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"yapping" poems
These streets are home to countless rodents emerging for a moment to feed or breed or just to breathe the sun One by one line up for the chance to make something out of nothing Who are they and where do they go while the city refuses to sleep ___ Doors to endless lands line the avenue each its own portal to the unimagined A family of four with the yapping mutt or a lonely cat lady whose entryway wreaks of ***** a drug dealer door slamming every hour on the hour or an empty snowbird's nest On the surface everyone pretends they don't have a hole to crawl back to or walls that know every night But below the sewer grate a world filled with the stench of what could have been a good day Many a barkeep can shed some life on these drunkards' rat king or at least a story of those who made it out Once or twice it'd be grand to see the bottom of a martini glass left with a sip or two instead of the casually tipped lipstick-clad cocktail, drained of doubt and despair until morning warms the frozen dreams of those retired to a paradise unknown
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Oct 25, 2015
Oct 25, 2015 at 1:45 PM UTC
Rats
A hairy ball of energy Who loves to run and play, Whose tricks and tomfoolery Would brighten any day. Almost hyperactive, Without doubt lively, Incredibly inquisitive, Exploring constantly. Chewing on everything, Peeing everywhere, Not fond of house training but slowly getting there. Extremely mischievous, Just wants to have fun, Loves to get pets from us, Each and everyone. Yapping so excitedly At everyone and everything, Such an incredibly funny Lovable little thing. Who looks at us imploringly With great big brown eyes That we fell in love totally Should come as no surprise This lovely little puppy Right from the start Became one of the family, Captured every ones heart.
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Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 3:46 AM UTC
Puppy Love
I don't know man. It just has been different lately, you know? No not really. What do you mean? Like, explain it. Okay so you know how you do it and you feel everything dissolve? You know? And that warm fuzzy light fills you up and the back of your head sags all the way to the floor? You know how you can't stop smiling? How nothing matters because everything is going to be chill in the end? You know? Yeah? So what's the issue? Well recently, and I mean very recently, I just got this feeling. This ******* feeling for two hours and all I want is for it all to be over. The thing is - I know that everything is fine. That it's all chill and that I'm just geeking out, but still, the way it makes me feel. I can't do that anymore. How the hell does it make you feel dude? Jesus can we get to the point sometime soon? Right, my bad. It's my heart first. I feel my heart going at a thousand ******* miles a minute but when I check my pulse or heart beat - everything is normal. But still I feel it in my chest yapping like a dog at the front door and I can't convince myself that this is chill. Then it's my chest. You know how Jesus died of suffocation on the cross? I thought they stabbed him before they suffocated? Whatever, you know what I mean, how people on crosses couldn't breathe because of their arms and lungs and chest or whatever? Well I get this feeling that my chest is thinner than a sheet of printer paper. That every single time that I inhale it's never enough. Then I get this electricity in the back of my head. It creeps up from my sternum, through my throat and then to my brain stem. Like an itch you can't ******* scratch no matter how many layers of skin you go through? Jesus dude. Then I convince myself that I can't move my right hand. Convince myself I'm partially paralyzed. Only I'm watching my right hand move. But I feel like it has to be an illusion, because how the hell am I moving a paralyzed hand? It's all gotten so ******* twisted that I don't know which sense I can trust. Well are you sure that that's the reason? Why don't you take a small geeb or something? For the sake of the scientific method? Listen to me you fool. There is no method to this. Just madness. But I suppose, in the name of fairness, I should do some more research. Maybe just this one last time. Just to be sure. Exactly... So you wanna smoke some **** Yes. I want to smoke some **** Just for science and all that. I kinda have to. It'd be unamerican to not smoke, right? Right.
0
Jan 3, 2014
Jan 3, 2014 at 10:41 PM UTC
Stoner Logic
I don't know man. It just has been different lately, you know? No not really. What do you mean? Like, explain it. Okay so you know how you do it and you feel everything dissolve? You know? And that warm fuzzy light fills you up and the back of your head sags all the way to the floor? You know how you can't stop smiling? How nothing matters because everything is going to be chill in the end? You know? Yeah? So what's the issue? Well recently, and I mean very recently, I just got this feeling. This ******* feeling for two hours and all I want is for it all to be over. The thing is - I know that everything is fine. That it's all chill and that I'm just geeking out, but still, the way it makes me feel. I can't do that anymore. How the hell does it make you feel dude? Jesus can we get to the point sometime soon? Right, my bad. It's my heart first. I feel my heart going at a thousand ******* miles a minute but when I check my pulse or heart beat - everything is normal. But still I feel it in my chest yapping like a dog at the front door and I can't convince myself that this is chill. Then it's my chest. You know how Jesus died of suffocation on the cross? I thought they stabbed him before they suffocated? Whatever, you know what I mean, how people on crosses couldn't breathe because of their arms and lungs and chest or whatever? Well I get this feeling that my chest is thinner than a sheet of printer paper. That every single time that I inhale it's never enough. Then I get this electricity in the back of my head. It creeps up from my sternum, through my throat and then to my brain stem. Like an itch you can't ******* scratch no matter how many layers of skin you go through? Jesus dude. Then I convince myself that I can't move my right hand. Convince myself I'm partially paralyzed. Only I'm watching my right hand move. But I feel like it has to be an illusion, because how the hell am I moving a paralyzed hand? It's all gotten so ******* twisted that I don't know which sense I can trust. Well are you sure that that's the reason? Why don't you take a small geeb or something? For the sake of the scientific method? Listen to me you fool. There is no method to this. Just madness. But I suppose, in the name of fairness, I should do some more research. Maybe just this one last time. Just to be sure. Exactly... So you wanna smoke some **** Yes. I want to smoke some **** Just for science and all that. I kinda have to. It'd be unamerican to not smoke, right? Right.
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17
Babysitting for grandchildren yapping and yipping and grandpappy silently slipping away. To bed at nine and out comes the bottle of wine,which is ever so slightly a bit out of line and grandpappy's silently slipping away. Then it's up at six for hot milk and two weetabix,then some film show on Sky or Netflix and grandpappy's silently slipping,with red wine surreptitiously sipping away.
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May 9, 2014
May 9, 2014 at 12:38 AM UTC
Nursery knitting
My father worked with a horse-plough, His shoulders globed like a full sail strung Between the shafts and the furrow. The horse strained at his clicking tongue. An expert. He would set the wing And fit the bright steel-pointed sock. The sod rolled over without breaking. At the headrig, with a single pluck Of reins, the sweating team turned round And back into the land. His eye Narrowed and angled at the ground, Mapping the furrow exactly. I stumbled in his hob-nailed wake, Fell sometimes on the polished sod; Sometimes he rode me on his back Dipping and rising to his plod. I wanted to grow up and plough, To close one eye, stiffen my arm. All I ever did was follow In his broad shadow round the farm. I was a nuisance, tripping, falling, Yapping always. But today It is my father who keeps stumbling Behind me, and will not go away.
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5k
Follower
FOR WHAT ARE WORDS WORTH I wandered lonely through a crowd lost to myself now that I'd lost you gathering even your footsteps peeling your shadow from my wall remembering that lost last kiss did it have to end like this "...beside the lake, beneath the trees.... ...when all at once I saw a...." host of saffroned monks their robes " ...fluttering and dancing in the breeze..." and behind them bunches and bunches  of daffodils outside a florist chanting Hare Krishna in all their yellow voices delighting in their day and for a second I forgot my pain dancing across a zebra crossing with an old old woman and a little yapping dog.
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Aug 6, 2018
Aug 6, 2018 at 3:28 PM UTC
FOR WHAT ARE WORDS WORTH?
I try to be tolerant, but you repeat conversations from your head assuming I'll play by your script despite my lack of interest in your need to repeat the past. I try to be tolerant but you won't give me a chance to breathe, not with those dagger eyes that have been threatened, not with that yapping mouth that has been triggered, not with that closed mind that screams to be opened. You view your world from your eyes and get caught thinking your view is the best view when it's not. You view your world from your eyes and get caught thinking all your thoughts are true and valid when they are not. I like you best when you remember on your own that your limitations are limitless, and together we live in this world of a mess and call it our home.
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Oct 13, 2018
Oct 13, 2018 at 9:40 AM UTC
Tolerant
A head A giant boney mass Many mouths and eyes            thoroughly babbling,            whatever,            etc. Snapping and blinking Mouths Melded together on this ultra cranium Yapping on and on On and on and on Yellowed teeth and bedazzled grills Botnet mods and crop tools The most dastardly of all - An infinite production of fuzzy, Buzzing noise blobs. And Attempts to add me To its mass connection-collection head Leave me offended. "What's on your mind?" Go away. You ******* freakazoid.
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Apr 16, 2012
Apr 16, 2012 at 3:26 PM UTC
Koobface
I was walking my big Ridgeback Mr. Brown across the Starbucks parking lot when this little white poodle started yapping from the rolled-down window of a brand new Mercedes. Mr. Brown responded like shot from guns and before I knew it he was scratching at the Mercedes door eager to make friends with the poodle. Then the Mercedes owner came running out of Starbucks spilling latte all over his substantial stomach What the **** Look at those ******* scratches! Do you know how much it costs to fix a car like this? I’m suing you and your big ******* dog ! Not wise, sir, I responded… to be so aggressive with someone you don’t even know and who has a 110-lb. African Lionhound on the end of his leash. I might be a whacked-out Vietnam veteran with a hairtrigger temper or a gang member or maybe I'm just a senior citizen with an extremely protective service dog. Well, he said, his belly shaking, look at my **** car. I am looking at it I said and handed him the keys to my ’68 Shelby Cobra parked and shiny right nearby. Take mine, I said it’s more fun to drive.
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Aug 29, 2013
Aug 29, 2013 at 5:56 AM UTC
A GENEROUS MAN
You're just her little lap dog Its so pitiful and sad Jumping around yipping and yapping Like some shitzu thats gone mad She pets you now and then Throws an occasional bone Keeps you hanging on that leash While perched upon her throne She doesnt really want you Just needs your foolish loyalty In that tiny brain you know its true Offered you my open arms And a honest loving heart But you fell for her ice cold charm One day she will put you out For some strutting mastiff stud Dont bother sniffing all about For the trail of my long gone love
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Jan 11, 2014
Jan 11, 2014 at 10:03 PM UTC
Lap Dog
there's a crazzzy devil in the white house twisting our nation into a denizens den a tub of **** in a suit ascending ***** matter in a clogged toilet a black plague we have a president with the attention span of sea clams an emotional ******* drip of impetuosity a spiraling fit of rage a snarling delusional dog narcissist in a warping mirror a pathetic complainer a cyst on the body politic clot open sore seething pustule piggish **** lover gangsters dupe fascist wana be heil heil god your a pile making Russia great again licking Vlad's ***** protecting your assets no doubt and hissing tweets at war with with only everything and figments of a disturbed imagination a real windmill killer his mouth the devils mark a yapping compulsive lier forked tongued fury possessed to a fault by the vainglories of money and ego out of bounds the biggest and the best at being the very worst and a pest grand royalty of ridicule ***** a ham ****** cartoon nightmare and clumsy stumbling bore a seething volcano of perpetual excrement reading from the book of chaos aberrations of enemies a war room president at war with his own citizens huddled in a panic chamber burns and cuts himself with his own hot sharp words as there thrown back at him a bully getting bullied a ripper getting ripped the brains of a lizards eyelid in a shadeless socket pulp hearted orangutan menace to society his mottled soul like a black sun on the verge of a black hole a hell mill of decrepitude a dark creep creeping tarnishing our beautiful country lights dim America there's a devil in the white house
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May 31, 2017
May 31, 2017 at 5:00 PM UTC
Devil In the White House
there's a crazzzy devil in the white house twisting our nation into a denizens den a tub of **** in a suit ascending ***** matter in a clogged toilet a black plague we have a president with the attention span of sea clams an emotional ******* drip of impetuosity a spiraling fit of rage a snarling delusional dog narcissist in a warping mirror a pathetic complainer a cyst on the body politic clot open sore seething pustule piggish **** lover gangsters dupe fascist wana be heil heil god your a pile making Russia great again licking Vlad's ***** protecting your assets no doubt and hissing tweets at war with with only everything and figments of a disturbed imagination a real windmill killer his mouth the devils mark a yapping compulsive lier forked tongued fury possessed to a fault by the vainglories of money and ego out of bounds the biggest and the best at being the very worst and a pest grand royalty of ridicule ***** a ham ****** cartoon nightmare and clumsy stumbling bore a seething volcano of perpetual excrement reading from the book of chaos aberrations of enemies a war room president at war with his own citizens huddled in a panic chamber burns and cuts himself with his own hot sharp words as there thrown back at him a bully getting bullied a ripper getting ripped the brains of a lizards eyelid in a shadeless socket pulp hearted orangutan menace to society his mottled soul like a black sun on the verge of a black hole a hell mill of decrepitude a dark creep creeping tarnishing our beautiful country lights dim America there's a devil in the white house
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73
Carrickfergus (1937) - poem by Louis Macneice. I was born in Belfast between the mountain and the gantries To the hooting of lost sirens and the clang of trams; Thence to Smoky Carrick in County Antrim Where the bottle-neck harbour collects the mud which jams The little boats beneath the Norman castle, The pier shining with lumps of crystal salt; The Scotch quarter was a line of residential houses But the Irish quarter was a slum for the blind and halt. The brook ran yellow from the factory stinking of chlorine, The yarn mill called it's funeral cry at noon; Our lights looked over the lough to the lights of Bangor Under the peacock aura of a drowning moon. The Norman walled this town against the country To stop his ears to the yelping of his slave And built a church in the form of a cross but denoting The list of Christ on the cross in the angle of the nave. I was the rectors son, born to the Anglican order, Banned for ever from the candles of the Irish poor; The Chichesters knelt in marble at the end of a transept With ruffs about their necks, their portion sure. The war came and a huge camp of soldiers Grew from the ground in sight of our house with long Dummies hanging from gibbets for bayonet practice And the sentry's challenge echoing all day long; A Yorkshire terrier ran in and out by the gate-lodge Barred to civilians, yapping as if taking affront; Marching at ease and singing 'Who Killed **** Robin?' The troops went out by the lodge and off to the Front. The steamer was camouflaged that took me to England- Sweat and khaki in the Carlisle train; I thought that the war would last for ever and sugar be always rationed and that never again Would the weekly papers not have photos of sandbags And my governess not make bandages from moss And people not have maps above the fireplace With flags on pins moving across and across- Across the hawthorn hedge the noise of bugles, Flares across the night, Somewhere on the lough was a prison ship for Germans, A cage across their sight. I went to school in Dorset, the world of parents Contracted into a puppet world of sons Far from the mill girls, the smell of porter, the salt-mines And the soldiers with their guns. Louis Macneice
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Jun 17, 2016
Jun 17, 2016 at 8:54 AM UTC
Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)
Carrickfergus (1937) - poem by Louis Macneice. I was born in Belfast between the mountain and the gantries To the hooting of lost sirens and the clang of trams; Thence to Smoky Carrick in County Antrim Where the bottle-neck harbour collects the mud which jams The little boats beneath the Norman castle, The pier shining with lumps of crystal salt; The Scotch quarter was a line of residential houses But the Irish quarter was a slum for the blind and halt. The brook ran yellow from the factory stinking of chlorine, The yarn mill called it's funeral cry at noon; Our lights looked over the lough to the lights of Bangor Under the peacock aura of a drowning moon. The Norman walled this town against the country To stop his ears to the yelping of his slave And built a church in the form of a cross but denoting The list of Christ on the cross in the angle of the nave. I was the rectors son, born to the Anglican order, Banned for ever from the candles of the Irish poor; The Chichesters knelt in marble at the end of a transept With ruffs about their necks, their portion sure. The war came and a huge camp of soldiers Grew from the ground in sight of our house with long Dummies hanging from gibbets for bayonet practice And the sentry's challenge echoing all day long; A Yorkshire terrier ran in and out by the gate-lodge Barred to civilians, yapping as if taking affront; Marching at ease and singing 'Who Killed **** Robin?' The troops went out by the lodge and off to the Front. The steamer was camouflaged that took me to England- Sweat and khaki in the Carlisle train; I thought that the war would last for ever and sugar be always rationed and that never again Would the weekly papers not have photos of sandbags And my governess not make bandages from moss And people not have maps above the fireplace With flags on pins moving across and across- Across the hawthorn hedge the noise of bugles, Flares across the night, Somewhere on the lough was a prison ship for Germans, A cage across their sight. I went to school in Dorset, the world of parents Contracted into a puppet world of sons Far from the mill girls, the smell of porter, the salt-mines And the soldiers with their guns. Louis Macneice
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46
They come in many different sizes Different colors, different cuts All purebred from Poodle planet No mixing of Martian mutts Innocently enough we let them into our homes Now with too many it is to little to late We've been taken captive without even knowing By Poodles from Outer Space Soon, very soon to take over it all Ruling the world of common man Getting us to do their bidding at every call Has all along been their dastardly plan Leading us to believe that we are the Masters But what is really behind the bark And what's up with all the tail wagging Just waiting it out while playing their cards And the crazed frenzy in all of the yapping That they do while roaming in packs Is just giving away their location So the Mother Ship knows where they are at As it continues to circle our planet In the unassuming shape of a Milk-Bone The Alien Poodles are in cahoots with Purina Google it, you'll see I'm not wrong Years ago they first landed in France Where quickly they blended in From there is where they ventured out Into all the major Continents Now in every corner of the world In all of its crooks and crannies Saying hello to those in the know wherever they go By their Planet's greeting...the sniffing of ***** Yes, they are Poodles from Outer Space So toss that dog a bone If you ever wonder who is in charge And who it is that's owned...
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Mar 13, 2014
Mar 13, 2014 at 8:51 AM UTC
Poodles from Outer Space
I had forgotten the way to the hut that I had traveled to so many times, so many days. So many moons, I would say. But no one marks moons anymore, except hunters. And I am not one of them. Nor a gatherer. I listen to old men tell how they felled the stags. I do not believe them. I am a wayfarer, to use the archaic words I used to love, the words I had forgotten, the words of time in eternity, the words of orange leaves on towering pin oaks, the words of circles of shadows settling on Gavarnie, of snowfall in the Pyrénées. Sever Spain from the Continent. I had lost the language of the ***** spray-painted sheep scampering over gray-bouldered cirques on mountaintops, boulders turning into mountains in the shadows, in the fog, in drifts of snow. There are no words for this now. Bleating sheep drown them out, and yapping dogs. There are no words for the radiance of transcendence. “Climb higher,” I hear them say. Higher into the haze of clouds. Cirque: circle, circus. Acrobatics on hillsides, balancing acts on rockslides, skimming streams in hard-toed boots. I had forgotten the way to the words, far behind me. I have come to a gate, a steep stile in shadow. No sheep can pass. Nothing looks familiar; nothing looks strange. I saunter in a cloud of unknowing. I had known the words: worn, smooth as stone unscuffed by hard-toed boots, slick as snowmelt. Slide from France into Spain. This is the path of Santiago de Compostela, the route of St. James, who said, “Do not be double-minded, brethren.” I cannot remember if I have been double-minded in my travels. I had forgotten the way. If the words do not come, which mind sees the threshold; which mind circles the fog? What passes, what begins when we travel? I do not look backward. The way lies ahead, waiting, wandering away from the words. Splotches of lichen sprout orange and green. “Go no higher for safety.” No higher. They do not mention exile or ecstasy or the straight path of radiance. The cirque circles my words in mountain shadows. I must unlearn the art of travel, adrift in broken fields of stone. I had forgotten the way to the hut. Rocks obscure the path. Light ensures the path leads upward. Nothing is lost. Words hold their weight. Stags dance above me in fog.
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Aug 14, 2018
Aug 14, 2018 at 3:19 PM UTC
Pyrénées
I had forgotten the way to the hut that I had traveled to so many times, so many days. So many moons, I would say. But no one marks moons anymore, except hunters. And I am not one of them. Nor a gatherer. I listen to old men tell how they felled the stags. I do not believe them. I am a wayfarer, to use the archaic words I used to love, the words I had forgotten, the words of time in eternity, the words of orange leaves on towering pin oaks, the words of circles of shadows settling on Gavarnie, of snowfall in the Pyrénées. Sever Spain from the Continent. I had lost the language of the ***** spray-painted sheep scampering over gray-bouldered cirques on mountaintops, boulders turning into mountains in the shadows, in the fog, in drifts of snow. There are no words for this now. Bleating sheep drown them out, and yapping dogs. There are no words for the radiance of transcendence. “Climb higher,” I hear them say. Higher into the haze of clouds. Cirque: circle, circus. Acrobatics on hillsides, balancing acts on rockslides, skimming streams in hard-toed boots. I had forgotten the way to the words, far behind me. I have come to a gate, a steep stile in shadow. No sheep can pass. Nothing looks familiar; nothing looks strange. I saunter in a cloud of unknowing. I had known the words: worn, smooth as stone unscuffed by hard-toed boots, slick as snowmelt. Slide from France into Spain. This is the path of Santiago de Compostela, the route of St. James, who said, “Do not be double-minded, brethren.” I cannot remember if I have been double-minded in my travels. I had forgotten the way. If the words do not come, which mind sees the threshold; which mind circles the fog? What passes, what begins when we travel? I do not look backward. The way lies ahead, waiting, wandering away from the words. Splotches of lichen sprout orange and green. “Go no higher for safety.” No higher. They do not mention exile or ecstasy or the straight path of radiance. The cirque circles my words in mountain shadows. I must unlearn the art of travel, adrift in broken fields of stone. I had forgotten the way to the hut. Rocks obscure the path. Light ensures the path leads upward. Nothing is lost. Words hold their weight. Stags dance above me in fog.
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19
DEDICATED TO THE FAT HIDEOUS BETTY, MY NEIGHBOUR **Does anyone here know of a good mohel? As I urgently need someone to circumcise My neighbour's Yorkshire terrier, canine boil Needing lancing, joybringing to my eyes. A kindly mohel simply will not do; He must lack scruple and human pity; That hound’s not been bathed for a year or two So th'event might turn out a bit ****** Yorkshire terriers are of two classes: The insistent yapping ones we all hate And the ***** ones with hairy arses; But both look good nailed to your garden gate. And he needn't be a mohel either, Merely someone with a willing cleaver.**
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Mar 26, 2015
Mar 26, 2015 at 8:05 AM UTC
A Bloodthirsty Yet Beauteous Sonnet by Edna
The white bleached corpse of day is fast - reddened, bloodied - torn to scarlet shreds of evening slashed by wild and fiery crimsons. Light leaching and passing westward from bridge to bridge garlands of mist drift up the river Shadows dart, shelter and linger blackness creeps and claws the shades of night Darkness spills down docks and ditches fingers through the strands of light by midnight every dock is still Moon hangs full, naked and weary slow stiching silver threads through tall ships rigging in the dim and dreary night A yapping dog disturbs the quiet more insistent than the stars. © M.L.Emmett
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Sep 3, 2014
Sep 3, 2014 at 12:13 PM UTC
The White Beached Corpse of Day
There will be no service and no luncheon when you “now” becomes a “Then” Just a dignified cremation awaits at your Journey’s end. There will be no spoken eulogy By a priest who knew you not. No crying yapping relatives- For none had you begot. There are those of us who’ll shed a tear, to think the old Girl’s passed. but there’ s no need to wear a suit Or get the Limos gassed. You’ll have passed on in your sleep Having felt the needles pinch. A far more humane fate I think than dying by the inch. Brownie was a good dog And often gave me her paw. She always got excited when she saw me at the door. A better pet you couldn’t get, Nor meet a gentler soul. I’ll shed a quiet private tear when I put away her bowl.
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Apr 22, 2012
Apr 22, 2012 at 7:49 PM UTC
Brownie Murphy R.I.P.
She was so upset, while tears ran down her face. Her ugly crocodile tears socializing in the corner Of her Bambi blue eyes. Biting into whatever muscle feels most like guilt. My heart I think… but It still hasn’t thawed From months of her frigid shoulder and icy Glances. I can’t get past this instantaneously Because you decided I’m worth something in this second. Cant take that pain again you Are mentally mad, you said I was nothing. I’m sorry I keep thinking You must be on something, A bad trip, malice Seems like motive Alice, But I’m getting the fuuuuccckk Out of wonderland. I can’t stand you like this , no bye bye kiss **** it up baby girl, I know your strong Then you were just so big… Now you say your small But you Already crushed my world. You keep spewing words at me yapping, After this and that, pulling every trick from your hat, But I wont have it I’m Not going to be chasing no white rabbit. No need to create bad habits. You made me crazy I’m talking like jabber jabber-jabberwocky Seriously kid, you slay me.
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Jun 7, 2012
Jun 7, 2012 at 11:13 PM UTC
Disney must have known me...
I stroll into the bathroom newspaper tucked under my arm. The silent morning ambience holds for me a special charm. Whistling,I lift the toilet seat to take my morning leak. I'm stopped up short when I hear someone speak. "Morning bro,what's up?", came the voice from below. I stared in utter disbelief at the toilet saying hello. "Don't freak out",it said. "Just do your thing,I'll do mine. We can be the best of mates till the end of ***** time." "Oh well",I thought and started where I left off. Aiming into a talking *** Isn't easy..Hey!Don't you scoff! "Wow!You've got a lot stored up" quipped the rude toilet. "No wonder they're saying there's a drought in the nearby hamlet" On-off,on-off came the flow as the seat moved up and down. Only later did I come to know I own the most loquacious loo in town. Irritated I told it to shut up. "Bro,what will you p### into?", it laughed,splashing water around. No arguing that,it speaks true.. "Hey did you hear? Old Loo-pin next drain got married to Pottyara. I hate her,she's too vain!" "Work on your technique mate, I've seen toddlers do better... My,my!Seriously?!Still got more?! I'm getting wetter and wetter!" "Will you hold still!"I shouted. "Hey don't take that tone with me. Being watered in the maw ain't fun. Swap places and then we'll see!" "It'd be a lot more easier",I reasoned "if you would stop yapping. Who cares about super toilets?! Now just start lapping!" "Okay sheesh,someone's grumpy. What?!show some pity on the loo! Hey!Wait!Stop right there!! Sh##,now I've to take poo too?!" "Okay get this over with quickly. You're choking me!!Aaaahhh!!! Okay,never ever again take chilly sauce with pizza!" As I flush and leave,it cries "Oh the horror!the horror!!! All the perfumes of Arabia cannot wash away this odour!"
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Sep 24, 2013
Sep 24, 2013 at 11:09 AM UTC
Loquacious Loo!
I stroll into the bathroom newspaper tucked under my arm. The silent morning ambience holds for me a special charm. Whistling,I lift the toilet seat to take my morning leak. I'm stopped up short when I hear someone speak. "Morning bro,what's up?", came the voice from below. I stared in utter disbelief at the toilet saying hello. "Don't freak out",it said. "Just do your thing,I'll do mine. We can be the best of mates till the end of ***** time." "Oh well",I thought and started where I left off. Aiming into a talking *** Isn't easy..Hey!Don't you scoff! "Wow!You've got a lot stored up" quipped the rude toilet. "No wonder they're saying there's a drought in the nearby hamlet" On-off,on-off came the flow as the seat moved up and down. Only later did I come to know I own the most loquacious loo in town. Irritated I told it to shut up. "Bro,what will you p### into?", it laughed,splashing water around. No arguing that,it speaks true.. "Hey did you hear? Old Loo-pin next drain got married to Pottyara. I hate her,she's too vain!" "Work on your technique mate, I've seen toddlers do better... My,my!Seriously?!Still got more?! I'm getting wetter and wetter!" "Will you hold still!"I shouted. "Hey don't take that tone with me. Being watered in the maw ain't fun. Swap places and then we'll see!" "It'd be a lot more easier",I reasoned "if you would stop yapping. Who cares about super toilets?! Now just start lapping!" "Okay sheesh,someone's grumpy. What?!show some pity on the loo! Hey!Wait!Stop right there!! Sh##,now I've to take poo too?!" "Okay get this over with quickly. You're choking me!!Aaaahhh!!! Okay,never ever again take chilly sauce with pizza!" As I flush and leave,it cries "Oh the horror!the horror!!! All the perfumes of Arabia cannot wash away this odour!"
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60
So, it’s three in the morning and a man in a gorilla suit is running across my lawn. Quigley runs figure-eights—yapping, yelping. The light in McKevitt’s window flickers on then off—he doesn’t see this **** stumbling and slopping about the dark yard, pulling at the plush love handles of his unwieldy suit—its zipper just visible in blue moonlight. He’s trying not to step on the little black dog nipping at his paw. I pace at the window hoping he will leave. I pace some more and fumble at the nightstand for a cigarette. I beat my chest to scare this thing away and though I feel foolish, I grunt. I grunt and expect him to listen to reason— he doesn’t and collapses near the shed. Quigley watches him—curiously cocking his head. He licks the rubber face with his pink tongue thinking this monkey’s me—not well at all and sopped in booze. I get under the cold sheet. I toss. I turn. I curse the ****** ape well into morning. I hit snooze until I’m sure he’s gone. This has been going on for weeks I beat my chest and show my teeth. I pace the dark room—smoking, grumbling. I consider buying a bigger dog, a bigger gun. I send him death threats, then love notes. Nothing works— I can’t shake this monkey from my back. So excuse me for calling at this odd hour to howl about my primate problem—the chimp on my shoulder. or maybe a bonobo? (you know, the one that made life with me so hard.) In any case, he’s my problem now and tonight he’s knocking at the door
0
May 10, 2010
May 10, 2010 at 8:05 AM UTC
Primates
So, it’s three in the morning and a man in a gorilla suit is running across my lawn. Quigley runs figure-eights—yapping, yelping. The light in McKevitt’s window flickers on then off—he doesn’t see this **** stumbling and slopping about the dark yard, pulling at the plush love handles of his unwieldy suit—its zipper just visible in blue moonlight. He’s trying not to step on the little black dog nipping at his paw. I pace at the window hoping he will leave. I pace some more and fumble at the nightstand for a cigarette. I beat my chest to scare this thing away and though I feel foolish, I grunt. I grunt and expect him to listen to reason— he doesn’t and collapses near the shed. Quigley watches him—curiously cocking his head. He licks the rubber face with his pink tongue thinking this monkey’s me—not well at all and sopped in booze. I get under the cold sheet. I toss. I turn. I curse the ****** ape well into morning. I hit snooze until I’m sure he’s gone. This has been going on for weeks I beat my chest and show my teeth. I pace the dark room—smoking, grumbling. I consider buying a bigger dog, a bigger gun. I send him death threats, then love notes. Nothing works— I can’t shake this monkey from my back. So excuse me for calling at this odd hour to howl about my primate problem—the chimp on my shoulder. or maybe a bonobo? (you know, the one that made life with me so hard.) In any case, he’s my problem now and tonight he’s knocking at the door
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36
I wanted to write a poem about the incessant discomfort I always feel in my left eye whenever my contact lenses become old and dry I thought about how it tickles but scratches at the same time and starts off alright just a minor annoyance but quickly, overtime becomes almost unbearable like my pre-school bully himself is folding down one of my eyelashes just enough for it to poke me at the slightest movement then I thought about how I'd sooner write a poem about my life and how it started out equally alright and quickly, overtime became almost unbearable as if my pre-school bully didn't do it right so I found him in his adult life many years later wife, two kids and a mortgage yappy staffy-cross, two cars and an alright job as a graphic designer his garden full of gorgeous flowerbeds, a full head of hair and a fading right hook "MAKE ME FEEL **** LIKE YOU DID THEN." a puzzled look on his face, garden hose flooding his drive and the yappy staffy-cross still yapping away at the living room window "I'M DEAD SERIOUS ANDREW, NOTHING HURTS LIKE IT USED TO." so he called the police and I never got to feel young again unless you count scurrying away from a council estate under the threat of a poor meal at Parkside police station the rekindling of my youth so this is my infomercial poem about how not to confront someone always be fully clothed that's very important avoid being drunk any mind altering substance is best avoided in my opinion remember just because you care just because you remember does not mean anyone else does oh and don't eyeball craft beer when you still have your contacts in you know what? -just don't eyeball craft beer
0
Feb 1, 2021
Feb 1, 2021 at 6:02 PM UTC
Too Good at Scaring Neighbours
I wanted to write a poem about the incessant discomfort I always feel in my left eye whenever my contact lenses become old and dry I thought about how it tickles but scratches at the same time and starts off alright just a minor annoyance but quickly, overtime becomes almost unbearable like my pre-school bully himself is folding down one of my eyelashes just enough for it to poke me at the slightest movement then I thought about how I'd sooner write a poem about my life and how it started out equally alright and quickly, overtime became almost unbearable as if my pre-school bully didn't do it right so I found him in his adult life many years later wife, two kids and a mortgage yappy staffy-cross, two cars and an alright job as a graphic designer his garden full of gorgeous flowerbeds, a full head of hair and a fading right hook "MAKE ME FEEL **** LIKE YOU DID THEN." a puzzled look on his face, garden hose flooding his drive and the yappy staffy-cross still yapping away at the living room window "I'M DEAD SERIOUS ANDREW, NOTHING HURTS LIKE IT USED TO." so he called the police and I never got to feel young again unless you count scurrying away from a council estate under the threat of a poor meal at Parkside police station the rekindling of my youth so this is my infomercial poem about how not to confront someone always be fully clothed that's very important avoid being drunk any mind altering substance is best avoided in my opinion remember just because you care just because you remember does not mean anyone else does oh and don't eyeball craft beer when you still have your contacts in you know what? -just don't eyeball craft beer
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54
[allow] me to lick the Newness: off your face, away from the yapping white noise in the distance, out of the infant smile you shed. Lets dance the color of welded [souls] all you who fracture under [the heavy mass of] my emerging grin, cast the [humanity] from your leaden chins lets [radiate beyond our stiff] elderly shells- stretch to the most intricate composition of every genre of pebble [person] Don’t stop there! [pass] pockets of serendipity to the greyest nimbus, the slightest twitch of grass, the [breath] of soil. why must we comfort Zones? I will ****** your plush practiced demeanor to [nurse] your pallid glimmers of certified [You].
0
Dec 4, 2013
Dec 4, 2013 at 10:51 AM UTC
Abhorred Comfort Zone
*prince of the forest growing inside of me antlers feel like gold to my searching fingertips stag caught in headlights warning signs on hazel eyes yours were even bluer than the bluest skies hunters with silver knives chasing our bumpy trail but your hooves fast as light they chased to no avail young deer kissed the fox yapping at its feet predator and prey in peace can finally meet*
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Apr 6, 2017
Apr 6, 2017 at 5:20 PM UTC
The Stag and The Fox