Suddenly,
buttoning their jackets and making sure
their sleeves were straight and perfect
as the train quickly approached her stop
became more important than
anything she'd done.

Only child. Straight A's. Good athlete. Church choir;

But this suddenly was the most
important moment of her
life.

Who are these people at the bridge to meet me? They are the villagers----
The rector, the midwife, the sexton, the agent for bees.
In my sleeveless summery dress I have no protection,
And they are all gloved and covered, why did nobody tell me?
They are smiling and taking out veils tacked to ancient hats.

I am **** as a chicken neck, does nobody love me?
Yes, here is the secretary of bees with her white shop smock,
Buttoning the cuffs at my wrists and the slit from my neck to my knees.
Now I am milkweed silk, the bees will not notice.
They will not smell my fear, my fear, my fear.

Which is the rector now, is it that man in black?
Which is the midwife, is that her blue coat?
Everybody is nodding a square black head, they are knights in visors,
Breastplates of cheesecloth knotted under the armpits.
Their smiles and their voces are changing. I am led through a beanfield.

Strips of tinfoil winking like people,
Feather dusters fanning their hands in a sea of bean flowers,
Creamy bean flowers with black eyes and leaves like bored hearts.
Is it blood clots the tendrils are dragging up that string?
No, no, it is scarlet flowers that will one day be edible.

Now they are giving me a fashionable white straw Italian hat
And a black veil that molds to my face, they are making me one of them.
They are leading me to the shorn grove, the circle of hives.
Is it the hawthorn that smells so sick?
The barren body of hawthon, etherizing its children.

Is it some operation that is taking place?
It is the surgeon my neighbors are waiting for,
This apparition in a green helmet,
Shining gloves and white suit.
Is it the butcher, the grocer, the postman, someone I know?

I cannot run, I am rooted, and the gorse hurts me
With its yellow purses, its spiky armory.
I could not run without having to run forever.
The white hive is snug as a ******,
Sealing off her brood cells, her honey, and quietly humming.

Smoke rolls and scarves in the grove.
The mind of the hive thinks this is the end of everything.
Here they come, the outriders, on their hysterical elastics.
If I stand very still, they will think I am cow-parsley,
A gullible head untouched by their animosity,

Not even nodding, a personage in a hedgerow.
The villagers open the chambers, they are hunting the queen.
Is she hiding, is she eating honey? She is very clever.
She is old, old, old, she must live another year, and she knows it.
While in their fingerjoint cells the new virgins

Dream of a duel they will win inevitably,
A curtain of wax dividing them from the bride flight,
The upflight of the murderess into a heaven that loves her.
The villagers are moving the virgins, there will be no killing.
The old queen does not show herself, is she so ungrateful?

I am exhausted, I am exhausted ----
Pillar of white in a blackout of knives.
I am the magician's girl who does not flinch.
The villagers are untying their disguises, they are shaking hands.
Whose is that long white box in the grove, what have they accomplished, why am I cold.

Buttoning his red jacket,
the lights of his apartment,
all burnt out,
his tiny plastic radio,
statically oozes a sad long performance,
of something incredible,
something that hurts the spine,
and makes him,
sit down on the floor,
His window is dark,
though the sun,
may come up any moment,
passionately exposing it self,
over tall romantic brick downtown city buildings,
made of something too incredible,
to paint,
There is a sound,
there is a love,
there is a death,
there is a dog,
a ***** who never loved,
and her High heeled Stiletto Siren Song Shoes,
are immortal,
close enough to the grave yard,
where her mother was buried 100 times ago,

I pray,
I dip my ******* Vinegar burn,
There are no
Decembers
There is no,
Crimson Highlight of dawn,

His mind is an old Blue car,
stuck in R,
a drunk driver,
Taxi-ing Tourists to hell,
Nevada crumbles like old make up on a woman’s,
tired face,

how long
will a kiss last,
as the sun,
breathes down your neck,
how long,
will beauty last,
standing ****,
in winter,
Barely starving.
I am forged Dream Catcher,
I am prosthetic limb,
holding onto a false Diamond,
Rhyming Georgia's Orange enveloped letter,
never to be returned,
never to be read,
never to be painted Green,
like the personification Mortality
or a strand
of her Night Rose hair,
still in a drawer,
next to a broken lighter.

Fashion show finales follow a familiar rhythm: after the models march along the catwalk for a last hurrah, the designer comes out to take a bow. Their demeanour is often telling, an indicator of their attitude to the collection they've shown – are they a bag of nerves, or grinning from ear to ear?

Also noteworthy is the look they choose to take their bow in. Are they even wearing their own work? One of the most celebrated designers of our time never wears his own designs. Karl Lagerfeld may create the occasional menswear look at Chanel and he designs a whole men's collection for his eponymous label but he has long been a customer elsewhere: Dior Homme.

Lagerfeld started wearing Dior Homme when he was in his late 60s, shedding 41 kilograms to fit into the skinny styles of the label's then designer, Hedi Slimane. Lagerfeld has stayed loyal to the brand ever since, even after Slimane, now creative director of Saint Laurent, quit in 2006. And although the label is known for its emphasis on youth, Lagerfeld, now in his 80s, remains one of Dior Homme's most visible clients.

Raf Simons, meanwhile, Dior's creative director of womenswear, is partial to Prada: his presence in the documentary film Dior & I (2014) is most clearly announced via his distinctive studded Prada sneakers and he often takes his catwalk bow in a head-to-toe Prada look. For his first Christian Dior ready-to-wear show he wore a vintage denim jacket with red stripes by Austrian designer Helmut Lang.

And yet many designers do wear their own work, especially if the brand carries their surname. Editors scan the wardrobe of Miuccia Prada for clues to her latest collection: is she feeling utilitarian, elegant or purposefully off-kilter? When Donatella Versace takes her bow, she often wears a look from the collection she's just shown – for autumn/winter 2015, it was a pinstriped, flared pantsuit. And even Simons has worn pieces from his own label collaboration with Sterling Ruby.

So if the name is on the label, does it mean the clothes will always be on the designer's back? Not necessarily. "I've never been into wearing clothing with my own brand name inside," says Jonathan Anderson, designer behind JW Anderson and now creative director of Loewe. "I find it odd and arrogant."

UNIFORM DRESSING

Anderson's own wardrobe is a familiar uniform: crewneck sweater, faded blue jeans, Nike sneakers. It's entirely opposite to the menswear looks he creates for his own label's catwalk presentations, which have included bandeau tops and frilled shorts. He seems to favour a clean-palette approach: keeping himself neutral so as to not deflect from his experimentation elsewhere.

This kind of wardrobe is common among fashion designers. Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez of Proenza Schouler appear to have no desire to create menswear for themselves or others, dressing instead in a similar style to Anderson: crewnecks, polo shirts or button-downs, usually with jeans and sneakers.

Mary Katrantzou, meanwhile, recent winner of the 2015 BFC/Vogue Designer Fashion Fund, may have built her business on print and embellishment but she is usually found in a black knit dress by Azzedine Alaïa. Alaïa himself has perhaps the ultimate clean-palette wardrobe: for decades he has worn black cotton Chinese pyjamas, fastened by simple floral buttoning.

Each of these designers has a successful business with its own clear signature. So maybe it doesn't matter if they don't wear their own clothes. And yet when designers do, it can be so seductive. Men buy Tom Ford because they want to be like Tom Ford. Women buy Céline because they want to look like Phoebe Philo. Stefano Pilati, creative director of Ermenegildo Zegna Couture, is often said to be his own best model; Rick Owens, in his long draped vests and baggy shorts, is the perfect ambassador for his own alternate universe of otherness.

The style of Roksanda Ilincic is synonymous with her own brand. "I create pieces that embrace the female form," she says of her bold colour palette and silhouette. "Being a woman means I'm able to feel and test those things on a personal level … I tend to favour long hemlines and nipped-in waists, with interesting shades and textures, pared down with simple basics and outerwear." Does she ever wear anyone else? "Of course! Black polo necks from Wolford are an absolute staple and in winter I am rarely without my favourite black cashmere coat by Prada, which is on permanent loan from my husband."

It seems like an industry divided between designers who wear their own work and those who don't. But sometimes things change. Backstage at Loewe earlier this season, Anderson said: "With Loewe, I have a detachment. I wear a lot of it. Now I'm more, 'Does this work?' I've got a bit of a love back for fashion."

Two months on, his interest in wearing his own designs has grown still further. He is the cover star of the new issue of menswear biannual magazine Fantastic Man, posing in a slash-fronted sweater and leather tie trousers. The pieces are both his work from current season Loewe. Womenswear. In for a penny, in for a pound.Read more here:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-2015 | www.marieaustralia.com/long-formal-dresses

She whispered to me "Be good to me and I will be bad for you"
i smiled at her
generously it seemed
She blindfolded me
With scarf she has been wearing
She had her **** neck in my lips
I could feel it
The motion slowly increased
My hands were now tied
with the shirt she wore that night
She sat on me
giving me a little tease
Un buttoning the remaining
She had my mouth shut
I accepted her order
I felt dominated but
she was doing it better
I,on the other hand
Learning to catch her
That pace, that trick
She used on me to lure
How did she got it all, I wonder
every little joy she tenders
She was my first
I tried my best to hold her
I failed, she giggled
I could not see anything except for darkness
& her soul that loved me at very best
Every time she holds that thing of mine
I forgot every single dime, I paid her to be mine

Nostalgia
is a poor excuse
for ignorance

yet it pervades
with a tenacity
stemming from fabricated desire
for the smell of ****
we're told
is roses

and it's blasphemous
to question potential "isms"
lurking behind the veil
of Saturday morning cartoons
and black and white family sitcoms.

Yet by the time the sonic *** organs
have lain into us with repressed emotion,
the holy spirit has spilled its ***** in the dirt
to traverse onward floating apparition
out of the room and down the hall
closer towards progress.

and we are left reeling
stumbling into the hallway
buttoning our blouses
and yanking at our zippers

wondering what could cause
such great haste
and we follow blindly
in the wake of the first high

or we turn backwards
and plunge into fading bricolage
as a means to cope
with the rapid and fleeting *******
of the electric eye
in its shape-shifting pylons and appendages
getting smaller in the naked eye
and gargantuan in the mind.

Clutching our *******
in great amorous heaves
of lust
or donning our father's clothes
in a mask of artifice
and enlightened cultural pretension.

Moaning for the days of youth a week ago,
the epoch squeezed in the space between thumbs,
looking for treasures in the trash
craving something tangible
in an increasingly intangible world.

The semblance of touch lost on a generation
who knows only of emotion through hieroglyphics
and never through direct sensation.

So we dig through the toy boxes
and leave Generation X puzzled
as we dig into their records
in Guns n Roses T-shirts
and high waisted jeans.

We're just looking for an immaculate conception of something palpable.

When I found the door
I found the vine leaves
speaking among themselves in abundant
whispers.
My presence made them
hush their green breath,
embarrassed, the way
humans stand up, buttoning their jackets,
acting as if they were leaving anyway, as if
the conversation had ended
just before you arrived.
I liked
the glimpse I had, though,
of their obscure
gestures. I liked the sound
of such private voices. Next time
I'll move like cautious sunlight, open
the door by fractions, eavesdrop
peacefully.

The sun hides behind the clouds
but I see feet beneath those curtains
on a Sunday a girl with short hair and lesbianism smiles at me
You shouldn't mix plaid with stripes
that's like fashion 101
so I walked down the street
buttoning my plaid shirt up
when I fell down a  man hole
and a mole man said to me
you shouldn't buy those Adidas shoes
they treat the workers horribly
so I took them off
and cut my naked feet on rust ladder rungs
I went to the top floor
they told my I shouldn't wear my jeans so creased
they scoffed at the words denim
so I took my pants off and made them into a sail
I went to the mirror
and it told me I should fit a size bigger
and that I should probably work out some more
I tore muscular and skeleton systems from the pages of biology text books
and used it for kindling
to warm my cold shoulders

A sea of what seemed like a thousand or more faces sat before me in the pews. Solemn faces dressed in black, holding back tears stared back at me as I stood behind the small podium and your body lay silently in a wooden box next to me. I swallowed hard, trying to think of what I could possibly start this speech with. No words formed in my mind or thoughts. I looked down at my black chipped finger nail polished, my mind still blank. I took a deep breath.

            “I’m sorry.” I muttered, “I can’t do this.”

            I walked off the make shift stage, leaving the podium standing by itself, much as I had felt like I’d been left by myself that day next to the hospital bed. Walking over to the first pew, taking a seat next to his parents, I buried my head in my hands and started sobbing all over again. His mom put her arms around me and rocked me slowly, resting her chin on my shoulders.

            “I thought I could do it.” I sobbed.

            “Sh, you did fine.” his mom whispered.

            Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Adam’s dad stand up slowly. Buttoning his suit jacket, he took my place behind the podium. He cleared his throat.

            “No parent,” he paused, “should be standing where I am right now.” I looked up at the tall man, resembling Adam like he was his own twin. “There’s so many things I could wish right now,” another pause,  “There’s so many things that I wish I knew.” He wiped an escaped tear from the corner of his eye. “But I can’t say that my son, didn’t die a fighter.” And I lost the battle to my sobs once more.

            Adam’s dad finished his short speech by thanking everyone for coming and reminding families to hold their loved ones close. It’s something Adam would have wanted him to say and would probably even say it himself; if he’d been around. Adam’s mom, Christine, along with my own mom, held my hands as I walked up to the open casket one last time. Looking inside, seeing Adam completely still with his eyes closed and hands folded across themselves. He looked so peaceful, and reminded me of times when he’d fallen asleep while we’d been hanging out watching movies. I took a deep breath, and rested my hand over his.

            “I love you.” I whispered. “I always will.” I’d like to think I noticed the ends of his lips flinch and turn up into a small smile, and his chest take a slight breath,  but my eyes had only fooled me. Some more tears escaped and I stepped away.

            Walking back through the church aisle in between the pews, people conjugated around glanced at me, and some patted my back or offered a smile. I continued walking to where the car was parked for the procession to the cemetery. I got in the backseat so that Mom and Dad could take their places up front once they were done offering their goodbyes. I stared out the window. The sun beat down and the slightest breeze carried pollen through the air. The beginning signs of Spring.

            Arriving at the cemetery, the procession of cars all parked in an organized fashion in a marked spot in the grass. I opened my door slowly and got out. I pulled the cardigan that I wore over my dress tighter around myself, reminding me of your arms, holding me close. I stood in the sun, feeling the rays hit my face as I watched the pal bearers carry your brown casket to where the graveside service would be held.

            I walked slowly across the grass, sidestepping headstones of strangers I’d never meet. The same familiar breeze that had blew at the church blew again, blowing my blonde hair out of my face. Mom walked beside me, holding my hand, giving me strength.

            I stepped up in front of everyone, ready to give my speech that I’d overly prepared for. Drops of tears spotted the paper I’d written on the night after watching you take your last breath. I cleared my throat and wiped a tear that was escaping down my cheek. The same faces gathered before me. Some looked down and some watched me. Mom gave me a half smile. I took a deep breath.

            “I remember the first time Adam told me that he had leukemia.” I started. I took another deep breath. “he thought for sure that I’d never talk to him again or hang out with him.”

            I smiled at the crowd, remembering the moment like it was yesterday. A third breath of air, and the wind blew my hair once again.

            “Adam was supposed to live less than six months.” I stated. “he lived for almost a whole year after the estimated time frame.” I smiled again. “Last week, as he was laying in the hospital bed, he told me that it was almost time.” I explained. “and I told him to just keep fighting. He told me that he was tired and didn’t want to fight anymore.”

            Some tears fell from my eyes, creating fresh marks on the paper that I was barely reading off of. Instead, I had resorted to just telling the story from memory.

            “He told me that even though he was losing the battle, he’d already won.” I continued explaining. “I had no idea what he meant. When I asked, he told me that even after learning about his terminal cancer, he’d won my love.”

            The wind blew again, a little stronger this time, kissing the tears away from my cheeks. I returned Adam’s kiss by blowing one up into the air, towards the sky.

The landscape sleeps in mist from morn till noon;
And, if the sun looks through, ’tis with a face
Beamless and pale and round, as if the moon,
When done the journey of her nightly race,
Had found him sleeping, and supplied his place.
For days the shepherds in the fields may be,
Nor mark a patch of sky—blindfold they trace,
The plains, that seem without a bush or tree,
Whistling aloud by guess, to flocks they cannot see.

The timid hare seems half its fears to lose,
Crouching and sleeping ’neath its grassy lair,
And scarcely startles, tho’ the shepherd goes
Close by its home, and dogs are barking there;
The wild colt only turns around to stare
At passer by, then knaps his hide again;
And moody crows beside the road forbear
To fly, tho’ pelted by the passing swain;
Thus day seems turn’d to night, and tries to wake in vain.

The owlet leaves her hiding-place at noon,
And ***** her grey wings in the doubling light;
The hoarse jay screams to see her out so soon,
And small birds chirp and startle with affright;
Much doth it scare the superstitious wight,
Who dreams of sorry luck, and sore dismay;
While cow-boys think the day a dream of night,
And oft grow fearful on their lonely way,
Fancying that ghosts may wake, and leave their graves by day.

Yet but awhile the slumbering weather flings
Its murky prison round—then winds wake loud;
With sudden stir the startled forest sings
Winter’s returning song—cloud races cloud,
And the horizon throws away its shroud,
Sweeping a stretching circle from the eye;
Storms upon storms in quick succession crowd,
And o’er the sameness of the purple sky
Heaven paints, with hurried hand, wild hues of every dye.

At length it comes along the forest oaks,
With sobbing ebbs, and uproar gathering high;
The scared, hoarse raven on its cradle croaks,
And stockdove-flocks in hurried terrors fly,
While the blue hawk hangs o’er them in the sky.—
The hedger hastens from the storm begun,
To seek a shelter that may keep him dry;
And foresters low bent, the wind to shun,
Scarce hear amid the strife the poacher’s muttering gun.

The ploughman hears its humming rage begin,
And hies for shelter from his naked toil;
Buttoning his doublet closer to his chin,
He bends and scampers o’er the elting soil,
While clouds above him in wild fury boil,
And winds drive heavily the beating rain;
He turns his back to catch his breath awhile,
Then ekes his speed and faces it again,
To seek the shepherd’s hut beside the rushy plain.

The boy, that scareth from the spiry wheat
The melancholy crow—in hurry weaves,
Beneath an ivied tree, his sheltering seat,
Of rushy flags and sedges tied in sheaves,
Or from the field a shock of stubble thieves.
There he doth dithering sit, and entertain
His eyes with marking the storm-driven leaves;
Oft spying nests where he spring eggs had ta’en,
And wishing in his heart ’twas summer-time again.

Thus wears the month along, in checker’d moods,
Sunshine and shadows, tempests loud, and calms;
One hour dies silent o’er the sleepy woods,
The next wakes loud with unexpected storms;
A dreary nakedness the field deforms—
Yet many a rural sound, and rural sight,
Lives in the village still about the farms,
Where toil’s rude uproar hums from morn till night
Noises, in which the ears of Industry delight.

At length the stir of rural labour’s still,
And Industry her care awhile forgoes;
When Winter comes in earnest to fulfil
His yearly task, at bleak November’s close,
And stops the plough, and hides the field in snows;
When frost locks up the stream in chill delay,
And mellows on the hedge the jetty sloes,
For little birds—then Toil hath time for play,
And nought but threshers’ flails awake the dreary day.

I died yesterday, by my own hand,
And now here I am;
Standing like a ******* idiot in my kitchen,
And craving cornflakes.

The reasons why I did it seem hazy now;
All the buttoning and unbuttoning seemed to much,
Or else a love had left me,
And now I can't even grasp a bowl.
Stupid! That's what it is! Pure stupidity!
And I just want some ****** Crunchy Nut!

The bathrooms off-limits now;
It just makes me angry to see myself lying there,
No longer able to help anyone, least of all myself,
And that body didn't seem to care
About my cereal lust.

So here I am; staring at the cupboard,
But unable to open it,
and I don't even know if there's
any cereal left in the ****** thing anyway.
All those stupid myths about ghosts walking
Through walls was wrong apparently;
I'm just slowly fading away.

So here I am; craving cereal like a spoon.
The stupid spoon that I'm unable to grasp;
That seems to chortle, facelessly, at my attempts.
And being forever angry at that
Stupid idiot in the bathroom
For whom I feel nothing but contempt.

No one told me
so i'm telling you
i expected grief to feel like sadness
but i wasnt told that
that it makes your whole body ache from morning until night
and even in your sleep
and that it makes your hands sting from numbness
making buttoning your jeans impossible
and that some days clumps of your hair fall out
but having a good hair day is the least of your worries
and morbid thoughts attack like being ***** slapped upside your head
hurting so bad you actually pass out in mid sen--
But it's nothing like the sadness i had expected to feel
i've known clinical depression since age 4
and that feeling of curling up in the fetal position
waving the white flag of surrender
trying to make yourself into the tiniest ball of nothing
But grief is a flammable substance
and you can feel it as it ignites the flame of your soul
it feels like being angry in a righteous way
like when jesus knocked over the flea market vendor's tables at the temple
like being so ******* at all of the scales that are inbalanced
and it is the fuel that makes you want to correct the injustices of the world
and become larger than you are
and shower love compassion and truth over evil
no one told me that grief feels like this
so i'm telling you

"The best memories are like overplayed mixtapes: they lose clarity and detail over time, yet they seem to sound better the older they get."*

We listen to the fourth round of Trois Gymnopedies
on our break from the second round of *******

Our limbs entwined, in part because we like it
partly because we're stuck together by sweat and--

The air is thick with scents foul and fragrant
as furniture music fills the gaps in between

Every breath stalls to anticipate the notes
fingers twitch slightly on the downbeat

Ten minutes ago, we made our own music
Ten minutes ago, we were in perfect harmony

She stares at the ceiling as I stare on her lips
I watch her mumble the lyrics Satie never wrote:

A pack of cigarettes,
a pack of cigarettes
Could you please buy from the store?*

We're taken over by uncontrollable laughter
as uncontrollable as the trembling when we came

She shifts to her side, and my arms are freed
I stand and pick my jeans from the floor

I take my time buttoning up my shirt,
soaking in the view before I run the errand

She lies naked still, as I put a jacket on
I leave on the fifth round of the Gymnopedie

(A Christmas Circular Letter)

The city had withdrawn into itself
And left at last the country to the country;
When between whirls of snow not come to lie
And whirls of foliage not yet laid, there drove
A stranger to our yard, who looked the city,
Yet did in country fashion in that there
He sat and waited till he drew us out
A-buttoning coats to ask him who he was.
He proved to be the city come again
To look for something it had left behind
And could not do without and keep its Christmas.
He asked if I would sell my Christmas trees;
My woods—the young fir balsams like a place
Where houses all are churches and have spires.
I hadn’t thought of them as Christmas Trees.
I doubt if I was tempted for a moment
To sell them off their feet to go in cars
And leave the ***** behind the house all bare,
Where the sun shines now no warmer than the moon.
I’d hate to have them know it if I was.
Yet more I’d hate to hold my trees except
As others hold theirs or refuse for them,
Beyond the time of profitable growth,
The trial by market everything must come to.
I dallied so much with the thought of selling.
Then whether from mistaken courtesy
And fear of seeming short of speech, or whether
From hope of hearing good of what was mine,
I said, “There aren’t enough to be worth while.”
“I could soon tell how many they would cut,
You let me look them over.”

“You could look.
But don’t expect I’m going to let you have them.”
Pasture they spring in, some in clumps too close
That lop each other of boughs, but not a few
Quite solitary and having equal boughs
All round and round. The latter he nodded “Yes” to,
Or paused to say beneath some lovelier one,
With a buyer’s moderation, “That would do.”
I thought so too, but wasn’t there to say so.
We climbed the pasture on the south, crossed over,
And came down on the north.
He said, “A thousand.”

“A thousand Christmas trees!—at what apiece?”

He felt some need of softening that to me:
“A thousand trees would come to thirty dollars.”

Then I was certain I had never meant
To let him have them. Never show surprise!
But thirty dollars seemed so small beside
The extent of pasture I should strip, three cents
(For that was all they figured out apiece),
Three cents so small beside the dollar friends
I should be writing to within the hour
Would pay in cities for good trees like those,
Regular vestry-trees whole Sunday Schools
Could hang enough on to pick off enough.
A thousand Christmas trees I didn’t know I had!
Worth three cents more to give away than sell,
As may be shown by a simple calculation.
Too bad I couldn’t lay one in a letter.
I can’t help wishing I could send you one,
In wishing you herewith a Merry Christmas.

i wish you could see him how i see him
in the early morning without my glasses
blurred around the edges
buttoning his shirt with eyes half-open
or with one hand on the steering wheel
focused mostly on the red light
but also on the garden caught
between the synapses in his mind
i wish you could see him how i see him
storm clouds tumbling in his eyes
also rolling overhead
and the mercury falls ten degrees
and the skies break and he pours out
and my cup runneth over
i wish you could see him how i see him
at once a child lost in the grocery store
and a king on horseback charging into battle
at once a boulder with moss on the north side
and a wet, ****** heart
i wish you could see him how i see him

My mom got me a pair
of blue jeans
I never used to wear
Buttoning and zipping
was a pain

Then we got a dress code
And jeans
Only,
I could wear
But not blue
Too casual

And so they sat forgotten
...
Until a few years later
In a rush
I grabbed something
to wear
and it was
...
...
...
My blue jeans

today you asked me if i had a lighter
sorry, not in this jacket
i was never able to get you to let go of your cigarettes
you tried though, you got to 52 days! (or 54)
but that's fine, it's just a bad habit
i understand

but me
i don't know if i should consider these bad habits
not bad unless i act on them

whenever i see you i want to run into your arms
i want to kiss you, i want to make you smile, laugh
but i can't
i quit those habits,
you made me quit

we caught the same bus on the way to school
you sat right in front of me
started fixing your hat...
no, let me do it
i wanted so bad to reach out and fix it for you,
i know i couldn't.
i had to keep my fingers busy so i wouldn't reach out and help
tears came to my eyes, i wanted so badly to help, but you don't want me
then there was your hood!
lopsided, wrinkled, it wasn't right
i had to fix it, i didn't
these habits, i have to quit

we were in class
you sat in front of me again
then moved beside a friend
i turned around
i looked at your hair
oh no, i had to fix it
it was so messy
so... weird
so... different
so long
let
me
fix
it

i can't give it up
these habits came along 11 months ago
how do i quit something like this
how do i quit showing my love

soon enough maybe someone will come along and catch the same habits
buttoning your jackets, shirts, pants, fixing your hair, fixing your hood, hats, fixing your trucks on your skateboard, fixing your rough hands, fixing your nasty elbows, massaging you, someone will fix you.

i couldn't fix you as much as i tried,
i can't fix myself either.
but that's what was good about us, we were both messy and broken and we still kept on loving each other

*then you left

there may be a time when I'm removed far enough

… but no, not today, today, I ask
new mercies, and
I recall, that's on auto. Hapsthappeneverday kinda thing.
Time after time.
That is a miracle, time.

Really smart
people, that class that feels included in the
we, the
people, politico-intellect-ism trend sect,
they think the math is there to prove

time is
what clocks do, (Royal Institute Youtube watch it)
                                                  
that we,
that ain't me, ye see, I got

removed far enough
to see the blurry
next res
bigger picture more pixels than an eye is said able to see

So for everlasting ideas,
like hell and
heaven,  

the re act
to my act is the power
to act. Eternal motion as perpetual
as can be imagined by mortals, for sure.

Get it together or you leave a huge hole in the fabric of reality JBP

play the role your hand finds dealt,
your special way,
words count inbetween the sayer/hearer
the idle wons are wins not worth the weight, don't fight
the value system that makes life spirial,
swirl of a wand, mathematically
bowing to magi
Fibbo, go viral
with my wind.

this is your life role,
the one in eight billion role.
the star of the show as the hero of hormone wars.
it's all in your head,

how did it *** there, howditgit
this way
this is crazy. No, you never saw crazy, old dude.

Ya had yo'own knows sparkin' at the grindstone,

whet the edge,
or put to more labor..

removed
far enough from this world

my bubble
is in it not of it,
… since 1970. No ****. Outathis world…

Crazy was the melding  from the sixties to…

I was thinking, to about the mid-eighties, but
now,
you and I, we travelled to the beat of several
different drums.
Olde dude,

If you put your nose to the grind, ******
you may have missed,
in fifty years,
more
than you imagined, now, is a new day time.

Some seed never sown back when, can be sown and
grown right,
now.
That's good.
I'd say some words I've helped be heard have

made the world some better'nitwas when we stopped.

time to roll.

Sisyphus, right. 'Never missed a trick time
it takes to roll the rock up,
then in between tick time
to roll the rock up,

onus minus the roll down, the unshackled wireless
inbetween shameless blameless
imagine
happy ever after…
How?
Pretend, the end.

Push, happy as hell.
tick, time
to roll the rock up,

Incorrectness of value of value from the gitgo,
like buttoning your shirt wrong from the first button,
as soon as you fix it, it's fixed.

Nothin' you can do?
Do nothin'.

Think, Sisyphus, happy

Happy he's not in that time we are so removed from
now
slow and steady kinda wins the race, she said that,

Ben or me? Where does the thread un-ravel?

Extended time model, Rogan in the back ground,
what myth has the fear factor guy,
a little short power-lifter-kick boxer guy,
some smart, quick of wit, a hunter,

who was asked, in Thailand,
Have you seen the true beauty of the elephant?
I was asked that, in Thailand,
by a saffroned monk at a kickboxing match
in the jungle in 1968.
Synchroni-city or what?

Who could steer it's  hearing
by a clock and fail

to hear the rhythm of the rock rolling down the hill,
inbetween
the tick…

Sisyphus says time is more effective,

if-ity-ish when,
and only then, when ticks hapt to be

at the very point of return
time
the roll back
no rush, no dread no worry, imagine

time ticks at the sharpest point of the story
at the very very very tippy top
point in time

defining you.
Shame, sticks to you like tar.
Marilyn and Monica and Marla and all

Fame to blame, to shame for being  a believer that
there may be a time when I'm removed far enough

to ignor my own ignorance and innocence
of ideas that possessed
fools

A murderous assault on your attention span,
musicals, those people really live near enough my bubble,
that I can find
ripples

from decades I missed, this is 2018, how can it get better?

The grand wizard cat. pop. elephants are so sweet,
dam,
rewound. Really,
cool, I know what he says next, it's funny before it's funny.

Today is a real good day to get away. Binging Rogan,
testing a mystery fruct-ification
of a single seed from
a sack 'shake.

----
As you move forward in time how do you measure

progress
lo-res thinking, 72 dpi 1984 Macintosh. Hello

now there is reality at the speed of thought, imagine

this was once the speed of thought.

===
why are you in pain? Do you know any lies you believe?
Do you
urge others to suspend their un-belief
to hear you think

listen
ridiculously (is that a good word)

listen, people become interesting, from a distance,
thank you,
I'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Don’t stand beside my grave crying. Walk away.
Wipe away those tears from your eyes.
I will always be near, I am here to stay.
Wherever you go I’ll hear your cries.

You will keep my memory alive,
For what your brain can’t, your heart will,
And it’s there that my spirit will thrive,
For after eternity I’ll be with you still.

In the morning when you open your eyes,
I will be beside you, buttoning my shirt.
When you gaze up at the starry night skies,
I’ll be gazing back until it doesn’t hurt.

When the soft snow is fresh and it’s too cold,
I will be beside you, keeping you warm.
When the rain is strong and umbrella old,
I will be there, helping you ride the storm.

Never stand by my grave crying.
For I never liked it when you cried,
And when I was in my bed, dying,
It was you that never left my side,
And because you kept my memory breathing,
I will never be there, because I never died.

"I Wasn't Ready" by J. Andre

As I was tying my shoes, buttoning my shirt, took my wallet just to be alert, 'cause we all know some girls like the money, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I put on my coat for courage to keep warm in this cold world, as I made sure my face looked pretty 'cause girls love guys who have beauty on the outside I've been told, I never knew I wasn't ready.

As I met her at the corner of the shopping mall with her outstanding beauty, LOL I'm using words my grade 1 teacher would grade me with, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I could see and hear all the warning signs:
"Stop!!"
"Don't go there!!"
"Warning!!"
"May become too dangerous!!"
Still, it didn't click to me, I never knew I wasn't ready.

I kept on persisting and chasing after her till she was my girl, me getting access through the danger zone would not only hurt me, but change me.
Not physically, but mentally.
Not fast, but slowly.

I changed from who I was to who I wasn't supposed to be. I couldn't take the burden unlike camels in the desert standing the burning, I knew I wasn't ready to be with someone who would change me and drive me to the pit of hell without my seat belt on..

But all I decided to do was stay, maybe because of the insecurities of this world.
No, because I had to make a decision quick that I hadn't taken a course for, I now knew, I wasn't ready..

She judges the men,

unbuttoning, buttoning –


and she keeps looking.

I want to talk about the sun and the way that your eyes looked beneath it. you're waiting to hear me say I'm sorry for letting you go the way that I did and I'm waiting to mean it. a man cries into his hands before buttoning his shirt and stepping outside. what is it about being that hurts us so badly?

I want to talk about the moon and how I lost myself to you beneath it. how many times did you touch me without laying a single finger on me? sometimes I lose myself to the thought of a family falling apart. I can't shake the feeling that the last hands I'll hold will be the ones to shatter my heart.

I want to talk about the stars and how I named every single one after you. there are two little girls, one a year older than the other, wrapping their arms around each other beneath the blanket to block out the sound of a marriage deteriorating. how many broken dishes until they decide they're better off apart?

I want to talk about the sky and the way that you made me appreciate it. sometimes I can feel you everywhere and sometimes I can't even bring myself to remember the color of your eyes. a mother tells her daughter that she's better off alone because hurting is inevitable. is it her fault that she tore apart every relationship that ever came her way?

I want to talk about being alive and how you found that to hurt the most.

how many times can we pull in just to pull away before we physically can't anymore? sometimes you would look at me like it was the last time. sometimes, when you would say goodnight, it would feel a whole lot like goodbye. maybe I can't let go of you because your last goodnight sounded the most real. maybe I can't let go of you because you have a piece of me that I need.

there's a woman on a train, her body trembling from her head to her toes, because she found her partner wrapped up in somebody else. the man sitting across from her watches her hands the entire ride. before the train comes to a complete stop, he leans over and meets her eyes. he thinks that he drowns. when she's gone, he finds a torn up picture on her seat. he wants to know what happened. he wants to know that she will make it home tonight. he wants to know if, somewhere, her heart still exists.

I broke my wrist trying to hold onto you. no matter how hard you would tug, no matter how hard you would pull, I locked my fingers between yours because I found a home in your vacancy. I can't count how many times you told me to let you go, how many times you meant it before I finally did. what is it about staying that hurts more than leaving?

"listen," an older woman tells her, "your heart was made to be broken."

I can't figure out if it's better to lie or stay quiet. when you ask me if I ever loved you, I look away. you ask me to be honest. I can't figure out if it's better to lie or stay quiet.

a boy finds his other half lying on a cold, tiled floor. an empty bottle, her fingertips wrapped loosely around it, and uneven breaths fleeing the lips that he found a home in the first time that she allowed him to. she broke the mirror behind her. there is broken glass and broken hearts and a broken existence. he can feel how far she is. she's wearing a temporary tattoo that says YOUR HEART WAS MADE TO BE BROKEN.

you were created to be loved.

I want to talk about the universe and how it took me to you.

I want to talk about the universe and how it tore us apart.

I want to talk about you.

I want to talk about the rest of them.

you were created to be loved.

We talked about the dance,
she said. Is that all? Yes,
well she did mention that
her man was late home

from work sometimes
and she misses him
before she has to leave
for the dance show,

but that's all. I see,
Fred said. Nellie looked
at him, brushed her hair.
Her dancing is faltering,

Nellie said. As if she
had other things on her
mind. What other things?
he asked. How do I know?

She didn't say. Unless she
thinks her man is cheating
on her? Do you think he is?
Fred said. He's the type who

would, Nellie said. What's
the type who would? I don't
know, but you can tell, there's
something about him gives

me the creeps. Women's
intuition? he said. You could
say that, she said. How comes
she doesn't have that intuition,

too? Fred said. She's in love with
him, love blinds, she said.
What are you dancing, tonight?
he asked. Swam Lake, she said.

She finished brushing her hair
and poured him a scotch and ice
and prepared to leave. He watched
her as she put on her coat, her

fingers buttoning up, her eyes
watching her hands in action,
her tongue poking over her
lower lip.  He lifted his glass

of scotch, studied her ankles,
and had a long slow sip.

I don't understand you, boy,
with your billy goat beard and
fishing pole. Munching on that raw ear
of corn, as if proud of that haul
of laundry, you just reeled in
at your feet. The trench coat you are
buttoning is making everyone nervous,
but I am more curious. How did you
find yourself in this city? On this
train? And how can you look, so
confident, when you are so, out
of place? I envy you, boy.

A feeling of cold leaves my body
Flowing away as I step to the counter
Just an extra large English Toffee please
Quick, something warm!

Sure, it might not be that cold outside
But I still need my morning hit
Of that sweet ****-coloured liquid
We've all come to call coffee

Could I get a refill?
Guy behind the counter just stares incredulously
At me, the customer no less
Caffeine doesn't jitter me

Cool wisps of steam rising from the cup
And the sweet aromatic scent however,
Jolts more shivers up my spine
Than any lover could

If you could choose any object to marry
Pick coffee right away, wouldn't you?
Don't get me wrong, I'd love going down on that
But we shouldn't have to pay for love

Having to gingerly leave it on the counter
Nothing sadder to look at but an empty cup
Buttoning up your jacket
Stepping outside

My tears fill the well that was designed for them.
Soon traveling down my cheeks and chin.
As creeks or streams might allow a mountain's rainy day runoff,
To gently pass over stone.
Triggered by a scent, a sound, a thought,
A dagger like sting from a memory of,
What could have been.
Perhaps the fearful gaze upon a future
That may lay ahead.

And so they fall.
Dying my eyes red.
In silence, I try to gather my thoughts,
Odd for someone whose thoughts
Placed him in this predicament
And as I stack them.
Neatly. I might add.
The breeze of your memory knocks them to the floor.
Again.
Because this has happened before.

You have done this to me once again.
This time your presence wasn't even necessary.
To cause this cascade of solemnity.
But I realize that sadness,
Isn't what I endure.
Rather reflection,
Similar to the one emerging on the countertop,
Under my chin
That grows with every drip and drop,
Grants that sadness has left me,
But each memory's searing pain
Doses me with lonely regret of squandered opportunity.
Which stabs at my heart.

The dripping soon subsides,
And with face stained scarlet.
I wipe away the remnants
Of my rainfall.
From face and counter.
And prepare the shielded smile.
That has protected me,
Since you left.
I prepare my next joke
Buttoning it from intro to punchline
Hoping that it garners a laugh.
So that, even if vicariously,
I can smile.

Looking around the room
Buttoning your jacket tight
Feeling the frustration in your palms
As you try to write,
Is the same as it is in life,
Clawing at the brick walls
With your delicate fingers
Hoping to find a way out
And you bleed and cry
An aching body is all you own
The room is dancing a waltz
Not much you can do
Then, the air becomes thin
A loud airplane flies over your head
The only thing you can do
Is just walk through it
Hoping it survives on the other end
Your only tool?
Is remembering everything
You have taught yourself up till now

There she sits:
adorned in pearls,
her black curls, laughing.
The women, envious.
The men, entranced.
Her image,
stained in red.

There she kneels:
her master, leaving;
his hand sore,
her face weaker.
He leaves.
His fist,
stained in red.

There she lays:
another day's work, finished.
The man, buttoning his shirt.
Enters his wife
screaming away passion.
Their life together,
stained in red.

There she weeps:
the troubles of the world,
****** onto her shoulders.
She is *****,
unwanted by all.
A once beautiful creature.
The harlot,
stained in red.

I started
buttoning
my clothes,
hugging them
as though
cold.

A Judge, once noted for his lack of compassion
Found when sentencing crooks, he’d a passion!
When sitting on the Bench, he was permitted -
Appropriate to misdemeanour committed-
To administer punishment to fit the crime!

With his court full of petty crooks that first day -
Thieves, robbers, swindlers! All found to their dismay,
He would show no mercy!  He could not be swayed!
Once declared, their sentence was never stayed!
Though he would allow them to make their plea!

On his first morning, after he opened court,
He would give judgement on each case brought,
Then once proved beyond a shadow of doubt,
He’d carefully mete apt punishment out,
To each prisoner that came into the dock!

First to come ‘up’, was a ‘known’ lawbreaker!
Though a skilled and ‘rising’  craftsman baker
He’d been caught ‘loafing’ with counterfeit ‘dough’!
Evidence was brought. Police ‘kneaded’ to show
The Court, he never did a thing half ‘baked!’

His legs shackled, - which was no surprise,
Was quickly found Guilty, then told to ‘rise’
So this first crook, a very unhappy wretch
Was sent to ‘Leavenworth’ for a long stretch!
Given five years incarceration, for his crime!

A carpenter was the next to be jailed.
Evidence shown was quite ‘plane’!  When ‘nailed’
By the local Cops, they ‘saw’ he had ‘awl’
The loot he’d ‘chiselled’ from a shopping mall.
The Jury  ‘panel saw’ he’d not got it ‘square’!

So it ‘augered’ ill for the carpenter’s fears
When the Judge ‘ruled’,  ‘free board’ for six years!
This cracked the ‘veneer’ he’d worn though the trial.
For prison ‘drill’ would soon wipe away his smile!
Once ‘clamped’ in irons, with others he ‘filed’ away!

The Butcher was next to find himself in a jamb
He’d sold ‘scrag ends’ for ‘prime’ and mutton for lamb!
When the bare ‘bones’ of his case, were fleshed out,
That he was in the ‘soup’, there was no doubt!
While the police asked that he be sent for the ‘chop’!

The Judge declared the punishment he’d ‘meat’ out
Would break the Butcher’s ‘links’ with crime, and had no doubt.
He’d never ‘carve’ his way out of the ‘joint’!
Without ‘mincing’ words, he ‘skewered’ each point
Explaining his ‘beef’.  He was in a proper ‘stew’!

When Police ‘cottoned’ on to a ‘shoddy’ scam
They caught a tailor, ‘embroidering’ a monogram.
‘Patterned’ after that of a famous fashion designer.
Smuggled out in the ‘seam’ of a jacket ‘liner’
This ‘needled’ the Judge, who, with some ‘zip’

And some ‘bias’, ‘felt’ he should practice ‘needlecraft’,
“Stitching’ mailbags for the post office. Hard graft
For a man who had ‘satin’ comfort for a long time.
But ‘fitting’ punishment for a ‘reel’ bad crime!
He praised the  police for ‘buttoning’ up this case!

When Police ‘forked’ over newly ‘dug’ earth
Their ‘spadework’ ‘dug up’ ‘planted’ goods worth
A fortune .  ‘Raking’ through the ‘compost heap’.
‘Embedded’ by a gardener, were, buried deep,
‘Silver Bells’ and a gold chain! This ‘chain, linked’

‘Fences’ to crooks who stole goods on demand.
He’d ‘staked’ all on being put on remand.
But the Judge said I ‘dig’ your kind! ‘Turn over’
A new ‘leaf.  Mould’ and mend your ways.  Moreover
‘Perennial’ felons! Are ‘rooted’ in their ways!

So, ‘till’ you ‘turn over’ your loot and repent,
You’re ‘grounded’! It seems you’re an ‘annual’ event !
You tell me that with this crime, you’ve been ‘framed’,
But I’m sure you’ve not been unjustly blamed!
Five years in a ‘glasshouse’ to sleep in a ‘raised bed’ !

Next, a Furrier and his girl - a sly ‘minx,’
Who went too ‘fur’ when they ‘stole’ a ‘lynx’
A ‘foxy’ pair!  Of this, there was no doubt!
‘Trapped’ in a Police ‘cloak’ and dagger stakeout
They were loaded with ‘pelts’ when caught

Now the Judge, whose ‘ermine’ robes shook with rage
Said the only cure for this type of outrage,
Was to ‘stretch’ them on the ‘rack’, and ‘tan’ their ‘hides’.
This he ‘felt’ would be ‘fitting’ !  Though his insides
Told him he should send them away!  ‘Furbelow’!

A cobbler, without a ‘sole’!  A ‘ low heel’,
This ‘snob’ with an ‘Oxford Brogue’ had a zeal
For stealing! Not the ‘last’ incarcerated.
He was caught ‘legging’ it, while inebriated
His ‘cleats’ leaving ‘patent’ clues to see!

Wearing ‘rubbers’ he’d work in gloves and ‘spats’
Stealing mainly from apartments and ‘flats’
He was down on his ‘uppers’, quite destitute.
When caught with his heavy bag of loot.
A ‘slippery’ customer if ever there was one!

A ‘dandy’ with a ‘black belt’ in Karate!
Was sent by the Judge to a ‘necktie’ party.
He’d killed a haberdasher, without passion -
He complained it was ‘knot’ the current fashion!
But he could  ‘hang’ around until it returned!

Sentences varied but all were most apt.
Strong men turned deathly pale when his gavel rapped!
By sentences received, none were less enamoured,
Than a crooked auctioneer, who got ‘hammered’!
For ‘knocking down’ ‘lots’ ‘under bid’ to himself!

Crook followed crook in quick succession,
Making quite an impressive procession,
As each took his turn in the prisoner’s dock,
He’d turn and face the courtroom clock,
Under which the Judge sat, with solemn face!

The Judge went down in history that day,
With sentences most apt!  What more can we say?
His procedures quickly made the front page,
And soon appropriate penalties were all the rage!
Except for those of the criminal class!

This punishment proved to be a deterrent.
More so, if they were set to run concurrent!
As for waiting crooks, from Con Artist to thief,
When he adjourned court, they sighed with relief!
Hoping they’d get a more lenient Judge later!

Rhymer April 18th, 2018.
Sorry, it's tad long, but I got carried away!  Lol.

i wake up in the middle of the night with
the ghost of god pressing his hand
against my face, buttoning my collar too
tight and telling me to smile even though
i cannot breathe. there are those who
look to him for mercy, but i know the
truth--he is a trickster, a jester, and he
makes me the fool. he supplants self-
worth with loneliness; he holds up your
desires up to let the light shine through
them, so that you see all you ever wanted
become translucent and frail, bloodless
veins in full view, twitching in an effort to
live again.

sometimes, i still beg him, i still fall to my
knees and clasp my hands together, a
tableau of faith. i ask him to spare me,
the words thin and metallic on my tongue,
needles swimming with the diseases of all
those who used them before me. i put all
my chips on the table, bartering this and
that for the simple feeling of being whole.
but in the end, i am left with nothing but
a shadow and a doubt, wondering why i
let myself have any hope when i know
how easily it can turn from lifeline to
anchor.

i have held my heart out and watched as
the devil feasted on it, spitting it out again
and showing me love-stained teeth. my
dreams are choked with desire and fear,
the sunlight is bleached black by my dread
of yet another day.

there is passion trapped in the heat of my
skin, bravery caught on the tips of my
teeth, but i cannot possibly pretend that
i have any strength left. god knows i am
finished; i have lost my words in floods
and torrents, i am scraping along the
furrows of my mind just for one more
verse. if i have lost you, tell me, what
sort of loving god would take this from
me, too?

We were on the bomb site
off Meadow Row
Helen was re clothing
her doll Battered Betty

I was looking for small stones
for my catapult

over the way
by the coal wharf
coal men were loading up
the trucks
and horse drawn wagons

these clothes
have just about had it
she said
buttoning up
Betty's dress
at the back

Mum said she'd look for more
at the jumble sale
but Dad's not earning
as much at present
as he was off sick
she added  
sitting Betty
in an upright position

Helen was wearing
a dull grey dress
and white ankle socks
her thick lens glasses
made her eyes appear
larger than a were

I’ll ask my mother
if she can knit some
she's good at knitting
I said

maybe if I show her
she will know the size
Helen said

I picked up a handful
of small stones
and put them
in my trouser pocket

hope you're not
going to fire them at birds?
she said

no tin cans or bottles
I said
sometimes I stand tins
on top of each other
then shoot them off
one by one if I can

a boy near where I live
shoots birds
with his catapult
she said

I shot at a rat
on our balcony
the other week
I said
missed it
but it took off afterwards

she picked up Betty
and said
where we going?

let's go to the herbalist
and get some sarsaparilla
I said

and a liquorice stick too?
she asked

sure we will
I said
showing her the 1/-
my mother gave me
for doing chores

so we walked off
the bomb site
and across the New Kent Road
and down by
the railway station
towards the herbalist shop

she with her doll

and me with my catapult
sticking out
of my back pocket
and a pocketful
of small stones

she with her brown hair
in plaits

and me with my hair
plastered with Brylcreem

me thinking of seeing
a new cowboy film

she with her own
dolls house dream.

in c sharp minor you're pulling on your wrinkled shirt,
slight blue pinstripes clawing at your shoulders,
breath escaping your mouth
dolente dolcissimo,
hands slowly buttoning from the top down,
fingertips reading beatific notation
as if each callus could savor it but once.

The upward curve of your lips
Framed in a bristled haze of
Eternal stubble. Long fingered
Beautiful hands. Sure and gentle
Buttoning those stiff collared shirts
With the stripes you always wear
Except to bed. How do I say how I
Love your thick hair and your scent?
Can I express how good it feels to lay
In your arms and feel those gorgeous fingers
Splayed on my back. Or how eagerly you wake me
In the morning, when its still grey outside.
And how you make fun of me when I throw
Flat rocks. Spending all my time finding the perfect one
When you can skip any stone you pick up,
And count the skips just so you can
Say that you’ve thrown more.
Holding my hand and running through the woods
Those manhole covers
Were too heavy to take home.
And you became home. For four days.
I saw your smile
And noticed it was crooked and loved it all the more.

******* slowly
Time close
to me,
hanging on
my side,
the side I kept
my tattoo.
                                    Buttoning quickly
                                       Tying my shoes,
                                              laced in fear
                                                 &uncertainty.
                                      
                                   A few hours
                                      away from thinking
                                         about who I love


              (My own personal bomb),
  

                                                                                    ...thinking of you.