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Ryan Bowdish Apr 2020
I fantasize about other lives
Fantastical dragons and werewolf cries
Ready to renounce my given name
No longer committed to the game
Ready to join the opposing side
Ready to revel in suicide
Prepare to die a million times
This existence is penance for your crimes.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2020
Set it all on fire
And douse it with crocodile's tears
No one will ever listen
This is how it is now.

Decisions, decisions.

Set it all on fire
And douse it with your darkest fears
It isn't going to change.
This is how we go down.

Such beauty in this eternal sadness
Eternal sadness
Eternal madness

No reflection

Phoenix feathers and mountain's breath
Crocodile tears and a timely death
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2019
If I could just release this tension,
Dissect this disease,
Understand the hatred that habitually feeds
The darkest corners of my subconscious fantasies,
**** the pain in me,
****** your apathy,
**** your power over me,
I could finally understand the meaning of being free.

It kills me to think that I'm in love with somebody
Who has such power over me that I resort to hiding
Inside of myself and revealing no feelings
Because everything I say is just so unappealing
To your good time and while you're so happy drinking
I'm cleaning your messes and raising our offspring
And begging you to just break the ******* routine
And get off your *** and pretend that you love me.

Good luck with being sober without the support of a partner
Because that's all I ******* do now.
To my lovely wife
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
My daughter won't sleep
Because racism makes her anxious
And you really showed your true colors
Time for me to stop being complacent
It's amazing that you think you got a case
Bet you one time told you to get your **** straight
Can't tell if you just shut up or got taken away
But it's good to know I didn't have to smash your face
C U Next Tuesday
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
I'm from the side of the tracks where you won't come back
Sometimes fade to white, sometimes to black
Secreting the pus of another failed lust
My intentions only bending on a whim or a ****
So break the glass over my face and watch me go hard
If I got no other outlet you better hope you'll go far
Because sickles and hammers aren't only symbolic
They can be used to intrude on your systems metabolic

Contortionists form a fist and slick the road for communists
A bottomless populace heavy handed and cacophonous
Desolate like postulates from existentialists, mop your ****
And follow it with sawed-off ****, shotguns for columnists
So open up these ******* veins, I got no reason to try and change
Scatter-brained, like blood insane in dark fantasies untamed
Unchained and ******* and horse-laced with your taste
My way is the highway so don't **** with my **** deranged

I'm sick like
***, it's exciting
To know you're dying
From the first breath
You're primed for death
And there's nothing left
Like 21 grams
And ***** sexts
It's a blank slate
And my blood's paint
For the walls of
The Satanic Saints
To **** my brain
And **** myself
Because it's easier
Than killing everyone else

No ******* effort, no giving a ****
Surely I am broken like a Muslim's ****
So you're right to be scared
Sure you're checking my history
To make sure that no one
Is trying to **** me
I'm ugly, my soul is black
And I'm happily taking nothing back

I told you I needed an outlet
But don't assume I'm finished yet
I'm just playing baby, you know I love you.
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
Brutality been building up
Cutting through the marrow
Feels like pork, penny flavored
High tension cord, aroma savored
Laced with liquid hydrocodone
World fades to black as the cleaver falls
(As the cleaver falls)
As the cleaver falls!

Spoken like a true warrior, you scheme
Despise it, revised it like a million times, it
Hurts to think that if it were tangible
I would probably just **** it to death
Scared to let myself get a handle
On the last human feelings I have left

She was a no one, a ghost
Her family left her in her glory days
Tell me, would you even have known
If I chose to keep it hidden away?

White lines on roadsides
Up my ******* nose again
I could **** it twice
This feeling I feel in the end

Every **** time I feel the cleaver fall
It's the whole night over again
A twisted groundhog day forever
Been runnin' since the very first ******
It's been building up
The brutality
And I can finally feel the release
Of the fatality
I'm balancing
Between the oncoming
They'll say it was tragic
But not for me
Because I wanted to ******* end it

A shallow grave beckoning
Her bones like excellency
The eel in the cold pit
Slippery like new cement
Slow descent
No incentive
To respect the dead
Feeling the bile rise
Letting it coat her insides
The smell like hospitals
After a travesty

If I could put it in to words
I would just **** it red
Or beat it until my knuckles bled
And I know that if I find some help
I would satisfy
The sickest parts of me
So who the **** is next?

Don't ask me for my number, kid.
Kiss your mama goodbye
Ryan Bowdish Apr 2015
The night is the first thing I believed in. My life was surrounded by the desire for darkness, but it wasn't wrong. There was comfort in the simplicity of the stars, the glow of the crescent moon. There was something beautiful about the droning of the crickets keeping me tethered between dreams and the sheets.

There was a love in it, something that i lusted during the day. The still confines of a room, a buzzing light, a desk welded to a chair. I didn't appreciate the sick irony of florescent lights.

Cue the newest deliverance from something we dont understand. You branched into my life like the limbs of the sun, in a dark room, and surprisingly i wasn't upset by it. There was something inside the music you gave me that told me our lives were intertwined. I can't remember the first thing i said to you but i knew i didn't want it to be the last time.

When i wanted to rule the world i thought I'd be happiest if people would just leave me alone, and meeting you taught me that i wasn't ready for a life of loneliness. I think I'll save that for when I'm ninety.

I like to be a person of metaphor and extravagance. But there are occasions when I just don't have the capacity to be clever. You make me too honest. It's good, i rarely see this side of me.

You became the moon to me when we spoke together late nights some months ago. My stars became your words. My life has been stranger than fiction, because you ended up being my antagonist. Challenging me, reminding me who i am and why i exist on this earth.

You were a sonic boom in a cloud of feathers, a banshee in the middle of the bayou, a war horn from a still swamp. I couldn't ignore you. I never could. You always looked and sounded so good.

Even when i didn't earn you personally, I remember only wishing you by me. I remember because our names were the same, and it sounded so nice to hear or names spoken side by side, and so unnerving. Year after year i wished you were alone, I wished you needed me. I was a *******.

And yet there you were, like frozen sound waves during a winter sunlit morning, how your breath forms icicles on the roof. I saw you in a room full of rainbow music and yet you danced to a tune all your own. You knew exactly what i needed to see, what i was dying to hear. The way you laid down rules on me like i was going to be used, and i was happy.

The past is beautiful because we were such fun dumb little kids. This passion never needed to be so hidden. I love how you once told me never to say 'love' because now i can't go a single day without mashing into your head the sheer fact that i love you.

I'm afraid i may end up making some huge mistakes but i will do everything in my power as a human being to stay with you, to love you and be everything you need during the nights when you lack the shine of a crescent moon.

Goodnight, darling.
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