Platonic Love Song

The wind in our hair as our lungs work
Screaming out the lyrics to a teenage summer
As we drive free, racing, to the waves and mountains
Lights in our eyes and hands over hearts
Youthful yearning fills us, as we get caught chasing the sky

Her laughter fills my soul and she begins to dance
While she wraps her arms around me, safe
A fire blazes, but our smiles are what light up the night
We make the stars jealous, 
They beg for half of our shine

Embers and vapour fill the air, 
Hands trading drinks and smoke and care
Music floats and lyrics sink in
Lips trading stories and laughter and kisses
Engines start, stop, jump, and rumble

Her eyes gleam and shift, catching attention
Hypnotising and beautiful, 
They draw us in, keep us safe, and we ask to stay. 

Let yourself love your friends. Let yourself stay with them. 

She pumps music into our lives, her voice loud
We dance to the wild tempo of our heartbeats
Crass and catching, her voice settles in us

Let people in, even when it’s hard. Let yourself love them. 

She scrunches her face up and tosses in jokes,
Making us smile at any price, 
She helps us laugh the pain away. 

Let people love you back. 
I know it can be hard but...

She covers her smile with a hand, 
Else she’d blind us, but we’d be alright,
If that could be the last thing we see

If you aren’t in love with your friends, where is your absolution? 

She swings her hips and we get lost in her lips,
The gold on her skin, the brown in her eyes, 
Entrancing on a new level, and we exalt

If you aren’t in love with your friends, then something is wrong. 

She grabs our hands, reviving and vital, 
Her shoulders jump and so do we, she’s got us on our feet
Her energy is infections, makes us forget imperfection. 

If you aren’t in love with your friends, where are you spending your time? 

Existing in a different state, but in the same hearts, 
And we are all staring at the same jealous stars. 
She feels like a home you’ve never been too. 

If you aren’t in love with your friends, then you’re not doing it right. 

Because for me, they define ride or die, 
The first loves of my life, they mean open
Open arms, open homes, open hearts
They are coffee in the cold and make up in the night, 
Empowerment in the dark and hope in the now. 

Love isn’t just for spouses and partners, 
  Love is for those who you know with your heart, 
Who’s soul touched yours, and said, 
“Hey, it’s been a while. I missed you.” 
And if you haven’t felt that yet then I’m sorry, 

But don’t worry, you’ll find them. 

And when you do, it will be like coming home. 

And you’ll know.

Well, she looks like a witch,
Her pointed nose does twitch.
As she frowns upon the grocery list,
Then scrunches in a timely twist.

Bidding her straw broom,
Which she doth groom.
Hovers away into the gloom,
Over a pond she doth loom.

To frogs, rats, snakes and slime,
Quoth she, "All in good time!!"
Soon they'll be no room,
For the impending doom.

Her cauldron happily hissing,
As she adds to the seething,
Her black cat begins meowing,
After the rats, he begins running.

Slowly cooling the putrid portion,
She applies the lovely lotion.
The moles, warts and silver hair,
Disappear into thin air.

Her velvet apparel now lace,
Not a blemish does one trace.
Fondling her silky Siamese,
She heads home with ease.

To the little candy castle,
Awaiting Hansel and Gretel.

"What's the worst feeling you've ever experienced", she stared at her.

The girl cracks a smile and pulls back her caramel black hair, "My name is Kay by the way. It's not short for anything"

The girl blushes and puts her head down, "I'm sorry my manners seem to have disappeared. It's just that I've always wanted to have a serious intimate conversation with a stranger", she sighs.

Kay ***** her head and bites her lower lip. Looking at the beautiful girl with grey eyes. "Don't tell me your name then. Let's have that talk. I'll call you grey", Kay smiles exposing her pearly whites.
"I don't know what the worst feeling I've ever experienced could be really. I mean can we really compare each experience with the other?" Kay stares at the blue black sky.
"Each experience is traumatizing so can we really compare every traumatizing one with the other? Like they were all traumatizing but different from each they can't be compared", she closes her eyes as she allows the Sun rays to warm her face.

The girl looks at Kay admiring her carefree persona. She had some sort of atmosphere. It made the girl want to know her more, make her laugh and protect her? She furrowed her eyebrows and began to study her.
Kay had thin yet slightly full pink lips, she had a scar similar to Harry Potter which made her smile. She had an English nose and slightly pointy yet round ears. Kay opened her eyes and smirked. The girl lost her breath as she noticed Kay's honey eyes and began to clear her throat, "I uh I think unrequited love has to hurt the most", she bows her head.

Kay furrows her eyebrows in confusion, "How so?"

The girl scratches the back of her head, "We fall for someone and we love them with every bit of ourselves. In that process we lose ourselves by loving them but we gain parts of them from their love. However when the feeling can't be returned. We lose ourselves to someone who can't bear to lose themselves to us because they don't see us in that way. And it hurts because you know it yet you can't stop" she sighs.

"You can't stop loving that person. Loving them for all their wrongs and all their rights. For them simply being who they are. And sometimes you watch that very same person fall in love with someone else. And that part stings the most", she bows her head and clenches her fists.

"You wonder why not me. Why not fall in love with me", her voice breaks.

Kay looks at the girl with grey eyes intently and sighs. "You're really beautiful Grey", she immediately locks eyes with her and gives her a tight smile. "The truth about unrequited love is that there's always a third party you never know about. There's always that one person who watches you fall in love with someone that's not them. And to top it all off. The person you're in love with won't reciprocate your feelings. And it hurts. Watching the one you love, love someone else who isn't able to love them back. Talk about double unrequited love", she laughs.

"But then again there's this theory about unrequited love", her smile widens.
The girl with grey eyes furrows her eyebrows and scrunches her nose, "There is?". Kay giggles, causing goosebumps to show on Grey.
"No love is lost Grey", Kay stands up. Dusts her skin tight ripped black jeans.
"It's not unrequited forever", she gives Grey one last smile, exposing her pearly whites and dimples.

The moon is high and bright tonight
Quietly lighting the earth around me.
My skin scrunches together
As a chilly breeze steals warmth from me
The only sound heard
Comes from the invertebrates in the trees
And the closest heartbeat is a mile away
But there is something out here
It is a creature; a creature of habit
Always hunting only those who are solo
It is a sly creature
Creeping up on its prey silently
It will drain every drop of happiness
All dreams, all plans, all loves
Will fade away from the victim
Slowly the numbness absorbs me
And I do nothing to hinder its progress
Soon I am consumed in the cold darkness
I know this creature
This creature is loneliness

There are pictures of naked bodies
Bouncing from one cell tower to a different cell tower.
We live in a world where technology allows us
To see each other’s bodies long before we ever
Climb under blankets and have the privilege
Of exploring one’s anatomy in the comfort of the dark
Instead of through the mirror of a small bathroom
Where if you’re lucky, she might have included her face.
It’s too bad the boy or girl she sends it to still won’t know
The color of her eyes or that she scrunches her nose
When she’s mad or that she has the deepest dimples when she laughs.
Your body is more than just a screenshot that the receiver will take.
It’s more than ******* in the extra bit of sand
Inside the hour glass of your flesh covered skeleton.
It’s more than standing a little taller, arching your back
So that the cage of ribs protecting your heart show through
The lens of the camera.
Your body is more than turning to the left, then turning to the right
Because you’re trying to find an angle that makes you seem even thinner.
There are boys who only know how to love you as they hold their phone
With your picture in their eyes and their hand touching their own body
When they could be touching yours.
Do not allow a boy to love you through a picture because if a real man
Wants to love you, he won’t ask to see your naked anatomy before
First seeing your face and knowing that your eyes are blue,
That when you laugh, your dimples grow as deep as the Grand Canyon.
Do not allow yourself to let a boy love you through a picture that’s
Bounced from one cell tower to a different cell tower.

a chemical cocktail spills from your lips
your tongue drips pure moonshine
table varnish leaks on the floor
i've been polishing for hours
can't get it clean, can't get clean
i scrub harder until my skin is red
and blood blemishes the rug nearby
my friends are the beams of sun
that show ashes in the air
i don't want to breathe it any more
i feel it scrape inside my lungs
wanting to get out and escape
white powder, lines of dust
and little pills that keep me sedated
my nose scrunches at the smell
of strong ozone and the taste
of metal forming in my mouth
while ironing out radiation particles
wondering where it all went so wrong

Cacaw cacaw
sing the sparrows
to her tiny china toes
the shadows criss-cross
the cherry hardwood
like a board of tic-tac-toe
tick-tock! the phoenix
rises from her coffeepot
tickling her freckled nose

she scrunches her forehead
into a fan and pats her alarm
good morning!
ambles to the sparrows
sighs out the exhaust
and breathes it right back in

another day
another sheet in the reams of paper
of people
she purses her lips
into a folded envelope
seals it with a kiss
and slips it out the window

wonders if today
she'll be the one
lost in the mail

Her breath catches. she turns over. it doesn't matter, no matter what she does, she won't sleep. that itch is there.
she lies on the flat of her back, staring at the colours swirling on the ceiling with the shadows dancing with them. she starts thinking about him again. the way his hair curls at the end, the way it moves when the wind blows around, the way his face scrunches up in amusement, the way he holds himself, how he leans in when he speaks, his lips, his face, his eyes...she lets her mind wander...aswell as her hand...
her breath catches again, but for an entirely different reason.
setting a steady pace she drives herself insane, physically with resistance and mentally with reminders of who she can't have.
two years gone and she still can't stop. she loves him. everything about him, the air around him, even. she adores him and it's killing her.
her legs widen to accomadate her rising arousal, a low moan grows in the back of her throat, pushing her forward making her desire vocal, unlike the love that has crushed her heart over and over, again and again, she can't stand it anymore.
her speed increases and she breaks a sweat. she's crying now, thinking about the rehashed fantasy she built in her brain. how she'd loose herself to him, give him eveything, let him take her to places shes never been before. She cries because she knows it'll never be so, all she'll have is her own little bed and her own hand for company, no strong arms to hold her as she falls asleep, no sweet lips to kiss goodnight, no growing passion pushing into her ever so warmly.
suddenly she bucks, screams out in pain and passion, and curls in a ball to live through the aftershocks and the screaming agony her heart holds, she pretends he's holding her and slowly falls asleep.

It's a tale as old as time,
Like a fine wine that's aged.
Getting more bitter, rather than sweeter.

I look in the mirror. My reflections stares back at me.
The edges blur and fizzle, waiting to reveal, to see.
The face in the mirror resembles my face, only less clear.
Instead she looks at me, eyes wide with fear.
She snarls her nose, growls and hisses.
I look back, in time, she reminisces.
About the days we would share the same face.
About a time, we lived in the same place.

Now she shouts, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I scream, she continues to haunt.
Why don't you like me? What's so wrong?
YOU ARE WEAK, I SHOULD BE STRONG.

I look away, count to three.
Ground my feet, think of me.
I am not weak.
I look at her again. I am NOT weak,
I say with a look so bleak.
YOU ARE she judges,
JUST LOOK AT YOU, she begrudges.

I bite my nail, look away again.
I try to hide the pain.
The girl in the reflection laughs and chortles
YOOU ARE FEEBLE, just like all mortals.

I AM NOT! I scream. I AM ME AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY?
THAT I AM JUST SOMEBODIES PRAY?
But look at you, getting defensive against your own reflection
You could say it's merely a deflection,
Of your self worth
You might as well be a still birth.
You bring no value to this world.
She spits the words, lips curled.
I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU TOO.
OH BOOHOO POOR ME POOR YOU.

I collapse on the floor,
I can't take much more.
What will the next face bring?
I rise from the abyss,
I can barely withstand this.

The next face is kinder.
Another meek body behind her.
Who are you?
I ask askew.
I am you, and you are me.
Let me show you what I can see.
I see a person whose been through a lot.
Every-time they get back up, down they are shot.

I nod cautiously, is this a trick?
Quickly she'll be coming back, I'll be quick.
There's many faces that you can see,
Be it you, us or me.
I understand the torture you hold inside,
Let it go, be free, we want to take your side.
But how? I cry, tears falling of my cheek.
Keep going slowly, week, by week.
I nod slowly, I cry a lot more.
My arms are shaking my throat is sore.
I can't keep fighting, the monster in my mirror.
Every day she keeps coming nearer.

That's okay, you will see.
One of these days you will be me.
And the little girl hiding behind you?
It's another face of you know who.
I shakily nod, and enquire,
Why she's hiding, as if about to transpire.
She's hiding from the face in the mirror.
Just like you, it's becoming clearer.
We don't like what we can see.
I don't like it anymore please believe me.
I know, I know, my reflection says.
But please let it be just a haze.
The girl in the mirror stood before you.
You can choose what she does do.
It's a hard rope to walk, and I walk it well.
I know it's hard, for you to tell,
But you have a choice, a voice, a speech and sound.
It's hard when she's screaming, I feel drowned.
Shush now, it will be alright.
I can't keep fighting this ****** fight.
I feel so tired, exhausted and spent.
I know, I'm sorry but it's time we both went.

I stare at my reflection. She stares back at me.
Eyes brown, hair soft, no expression to see.
She doesn't blink. I don't too.
We are now the only two.
Blankly looking out at me.
Wishing that we both were free.
Who are you? I mouth at her,
She copies me with silence despair.
I don't know and **** my head.
She does too, heavy as lead.
I'm so drained, she echoes my words.
Is she mocking me, like mocking birds.
She scrunches her nose, as do I.
We nod to each other and say good bye.

I avoid the mirror the next day or two.
Hiding from the reflection, keeping out of view.

There are some things I did not know.        

I did not know you could sit in a room with someone and miss them. Miss them because they just don't quite speak to you how they used to and you realise, this is it. This is where he starts to cut me out.
All of this provokes an old, intense and overwhelming need to study every detail of their face and commit to memory, all without being caught.
    
 I did not know you could love the shade of someone's skin in a particular colour t-shirt      
Try to keep it in. Repressing smiles? Well, life could be worse, couldn't it. But wow, I wish I could un-invent all the colours in the world just so he had to wear that colour constantly.

I did not know you could become obsessed with the way someone scrunches up their pinky finger when they play guitar, and scrunches up their nose when they hit the high notes    
And wow, isn't it just the cutest thing. That is an image of absolute peace. You in your favourite place, because all you need is the guitar. All I need is you to have the guitar. I swear, I could stay here forever.      Sing me into old age.

I did not know you could develop a passion for tea, because he likes it too and I'll drink it excessively because it reminds me of you. I confess, I would always give you a little extra sugar and you said my tea is the best.

I did not know I could wake up so blissfully in your bed sheets as that trademark cup of tea stands purposefully on the edge of the bed  
And Lord, did you create this boy with the purpose of melting my heart? I can't tell you how many awful nights sleep have been erased because the beautiful boy with the tea is there when my eyes open. Maybe I'll pretend to fall asleep often, to recreate the moment.

I did not know I have recorded your smell to memory until the smell with a different face passed me and all I could see was you. Because I noticed the smell first and I was looking around for you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I guess this aromatic ghost constantly haunts me.

I did not know I could constantly feel queasy before I see you, though it was nearly everyday. Crippling butterflies. The worse bit about those, is you have to pretend they're not there.

  I did not know I could be so protective over someone who is not even mine. I'd argue for you and fight for you and I'd be that one person you could always count as being on your side, but really...well, it won't make you love me, but it helps me to love you.  

I did not know I would grow to feed on your words and hang onto every single one that leaves your mouth. Sometimes you speak and I wish l could just take out a notebook because I never want to forget a thing. I'll sit and wait for your words or wait for you to sing.    Sing me into eternity.

  I did not know I could love the colour your cheeks go when you are hot. Your entire face is just warm. And that's another thing about you, you just radiate. Goodness, knowledge, wisdom, understanding. I can see it all bubbling under your skin. Your face is flushed and it's making mine burn too.  

I did not know I would ever know this much about you. I did not know we would ever be friends. You were a person I was merely aware of.  But you took that chance. You took a chance that saved a life. So I guess sometimes, breaking professionalism is worth it. Maybe. Was I worth it?

I did not know that I did not love before you, for before you I did not know what love was.

White snow covers the brittle branches
Of the sage brush beside them
The birds song of the Nevadan January is gone-
Not even the brisk wind moves this scene

Her car pushes through the stillness
Then the clicking of her engine stops.
Silence speaks again

Through clouded windows she hears him shouting phrases unknown
Then his stumbled pacing sounds nearer and nearer
He stops at the sight of her

Still sitting in the drivers seat she looks forward aimlessly
With a tug at the door handle she follows him into the road

He's looking at her eyes turn into faucets
longing for her to say something to break the silence
She's staring at the emptiness surrounding him

They almost meet eachothers gaze,
He tries to pull her in, she refuses
Then as the silence floods between them
She rushes into him

The brittle branches are nourished
By the tears that violently crash down
Grasping on to him,
She wills to always be held by him
And then he pulls her off

She tries to speak, but feathers fill her throat
Their eyes meet and search rapidly for secrets
His pupils swallow her face
With the shadow of the sun behind her,
she sees herself within his gaze
He asks her "What do you see"
And she looks into the car window beside her and croaks " Me. I'm Pathetic"
His reflection scrunches his eyes and brings his hand up to his ear
He begins to disappear

The silence surrounds them once more
And she turns around and looks into his eyes one last time
And sees two tears racing to the ground

He scrunches his eyelids.
Peers through the half-closed curtains,
Which cover those big eyes with a color that has yet to be named,
At the bright light of lovely advancement
That connects him to me.
He's sleep stubborn.
Refuses to cave.
Until those curtains close themselves,
Until only sporadically does the bright light seem to shine.
Lit up with my awake little talks,
While he tries his very best to hide his sleepy eyes.
But he can't.
I know it, I do.
Even from behind those distanced bright screens of ours,
I can feel those sleepy eyes closing.
And the countdown begins.
Until I receive the message that tells me what I already knew.
He's sleep stubborn.
And that's something he never wants to admit to.

In the darkness
I find my way to a chair,
worn cushion,
and splintering.
The uncovered nails dig into the back of my calf.

Theres a click and a bright light that shines on a desk.
I squint.

There is a man sitting in front of me.
Bloated,
wrinkled,
and silver haired.
His swollen sausage fingers with yellowed chipped nails
are neatly knitted together on the table beside his coffee.
His teeth are yellow too.
Jagged and crooked beneath his cracking lips
and sunken deep into his skull,
just as his eyes are
like a bear in a cave,
deep brown,
warm,
but fierce and strong
staring at me.

I shift uncomfortably in the chair
as he sips his coffee from a styrofoam cup.
I notice it may too bitter for his taste.
He scrunches his nose,
which wrinkles his forehead,
his eyebrows tangle in the middle.

Time passes by. I adjust to the lighting and find a somewhat comfy spot in the chair.
Then I become uncomfortable in ways that can't be settled.

His mouth opened,
white tongue rolls out
a stale breath flows out
with his thick heavy gargled words.
I nearly choked
for the small enclosed room had little ventilation.

He questioned me
of who I was,
what I've done,
what will I do.
His words surrounded me,
stared down on my small little body.
I tried to hide behind my long black hair
but I know my green eyes glowed through the gaps.
I could not hide
who I was,
what I've been through,
my unpredictableness.
It reeked through my pores
and danced with mischief in my eyes.
My tears streamed
and his words did not pause.
He wouldn't stop until I responded.
And eventually I muttered out,
*"I will never stop."

I’m next to you
Breathing,
Holding,
Kissing,
Caressing,
You.
Forehead to forehead,
Pupil to pupil,
Lost in your fickle irises,
And mine roll back
When I find myself in your smile,
And I sigh
Content,
At peace
With you.

But my face scrunches.
War breaks out in the creases of my eyes,
In the angle of my frown
As I dwell on your imminent departure
And reject the time between then
And the time we can snuggle like this forever.

Your nose scrunches up in normal conversation. It makes you look a little bit like a piglet.
Trust me, that may sound like a backhanded compliment, but it's adorable.

When you yawn, you sound like you want to cry.
Nothing freer than you transposing your tears for the sake of singing sad songs,
To Children you've never met, as if you've never slept.
We're both a little too sure about what we eat, and
The times you sit on your hands are the days when your guts moan...

[Others would call these imperfections, but the little things are always the best parts...
Birds flapping their wings (hollow arm-bones)
Tree-roots burrow and anchor (lungs)
Grass pets your eyes]

Always busy, the words form on the tip of our toes, everything I say
Is written with our silhouettes.
Outlines pigment the natural world...
Like a horror-show,
Hallways stretch for hours
(I can not currently see out this window).

Your open sockets spill waterfalls of true understanding from a crimson sunset of genius scars,
Like open wounds of the best silence, only the sound of teeth clashing
Between stretching lips
You hook your palms into my cheeks, bones creak
Gazes reflecting thoughts, unity in unmerited shame,
Our legs conversing softly, hair intertwined (snakes on our necks), and all night...
I keep playing a triplet between your ribs
A simple arpeggio archway under moans from dead skin in light,
I hold you by the red skin, carve you, for just one moment
Until we're living art. Skin static, roots spreading wings.

No expiration date for us, just a point when our bodies no longer parallel
But after that, we speak in clouds
We paint murals for each other in abandoned city parking lots
Or empty train halls.
The moon is our vanishing point,
All eyes on craters.

My language is something undiscovered to me,
I don't know if I want to let all these words go.
You mean Reincarnation to me,
Some jaw of life, some whale's mouth.
I am snow.

Everything loses focus but the stars...

Like teenagers.

The veiny, tan arm of the male nurse, rests too long on Sam's shoulder.
I stand outside of the door's frame until the ******* gives me an
"uh--", loosens his cords with a saliva hack, nods
and brushes past me on his way out.

Sam looks like she found herself on the receiving end
of a riot at the gates of hell.

I take one last suckoff from my fast food straw, making that
obnoxious vacuum noise.
Sam's navy blue lids flutter, open, she connects.
"Oh -- hey, man. How's it goin'?" she asks taken aback.

"Not too bad, lady."

"Why are you dressed so nice?"

"Um, I--uh just got back," exhale, "from your mom's thing."

"Gawd," her lids close tight, nose scrunches.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," the cliché sentiment bounces
off the ancient yellow walls with a awkward thud -- falls to the floor.

Soap opera dialogue from a microscopic, mounted television makes its presence known during a dense break in our conversation.

I sit down in the chair next to her hospital bed.

"What are you staring at?" she spits.

"Just you, you look so small."

"Hospital food tastes how funeral homes smell."

"How long have you been in here?"

"Closing in on two weeks. That's why it took
so long for them to bury Mom.
We were hoping I could come."

"Ahh, gotcha. Why are they keeping you?"

"A few of those internal ***** injuries that
get doctors in a tizzy. Was Gloria there?"

"Yeah. Yeah, her and her family."

"Stuff still weird with you guys?"

"There isn't 'stuff'."

She fidgets, "You know what I miss most about my mom?"

"What's that?"

"Anytime I was feeling like **** she would cradle me,
and kiss my forehead. Made ya feel safe you know?"

I get up, sit on the edge of her bed, wrap one arm cautiously around her.
"Is this okay?"

"Perfect."

I brush her extremely light, blonde hair into curtains around her forehead.
She closes her eyes as I kiss. Her hand grips my wrist tightly.

"All better?"

She grins slowly, "Maybe one more."

I bend down, she elevates before I can reach her brow,
snags the **** hanging about my neck, and crashes her lips
hard into mine.

She moves her lips desperately, ferociously --
clasping them tightly to mine.
My head starts to get light, my hand runs down her side.

"Ahhhem."

We quickly tear our stitched lips free.

Gloria walks out the door.

This morning I woke up smiling.
I kissed your cheeks.
Every tiny thing about you inspires me to write stanzas,
But who wants to read a poem entirely based on the way your face scrunches up in the shower, exposing your pearly whites while you grab loose strands of knots from the suds of conditioner
Or how in awe I am at the sight of the beautifully constructed transition of your chest to your neck and how I envision maroon little passions marks along it every time I stare at your throat vibrating when you speak, and your strong hands on my shoulders, hips, everything.
The way you smile seductively to get what you want and how I never thought you'd be that good at making my knees weak enough to buckle and bow down and give you every thing and every part of me I can muster up or hold in the palms of my tiny hands.
(I actually teared up today while looking at you but you don't know that because I was hogging the water and your eyes were closed.
For a moment I thought you must be the physical embodiment of the perfect human polykelitos wrote an entire novel and carved an entire bronze sculpture trying to create and bring to life.

-----

This morning I woke up and you were smiling. You kissed my cheeks. You told me you liked my cheeks. You gave me butterfly kisses and butterflies in my stomach and you left little maroon passion marks along my neck.

I don't think my body has ever felt more euphoric.
We fit together like Tetris.
Your body felt sacred.
Our passion was electric,
both of our souls pure and naked
just like the Greeks and then Romans painted.
Sometimes I feel like our love is geometric.

And I finally understand “purple mountain majesties,”
as I sit here on my perch.

And behind me: that woman with the white hair,
like sails of the boats in the bay, or wings of the swans in my mind,
red pocketbook;
red lips dripping with hope.

I think someone forgot her.

Or maybe she is content.
Maybe she sees the world’s majesties, too….

But her swiveling head tells me otherwise.

I ask if she has a pen to lend me.
Her eyes become glass
as her third eye scrunches into an asterisk:

“No, dear, I’m so sorry. I don’t….”

My teeth and tongue lick the air with sympathy:
“No worries, ma’am. Thank you.”

I slide back to my rock and ask the slivered moon for her company.
I feel regret that everybody leaves with the sun,
as if the show is over.
But with skies still blue,
and moon always dancing,
it has only just begun.

I sniff the cold in.
Vicinity barren;
If I were to fall, nobody would know.
I would slip beyond this world
and find an orchestra of
silence in the sea.

I sit here wondering where the birds go.

Turning my head right
vertigo lops me upside the head.
The waves have rocked my mind to the point where I feel
I might
actually
fall.

Somehow,
that would be alright.
Somehow,
I would be okay.

Because maybe then
I won’t have to see
the vivid pained look in people’s eyes.
Like that beautiful abandoned woman
with the wing-white hair
and her hopeful red pocketbook.

Winter,
and with winter comes a girl.
She greets the weather as a friend
she has not seen since last Christmas,
grins as the snow
scrunches and squeaks
as green Wellington boots
on a wooden floor.
Two men walk past her,
reeking of yesterday’s brandy.
One has sloshed a lot
down his front,
a dark claret patch
like a seeping **** on his chest.
Someone is playing an instrument,
a saxophone,
and the sound
sprints fluidly along the streets
into taxi-cabs and terracotta
coffee-shop windows.
She smiles again.
One dustbin’s been KO’d,
trash trips out
in a puddle of colours
like unwanted confectionary.
A teenage couple are kissing,
their heads a swaying metronome
and the boy grips a Starbucks cup
with one limp hand as if to say
here you have it.
Evening gushes over her
like a rush of bad acne
but she loves the sun
as it pecks the cheeks of buildings
and the jingle from her phone
which reminds her,
the movie starts at eight.

She’s got pretty eyelashes, long and curled, and she’s always smiling, but she squeezes her eyes shut (blue, maybe), scrunches her nose up, gags, spits it out, only lets it run down her chin, refuses to swallow it.

Sometimes the men say nothing, sometimes they say disgusting things, things that would make me cry if they came out of someone’s mouth, but sometimes I think these words at these girls.

Whisper them at my glowing laptop screen with my hand under the waistband of my pajama pants.

scrunches his face up
he thinks it's a joke, at first
he thinks it's just
another one
of those dreams

hurt eyes; small apologies
he's never been prettier
he's going to throw up

i always catch him looking away
his hooded eyes crinkling
porcelain skin turned blood red
his nose scrunches together when he gets nervous
we aren't alone
a crowded room filled with ****** music and cheap liquor
keeping us apart
i'm smiling now, look up, look up, look up
he does
its my turn to look away
i just want to talk to you
but this boy sitting next to me
is telling me about his baseball team
i keep looking at you
oh ****
we've made eye contact
can you see my heart racing?
can you see it in my eyes that i'm in love with you?
this night drags on and i haven't spoken to you yet
but i want to
so badly
please
just speak to me

Smiles like an angel,
     scrunches her nose from such sweet
          butterfly kisses.

There once was a man.
His sole purpose in life was to put antiseptic and bandages on my wounds.
He read me a stories and gave each character a funny voice.
He took me wherever I wanted to go, and also, everywhere he'd ever wanted to show me.
He showed me the past, like
individual bricks on a wall,
and built me up to the roof
of a house.
Staring at stars and constellations and swirling dreams.
We played and conversed like equals,
alternating from being children to grownups, together.
We went to baseball games and aquariums and museums and beaches and parks and forests.
I danced on his toes, and sprouted his curly locks from my own head.

And when he died, I died, too.

There was nothing left for many years, until I held my own child.
My daughter,
who looks so much like my dad,
sometimes it hurts to see
the similarities.
The curl in her hair, the stars in her eyes, the magic in her shadow,
And it almost makes me feel like
Maybe he didn't leave me without love.
Maybe I didn't perish along with him.
Maybe he is still alive in me and in
the funny way my little girl scrunches up her nose when she giggles.
Or her preference of squash to green beans.
Maybe the world didn't end with my dad.
Maybe I would feel even sadder that she won't know him if I wasn't too busy soaking in her every moment like my father did mine.

And, one day I'll tell her,
"Eliza June, I once knew the most incredible man.
And he would have loved
to hear you call him,
'Grand Dad.'"

It bothers me that I was her understudy.
It bothers me that
I am a woman
But to you I was just a warm body.
I was never her.
When I catch your scent my face scrunches tight,
But I never let you see.
Unrequited oh-so-absolutely not love.
If you could pull me apart,
Stretch me out,
You would see that I am small.
I feel small.
I wish I was enough
And yet at the same moment I want nothing of you.
I don’t want you.
Not you.
I hereby lay us to rest, the us that we were.
You cannot be my friend
Because when I look at you all I see is *** and nothing.
Tomorrow I will make you coffee and pretend it’s all okay.
But on the inside I am shrinking
Ever smaller.

My niece is sat opposite me
My niece is in possession of paint
And a paintbrush
And I’ve surrendered my hands to her.

That tickles!
My face scrunches

Paint properly plastered
The newspaper in front of us her dad had put down for her she swaps for plain
I wiggle the digits on my
Upward facing palms.

Now flip!
Like this?
She nods
And splat
SPLAT!

The One That Married Into This
Via me
Comes in from the kitchen.
I rise from my cross-legend position
And pat his cheek as we meet in the doorway
Then I rest my hand on his shoulder,
Trying to gaze lovingly,
As opposed to smirking.
He doesn’t notice the paint
Because it’s warm
And maybe I’ve just got clammier hands than usual.
I go to wash my hands off.

Your turn!
Le artiste demands
My turn?
Everybody turn!
Great-aunties groan.
Alright then.

SPLAT!

The One That Married Into This
Touches a reassuring
Painted
Palm
To just below my back.

So ordinary
We only notice the paint prints
As we graze the hall mirror
As we start the 30 minute process
Of saying goodbye

Walking art
He whispers
As we walk out the door

I think it's cute how your face scrunches up when you laugh.
Your eyes squint into slits.
Your nose crinkles.
Your mouth opens.
Your small, baby-like, teeth flash.
It makes me laugh because it's cute.
You do it way too often,
and it makes my day better,
to be honest.
Your laugh causes me to laugh,
which makes my day better.

and my body knows
when it's with yours
a pleasure more
and pain less

it knows just how
delightfully draws
the better curves
of your sting heavy
*******

how is immaculate the
darling prism of thy
stomach               and
how pleasantly scrunches
it up in ecstatic pink
rimmed diminutive folds

and how the taste of
your sweat is like
honey more than
honey even is

My face scrunches up,
Uncomfortably.
Hunching over,
My body draws into itself.

Tears pour out,
Streaming down my face.
Wiping them away incessantly,
Doesn't hault them,
Or my hysteria.

Rubbing uncontrollably,
The skin around my eyes,
Begins to tear.
I can no longer tell...
If I'm still crying,
Or if it's all blood,
Raining down my cheeks,
Staining everything red.

I'm afraid of reflecting on myself.

The pressure of expectations of the selves over the years leaves a bitter emotion.
I want to stop writing.
I feel cold.
Palpitations.
The fingers want to retract into balled fists.
The instinct is to curl into fetal position.
The voice lets out a primal moan of agony, of what the self has been through yet knows it hasn't gone through utter despair so the moan fades into a whimper.
The eyes want to close, the eyelids squint, the eyebrows scrunches, the forehead raised.
Irregular breathing.
The back of the hand smashes into the wall behind him.
The fingers loosen.
Silent screaming.
The soul cries out.


..............................................................­...Haaah...


I need a glass of water.

.i only wrote this to write... it's never about drinking for drinking per se, or to entertain "thinking"... for the first time in 4 months i took my usual night-time walk... i wanted to precursor spring... to fill the air with perfumes - so i washed myself - applied the deodrant... the almond cream, i trimmed my ***** hairs... i oiled my beard... i applied coconut cream to my face - a mango infused balm to the hands - deodrant to the feet - i left the house imitating a magnolia bush... or all that *** i get up to come the nights of yesteryear when spring finally comes and all the trumpets are alight with the wind rustling them and ushering our the scents...

at some point in my drinking:
i feel the puppet strings loosen -
and i arrive at a kuru dance spectacular -
it's hardly a dance:
it's more akin to a gimmick -
more: akin to sharpening a misnomer
on the stone-grinding-the-never-to-be-used-blade
of a synonym: blockage...
****... always with the blockage -
i can't really be making excuses:

does this even resemble a paragraph?!
once upon a time; perhaps -
but even now, without rhyme without
sparrow without a horizon
of the climbing sun -
above a horizon of mountains
of Macedonia in the cleft of a valley -
just pristine rising -
on the plateau of: where
sea fiddles with the sky and vice versa...

of a language best leftover to
a hangover of: much better use of it...
should i be bound to being sober,
being the better attired man...
when i would break the tide along
with Xerxes whipping the sea
into submission -
better well attired: purposively tailored...

a crackling sound from a snippet
interlude of how a bow-tie was born
simultaneously with the sparrow -
how man was so borrow the donning
of the tie with a crane's elongated neck -

but again: how is "one" to not tire -
gender neutrality of pronoun usage -
began with the royals - ends with the royals:
the crown is not even upon by head
and yet: this expectation's toll...

one "thing" to call it a poetic metaphor...
another to call it...
a psychiatric: hush hush: invite the broom!
it's oh so tiresome...
tiresome to have to want of this world...
nothing more than a transitional
escapade...
this life that needs a mortgage...
however taxed or not taxed...
with insurance fail-safe investments...

i see a sun... i call it...
the Switz take on euthanasia...
and i'm very much a fan of this:
when one, simply, becomes, tired...
and one can tire very easily...

i sometimes read the poetryfoundation.org
editorial spew...
at least they forget custard and
never, oh never never:
start the show off with fudge packing...
the ballerina breaks a leg...
a crescendo of sound makes it into
an orchestra of a waterfall -
the echo shouted into a cave...
learns of the vampiric inability to see
a mirror reflection...
the echo begins to learn to become silent...
the image is no longer seen,
the echo will never be heard...

the ice-sharpnel in the eye -
the cave has learned to glutton the would be echo...
gobble gobble it down it must....
it will not regurgitate any fleeting sound back...
and a day will come when
a man will start to philia - not love...
more: befriend his own shadow...
because it's not that beauty fades...
by that (circumstance)
there was always that interlude
of tampered with inflated beauty...
otherwise no delusion:
it was "fate" that it would happen...

and that will not stand
on anything but stilts riddled
with foundations made of sand...

an old woman's skin like creases
of forever folding paper -
but never quiet an art of origami -
more like creases - scrunches -
how an inflated ballon filled with
a dead body feels like
in dio and carbon dance -
then dipped into liquid nitrogen
will eventually look like -

like an onion dipped in the same liquid -
later picked up and smashed lazily...

what am i supposed to see...
something akin to Postnik Yakovlev's
or Ivan Barma's eyes were not gauged
out by Tsar Ivan:
dropping dogs from high-buildings
was a "thing"... st. basil's was also the last
sight of beauty before the moon allowed
her full blossom of *****...
or before the light scortched the eyes
into a fizzling out fiddle of
not lasting expectation: as ever...
this epitaph anticipation...

casual language: non-narrative...
no character study....
pork chops and a date with the halal
butcher... since the kosher one
"sort of"... "forgot"...
catching the tide of the "white flight" from
London...

absolutely no appreciation for
greek orthodox cenobite chants...
perhaps it's now wonder...
yugoslavia... how it didn't dissolve
peacefuly akin to the gorbachev plan...
because the serbs went sword for sword
with the muslims of the balkans...
and what not...

no... this is not poetryfoundation.org
type of poetry...
white is allocated to... what?
english? french?
i see the root of the argument...
in russia... it looks very much
termite infested: próchno!
which one would call: it's not driftwood...
it's spongewood... sinkwood...

but i have to thank the russians...
i need it!
it will not simply be: pleaSure...
it would be as simple if the anglo-ßaß
interchange were to happen...
but even then!
ж = ž = ż = rz...

you have these signs in your language:
but it's almost... like you can't...
rather than don't want to use them!
i need the russians' 'elping 'and...

с = s = ç

(х) - lo(ch) - i call it the drill -
oh is no och, faye dunn!
what's new?

no...

   ц (cy - niet ka ka)
c'erp...

ч contra х...
č / ч 'asem...

ж                         ш

                 щ

                 šč (,) that's added to the š'
is also a szczekam: i bark...

either these are the leftovers -
or these be the crumbs...

ж = ż = rz...
and therefore? depending which language...
caron r (ř) or caron z (ž) = ж...

it's very much unlike hiding a vowel...
as the hebrews do...

but i can only thank the russian encoding
of allowing me to stress
the difference between C and K in english...
greek is dead to ditto...

not quiet a с - or... cedilla attached - i.e. s...
certainly not a к...
i'm pretty sure the greeks have their:
phi and theta - psi and chi...

pivot letters from russian:

ц: plaцki - cakes -
ч: płaч - crying...
    velsh: pwaach...
х: хolera - cholera - c'olera -
otherwise: not latch but loch nessie...
ж: pleaßure...
   or... żart... but that does depend on
the caron... žart...
and half of the caron?
       źrenica - pupilla... pupil...

back toward:

ш + ч = щ...
i too was waiting for the following equation:

ш + ц = щ...
but no...

let's not discuss the variations
of й, у, ъ, ь, ю or я...

am i not entertaining a language i will not learn
to a level of conversation?
most assuredly!

зъ in roman would almost look like
ж - well... ż or the caron eventuality...
these are hardly shortcuts...

cheap - pointers...
shameless office-hours... nothing but b & w
printing - and making coffee for
the muggers of hours -

a break from solving a sudoku...
back into looking at russian -
oh... just the language... no painting needs
to be summoned...
although...

at the royal academy of arts...
when i was skipping lectures at U.C.L.
i spotted this eye-pleasure
in flesh and blood and oil and brush strokes...
and how it towered over me...

PHILIPP MALYAVIN
peasant woman dancing...
nothing exactly compares to seeing this
painting in real life -
hell - the mona lisa is...
a bit like a nail-clipping...
compared to growing your hair long
and then shaving it...

beauty or technicality...
if the royal academy of arts...
would showcase the bullfight by pyotr
konchalovsky -
what's this poem this poem this isn't
a poem this poo'em?

i lament the non-existence of diacritical
markers in the english lounging-attache -
the lazy tongue that thought...
i'm not willing to play with anagrams...
i am not a fan of anagrams -
every other language game to escape
learning a second language...
crossword puzzles -
to stick to the monolingual enterprise...

thankfully for some they were born
into english: sell that talking point in scandinavia
or belgium, or the netherlands...
somewhat germany, somewhat poland...
the tourists' lingo or...
where those movies come from...

why wouldn't i look at russian letters?
a fond break-away from any sudoku -
but only via russian can a distinction be made
when... some random english native
sees a suffix -cki...
-цки...

no: no amount of cyst or garcons or whatever
would ever prepare anyone for...
ч or... well (ch)atter... but not for the piquant...
dumać: to muse...

my mother tongue my affair it seems...
well... there's that...
or there's the netizen language -
or any portmanteau language in general -
but never to truly mind the hieroglyphics
of :) -

one lion roars - another lion yawns...
this most certainly sounds better in german...
eins löwe brüllt - ein anderes gähnt -
bad german is worse than no german;
at least bad german satisfies my basic fetish:
the per se.