But I'm not a disaster,
I might be a withering flower
And dying out of air
Begging for you to let me go
Trying to choke my own lungs.

Maybe, I'll cry myself to sleep again tonight,
Or put on a nice dress just to see
If it could bring myself back to the life
I wanted.

Scared, lonely
Bitter and broken.

Screaming..

But I know that
Every tears I've dropped,
Every words I've said,
Every whisper I've spoken,
And every mistakes I've done,
They do not describe me; not at all.

So, I might be missing some parts of myself
But I know,
I am not a disaster.

Stop that.
Stop thinking that I'm still looking for your eyes in the crowd.
Stop reminiscing everything that we've been through together
Stop thinking about how I'd still fell for you even when you're with her.

Stop every little things you do to make me feel like I haven't grown apart from you,
Like I've never written a hundred poems
And burned them in the pile of all our memories.
Stop making me feel like everything I did to kept you away from me wasn't enough to even let me breathe easily, to get any clear air into my lungs.
Stop making me feel defeated, again.

I am not weak anymore
I will not stand down for you
I'm not going to ******* call you again in another 4 months.
****, please let me move on from a life without storms and hurricanes, without rain and sickening sunshines, please let me live without *you

Maybe next year, the fire inside of me will burn out and I'll see that the sky is clear even when I'm not with you. Maybe later, I'll stop screaming out your name whenever I got drunk and maybe then I'll realize that you had always been poisoning my lungs.

Maybe, maybe I will stop letting you in. Maybe I can stop romanticizing the harmful things you did to me, maybe.. Maybe then I'll start feeling better. Maybe then I won't feel like I'm going to die.

The best magic trick happens in the rain.

I saw a ghost today, he was small and got wrapped around with a big smile on his face. His face was light blue and he screamed like poetry but talk like song. His eyes were always shining with the soul inside him that begged for him to let go—he was staring too much at me until I stopped feeling scared and went away to let him go.

I saw a demon too today. It was red and angry, it was anxious and scared, it was beautiful then not. The demon told me that it never hated anyone the way it hated me, the demon told me that I was too poetic and kind and pure, unlike it. The demon decided to leave me under the thundering sky and the dark ocean, it wanted to **** my candylike heart, it wanted to stop its suffering.

But oh God, I saw an angel today. His smile was the brightest and kindest I've ever seen since that sunset 2 years ago, his cheeks were sweet pink and I kissed his peppermint mouth like a thirsty vampire begging for blood. His smell was soft and calming and I want that kind of aura to touch me all over again.

But after I let go of the ghost, the demon, and the angel—I met you.
I met you after the storms, the hurricane, the thunderstorm and the sunset. I met you when it was frozen and the leaves were falling and trying to reach the ground. I met you when all I could see was tears and angry eyes and broken hearts. I saw you when I was hopeless, I saw you in the rain.

The best magic trick happens in the dark,
As us, we were hidden beneath the table and under the sheets. We were quiet and we kept it as secrets, and not a single word we could say about how we felt those days. We stared at each other more than we ever counted the stars and oh God astrology was your favorite subject. There weren't any "us" but there were a lot of "you&i;'s" and we were still trying to let things go because you were very in love with your angel.
And her,

And she never kissed your neck and apologized for the marks she made. And she
And she never thought of you like the ocean she once lived there, and she
And she never tried to hug you so tight because she wanted to hide the pain she got in her sstomach and let your warmth made her feel safe,
And she never tried to push you with the truths and choke your mouth with her tears and suicide notes and she never tried to hold you in her arms
And for God's sake
She never fell for you
And she never loved you as much as I did
She never left you because she was never scared to hurt you
And she
And she wasn't me.

The best thing happens in the rain, and now we're soaked with your trembling feet on the road and my hands holding you up so you won't fall. Look, you're still reaching for her, "What are you doing? You'll fall" I said. "It's the right thing to do, to love her. It's the good thing to do, I love her" you answered.
And she looks at you with worries on her face.
"You can go with her but I'll carry you everywhere" I said again, you cry. "Please leave, I need you and that's not the right thing to do" and you cut off my hands and let yourself drown in the streets.

But I
But I loved you when it was frozen and the leaves were falling and trying to reach the ground. And her, she loves you when it was frozen and the leaves are falling on top of your lifeless body.

As us,
The best magic trick happens in the rain.

And I still don't know how to start this.

Do you remember the first time we met? Your eyes couldn't stop staring at mine, wondering why the hell did I try so hard to get to know you. I kept talking until you told me that listening to my thoughts was the best thing you've experienced since that day your mom decided to left your father. I smiled and we kept ourselves that way for months.

Do you still remember our first real fight? You cursed at me so much that I swore hell is nothing but an empty space in a mad man's mouth. I cried too hard to even let a single air got into my lungs and I ended up laying unconscious on the floor. You held me tightly until the pain seems so unreal to believe in.

Now, do you still remember the first day you left? You told me you didn't want to and you kept on saying you love me, you love me, you loved me, and I couldn't cry anymore because my heart was already broken and I just nodded and kissed you. We kissed for more than every minute we'd spent and I swear I would erase that moment if I knew how you still would end up leaving me.

And I still don't know if this pain would end. I'm remain clueless and ailing and God you're not here to ease me anymore and I need to start realizing that you were always the cause of my pain.

oh, who am i kidding
to be breathless
and frozen,
to be statued
and unbroken,
to be loved
and careable,
is everything that i want.

to die,
is everything that i want.

to be dead,
is all i am.

sunday, december.

the wind blows up my hair
it's making the breeze goes
up to my neck.
if i shall ever close my eyes
the snowflakes will try
too hard to keep it closed
forever

darling, january will start soon
are you hiding? do you care at all?
are you creeping behind the wooden
door and watch as the world burns
down?
because i do. i care about
the year that passes.
the seconds, the minutes,
the hours we spent together
just 24 hours ago
what happened?

i cried
you lied
we fought
i did this, right?
the cats are chasing for fresh meat.

i screamed like a possessed child
like a drunk man without a wife
like the sun without its light
but that was a year ago


monday, january

i used to see you every morning
on this day, you would walk around
the hallways and made fun of
our science teacher.

you would see me and
rolled your eyes
or maybe
just stared for billions of minutes
until you had to look away
because, well, my eyes
had taken over your heart
more than
her words did.

but that was last year.

i cringe every time i hear your
dark and beautiful and flawless
name

and i hide every time i smell your
cigarettes and wine perfume
or ketchup and cigarettes and beer
perfume.

this year

you wont call me yours
i wont call you mine
we wont be staring again
we wont be visible again
we wont dare to hate
we wont be in love
we wont care for each other
we will be nothing.

this year, starting.
i see your face in the crowd and ask,
"do i know him? does he still know me?"
you glance.

God, everything is blurry.
My voice is echoing in my own mind.
I remember when i told her i love you
She was crying, i was too
I told her, that i will never call you again,
I was wrong. God, i missed you.

I want you to call me now
I want you to need me.
I want you here, i want you laughing with me.
I WANT TO SCREAM!
I missed you too much.. and it's only been a day since i left you.
Oh God, everything is blurry.
And i'm falling
I'm falling
Again and
Again
And
You
Aren't
Here
With me.


*AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart's been broken
The story ended
On how a misspoken
Word cannot be translated.

I couldn't say that I loved you first
Nor could I say that I loved you last
And now I'm planning things I shouldn't do
Like saying, that I hated you too?

So, just ignore the bad words here
My mind is already ****** up
The cusses were once holy too
But the people kept messing things up.

So I never had the time to say:
"I'm ******* in love with your demon soul"
I was craving for pleasure
Begging for blood, more specifically.
I said I was in pain! No, no. I am the pain

So just die in a hole
Let the worms eat you
Let me touch you
I wanna be alone
I want you to be here with me
I want you to die
I want you to kiss me
I want you to fall, hardly.

*I want you to stay.

i know that the sun is hurting
but the moon will always be there
to cover her scars and i know
that you'll always be here
for me
too
until
i die
and until you
start to
live.

I watch their footsteps
I listen to their laughs
Sometimes I wonder why
They keep joking about love.

I walk into the classroom
The boys are being rude
The girls are gossiping
Sometimes I wonder if
I fit in here.

I sit on the desk, preparing myself
The teacher comes in
He looks very tired, like I'm
Sometimes I wonder if
He wants to die--like I'd.

I start the exam, numbers are running inside my head
I look around to see if everyone's noticing
I look down at the paper and
Pull out a pencil from
the pencil case and
Stab my throat.

While the blood are rushing on my shirt
and down to my legs
I wonder why
They keep joking about love.

last night i dreamed of you
even though we've stopped loving
since that day on December
i still think of you as a perfectly blooming flower
just waiting, and waiting to be picked
and i knew that you were scared of your thorns
and i knew that i was going to let you tore me.

yesterday i met you again
you were smiling, didn't think that i was going to hate you
you were happy
you told me that you were happy, you told me that
she made you that way.

today i call you
i say your name out loud
my tongue is bleeding
my hands are trembling
my heart was breaking
you're here, in front of me
your eyes aren't twitching, they don't even blink.

you're smiling, letting me in like the first time
i know i'm foolish for entering you once more
but i know that
our song
will just keep
going around, and around
until our voices are numb, and lifeless
until our bones turn into stones
until you and me are us again.

One, two, three
He walks in
Like a burning rose with
Icy flames
Making my head burns
And freezes my eyes
Looking at him.

Four, five, six
He caught my staring
And smiles sweetly
His voice trembles, saying
"Hello, what's up?"

Seven, eight, nine
I hold my breath as hard as I can
Wanting to scream
On how much he made me feel
Of a single hello
Could made me think of nothing
But making him my
Golden cage.

Ten.
He claps his hands
And walks away
And talks about
How my eyes froze
At him.
Looking
At
Him.

I forgot what it's like
To love someone so deeply
Until I met you.

It wasn't like this
'Til the very second you pronounce your name
Like a perfectly blooming flower on the spring's sky.

I realized too
In that moment of seconds
That love isn't the cleverest thing I should ever feel
In my messed up mind.

I forgot
That the last time I fell for someone
I cried myself to sleep and try so hard to be beautiful
Until he didn't like me at all.

And I hate to know
That you will probably
Do that to me too.

As we meet again
In the autumn evening
When my heart starts to fall
And your heart starts to wither
And your eyes spark like moonlit
And my breath as cold as the evening dew.

I sing my song to you at last,
With all it's ups and downs and sads.
He stands near me and stares,
Through me he stares.

We look at each other for more minutes than we ever had
The way you look at the sunset going down the earth
Like you wonder, what should we do after
The sun stops rising.

Finally, he ruffled my hair
And kisses my forehead.
And sings his last song of me.
We walk away quietly, with teardrops in our footpath.
Like the sun and the moon
Like the dark and the light
And the black and the white.
Like the little blue bird that's out of her golden cage
But is too scared to lose her wings
And she would rather live in a prison
With everything that will break her from her insides
Than live out there without it.
Without *him

For a moment
Everything was frozen
The world stopped moving
And the time stopped clocking
And my mind had finally stopped thinking.

You were there
I was here
We were us
And we were one.

Fairy tales aren't what we need
Nightmares aren't real
Dreams are just dreams.

And for that moment of time
I actually thought
That you're going to be mine.

I watched as you go
Leaving footsteps on my path of woe
Whatever do you mean
By the "how are you's" that you spoke?

The cards of desperation are sent
And are now left in the dark inside me
Where ever you went
You were always there beside me.

Oh, what a silly poetry you made
Out of a thousand vows in this world
That should be said in the holiness of yours
You pick mine
My "I love you dearly, my dear."

Oh, what a silly boy you are
How could you ever said sorry to me?
You shouldn't, I insist.
At least we had our "we"
Before we had our "were".

It's my fault, it's truly is my fault.
To fall, for someone like you.
To die, for being beside your
Cold, dead, lifeless, beautiful soul.

I'm sorry..
I'm sorry..
*I'm sorry..

You
Tore apart
All of our memories
Inside your kingdom
Of thoughts.

You
Broke the promises
of an "I love you's" we had
And push them down
Into the dark void
We once filled.

You
Spoke the words
That meant the world
To my lifeless life
And pulled them inside your mouth
Again
While I fell down the floor
And crash into a million pieces.

And you
Wondered
Why I hate you so much
And why
I always love you
For that?

Your thoughts of me
Are unspoken
And are understand
By me.

Please,
*i want you to know that i do
i do
i do hate you
i do
love you

Untitled, unseen, unspoken words,
Untouchable, unlovable, and unrecognizable
By you.

When I was a child
I was scared to go to the bathroom alone
I was scared of the cold thin air
And the frozen drops of water.
I slept with my blanket
Tucked under my body
Because I was afraid that the monsters
Will pull it down my bed.
Oh, how i was afraid
Of the dark that comes after me
In every corner of my cold bedroom.
And the rain that stroke
Majestic lightnings that cracked up
The dark, lonely, and infinite sky.

And, oh, how ironic it is
That all of my fears are gone
And are change by an obsession.

I like the cold frozen water
Running through my body
Trying to escape
Making me feel warmer than my iced skin.
I love how the monsters are trying to
Pull me down
And try to help me to get out of this
Cruel, cruel world.
I adore the dark
That keeps me away from being seen
And makes me feel safe.
And, oh, the rain.
The beautiful drops of water
From nowhere
Cleaning my hateful and wicked body
Saving me from myself.

Funny,
The only thing that hasn't change about me
Is how much I truly
Hatefully
Love you.

when i first met you
i was scared of your warm skin
that touched my frozen hands.
your voice melted into my ears,
and make your "hey" sounded so
beautiful in every way.

we talked about everything since then.
i still remember how your voice sang
about her.
your voice were screaming into my ears
hoping, begging me to help you.
"I want her to stay" you said.
"I want you to stay" i whispered.

odd.
i never actually told you
how much i wanted you
to stay.
how much it hurts me
to listen to your songs.

today,
i told you the truth
"but i don't care.. i still love you" i said
i don't.
because you told me
that you will always love her
and that you'll hate yourself
for that.

"I understand" i said. "I hate you"
I don't.

You smile, I twitch.
You laugh, I hold my breath.
You cry, I die.

Everything you do
Will keep tearing me apart.
Softly, I fell.
Why do you have to
Break me once again?

The ground beneath my feet is shaking
The blood is running through my veins
The coldness has taken over my body
I'm sorry, my friend
For that I have been leaving everybody.

The birds sing
After the darkness has appear
Even the sun loves it
When I disappear.

He stops talking
And letting out
A sigh of relief.
Even my loved ones is happy
When I leave him.

Now the sun shines warmly
And the birds sing happily
And the man is smiling softly
Why should I bother
To breathe
Hardly?
Why should I live
When everyone is happy?

I'm sorry, my friend
For that I
Need to be happy,
Too.