(too long version)

Life indeed pushed me to the edge of the cliffs end but the jump was my decision, no one there could ever be bothered to care enough to even explore the simplest question much less begin thinkin' about askin' what I was thinkin' when I settled on the option I ultimately, on more than one occasion, failed at miserably while attemptin', like the byproduct of rabbits ******' my faults are multiplyin' as my spark goes dark at the same time my shine went dim, not worth restorin' this vessel that sits as decoration in a white trash front lawn deterioratin', startin' from the back end then devourin' the engine

One step forward, two giant leaps back pedalin', that was the general motion of regression, lookin' like I'm plagiarizin' Michael Jackson when he's on stage performin', masterin' that classic moon walkin' he's known for doin', never as smooth as him but you get the picture I'm paintin', losing track of my destination as it began droppin' out of sight behind the horizon, followin' the trail the sun was blazin'

Can't see the forest for the trees and vegetation, could have heard the pre-lumber fallin' if you would only humor me and at least pretend to listen, but that there is somethin' you have zero interest in which is interestin' cause if the past has taught me anythin' about what you find pleasure in it's that you're lovin', above everythin', the chance to keep pointin' out and highlightin' how I'm a terrible human bein', a garbage person but not a man and no CDL license, I'm not pickin' up the trash I'm metaphorically dwellin' in only then to have it pile back up again times ten, ultimately creatin' my own land fill location within, wilfully lettin' recycled misfortune to continue hittin' me on the chin, it's due to inadequate trainin', not for the lack of tryin' to defend

No direction just a lie practiced to perfection too keep 'em from noticin' my state of depression, leave 'em guessin'. But to keep the honesty rollin' in I have a confession, I'd loan you the money to pay attention but you'd never take that good for nothin' offerin' and I ain't even placin' blame, just sayin', I know my position, I'm fully aware I'm on the losin' end of this game of tug-a-war life and I are playin', though I think it's cheatin', countin' cards to ensure a win, gamblin' that I'll give in and fold before noticin' I'm the mark bein' taken, the journey of life is a rigged expedition

What am I doin' besides losin'? Why am I here became the daily question, how do I get out this mess of confusion that's drownin' me to the point of extinction? It's an impossible equation even for a mathematician with years of education, so you know for certain I'm lyin' when, for no good reason, I have a go at answerin'. The slipknot is workin' just as I was expectin', slippin', goin' taunt, slidin' into its final position

I should mention, if you're thinkin' this has taken place solely for attention you're sorely mistaken, you never come to that realization, dodgin' conversation in an attempt to avoid confrontation, leavin' me noticin' there's no one standin' by and extendin' a hand to help and lookin' back there's never been. No one attendin' my lonely execution by decapitation in an effort to stop the spreadin' of harmful misfortune I feed myself, bad for my mental health, a deadly addiction that's become somewhat of a tradition through repetition, turnin' a weapon on myself, worsenin' my condition, that's a fact based observation not an opinion

No resolution in the hard hitting revelation that there's no salvation for someone who's gone and done what I've done and gone on livin' in a web of fear that I first spun for protection but couldn't stop the infestation from gainin' the traction it was needin' for the completion of my complete elimination

Cravin' anythin' real to place my faith in, I'm bein' told the hate and pain I'm bathin' in is of my own creation, I can see the connection as I sit broken down in the intersection of real life and fiction, I've lost control again and once again there's no mulligan. Am I seein' the glass half full or half empty or maybe it's all an illusion regardless of perception? Lost my vision, can't see through the pollution and corruption runnin' rampant with no solution comin', I'm a simpleton so this ***** gettin' confusin', a complete brain malfunction

I've awoken the beast within and just as I was predictin' we instantly began battlin' to the death, fightin' for position and a quicker end to the situation I'm always findin' myself in then findin' out for myself that it's always been my own reflection startin' back in my direction, the ugly inside is finally outwardly projectin', can't even pretend to be my own friend, enough is enough, I'm saying when

Its lurkin' just under the skin, waitin' for the moment to strike and beat me down to nothin'. When will it end? Never I'm guessin'. I'm gonna have to try to put an end to it all myself again, tirin' of the repetition to the point I usually take no action, sometimes due to exhaustion but still just lettin' it all happen like that's what I was plannin' from the beginnin' but that makes about as much sense as quittin' ****** right after the needles insertion or waitin' till after overdosin'

Frustration givin' way to aggravation and aggression leavin' little satisfaction even if I could squeak out a win, but I'm no longer wastin' time waitin' for that to happen so I'll probably most likely be caught sleepin', dreamin' about what could've been had I listened to my gut feelin' and put in the same amount of stock I place in what my treasonous mind and heart are always sayin'
and not let doubt creep in and claim top billin' as it's permanent position, knocking out compassion and reason, replacin' both with the hate and weight of a nation

It's a fools mission, I WILL be beaten' into submission, the last thing I'll hear as my energy gives up on existin' is the mortician statin' then time stampin' my expiration, that and the body bag zippin', family left pickin' out a coffin from the bargain bin, not worth payin' a fortune, only payin' little respect to the fallen then quickly forgotten at the drop of a pin

You're sayin' I have a purpose but I'm witnessin' me wastin' every minute of the earths rotation and never reachin' the conclusion that I was slackin', far to laxed in the preparation for a home invasion of this mental prison I'm caged in where I'm servin' a life sentence and I'm mentally and emotionally starvin' while my vision of any kind of future begins to darken

No open invitation, but that's not stoppin' my personal demon from just walkin' right in and startin' the killin' spree up once again, focusin' first on positive motivation just for existin', of course that's just my imagination, but could you imagine? A horrible vision to the average pedestrian, I know, but I still crack a grin at the thought of it happenin', the devil on my shoulder is at it again

My light fractured through a prism and some went missin' and I never got around to lookin' so no chance of gettin' it back into my possession, there's no raignin' it in, goin' from a fools errand to a search and rescue mission seemingly overnight but for what reason, just to teach me a lesson? I don't test well, I won't make it to graduation

Choices made out of desperation got me lookin' and feelin' like a felon, to survive I had to become the villain of the biography I'm narratin', this isn't livin', at best it's just barely holdin' on for dear life and weakenin', a measly attempt at survivin', forced into an intimate relation with the unforgivable, each of the sinful deadly seven

The line not to cross was paper thin, walked it like a drunk person in front of a couple corrupt police men, heathens but feelin' better than, lost control long ago, before I fell off the wagon, I ain't talkin' about drinkin', it started way back when with prescription medication, ones that were suppose to be helpin' but then used for wreckreation and that's when it began draggin' me down to an underground parkin' garage elevation

I didn't have a break down, like I said, it was a break in home invasion with the assumption there was somethin' worth takin' to begin with but everythin' inside is broken and you can see the corrosion of the foundation built on sand, makin' this temple worth nothin', even self worth is fadin'

Graspin' at the air and yet again findin' nothin', grapplin' with the notion I'm nothin', prayin' my emergency flotation device will suffice cause the water is ragin', feelin' the undertow currant strengthen in it's concentration, I think it's attackin' and there's no escapin' so I began blinkin' SOS in old fashion morse code hopin' you don't need help with the translation, if that's the case then I'm done for, why bother debatin', I'll take myself out of the equation, preparin' my soul for the comin' evacuation

You begin lyin' just to raise my spirits but I ain't buyin' into what you're sellin', counterfeit concern bein' spoken with no emotion or conviction, after the extensive evaluation I see it's no garden of Eden I'm livin' in, again, someone's been lyin', I'd be wakin' right into the den of a rabid lion shrouded in original sin, I ate the fruit knowin' full well it was forbidden, straight up poison but zero ***** were given, so this was bound to happen, the writin' was on the wall, who am I kiddin'?

You have my permission to begin the process so let's just go ahead then and get this over with so I can silence the voices within, I've eliminated every complication, layin' on the tracks at the crazy train boarding station, awaitin' the unavoidable, provin' I was correct in the assumption that this is the right time to initiate my endin', a personal Armageddon...oh, well hello, you must be that Satan guy I've been hearin' so much about from everyone preachin' directly in my ear then going out the other, it's still hard not to listen, I'm just tyin' up a loose end or two then I'm yours for the takin'

...alright, thanks for waitin', now then, let the journey to my endin' begin shall we? I'm takin' the lead on this one cause I know where we're goin' and I'm no good at followin' direction...obviously, it goes without sayin'

©2022

I followed the order handed over to the T, I swear, I checked every square inch of the interior in that musty, empty chamber as well as the outer perimeter
And, just to make sure to cover all of our bases, a land surveyor calculator was used so no one would have to return to confirm the number later
He soulda, woulda, coulda but didn't prepare for the worst,  should have taken ques from one of them openly mocked doomsday prepers
Just in the event there was no search and rescue coming together to push the radius wider
I'll say this, there's nothing you could compare to what was in there other than a twisted flair of a taboo desire for a living nightmare
Keeping it honest here, there was no proper way too decipher if pain or anger fed the monster in turn fueling the inner and outer warfare
After all this time the why is still unclear like an over exposed Bigfoot picture under the blur of an out of focus layer with the top half blacked out by a fat finger
It's mostly ever operator error, there's no proof of any attempt to even remove the lense cover
Resulting in snap shots that fully render the emptiness of a gut wrenching, heart breaking type of forever
Walking through the bare walled entry erected the neck hair, instantly on anticipatory high alert, predicting a jump scare
I'd never go back there but if you dare, prepare to soil your underwear, best to bring an extra pair
It's far eirrer in there than I imagined it'd be with the unbalanced nature of finding tragedy has bled into the comedy so frustration and the for mentioned anger seemed not only justified but fair
One might expect a shrill chill to fill the air befitting the general atmosphere likened to the hollow echo of an abandoned aviator hanger
There was an uneasy stillness in the helplessness seemingly coming from nowhere and everywhere
The nonconsentual caress of chaos looked to have been ramped up a gear, allowed to feast on the bounty of self loathing and fear
I don't know if you could consider one over the other being better while not sure who's the bigger threat, the dark passenger or driver?
Neither should have been allowed to steer especially after the request to hold so and so's beer
Looks like nothing penetrated the barrier inside each ear that, according to the guest sign in on the counter here, had been garded by a couple demon friends made during his very first winter
Just prior to the proverbial greener pasture being engulfed by an arsons fire lit by the land owner
And oh how it wreaked of dispair, heavily punctuated by the stench of failure
It lingered like a stocker predator peering over top the chip and bolder on what's been dubbed an unworthy shoulder
Progressively more violent as the one under investigation grew older, evidence shows a temper that consistently boiled over
The life destroyers lurkin' behind every door down a never ending corridor, waiting in the cover of darkness found around every corner
You don't know from where but can hear screams of terror as you pass a single motivational poster that reads, "being dead inside will allow for the skipping over of the coroner all together"
Buyer beware, this particular first stair is a header, the warnings couldn't have been clearer
A lack of empathy stains character but if lead by example it's plain to see why someone might refuse to care
Or would even know how to for that matter, solely focused only on the neighbor who's grass is forever advertised as greener
Didn't do the work on the personal endeavor so it didn't get any better, attitude towards it all seemed very cavalier
An obvious what not to do trend setter, a self proclaimed and locally agreed on idiot of the year
Missed all this YOLO banter, acting like a pop of the trunk would reveal a spare
Who's life is it really if you're not even a content creator in it much less the engineer
Come to think of it I don't recall that even bein' offered up to this poor sap as a qualifying career
It should be but that's neither here nor there, what's done is done and every other cliche you can pull out of the air
To put it simply, he wasn't known as a fighter so he threw in the towel and tossed innocence out with the bath water
The belief that life was beyond repair was a thought he struggled to alter, positivity was something he never learned how to gather, had a horrible teacher
It didn't help hearing a proper confirmation message from both a soothsayer and palm reader with no reassurance from his supposed maker
Proof that it's always safer to separate judge, jury and executioner, it's a no brainier
But he wore all three hats plus at his core was a sinner, it could've been his last meal every time he sat down for dinner
So he no doubt knew there was no scenario where a man like himself was gonna come out the winner
And now that I've seen the bizzar aftermath from every angle I can say with far more confidence than when I began to explore that I don't know how he managed to even get this far
The violence was real, the battles weren't staged, it raged on behind the fleshy mask he wore to keep us from witnessing the horror
But every day his anchor to a brighter reality got weaker, thoughts and surroundings becoming darker faster than he could remember from the days before
One can only be expected to hold on for so long when you're the nail trying to resist the hammer
He was neither hero nor imposter, just the next mother fuucker to fall victim to his own future

(song)

I'm only human
I am not perfect...
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it...
Yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human

Sometimes I don't wanna carry on with this life another day, but that ain't the thing to say, at least not out loud anyway
My carry on is baggage and part of me but can't stay? I need it to remind myself what had hurt me along the way
It's completely intertwined with my destiny, seemingly by design, forged by my raw history gone astray
So not by the fire burning within per say but rather by a flame that got carried away, lighting up my dismay
Not a phoenix, no rising from the ashes, I just claimed them as my own then created a home
A collection of stone after stone thrown in my direction become the cornerstone of the foundation I raised all alone
Harvest my own backbone to support the load, structural integrity is homegrown
Get blown down, just rebuild, try to hone my skill to out will what I've sown

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
Understand all I can be is just me

**** and moan, scream and cry to an empty auditorium, my lithium battery drained and I don't know where to go get some from
All thumbs and numb, fumbled the mission, what's done is done, can't be undone, self reflection is no fun so I play dumb
When reality hit it stung, my demon won, a surprise to no one, all attempts to enter the ring ended with me caught up in the top wrung
Can't predict the future but I see the inevitable outcome, only one lonely track on this self titled album
Said track is a sad song, repeat stuck in the on position and so loud I didn't get off stage at the sound of the gong
Not only did I play the biggest part of my downfall but tragedy overshadowed comedy in this parity type sitcom
I can pin point precisely when and where it all went wrong but can't explain why I kept on this particular path for so long
Prayed for help then buried my head in the sand before it came along, popped up only to find it already gone

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
What you see is the only me I can be
I'm only human, yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human, yeah, I don't feel human
...what am I doin'?

I slip and trip more often than not, trapped in the web of a side plot, main story got lost in the shuffle, it happens a lot
Forgot to implement basic self maintenance leading to rot spreading to every thought
So I question the thought that I ought not lower my defenses, got caught in the in between, can't connect, lost a dot
Struggled with the day to day, fought just to get to a level playing field, all for naught
Yes, it was me, I did it, I hit the self destruction button too quick but it didn't say elimination, it was simply labeled quit
No mention of a death certificate or that it would make the feelings of my inadequate existence permanent
I couldn't keep my whits about me, lost sight of what was important, my insecurities the culprit
Don't think for one moment though that attention is why I did it, it most certainly isn't

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
What it is you see in me

Responsibly taken, still forsaken, got front row seats to my damnation but it's a rerun that I'm tired of watchin'
Internalized everything behind blue eyes, an examination taken place with no follow up explanation given, why are the results always hidden but lurkin' right outside my field of vision
The implosion of my life left a broken man child chokin' on the pieces left and your sinister laugh proves you think I'm jokin' or just enjoyin' what you're seein'
The implication bein' that there's no salvation, no savin', tried on the shoe and continue to wear it, it fits to perfection
Pretend not to listen so you can't be guilted into any type of action at all, and so you're not looked at as responsible
And that's reasonable, you let out a little nervous laugh and giggle cause it makes you feel uncomfortable
And that's just a small taste compared to my mouth full, out of mind, out of sight not possible
The blowback was powerful, not mindful of everything I don't know, what I do know now is I was never in full control

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
This isn't the me I want to be
I'm only human, yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human, yeah, I don't feel human
...define being human?

©2022

Simplistic skills targeted for termination
Out forms a new creation
Technicians replacing the common mechanism
Manual turns into machinery
Got **** how could this be such a falling society
Giving they hands to an unknown entity enemies be
Lurkin' spells circling minds gargling from the all this knowledge sparking
Off my brain cells **** I'm.broke physically but my spiritually
Made from much monetary seems folks quick to rush to the cemetery
I see the alcohol drugs education at a fall rise of oppressions
Keeps everyone guessin' while y'all stressing they signing lessons
Plan hope you innerstand demons put on this land
To confine everyone to a purpose failed at being a conformist
An opportunist look at as ludicrous but then again I planted a fist
Punching out bull hockey topics I'm a lost prophet
From.the tribe where we all get vibe and slide
Me five across the back
Of.my.hand let's break this plantation
Souls monetize to capitalize off the government's tax rise  
Trump ain't nothing but a mere delusion
He only represents the the confusion
Taught in the America only to be loosin' who ya choosin'
Is the devil or the Gods abusin'
Our every day instincts scared to blink
Cuz if I do they might come for you
And get the Kennedy ride
Or Malcolm X or Martin get the partin'
Split up yo anatomy off to the deaths amnity  
Not too many
Come back alive folks claim they real.but uncover jives

Embrace my Ology

Since I took the steps off wisdom it's hard for me to slip
Still spittin' fire from my mouth without burning my lip
Slow sips I take off the holy brew chilling with my crew
Me myself and I for my De La  soul I'm outta control
Institution growing swole far from bold mad men old
From the berretta that sails overseas fighting the enemy
Who got just as much melanin than me ya see they really black sons
Of the holy father I'm gettin' deja vu from these spiritual venues
That guide you each and everyday hard to look away
From all the slay soon to see world wars America living in horrors
Political correctness still manifesting problems in this society
It's just another focused tactic to make more slavery
While y'all fightin' over who's wrong or right they at the flight of taking more rights
See the deals made before the hands shake earthquake
Tryna to play God buts it's too late to shake the fate
Brimstone being casted soon to burn turn every.human into rubbles
Times is troubled I see the bullets coming ahead
Soon on fled deep into the mountain and still countin'
My spiritual gifts chillin' like.a King
Along with Moses Elijah and my beautiful Queen

Yo I creep like thoughts lurkin' in the rear smells of juana smokin' crackin' open body potent gats stay totin' to tha river ya floatin'
Bloated and bruised Yosef don't loose cruise
Pass the deadly seas even Bermuda made way
Once I paved away with the AK it's Yosef doomsday to who say?
I ain't the illest my brains spills like  phils split for the blunt mass appeal
I keep it real demon sigils raw and lethal keep eyes out scopin' like an eagle
Vulture tactics break antics who try to manage rap carnage bars lift heads like a gargage flow mirage
Rollin' with me triage me myself and I third eye never had a sty mix emcees get crossed in fire gun swerving like Irving
Heads n a basket there's goes a closed casket a black mask to fit I'm the toughest makin' puppets with no strings hoes swing on my dingaling my money clings crown with Saturn's rings other is siblings aint none touchin'this or rushin'this
Lyrically fit suckas takin' a risk against my magnificence underworld frisk
To enemies that ain't feelin' me get the JFK loss memory experience raisin' minds like a seance got no patience guns raining in cadence lock ya soul in abeyance
For livin' in defiance

The sun is dark the moon is
starched
Lurkin' spirits throughout the
Park
Lost and wondering where they
Search to be
An never ending journey cuz
Their souls not
Free
Looking for a place to rest it's
A game of chess
Stressed to the max trying to
Manifest
Even though their dead and
Gone
I still hear the same ol sad
Song
Waves hurling in and out my
Ears
Concealin' my tears for all of these
Years
Though I'm chased by a unknown
Fear
Ancestors reachin' I can feel them
Near
Diggin' deep into my soul they try
To pave
A pathway and make way for the purple winded waves

Aiyo prolific my skills gifted haters get shifted
From guns lifted cliff'd to the edge breaking pledge
No oaths to sworn on im so long gone
Folks get the prolong once i swing the Capcom
Marvel I could sparkle the darkest shadow
Plateaus I break those fools out like Woodrow
Over gold no valuable expose the international
Banking shanking got them critics blanking
No thanks from me cant cook me like a chicken
Picking feathers deluxe edition switching
Into another mode keep my shells in the abode
Enemies posing as toads on the the roads
Hoping I pump out my brakes for the fakes
Beef i cook steaks well done chosen time frozen
Posing for ya final making tears shaking
See god roll out the wickedness like ******
All eyes on thee as I spin the Machiavelli
Plot fools get gritted and rock cold knock
Ya bodies slowly ticking and a tocking
See the disco jockey dropping
Beats for the pineal gland shine all thoughts confined stand in line
This is just the beginning of your own decline
See what the greatest adventures incline
Tryna stop my shine but I still perfect divine


Spaced out mind dazed honey glazed days
Looking for the sun where it don't shine rays
Haters looking for ways to resident a stay
But they get no prays over the Lord's says
I slays got the mighty pen true swordsman
There i am again laying with frail quins
**** im dreaming naw im just for scheming
Tryna escape reality through Wankas factory
Chocolate strippers honey drippers tippers
To the gold diggers most think I'ma *****
But I'm tryna make moves like Jigga
Billion dollar figure still rocking Hilfigers
With the Nautica jeans blue starched clean
Sipping lean chopped up greens seasoned
My food for thought most love to be caught
Up Under the worldly display i layaway
the Chaos black Kronos kin to evils religion
Still can spot the paces of a lurkin' stool piegon

My missions is to give the game a lynching
Putting suckas on the bench and sounds of ammunition
Laid by the lyrical commission commensin'
Raw injection no protection or recollection
Ya soul is deaden welcome to Armageddon
So much heat you'll begin sweating
Leave you unforgiven stole from the garden of Eden
That's where I met my match can ya catch
This pitch I'm throwing rap flows owning
All these wack rappers fools better off as clappers
Audience witness this beautiful Bliss
As ya get bullets hit leave ya melon split
No **** we never sell out to the corporates
No matter how hard it gets watch for the snakes
Lurkin' in the pits but I got much venom too spit
Lyrical fatality it's a flawless victory
Tryna battle me I'm Nat Turner with the burner
Revolutionary always see the cemetery early
But surely I'm hear to rehold the fantasy
That clutches in secrecy **** what the speaking G

Once the pressure goes high widen ya third eye
No telling what ya instincts will.make ya do
I turn into Sun Tzu battle ground mentality
Soldier set up to suit organize my troops
Much ammo to shoot extractin' enemies loot
Give ya the boot I'm ****** student stay prudent
To the lames of the game my soul tamed
Once I see Bob Marley light a flame
**** overdose til I see a ghost **** near close
Leaning on the edge of death til my last breath
Feelin' chef cookin' up rhymes in the back of my mind
My grind shines make sight out the blind
Cuz these rhymes divine through a design
Define perfection from a beat selection
Minus aggression but I stay testing
Mics checking
Silent feels like a blessing no stressing
While y'all stay guessin' I'll make way with
The smiff and wesson helps stay from deaths interventions

Need to be the sweetness in your sea
Need to be the breeze that brushes up against your cheeks
Need to see you tonight ‘cause I’m filled with unlimited desires
Need to make my move so I can be your new love poem in your diary
I’ll bring the passion to add to your vessel
It will be fiery heat as we speak and strip
Drinkin’ straight liquor so we can get filthy drunk
Watchin’ the sun goes down in town
Playin’ and vibin’ to quiet storm jams
Workin’ and servin’ you, searchin’ you and yearning for more
I’ll be all up in your bedroom while the moon glistens over us
Gimme that, lemme tap that, watch me flex and finesse that

Need to navigate through your power supply
Need to waltz through your enchanted lands to feel inspired
Need to pause to admire the way your body enthralls me
Need to go deeper to see into your mind
And know that my love intensifies in your being
Baby, keep your eyes on me while I unwind your thoughts
I wanna go at it in the darkness
I wanna feel your sweat drippin’ on me
Call me Daddy, Zaddy, or Pappy
Whichever one you love, just let me be your **** lover
Just keep starin’ at me with those alluring eyes
I’m steadily thirstin’ for your nirvana
I’m lurkin’ on your earth immersed in your splendor
Girl, you got me traversin and reversin’ in patterns
Can’t stop marvelin’ at how you swirl your world on me