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Jun 2014
I wrote this soon after I had a panic attack at a party. I am a person that sometimes I can live and genuinely give no ***** about anything - myself included. But sometimes my thoughts would **** me all at once and I would have panic attacks. This is what happened and when I think of this day, I think of how scared and sad I was. I always let the love my sister showed me overshadow the fear because no, love didn't cure me, but it taught me. It showed me where to channel my value and that it's okay to show weakness to people that love you enough to be strong for you when you can't do it alone.

1 – The act itself is embarrassing enough;
         spazzing out,
         rocking in place,
         tears on your cheeks,
         heavy, uneven breathing,
         face so pale they almost call an ambulance

2 – Now they've seen you at your weakest; your lowest low
And you can't undo it, you just hope it ends soon – then you freak out more, because you still can't breathe

3 – They know now, that you actually do care. And when you try to feign indifference in the future – if you don’t die on this nasty floor tonight – they'll know it's fake
     They have that power; that knowledge that they can do something to effect you
      That literally leaves you shaking

4 – When you finally start to breathe again
They ask what happened and are you okay and does this happen often
      you can't even talk,
         because of the panic attack itself,
         your effort to not mess up your breathing again,
         your shock that people know that you can be shattered,
         your ability to come back to reality is completely ******,
and you just take in your surroundings,
  counting how many people saw, not meeting their eyes

5 – When you finally come to, and realize that it's not a nightmare, it's your life, you just sit there and shake – with your head between your knees, silent tears mix with the ones from your fear of dying, your hands hug your knees, so that no one sees then tremble

6 – You try to zone out what the people are saying around you, suddenly realizing  *just
how many people witnessed your breaking point,
but it's hard when they don't even try to be subtle

7 – When someone offers you a glass of water, you wipe your face on your knees, trying not to be totally obvious, but when you grab the cup, your hands shake so much that most of the water ends up in your lap

8 – You sip your water, choking from your dry throat, but not coughing so that they don't stare even more

9 – Every sound is at a max volume, but in a tunnel
You hear them laugh, some tsk with pity, others try to steer the conversation to something else,
    out of kindness or selfishness, you'll never know, don't really care

10 – When you feel okay enough to stand, you finally look up, trying not to stare, but trying to remember all who saw
       In your head, you're embarrassed, but you don’t feel your cheeks heat
          Probably because you barely even have enough energy to breathe

11 – When you meet their eyes, most are filled with pity and sympathy, you look away quickly, your breathing already accelerated, moving on to the next set of eyes

12 – You come across eyes that looks taunting, paired with a knowing smirk
You square your shoulders as best you can, take a deep breath, telling yourself
              I may be weak in the anxiety- sense, but they’re weak minded in every sense

13 – You see some with understanding, you do a double take, sure that your mind is fooling you, but sure enough, they're oozing pity, but also empathy
You stare longer, but they turn away.

14 - You see another with anger, guess I ruined their night too, quickly passing them

15 – In your head, you chaste yourself for even looking into their eyes
        You knew what would be there, but you looked anyway
              Isn't that what got you into this position in the first place?

16 – You head for the exit, the attention seemingly off of you
You turn the door **** and step outside, walk to the road, finally finding your car
You get behind the wheel and realize your hands are still shaking, your breathing is uneven, you still haven't spoken, and your vision isn't only clouded, it's closing in with black dots

17 – You realize you've been hold your breath, so you drag in a strained breath, and your head falls to the stewarding wheel
      You don't move, but you realize that you can't drive
          You shouldn't drive

18 – Your sister pops into your head first, so you call her
Your voice quivers in the phone, but she doesn't ask many questions;
    Just where and an okay

19 – She finds you and puts you in her car, but you don't really remember doing that
   She blasts the heat and heads home
     You stay quiet, too embarrassed to even say thank you.
        You hang your head and close your eyes.

20 – You get home; she holds your elbow as you walk inside because you’re wobbly
You lay on the couch, tears all dried now, but the persistent lump in your throat is still there
She brings you mint chocolate chip ice cream – your favorite
She doesn't talk as you both dig in
   You finally look up at her, wanting to say thank you, but the lump won’t let you

21 – She doesn't look at you with understanding, anger, or pity, sympathy, or annoyance – nothing like the eyes before
She looks at you, same as she did the day before;
love with a hint of tiredness around the edges,
    but not tiredness at you, at the god awful hour and day of the week

22 – You try to smile, but it probably looks like a seizure is happening on your mouth
She doesn't laugh at you
   Just reaches over, tugs on a piece of your hair and says, "you're hair looks pretty. Wanna watch Tom & Jerry?"

23 – You breathe
If I always have my sister, mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, and Tom & Jerry, I'll always be okay.
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