flashes of your smile
I'm growing less bitter
this familiar mile
is now littered with her

I don't know how
to kiss your lips
I need it now at a
moment like this

I need your beauty
beside me
I need to erase
my shame

a windchill a
sun beam
there saying
my name

nature is green
with envy of thee
the falling leaves
are of my own body

in tow of
the spirit that
has now
known yours

found hidden beaches
felt the snow storms

I'm willing to learn the
things you want me to

if that's now what it
takes to get
to you

I've since learned new
things, though my
pride still burns

it's with unfamiliar
brightness that
my heart now
yearns

Behind these eyes, insanity
a slow permeation of a voice
screaming truths and half truths

I just don’t want to listen
so I flood the head
just to drown the haunting

but it is ******* immortal
every night I send an eagle
to gnaw on the larynx

every morning it’s there to greet
disguised as a fictional friend
                  fiend. I meant fiend.

it’s kudzu it’s ******* kudzu
every day is a mid spring day
even in winters delicate palms

I spend the nights soaking in a bath
last night I let the water ******* tongue
soon it will feast on my lungs

I can go out like Plath
except my poems are bad
and my novel is only a paragraph

I will not
     let the inner
          demons win.

(note~ This is a rather lengthy story about trauma and brokenness..)

I have a patch of skin on the back of my left hand, indiscernible to the
human eye as being any different than any other part of my skin.
It is my heart of hearts.

Five days a week I am not with my little ones.. there is a place I go.
A broken one awaits me there; Unknowingly. On 'day one' of my
non daddy-time, I go where the longing of my heart leads me.
When I am not with them.

There is a vertical shaft-- hidden in the tumbleweeds at the base of the
mountain's foothills that leads down beneath the surface. There are
rusted rebar steps in the shape of hoops, embedded into the hardened dirt
and rock of the shaft that gives me access to what lies down below.
With each ten steps, the shaft becomes noticeably darker. After thirty
steps, there becomes a pungent smell in the air that begins to cover my
skin, and a dank mist that enters my lungs and begins to coat the
inside of my skin. As I continue to descend down-- all becomes covered--
everything.. but the 4 inch square patch on my left hand.

There is a foul 'burning' in the permeating mist that wants to place a
film over my eyes and cause them to water, but as I descend I grow a
new pair of eyes over the top of my old ones, and though it is nearly
pitch black now and the pungency completely fills the air;
I can see.
Faintly, but I can see.

Directly at the bottom of the shaft is a room barely lit by what little
light has made it down the shaft through the mold and musty mist.
I get a strong sense that this room is the antechamber. Dirt and rock
line the walls as if they had been there since the ancient days. There is
also a black mold and an unavoidable saturation of the wall. There are
two doors in the wall, but I sense that both lead to the same room, so I
take the door on the right and slowly enter into a windowless and
nearly pitch black room-- old and partially torn up asbestos-tar tiled
floor-- filthy ***** with strewn about rags and used up things. The
pungent mist would be completely overwhelming had I not already
been fully permeated in it and received the new set of eyes in order to
be protected from its permeation and also to be able to see through the
darkness and wet, fine dust that floats throughout the air.

On the walls, there is a saturation to such a degree that it almost moves,
and there is a permeation of mold throughout. Mold on the walls, floor,
ceiling-- everything permeated in the mold.. and whatever it is that has
saturated everything. I have now entered so far into the room that all I
can see is shadows.  It has become that dark.
There is a sense of movement.
It is large-- behemoth even, methodically slow in it's self caught-up world.
It is perpetrator. Abuser-- And it only knows one thing--
destruction of anything of life for its own gain.  It cannot see me
because I am permeated in the foulness of its own perpetual emission--
The walls.. they are *** soaked. The air is filled with an ever-evaporating
mist of pungency. The only life form attached to it is mold, a fungus
which covers every square inch of floor, wall and ceiling.
I am not afraid, because I know that what I want is in the room also--
and I know that the only thing perpetrator can see is what hasn't been
permeated by the filth-- and so as I move.. remembering to place my
right hand over the back side of my left--
covering the only part of me that is not his.

Protected by the fact that I have become permeated in and with the
outcome of his abusing ways, I am hidden from all that he is,
as long as I keep that part of me covered.
I begin to move slowly around the room knowing that I cannot be seen,
but needing also to make not an ounce of sound. I am looking-- searching.
In the corner is a small discarded pile of ***** rags, and there my
eyes focus as I slowly move towards it. Perpetrator has begun to
shuffle off towards another smaller room that I have just begun to
become aware of. I head towards the small pile of rags.
I can feel him-- someone else in the room. The one I came for.

I move towards the rags on the floor there in the corner of the room
and I can see him-- just a part of his hand sticking out from underneath
the pile of rags; he is face down. All my focus is on him now, as I kneel
down next to him and sit alongside him-- pulling the rags off of his
head, revealing the side of his face. He is face down with eyes closed,
barely breathing-- barely a pulse.. only kept alive by the perpetrator to
serve his purpose. I am with him now and his brokenness takes over
me. I cannot touch him with any part of the permeated filth.

I reach out with the unaffected four inches of skin on the back side of my
hand, and touch it to his face. There's a slight movement, but he
remains face down. He's just a little boy, but because of the horrors
he was subjected to, I knew not to try to move him--
the trauma of just the slightest movement would **** him.
And if I were to look directly into his eyes, the light I had brought into
his broken, dark world, would have burned the back of his retinas and
ended what little pulse and breathing he had remaining. This is where I
want to be, even if the only thing that I can do just let him feel the
warmth and cleanness of my skin through the back of my hand against
his face.

I feel him quietly breathing it in.
He never opens his eyes-
face down still-- pain.
It takes all the energy he has;
just to survive.. to breathe.

And outside of the warmth of my hand, I know
that he may never again have the chance
to see the light of day--
he is broken, abandoned.

This is where I want to be.. but to be near the broken-one of my heart, I
have had to wear the 'full outcome' of perpetrator, and know full well
through what I have learned when young that I'm putting myself at risk--
of forever being banished to hell for what I have 'chosen to wear'.
I will stay with the broken one wherever that may be. This is where
my heart is most at home (the times I'm not with my little ones).
If heaven doesn't want to let me.. or the broken one in,
then I don't want to be there.
I will stay here with him, and if hell is his final resting place..
then it will be mine also--
perpetrator cannot see me here-- destructor will not see me there,
and I will sit with broken-one forever.

But for now I must return at the end of the five days-- climbing once
again back up the shaft and receiving the washing that happens once
daily life sees the four inch patch-- I am clean again in order to play
with and love my little ones.. holding them and protecting them from
the daylight-perpetrators as best as I can.. and as I love them and look into
them, I look into the broken one also. He is with me in my heart even
then. I will be with him again soon and also once again with my little ones.
    I am both.
They will grow up and become responsible loving adults with children
of their own. Broken one will always remain young and broken.
I will remain with him forever--come hell or high water.
He is me.. and every broken-one who has ever had to suffer alone.
It is with the broken ones that I will always want to be.

I live within the four square inches of my skin.

In experience you have learned
which tunnel to explore.
You enter this
tunnel for promises of
"gold and precious things!".
But this promise
did not enter through ear;
but thoracic permeation

Well prepared having
spelunk'ed before;
light- your pack
light- in hand.
Climbing, scrounging to escape
the tight entrance with
jagged rocks and false paths
it's many turns and falls-
although you cannot keep
your flashlight straight
experience triumphs, as in
a maze done quickly
once done before.

One strong pull
emerging through;
cave's pupil dilates.
Ground so smooth and wet
though wise to walk
we tend to slide
                why?
Faster to the gold
Faster for exhilaration
Faster because faster!
and... why not?
hitting rough spots mid-slide
pain in debt to speed.

You let your feet
gain some tract
as the tunnel
   narrows
Solomatic mind; without
doubt- body complies.
A slight gust tickles
but this tunnel is not through...
Alas! A shining shimmer is seen!

The earth is rough
to navigate
difficult; (but shimmers numb the sense)
pain soon saturates and stops your
smallest movement, heartbeat, fidget,
thought... The light is moving near?
As tunnels break space and time
and especially direction
feel as though you've lifted up
and the cave, the light, and all
rushes to you.

The sound of breathing relocates,
oh, yes that's you.
gun to back, hostage of Aphrodite
running, sprinting, breathless
you seek this precious shimmer
soon to realize it's coming
faster, harder, alarming to
you.
Looking ahead-
Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap
the sound the light bequeaths
not from ten feet but maybe
five, you realize it's you
heavy- pack
heavy- darkness follows
sprinting, pushing through.

And the entrance could not be any farther.

Organizing the desk
on solid wood
if only i
understood

Sorting the papers,
a perpetual mess,
thoughts
my mind
wishes
to confess.

Shredding the confidentials
security measures,
they could never
understand
my secret treasures.

Boxing the pictures
with pain
inside
nonetheless,
the moon moves
along with the tide.

Time is always changing,
looking from
within.
I know the life
I must choose,
But you?
will undoubtably
see it,
a life full of sin.

Whatsoever a man soweth
that shall he also reap
deceive thy neighbor shalt not
as into thine grace it shall seep

06/07/2017

The knife I take down my throat
To vindicate my thoughts
Of ruinous infection,
Deceives all sensation,
All thoughts, and ceases
To exist myself,
Until the blade conceals,
And the only tell
Of even its unsheathing
Is that of the daylight
Pouring in through
Windows of which
I had forgotten,
To strike the flower
I left out alone in the open.

The scent of the previous day
Made aware though permeation
From the bottles
Left open
To fill the air
With their intention,
But lit candles
Will once again
Flush the awful realization,
As the day sheds colors
To the night,
And when the music hits,
And the temperament
Fills veins with built and bottled-up
Stresses, the candles will smell great
As the chaser takes away the sting
From the blade,
And the flower, unconcealed,
Let without any pressures
Or internal guilt,
Finally able to be myself,
If only for one more night.

I don’t want to be a tourist,
but a traveler in your land
I want to be a wanderer
lost in the most unlikely trails
For your chaste beauty lies in
Those long abandoned grounds
Of wildly growing weeds and the
Secret tunnels you have built for
The permeation of your
Hymns and cries,
I am aware that you have been haunted by
The crawling black clouds, and i
Can’t always promise to paint rainbows
In your skies or straighten your paths,
But I know that I will love
Every of your rain drops and
Sound of thunder, I will dance in your
Barren lands and climb every of your hills
Because of all the lands I have traveled,
Only yours feels closest to home.

N  Y’s serrated skyline,
a pale blue sleeps on teal.
But cut out
the distant end of it

and something of that shade
might wake
from under there, I feel.

The cross which I tend
to see is nearer than
N  Y. It is rusting
an old green garden on it
and there is much strangely
colored gray living in
the winding motions above it.
The last of the sun, it dying
again pours libations of
pink upon the summit.

The view is far to me
yet brings me close
to a sky’s permeation.
(Been dragging me forward
a while now to its edge,
this now ever wasting.)

This is much like the way
the Torre fell through
my eyes, pending inward
upon some mind, which
I tried to catch in my gray
gray matter (sitting next
to her) like that was
the last essential task.
I said keep it keep it.
Did not keep it. It passed.

The blue is changing now—
lighter, paler, ghost-like.
If you were here
you would know the color.
(It is the sheet spread over
when things are lifted
as if born.) Lights, smaller
than skin water specs
begin to glimmer.

A breath is a crumpled
thing, used and used but
never wasted. When I
breathe to breathe I
remember to keep
breathing. And when the
world enters my lungs,
I can choose when to
exhale time—if I breathe
to breathe.

More speckling of sky skin.
The shades are fading, darker.

Suffused under, the clouds
congregate in covers.
The Brooklyn museum
is some pantheon upon
my roman hill from here.
The street lamps flame
orange as if it all was a
constant procession
towards the unceremonious
entrance, through the changing
gates, to the unknowing
home of being.
(The blue has fallen
from the sky and dropped
onto the roofs.)
The impossibly colored
clouds smoke up in
one heap from the end,
still the same distance—
far away. (But there still
is blue behind me.
A blue has kept away
from the end.
The cross has blackened.)

I wish not to leave this
Brooklyn roof. But I have
chosen to sleep on a bed.
One day
I will sleep on a roof.

Bittersweet love
like roses
on your wooden fence
thorns that *****
my fingers

Two bodies
make love
like roses
sweet, divine, intense

A fragrance
that never leaves
its permeation
fills the air
the sunken stems
dancing in their last droplets

Vast openings
her voice glistening
inside a narrow glass
of my deepest entanglements
and her wildest dreams

Bittersweet love
like roses
never escaping me

Your *******, when love-based
within their beautiful forming,
and then  glorious unfolding
are Love and Light's  extracorporeal
pulsings;
focusing   l o v e t on e d
sonic shockwaves directly at the  machine's
extremely intricate innerworkings..

Having,  through years of horror-based
survival tactics; in desperation.. slowly learned;
now ingrained-- softening up the very
innerwall-linings of your very spirit
in such a way as to unknowingly
provide footing
for the machine's  deep embedment,
and then,  permeation  of all things
previously, you..
having now enwrapped itself into
your very sinews

holding your precious spirit   captive
from the the soar

These passionate, late night forays
outside the wire with you
are not exploitative, but instead
are love-driven  deeply focused,
fully intentioned pingings of Light's
Relational sound waves
aimed directly at the beautiful you
held so tightly, so covetously by the machine
as your wonderfully  nectar-filled body
responds late at night, aligning
to the me, you have come to know..
heightening your beautiful response
to the point of screaming,  passionate release--

your own, fully love based..

      extracorporeal..

unwelcoming,   of the machine.

Whatever happened to “with liberty and justice for all”?

You say all lives matter, but you have never known when yours hasn’t

No, because you were born with an invisible knapsack full of privileges

While I was born with imperceptible shackles around my feet

And the system, praise the political system, because it has done you right

Because your self-worth, and your value in society was assigned to you at birth

But you claim you cannot see color,

And the truth is, I believe you

With your white schools, paid for by your white neighborhoods,

Embraced by your white government, sheltered by your white police force

How could you?

But I can see color.

For our jails are darker than the northern Atlantic sky,

While our government is lighter than the hoods slung up by the KKK,

We must embrace the permeation of a rigid political system

Segregation. Cannot. End. Without. Integration.

mining my jewels
tapping into a new field
one undisturbed
one layered for this time.

tunneling through each.
permeation of the rocks and such.
traveling deeper into my core.
burning my oil.
releasing its essence to be free.

being my own resource.
charging my self.
internal viewpoint is path
of least resistance.
trusted, tested, outlasted.
looking within, depending on she.
trusted, tested, outlasted.
confidence in my stance, here.

planting seeds, watching others grow.
sprouting using stored energy,
moments waiting to be.
infinity and, still too...
moments of me... as I search for you.

that grace of the waves
that smell, of energy being made.
charged, welcome, at last
home is recognized.
the resource.

"Thought The Heartbeat"


Thought the heartbeat spiritual lung breath
Learned conditioned malleable prism
Of the underneath space-time-mind-light-root-
Center of the universe one fathom
Long dreamed of reality this mountain
Crafted i permeation salts the sea
Relative here now no where empty form
Experiencing movement happy sad pain
Joy fear death yes no death birth twining
Around the wheel sentient shaped cognate
Realms six of one no other place to go
But out nirvana way some say some don't
Care just slake vibrations vibrating till
Satiety with peaked release fall
In brain chemistry world incredible we do
Not know the soul deep with eddies currents
Patterns self aware point bright in view held
Firmly scared to cease idea nothing
But the great unknown a million
Magnitudes of bone in ten directions

I should have been there
I should have said to hell with it,
I will believe!
in you, in me, we two will last eternal
THIS is our time
I should have smelled your hair,
known the layers
of dark waves that adorn your face
like the halo of a perfect celestial creature
yes, the stars themselves bore little bursts to knit  
together the incomparable exquisiteness of you:
elusive scientist
pretty boy
Apollo
you are magic, you are water in the shape of a man
perfect among both men and women,
a sensual mystery of sinewy limbs,
sculpted lips, eyes peering out like dark brown moons
We should have been there
in the songs of life upon the sun
your long, thin fingers interlocked with mine
my heart singing louder, our suns strum the music

oh how your eyes see me, how it feels to be seen by you
your words: I inspire your concept of the cosmos
and I am the only pure entity you have ever known

The last time I touched you, Oct 2012
instantly transported
held by you and fall skies
showing me wonderment, and taking it from me
convergence of our air mixed inside collective lungs
gentle, so gentle the demeanor of your form
permeation in aroma
muffins, tea, your clothes
your breath...
the unmistakable addictive scent of your mouth
bones pressed together, and I cried, with the words
"I still love you, you still love me
and that’s not my imagination"
we in agreement, that it would always be true
as long as the galaxies keep motion alive
My need to kiss you;
undeniable, unending, insatiable need
you could not kiss me back,
for the woman
who would eventually
give you a son
but you let me kiss you

You let me kiss you

and sent me on my way
trying, for the rest of my life
to turn everyone I meet,
into you

The permeation of my shadow
Beckons a new dawn
Upon the moonlight
Which shrouds my soul.

But it’s only in the day,
That I can clearly see
The dripping carnage,
Which was once me.

you invite me to feel the permeation of the air thats
electrically stagnant between us

I lie  below the moonlit sky.
The ground cold and damp beneath my naked form.  
Skin illuminated by  the moon’s cool and eerie gaze.
A single tear makes a slow trail down a pale and harrowed cheek.
Lost to the angst that threatens to engulf.
At war with the rot that spreads....deeper and deeper.
It has all but devoured me.
Its permeation almost absolute.
It’s wicked fingers needling and gouging my exhausted flesh.
The brutal **** and possession of my soul its ultimate conquest.
Like a forest fire it wages....out of control..insatiable.
Consuming everything in its wake.
Leaching the very life from my weary bones.
I hear a cry...faint...from somewhere distant yet intrinsic and inherent.
A voice ignored, dismissed and disregarded.
I feel a sudden wrench, a loss so profound it takes my breath away.
Fingers grasp empty air as my very essence departs and ascends.
Driven out by toxic demons.
I hear a final plaintive cry as my soul returns to the ether.
Lost to me forever.

Still, in the fourth quarter
Disabled, a depressed hoarder
Permeation meets ideation
Tectonic joints sliding away
Collapsing Ebony Atlas
In ruin and decay
Water and rock erode away
Foundation, damaged
Weakened support
Overwhelm and pressure
Leading to the break
Dreaming about the long sleep
Paralyzed while awake