                           When you hurt I'd massage it right out
                        never did you have to tell me or ask

                                     Sadly all I got was your lack of care
                                                            ­            insinuations and then I started
                                             thinking I was more crazy
                                        going insane from you saying it was all in my  
                                               head
                               but you were in another woman's bed


            Had her feeling what used to be mines
                                                  had her crying out
                                                                ­                with pleasure
                                                        ­                                             from what
                                                 you'd once said was only mines
                                        Yet you called me today begging to come
                                          home


             ­                               Well baby boy this ain't been your home
                                    in almost 3 to 4 years
                                                        and­ maybe for the kids sake
                                            I'd of done so long ago
                                        but the more I think on it
                        the more I wanna choke

   * I've cried and cringed over and over again
    thinking on how
         as your dearest fried &            
as your
         WIFE

   *I could of did things so completely
                                                          differ­ent
                                            Yet I know and yes I'm sure

               there wasn't anything to do different


       * Tonight when you called me

                      I had no idea you'd ask me
         such a question
     I figured we were being amicable
just for our girls

      
Never would I have ever thought you'd try
                                        this ******* again
                               seems you thought I was a sucker again
                              guess I've not learned
       after you tried it
     last year around Christmas


                                                *Ju­st like when you brought your
                                                            ­      new girlfriend & kept
                     her hidden all the while you I guess figured
   I'd be willing to forget I was always second be
                                 even last if truth be told but

      Now that you're my
                       EX-HUSBAND

              I'd say I'm no longer your punching bag
                                            or the

                              *****
                   ­         *you married
       I'm nothing to you
so honey go away and enjoy your slew if women
                                and even though you assume
                                                          ­              you have chance
                                                          ­                          spare me your *******
                                                        ­                                                     and

                                                            ­                        THINK AGAIN!
                                                       ­                       Copyright ©
                                                               ­        Ayeshah K.C.L.N
                                                                ­              1977-Present  
                                    ­                             All right reserved
I've chosen to be better and move on, no more abuse lies or pain and I do forgive YOU! I just don't want you!
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