I was expecting time to heal, but it hurt
you take my friend, I'll take the summer in the dark.
I feel like when I look at you
I'm looking at my own grave
So come out spiders, for all to see
I've been losing it for a while now
Was it true, how once upon a time,
you truly had some faith in me?
Now It's me against the world.

The darkness hides the spiders crawling on me
and my irrational fears caress me and turn me astray.
another hope to me,
is another reason to stay in bed.
I'd rather get lost in the beats roaring in my ears
It's okay I understand why you're with them.
It's probably just because they're better than me.
Is that why you left in the first place?

Forgive me, I counted off again, I know.
I know the days will only get worse from here
but still I hope today will be the only day
I'll say, "I've never felt so dead in my whole life."
Everyone moves on so quick, I'm so slow.
Can something just go right for a change?
Is something coming? Or is everything leaving?

So open your mind, though I'd rather turn it off
when I move, I'm spazzing out.  
Wait for me friends, I'm almost there
Just let me fight through this.

Now that I'm sure you're not coming back
you probably never needed me in the first place
and I probably wont ever move to you
I won't try either way now.
I'll still see you around though.
Though I can't promise I'll wave or smile.

Maybe tomorrow will be better
Part of me never wants to find out
and the rest of me wishes to skip summer
Yes, I know, I'm losing
and God knows it too.
**maybe if I just give it some more time...

Someday I'll show you,
I'll prove I'm not just some useless ******
who needs to borrow your car, mom.
Someday you'll see
I'm not just a  brainless pothead gettin
      ****** in the backyard
I'll take these working arms
And buy my own **** car
And some drugs on the side
Smoke *** in my own ride
Trip out in my own backyard
       Just wait and see
           I'll go far

I know you're confused and I know
       you don't see
But I figured out which lock goes to
        which key.
I know you're worried
    But, baby, there's no danger
I figured out the universe,
   So life is now a treasure

I want you to stop worrying
that I'm smoking cigarettes
I think those things are nasty
If you don't know that yet

Just stop worrying, stop spazzing
I promise I'll keep the noise down
And soon I'll find my own place
That I can be loud in
Don't you worry my dear,
My mind is clear, my thoughts
    are holy
This smoke helps my depression,
Helps spark my inspiration
So don't worry, ma'am  
I'll stop livin' in your basement
And I promise I'll share my riches
When I stop trippin', starin' at the wall
Cause that's all I'm doin'
There ain't no harm at all

Everything is just as it should be
I'm happy
I'm finally free,
Only light around me
So don't worry mom,
and I'm sorry I keep you up
So late at night

Listen to that big band swing,
Jippin dat doo dattin, with Bing.
Twirl and dancing that vinyl black.
Feelin' the beat through the thumpin' bass crack.
Movin' digits like dancin. Dames.
Tease out that trumpet's pinching twang.
Her dress twirls through the floor,
She.
Spiraling blackhole, spiraling through time net curvatures wormhole.
My ears crash, jazzy spats, of floppin' bop, on the tendrils of brain,
The ooze in my ears feels drunk from the tune,
Music peers to the table cloths wine stain.
She's the toilet water of my music.


Oh that swing.
Oh!
THAT SWING.
I cant help but love that swing like, child's kiss.
Bringing me soft love in lime blues, cross jazz legs,
Spazzing with cigarette drags, dragging my nails through your chest,
Oh that swing, smears me through your dress.

Love child, those legs,
Beauty those pearly notes,
Prickling whites,
Shark teeth scratching the record,
Or just dust.
Slides________
Slides the tip of the stylus through divots,
In the pavement street of record.
Missive.

Don't turn that table too slow now.
That swing can't stop.
Oh that big band swing.
Beat that rhythm,
Boys...take it from the top.

I knew it was bad when my fingernails were ringed
with red
as I ran them over ribbons and excused myself
from confetti cake to make them
redder.

my head was burning
a sparkling candle burning
my hands were yearning
a spazzing sticking yearning

my family was singing
a muffled stifling singing
my ears were ringing
a loud ear-piercing ringing

sing
ring
sting
stop stop stop my scalp is stinging

Nothing was clear until my fingernails
were red
and coated with pieces of my head:
rubbed raw and picked clean
You’re telling me
this is something you haven’t seen?

It doesn’t make sense because:
I don’t put pencils in a perfect pristine line
I don’t count my cheerios before I can dine
I can turn the lights on and off just fine
but my fingernails
are red
and apparently that’s a sign.


I can tell you where
every single pinprick lives
and spreads fire down my scalp
into my brain
How it tells me
your math homework can wait
save me
or you’ll go insane

My nails are short
but still red
My brain is intact
but still missing its head

Oh, how I could See the Disorder in a
demented disturbed decision
to forfeit my favorite vanilla cake
for blood

stop stop stop, i’m begging you, brain

you can’t stop; you know you need pain
leave me alone, and you’ll go insane.

riot rhythm
vertical to vertical
we're all going up or down
there's no cross section
it gives me those jitters
where you're lurching fast forward
let's just fast forward
so we can waste time
regretting things
waiting for the dreaming hour
waiting to escape
always hunting for energy
that isn't manufactured anymore
it's when the layers are pulsing in your ears
that you remember the real life
long ago.

muscles spazzing with every
twitch of the clock
there's not enough space in the
world to occupy my heart's
beating motion.

the ambulance is going faster
when you're sinking into the earth
nothing's written in records
and Hancock never lived
nor did I.
buried in the ground is the
only positive pressure I've
ever befriended.

close to the ground
head under a table
deja vu
I wish I lived earlier
so I could feels the same
kind of emotions they did.
I think I do.

tears avalanching
onto the mountainside
below my eyes.

nothing catches my interest
or my eye
quite like a happy tune
with sad lyrics.

I swear,
Our friendship was founded on
Internet surfing.
Violent yelps and giggles
Erupt through the air,
Making all those who
know not of what we feel
Shush us.
But they will never know the
true feelings behind all of
the "spazzing", as you put it.

We laugh and scream
nonsense things about boats and bikes,
pretending we know Korean or Chinese.
But we both do know
that's just the way we bond with one another.

And I'd would choose you over a k-drama or a Barbie movie.
Any day.

By Arcassin Burnham

The sun , the stars are always happy seeing your face in astonishing
When your excited Just for a minute,
I'm all out of puns , but now i just got bad jokes , I'll use they're times
Wisely, just for a minute,
I'm was always on some kind of medication spazzing out and bumming
but only just For a minute,
And through it all you stood by me with guardian-like intentions with
All your fears and hopes just for a minute,

Randomly assigned to make you laugh at every aspect seeing as
You have a hard time at school with kids and grades,
Kawaii nails for grabs and the girls really liked your style,
May have a lot on my plate too but I like your smile,
Trancish features , even all your teachers think your beautiful,
Sitting on the bleachers , not knowing that it's my heart that you
Really stole.



/


Scratching wood does not remind me , of your,
Squeamish Skin when I touch,
Don't think of you as a trophy, cause I'm,
Living , living in your love,
Two days would pass by me love , but it wouldn't,
Stop me from dreaming you,
Tree carvings wouldn't be the only, cause,
The cause of feeling blue,

Could ya , could ya , be a , be a,
Everything that I've been hoping for,

I could  be ya , I could , I could , be ya,
Everything forever and more,
Could ya , could ya , be a , be a,
Everything that I've been hoping for,

I could  be ya , I could , I could , be ya,
Everything forever and more,


Breaking all this silence between us,
Boring all these trees.

I wrote this soon after I had a panic attack at a party. I am a person that sometimes I can live and genuinely give no ***** about anything - myself included. But sometimes my thoughts would **** me all at once and I would have panic attacks. This is what happened and when I think of this day, I think of how scared and sad I was. I always let the love my sister showed me overshadow the fear because no, love didn't cure me, but it taught me. It showed me where to channel my value and that it's okay to show weakness to people that love you enough to be strong for you when you can't do it alone.

1 – The act itself is embarrassing enough;
         spazzing out,
         rocking in place,
         tears on your cheeks,
         heavy, uneven breathing,
         face so pale they almost call an ambulance

2 – Now they've seen you at your weakest; your lowest low
And you can't undo it, you just hope it ends soon – then you freak out more, because you still can't breathe

3 – They know now, that you actually do care. And when you try to feign indifference in the future – if you don’t die on this nasty floor tonight – they'll know it's fake
     They have that power; that knowledge that they can do something to effect you
      That literally leaves you shaking

4 – When you finally start to breathe again
They ask what happened and are you okay and does this happen often
      you can't even talk,
         because of the panic attack itself,
         your effort to not mess up your breathing again,
         your shock that people know that you can be shattered,
         your ability to come back to reality is completely ******,
and you just take in your surroundings,
  counting how many people saw, not meeting their eyes

5 – When you finally come to, and realize that it's not a nightmare, it's your life, you just sit there and shake – with your head between your knees, silent tears mix with the ones from your fear of dying, your hands hug your knees, so that no one sees then tremble

6 – You try to zone out what the people are saying around you, suddenly realizing  *just how many people witnessed your breaking point,
but it's hard when they don't even try to be subtle

7 – When someone offers you a glass of water, you wipe your face on your knees, trying not to be totally obvious, but when you grab the cup, your hands shake so much that most of the water ends up in your lap

8 – You sip your water, choking from your dry throat, but not coughing so that they don't stare even more

9 – Every sound is at a max volume, but in a tunnel
You hear them laugh, some tsk with pity, others try to steer the conversation to something else,
    out of kindness or selfishness, you'll never know, don't really care

10 – When you feel okay enough to stand, you finally look up, trying not to stare, but trying to remember all who saw
       In your head, you're embarrassed, but you don’t feel your cheeks heat
          Probably because you barely even have enough energy to breathe

11 – When you meet their eyes, most are filled with pity and sympathy, you look away quickly, your breathing already accelerated, moving on to the next set of eyes

12 – You come across eyes that looks taunting, paired with a knowing smirk
You square your shoulders as best you can, take a deep breath, telling yourself
              I may be weak in the anxiety- sense, but they’re weak minded in every sense

13 – You see some with understanding, you do a double take, sure that your mind is fooling you, but sure enough, they're oozing pity, but also empathy
You stare longer, but they turn away.
         Coward

14 - You see another with anger, guess I ruined their night too, quickly passing them

15 – In your head, you chaste yourself for even looking into their eyes
        You knew what would be there, but you looked anyway
              Isn't that what got you into this position in the first place?

16 – You head for the exit, the attention seemingly off of you
You turn the door **** and step outside, walk to the road, finally finding your car
You get behind the wheel and realize your hands are still shaking, your breathing is uneven, you still haven't spoken, and your vision isn't only clouded, it's closing in with black dots

17 – You realize you've been hold your breath, so you drag in a strained breath, and your head falls to the stewarding wheel
      You don't move, but you realize that you can't drive
          You shouldn't drive

18 – Your sister pops into your head first, so you call her
Your voice quivers in the phone, but she doesn't ask many questions;
    Just where and an okay

19 – She finds you and puts you in her car, but you don't really remember doing that
   She blasts the heat and heads home
     You stay quiet, too embarrassed to even say thank you.
        You hang your head and close your eyes.

20 – You get home; she holds your elbow as you walk inside because you’re wobbly
You lay on the couch, tears all dried now, but the persistent lump in your throat is still there
She brings you mint chocolate chip ice cream – your favorite
She doesn't talk as you both dig in
   You finally look up at her, wanting to say thank you, but the lump won’t let you

21 – She doesn't look at you with understanding, anger, or pity, sympathy, or annoyance – nothing like the eyes before
She looks at you, same as she did the day before;
love with a hint of tiredness around the edges,
    but not tiredness at you, at the god awful hour and day of the week

22 – You try to smile, but it probably looks like a seizure is happening on your mouth
She doesn't laugh at you
   Just reaches over, tugs on a piece of your hair and says, "you're hair looks pretty. Wanna watch Tom & Jerry?"

23 – You breathe

Early Morning Thought's Haunt Agian,
How Are You Feeling,
1-10
A Little Bit Sick,
****,
There's No Medicine,
Nor Cure,
Fears Lethal,
Injecting Placebo Needles,
In Inncoent People,
All Authority & Other Men,
I Thought We Were Equal,
Trust Is An Illusion,
Goverment Loves Evil,
They Real Bad With The Flag,
Grabbin That Egeal,
Enough Is What I've Had,
Were Not Trash,
Stop Back Stabbin The People,
Honestly We Don't Wanna Be,
Mondern Way Slaves
Souls Precious So Smegal,,
These Days Display Slaughtering Sequals,
Sippin From The Tip Of The Last Cup,
Where Did My Tea Go,
Won't Mask Up,
No Disquise ,
Meet My Eyes,
When It's Time To Fly,
Remember The Stare ,
Tremmbling Glare,
Intriging Guy,
Are You Feeling Okay,
No, I Thought So,
Let Me Know , Why,
Were Similar A Alike,
We Wanna Feel Okay,
Secure , Safe,
Make It Threw The Night,
I've Been In The Dark So Long
House Lights Aint Bright,
Dim From The Grim,
Face Shakes ,
Hey My Chin,
Skin Ripping Like My Shins In Condition ,
Cold Winds,
Myster Told,
I've Been Alone , Aching Bones,
Blistering Blizzard Snow,
Lets Take A Flight Tonight To Rome,
After My Show,
Just To Show Our Pretty Eyes,
What's Possible,
Plottin On Forgottin Fuel,
Ew Obsticales, Lot's Of Those,
The Way I Spit Real ****,
Gets Me Lots of Hoes,
I Don't Attend To Their Hunger Needs,
They Don't Give Affection,
They Beg For Things,
I'm Making Cheese,
My Own Kind,
Spazzing All The Time,
Cracked My Spine,
If Acid In Your Back Is A Myth,
Then Why When It Pops,
I'm Lost High As ****,
3rd Eye Pirate Fist,
Twitch Iron Fish,
My Life Is Twister In Winter Midst,
Tree's That Breathe Release Of Sin,
Chosen One 3rd Son,
13 Candles Lit,
Black Robes,
Back Rodes,
Phantom Sits,
That Rope,
666 Notes,
333 Oaths,
A Cat, Candle Black,
Blood Bath & A Ghost,
Letter Inside A Sweater ,
Mr. Cap Crow,
Train Tracks Split,
Deep ****,
Holding On To This
All I Hear Is Hiss,
I Wanna Get Lost In Zen ,
But Cant Sit For 10 Mins,
HyperAware,
Sniperlike Stare,
No Money , You Hungry , No Problem
I'll Share,
Don't Sleep In The Street,
Heres A Bed With Clean Sheets,
You Can Lay There
I'm Hurt So I Care,
Home Is Somethin I Don't Know,
Where,
Majority Of My Life,
Especially At Night,
I Am There,
Feeling Satan Sensations,
Shaking ,
Hard To Bear,
Empty All Alone,
I Am Scared
Becoming Stone,
All Knowing Tones ,
Ringing Like A Phone,
Intuion Avatar,
Answers In My Bones,
Today I Crawled Out Of My Bed,
Listening To All My Guilt,
That Built Stuilts InSide My Head,
Tought Walking Tall,
I'm Walking Small,
Don't Wanna Walk Again,
Need To Hurry Put This Gun Down,
And Throw These Blades Out,
Hey Now Hold On ,
Somebodys Walking In,
I Hung A Sign Please Knock,
Humans Forgot What They Meant,
I've Been Actiavting With Hatred I Hate It,
I Save And I Cave In,
Immortal Pact,
Time Cant Earase It,
Steady With The Pen,
I Bleed For A Hug My Mother,
uggh I Cant Take It,
I Swallow My Spit, Stand Up , Sit Try To Shake It,
Little Me, Literally Be Sizziling Like Some Backon,
Real Skills Have Taken,
Channelin Awaken,
Time Don't Exist,
Scars On My Wrist Inscist It's Mine For The Taking,
I Spread My Shreaded Wings,
And Reach For A Mystery,
Question For My Creator
List Of Things,
Are You Missing Me Like I Miss My Mom,
Grandma My Life Is Missing Things,
I Need You Both To Hold Me Close,
I Love You, Uggh I Know Yall Know,
Our History Is Pain & Mold,
I'm At Fault
Wont Let It Go,
Forgive My Self,
That's A No,
You Stayed And Prayed ,
Amazed You Both Didn't Let Me Go,
My Mother And Grandma Are Real Angels,
Incredible,
Stings When I Feel The Rush,
Cant Go Back In Time To Redo Things,
I ****** It Up,
Compromising
Darkness Rising,
I Got Real Tales,
That Can Make You Shiver,
Buckle Up, Grab Your Liver,
Hair Sliver,
What I Got Is By The River,
What I Feel And Felt,
Cannot BeA Erased,
I'm A Ghost Living In A Humans Race,
Passing Threw With A Very Netrual Face,
I Don't Wanna Be Alone,
Girl Stay,
Not So I Can Feel Your Love,
Just So You Can Feel The Space,
A Terrifying Void,
I Cant Avoid,
Been Dealing With My Demons,
Since Cleanin My Toys,
Young As Hell Just A Boy,
Everday I'm Ageging Decaying Making Noise,
In The Mirror Trancing Threw My Flesh Feautures,
How Come Death Becomes Our Best Teachers,
Yall Got Friends And ***,
Hot Shots And Bleachers,
I  Got Ghost Rabbies ,
Mold ,
Cold And Reapers ,
Distrught Fist Got Heaters,
I've Pist Off Preachers,
Aliance Giant ,
Invisible Creatures,
Thoughts Prjoecting Vibes,
That Change The Out Side,
Brain Changes With In Single Minute 100 Times,
I'm In It Till Finish,
Then I Diminish ,
My Physical Immage,
4th Dimenision,
Duality
Miracles, Fatailty
Pay Attention,
Darkest Night,
Lightest Day,
Balanced Out Talent Ouch, Legend Ways,
I Cant Be Saved,
I Recieved A Letter From Amaru  ,A Congradulate,
Your Still Going This Long ,
Have Yet To Suffocate,
It Takes Strong One To Reach This Date,
Espically When Your Hungry ,
And Ran Out Of Plates,
Or Food And Passion Fruit,
And Truth To Face,
Thoughts Rain All Day,
When The Sun Turns Black ,
Ill Be Back , To Have Your Back,
Mom, Grandma You Are Heaven,
It's 11 Tip My Hat,
You Gave Me Something Long Enough,
I'm Not Strong Enough To Give It Back, Rough,
Hard To Fathom Or Get That,
I Understand, I Stand Under Where Ever You Sit At,
Ima Demon With Demons,
No Sick Act,
****** Rose,
Thick Pact,
Living Like I'm Blind,
My Mind Likes Living In The Past,
Not Me Though,
Ya See Yo,
I'm Encyrpted Scripted With Evol,
Love From Me Is Urgently,
I Love To Strong For Way To Long,
Emergency ,
Oblibvous Pyro,
I'm Burning Things,
Savage With That Black Magik,
Turing Rings,
Listen To That Sermin Sing,
Not Again,
Heaven Will Not Let Him In,
I've Completely Burned My Wings
Pople Who Are Close To Me Are Pure Loving And Searching Dreams,
I'm The Monster Hurting Non Deservingly,
Purgtory Orders Me,
Accordingly,
Never Ending,
Hell Bending
Immortal Surgery,
I Turn To The Leak In Me,
That Gold Freuquency,
That Tried To Speak & Teach Me Things,
I Went Off On My Own Path,
Made My Own Relgion My Own Craft,
Consuquences Exist I Admit ,
I Own That,
I've Tooken,
This Farther Than A Drone Can,
Spirtual Teachers Cant Believe Thier Eyes
I'm Living Proof
I am Who Is Due To Die,
I See With With Middle Perception,
Human Eyes Do Lie,
I Hold Ages Of Prophecy,
Which Obviously Takes A Life Time,
Really Listen, Peep My Tight rymes,
Cause The Right Line You Can Realte To,
Perhaps Could Save You,
Ive Made You A Life Line,

Hard concentration upon the naked flesh,
a yearning flaring at the core that
demanded sweet release from it's pours.
The cold caress of deaden materials traced upon it
like the uncertain touch of a tender lover.
Stirring a deeper ache yet from the core of hearts,
answering pain of solid cold releasing
shivers of bliss along trembling form.
Flow of life across the tanned flesh soothing and
draining crimson streams along the arm.
Angered freed to form patterns down the skin,
body spazzing as the emotions flow freely from the soul,
unwound into divinity and beyond.
Bright light flashing behind lidded eyes and
a heated whisper singing for all eternity...

‪Things you don’t say to‬
People who
Suffer from trauma
And traumatic life
Those worlds are....
Spazz
Spazzing out
And spazzed out.  
Say that and you
Will see how ******
The universe really
Is!!!

from suffrage to making it sound that way on the radio,
worlds creativity has stopped,
year of "female pop"
Kanye spazzing every four to five seconds,
we can hope paul didnt write the plot,
i wanna reimburse your ears and soul with blood,
hope it clots

Never Changing
Back in the day you would think twice before you say my name
Considered hungry and thirsty so I chased the fame
Burning flames fairly new to the game so the **** didn’t change
So I’m smiling kinda funny cause chicks is tossing out rent money
There’s no lavish to my style No habits
Never Changing something to think about, I’m tired stressing full of doubts
At times I get in my car & ride the gas out just thinking
My ancestors would be tossing and turning in their graves to find out I was considered the epitome of a slave
Pant too small sitting with my *** out with a nasty disposition ****** no clout
Never Changing
Bills piling up gotta work it out phone keeps ringing & I’m spazzing God what’s good just asking?
Seems like never needs to change, the longer the purpose it starts to look like a three ringed circus.
Trust and believe there’s no magic hocus poke us
Never changing
**** gotta believe you can brush your teeth with how cold this game gets
Honestly, no time to hesitate because my pockets empty, so I’m running to the dollar store no Colgate.
Never Changing
Messing with this industry could be costly eager desiring to please mouths frothy Cudjo
Frantic and alone holding on to a pre-paid cell phone, losing grip tripping crazy
Lazy must put that work in, Never changing!

I AM FERROR bow
I AM GOD bow
I AM THE PLUG bow
YOURE IN MY PARADOX bow
I DESIGNED IT bow
MY CREW GOT LIFE bow
100 MILLION TON bow
MY STAGE OR DIE bow
DO YOU LIKE PAC BIG OR X bow
ON THE WORD OF THE LORD bow
YOU ARE IN DEBT TO ME bow
WITHOUT ME YOU DONT EAT bow
YOU COUNT PEOPLE I DONT AN I WON bow
EQUAL OP. MY *** bow
CALL ALL MY SOLDIERS bow
PUT IN A HIT bow
TWENTY THIRTY WORLD OWNER bow
1st an ONLY TRILLIONAIRE bow
PEOPLE DIE WITHOUT A CHOICE NOT ANYMORE bow

IF YOU MOTHER ******* DONT BUCK DOWN IM GONNA TAKE YOU OUT LEFT AN RIGHT UNTIL YOU HAND OVER THE 40 ******* ***** MADE SNITCH *** FRAUD WEAK TROLL GET WHAT YOU WANT ***** ******* THAT I PUT ON THE MAP ILL BODY BAG YOU **** A PILLOW CASE OF MONEY I GOT 100 AIRCRAFT FILLED FRONT TO BACK FLYING OVER THIS ***** GOLD BARS IM GONNA DROP IT ON YOU LIKE CHAPO PUT 15 BILLION INTO 1…. 15 BILLION THATS POCKET CHANGE ***** I **** ON THEM HOES ******* NEED A GUN TO  STOP ME I DARE YOU LOOK UP ARIZONA ALIEN ATTACK ON YOUTUBE THEY EMPLODE ***** WHEN I GO… IM GOING OFF HARDER THAN ANY EXPLOSION EVER SEEN… THIS IS LITERALLY MY WORLD MY EARTH YOU ARE OF ME AN BY ME YOU GET HIGH FROM ME YOU EAT BECAUSE I LET YOU …….

I WANT MY CASH I WANT MY COUNTIES I WANT MY STATES I WANT MY CONSTITUTION I KNOW MY RIGHTS YOU PAYED THE INDIANS NOW PAY ME I WANT IT ALL BACK NOT LATER NOT AFTER THIS NOT AFTER THAT NAH WE TAKING IT RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW MOTHER ******* IM GONNA ERASE YOU …. IM ******* EVERYONE WITH ACID UNTIL THIS STOPS AN I GET WHAT IS MINE NOONE SAFE NOONE IM SPAZZING…
YOU THINK PABLO WAS SCARY???
YOU EVER HAD A FINGER CHOPPED OFF? WHAT ABOUT A HAND? KINDA GROSS RIGHT?
YOU DESERVE IT ***** YOUR FUTURE PRESENT AN PAST ARE A PRESENTATION OF WHAT I BUILT
NEW MONEY IS FAKE MONEY AN ALL OLD MONEY IS CORRUPT…

I AM GOING TO DROP ON YOU LIKE CHRIST
DO YOU HEAR ME??? I HAVE RISEN…….
I WILL BE PRAISED I WILL BE IN A NEW BIBLE AN I WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL YOURE CONVICTED OR DEAD AN FAMILY DEAD AS WELL OR IN REPENT THIS WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS ******
-****** I TELL YOU,… YOU HAVE MY CURE AN WONT EVEN GIVE IT TO ME YOU TREAT ME LIKE A ******* AN WILL NEVER HAVE OR AMOUNT TO NOTHING….

I BUILT THIS WITH A SHOVEL AN THAT BIGASS HOLE I DUG IMMA BURY YOU AN ALL YOUR ****** IN IT

I'm not sure
Maybe we are all just growing up
Or growing down
I can see circular yellow lights
Behind my blinds
And I came home a little depressed
Just none of it's the same.

I don't expect it to be
But it's just all such an uphill constant climb
My girlfriends here don't know how to talk to me
And I feel an anxiety when I spend time with them
Because they just don't get me
In a certain way

And it's tough right now
The world is evolving
I told my boyfriend my ideas are being made before I get to them
Everyone knows the market is changing

Here's how.

The left part of my head
Has been spazzing
Not enough sleep or rest
And I feel like I can't really complain
Because I'm just an ******* if I do
But ****.

I get to work
In my hours of what's supposed to be alone time
And it's not so much just a hyper focus
To the point I can't listen to those I love any longer

It's just that if I don't do it
It will never get done.

I'm so sick of everything meaning something
But no one says anything
Or if they do it's with such analytical eyes
All of them. All of them.
Wish I could
Just turn off my mind.

I'm really not sure
And the night was filled with lots of color
But she thought she could be honest
And tell me how much better looking than my boyfriend I am
And I'm not gonna be any less of her friend
But I told her that would be the thing
No matter what the thing
And we laughed
We did
But after
It made me sorta sad
I don't know why it's so hard sometimes
To try and just really feel content.

But
There is always a but
I do feel a little attacked these days
More on my guard
I think I'm just so tired
But I procrastinate on sleep

But I can't complain
Because so is everyone.

Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to pass
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?
Cross My Heart
Cross my heart and fully hope to die,
Everything about me is a lie.
We can teach one another how to soar high,
But everything you know about me is a lie.
Cross my heart… The real truth…
All I ever wanted was somebody to love me
All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free
I don’t need or even want any of this stuff
I don’t need to do or say crazy things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last
And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing
My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture
I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know
I only act because it hurts way too much to think
I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose
I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be
Cross my heart… The real truth…
On God’s name, I swear it
I am not the person you think I am,
I’m a rock in that person’s shadow
And soon to be a rock in your show
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I cross my heart and hope to die,
These words are more of the real me
Than I have ever let you actually see
I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:
This is the truth, and it will **** me.
My Story
She bled to death in my arms
When I woke up that morning
I just knew...
This is the day we lose her...
So I jumped out my window
And I ran, ran to her house
But I was too late
The moment before I opened the bathroom door...
It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt
My heart beat up my gut
And twisted and shook,
Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow
I didn't there to be a tomorrow,
Didn't want there to be a today
But I opened the door anyway
And there she was
In a pool of her own blood
Wrists turned up with dark marks
And her head was back, just rolling
Her eyes were still wide open
And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch
Agonizingly slow
And I just remember screaming......... screeeeeeeeeaming
She was agonizingly cold
So cold...
She was never perfectly still
I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists
Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul
And that's when her baby brother came in
And we were both on our knees,
Sobbing
He looked up at me and he said
"Why would she do something like this?"
What was I supposed to say
How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child
That I knew everything...
Everything
Every…  word
Every…  action
Every…  name
Every…  date
Every…  sc­ar
Every…  thought
Everything
I couldn't even speak to that boy
And he took that as an answer
So he kept his eyes on her not me
As I pulled her into my arms
And her as close as I possibly could
And I swear it was like she was hanging on
There was just the tiniest motion,
But it was real and she was there, I swear it
She squeezed my hand ever so faintly
Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have
And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there
To this day I don't know what went wrong
But, my god, did it ever
She must have had a seizure
It was like she was just spazzing
Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably
And her face.......
My god
I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face
But then it was over,
It was over
She flopped down one last time,
Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp
She was limp like a dead fish
And my heart held only panic
As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me
And I held her head to my chest
But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down
But  I held her hand s tight as I possibly could
I refused to let go
And her sweet baby brother...
He saw something in that image of us
So he begged me
"Don't ever let go
Because as long as you keep hanging on,
She will too"
And then we wound up getting her to a hospital
And this surgeon came running
But he soon stopped
He said to me
"This girl has about two minutes left to live
If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now"
And then he simply... abandoned us
But it didn't matter
Because I was on the ground
Both arms wrapped round my quaking body
My hand had slipped from hers
When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her
And I held her tight
Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips
I heard a delicate sigh
And then...
Nothing at all
No…  breath
No…  heartbeat
No…  light
No…  energy
No…  person­
She was... gone...
Risk
Darkness blinds me
Brightness scares me
I’m not known for my courage
But I’ll take my chances.
Green
I’m ice cold,
Fingers numb and trembling
Heart achy and quivering
Legs whipped to bright red rawness
Skin itching and covered in goosebumps
My whole body burning at the freezing point
My brain malfunctioning… buffering
And my whole existence defiled, left scarred.
If only I hadn’t been wearing green the night of the traffic light party.
Desperate
You are desperate,
More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be
And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour
So you pop a pill
But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need
Not nearly enough of a kick to save you
So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night
And then three, four
But then a small handful
(well as small as you can get; you forced yourself to squeeze some of the large handful back in the bottle)
And then six, eight
But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore
Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle
Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom
And four from seeing your friends
But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your…  situation
But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help
And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse
You only know a few things:
You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal
You are desperate.
Big Reputation
Big unwieldy reputation
Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.
TRUST
I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long just striving to breathe
And so I’ve managed to teach myself
Some people can’t be trusted
Can’t be trusted at all
I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting
So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.
I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks
And so I’ve managed to get good and things
Like running, and hiding,
Reading people and situations
I’m done letting myself hide from the light
So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust
Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.
No more fear and no more trust.
If I’m supposed to be a witch,
I will be a witch for them,
And however I want to,
I will show them what burning is.
Don’t Come For Me
I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Letting Go
You might think I’m still that sweet young girl
Sitting around, combing her hair, baking cookies
And waiting patiently for the blessing of your love.
But as usual, you’d be so wrong.
I’ve got a new man with me
And he’s actually by my side, giving me his hours.
He opens up his soul to me and he earns my heart.
So here’s to what we were, and cheers to you
Because staying is nice, but…
Letting go is an even nicer thing to do.
Letting each other go was the best thing we ever did
And severing all ties wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been
But I was done with how you gave love to the highest bid
And now I’ve got a brand new, golden lover in my linen.
Broken
Let me love you, her luscious lips whispered.
Let me leave you, her bedroom eyes bellowed.
Let me own you, she insinuated to me.
Let me run you.
Let me break you.
I should have listened.
I should have loved her.
Let
Me
Love
You.
"Are you drunk?"
She hangs up.
One Good Reason
Give me one good reason, any at all
Why killing the silence will work this time
Then I will give this world one more chance
To not hurt me when there is no silence to safeguard
I will **** the silence, just give me one good reason to try
Everytime I let someone in they cut even deeper than the time before
But if you give me a reason to **** of the sacred safety of the silence I will try
I will try to trust, to have hope, to let go of all the hurt from the past, to move on
I just need one good reason why I shouldn’t remain tucked in the embrace of silence
And i will venture back out into the world with arms wide open and the door to my heart unlocked
Give me a reason to **** silence.
Eyes Roaming
Eyes roaming the room of riches
Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air
Eyes roaming round and round and round
Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel
Eyes roaming round the room of riches
Like someone getting ready for a takedown
And those took me down.
In That Moment…
Summer’s sweet sensuality slipped us a cocktail
Of “you’re my soulmate” and “you can fix me”.
Some flirty to spice it up,
Some **** to make it addicting,
And a gallon of all-consuming connectivity.
It took one moment for your heart
To be superimposed over mine, and vice versa.
It took one moment for you to forget all but me
And for my mind to forget I was ever alone.
It took one moment for us to find love.
Our eyes met
And in that gaze we held each other
Until that moment became a lifetime.
We talked for eighteen hours straight
Until that moment was our whole lifetime.
And you don’t even have to try to be perfect for me
Cause I don’t even have to hide any of me from your love
We fit seamlessly together, our flaws tying up each other’s loose ends
My dreams and your hopes, they complete the future that is our destiny
But I’m far too caught up in our moments to really know, ain’t that right?
You
I want to know you like the path to the Heavens that pulls me toward all things good and bright
I want to feel you like the kind of passion that burns and devours soul after soul in all-consuming fire
I want to touch you like these shaking fingers have never experienced anything from your world
I want to hold you like that breath that will remain with me even when it’s long gone like you
I want to have you like we can make ourselves believe there is nothing to life but you and me
I want to breathe you like my lungs are giving out but holding on all at once
I want to do you like a narcotic I’ll overdose on before anyone even knows I’m over my head
I want to love you in that indescribable way everyone calls ‘true’, a way I’ve never known love before
I want you.
Too Fast
You became my everything
Only you did it way too fast
And now the world is in chaos mode
Because I’m not used to being in love
And I don’t know how to be yours the way I want to be
I don’t know where the boundaries are, how to know…
The only certainty is that I love you,
And even Romeo and Juliet had that
But I don’t want us to be anything like them,
I want to keep you and cherish you forever
I’d hate letting you or our love slip out through my fingertips
The thing is, I’m not used to having a love a could hold
This all happened so fast, way too fast for me to even understand
Can you understand all this?
Here’s to our love thriving like this for a whole lifetime,
But even more importantly,
Here’s to us understanding the care and keeping of true love.
Spotlight
Put a spotlight on me,
Let it slide slow, down my skin.
You can have me for free,
If you let the show sink in.
I can dance for you, honey,
Put a spotlight on me.
You make all my days sunny,
So I can set you free.
If you’re ready to live to the fullest and be fulfilled,
I’m ready to satisfy your cravings like chocolate.
All you have to do is tell me: real raw or finely milled?
Give the word and you’ll have me stipped down to just my locket.
Put a spotlight on me,
And I’ll put a spotlight on you.
Give you whole heart to me,
And I’ll give my whole heart to you.
Our World
The diamond ring on my left hand
Sparkles when the light touches it;
And I didn’t think that anything
Could make me this happy.
But the diamonds glisten,
And in fact I know happiness
Like I have never felt before.
It’s like my past with all is crazy troubles
Doesn’t even matter anymore.
There is only the future,
And no longer is that future only me.
Now that a simple diamond is resting with me
It feels as if nothing could be wrong in our world.
How We Celebrated Christmas
On the morning of the 26th
He drove me to the beach
So we watched the sunrise over the sea
Then he treated me to breakfast
And took me shopping at all my favorite stores that are still open
Then we walked around and smelled the scents of the beach town
We finally got to the bay just in time for the sunset
Which is where we took romantic pictures
And- maybe the best part-
He took me to favorite restaurant,
When I asked him how he knew about it
He said he’d gone back three years of insta posts to find it
But he didn’t let me get dessert
Instead he took me to our favorite fudge place
Which was where he’d customized my perfect fudge for me and bought three pounds
And because he’d been taking me places all day
All I could think was
TAKE MEE
When we woke up the next morning,
He had a mischi

My Story
She bled to death in my arms
When I woke up that morning
I just knew...
This is the day we lose her...
So I jumped out my window
And I ran, ran to her house
But I was too late
The moment before I opened the bathroom door...
It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt
My heart beat up my gut
And twisted and shook,
Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow
I didn't there to be a tomorrow,
Didn't want there to be a today
But I opened the door anyway
And there she was
In a pool of her own blood
Wrists turned up with dark marks
And her head was back, just rolling
Her eyes were still wide open
And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch
Agonizingly slow
And I just remember screaming......... screeeeeeeeeaming
She was agonizingly cold… So cold...
She was never perfectly still
I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists
Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul
And that's when her baby brother came in
And we were both on our knees, Sobbing
He looked up at me and he said
"Why would she do something like this?"
What was I supposed to say
How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child
That I knew everything...
Everything
Every…  word
Every…  action
Every…  name
Every…  date
Every…  sc­ar
Every…  thought
Everything
I couldn't even speak to that boy
And he took that as an answer
So he kept his eyes on her not me
As I pulled her into my arms
And her as close as I possibly could
And I swear it was like she was hanging on
There was just the tiniest motion,
But it was real and she was there, I swear it
She squeezed my hand ever so faintly
Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have
And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there
To this day I don't know what went wrong
But, my god, did it ever
She must have had a seizure
It was like she was just spazzing
Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably
And her face....... My god
I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face
But then it was over,
It was over
She flopped down one last time,
Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp
She was limp like a dead fish
And my heart held only panic
As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me
And I held her head to my chest
But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down
But  I held her hand s tight as I possibly could
I refused to let go
And her sweet baby brother...
He saw something in that image of us
So he begged me
"Don't ever let go
Because as long as you keep hanging on,
She will too"
Then we wound up getting her to a hospital
And this surgeon came running… But he soon stopped
He said to me
"This girl has about two minutes left to live
If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now"
And then he simply... abandoned us
But it didn't matter
Because I was on the ground
Both arms wrapped round my quaking body
My hand had slipped from hers
When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her
And I held her tight
Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips
I heard a delicate sigh
And then...
Nothing at all
No…  breath
No…  heartbeat
No…  light
No…  energy
No…  person­
She was... gone…
Luna
You were growing inside of me,
Your existence blossoming from dreams, joys, and love.
You were keeping me alive yet,
Your heartbeat giving mine the will not to stop
You were the very best part of me,
The vanguard of my existence,
My greatest achievement,
The controller of my heart,
The sunlit rainbow of my hurricane
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You died a death that shook my earth
And drove my heart to a flaming agony
Luna my sweet
Luna, the angelic
Luna, the purest of love
Luna, beautiful and sweet and smart like your mother
Luna, brave and caring and strong like your mother
The only thought on my mind
The only hope in my heart
The only dream in my soul
The only wish on my tongue
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You were a secret I kept
But the thought of you made me scream with pride.
You were for me and me alone
But I loved you enough to fill up the world.
Land of Loneliness / Confessional
I feel so lonely
Breathing in this land of despair
There are so many things I want to try
So many places I still must explore
But I cannot do that if I must focus
On healing an empty and pained heart
And how can I heal in this land of despair
…..
This is a land of loneliness
Where no heart can find solace
Through a lifetime of seeking
This is a land of contempt
Where no hope can be seen
Though I continue trying to fight
This is a land of loneliness
Where all minds are rotten
Though love may still come.
…..
This land, in its barren darkness,
Has become a confessional
So here goes, I wish and pray
Confession number one:
I cut myself.
You’d never know,
As one of the reasons behind my choice of body part
Is that no one can see it,
But I frequently take a knife to my skin
And slash away.
I might be addicted to that feeling,
But you could never understand if you’ve never self-harmed.
Confession number two:
I hear voices in nature.
The trees in my backyard talk to me
More than most people do,
Whispering dark things
Straight into my deepest mind
The trees all around tell me things
About how I will commit suicide,
And when, and why, and on and on
They simply will not stop
And why would they?
Confession number three:
I am in love
With the ghost of a dream
Perhaps I needed someone
So desperately that my survival instinct created someone
Perhaps I got so ******* tired of my constant loneliness
That I made myself someone who wouldn’t leave my side.
But there is a ghost who loves me
And I love my ghost.
Confession number four:
I have attempted to commit suicide several times
Most days I feel I’m hanging on by a thread-
One person I can’t leave quite yet,
One reason not to do it right here, right now,
One last event to keep holding on for.
But each and every day I work towards feeling better
Each and every day I desperately want to **** myself
And each day that I fail in getting better
Furthers the cycle I can never escape.
Confession number five:
I pretend to be happy,
But the people who are supposed to care about me
Never act like they do.
Well, they care about if I do the dishes when I’m supposed to
Or I’ve been studying hard enough
Rather than if I’ve tried to commit suicide this week
Or if I cut myself today.
They worsen the problem so often I feel like I can’t breathe
And they are so many of my other problems.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find happiness here.
But perhaps you might absorb some comfort.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find peace here.
But perhaps you might lighten your burden.