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Sandra Feb 2016
But I'm not a disaster,
I might be a withering flower
And dying out of air
Begging for you to let me go
Trying to choke my own lungs.

Maybe, I'll cry myself to sleep again tonight,
Or put on a nice dress just to see
If it could bring myself back to the life
I wanted.

Scared, lonely
Bitter and broken.


But I know that
Every tears I've dropped,
Every words I've said,
Every whisper I've spoken,
And every mistakes I've done,
They do not describe me; not at all.

So, I might be missing some parts of myself
But I know,
I am not a disaster.
Maybe I'm close to it though, ha.
Sandra Feb 2016
Stop that.
Stop thinking that I'm still looking for your eyes in the crowd.
Stop reminiscing everything that we've been through together
Stop thinking about how I'd still fell for you even when you're with her.

Stop every little things you do to make me feel like I haven't grown apart from you,
Like I've never written a hundred poems
And burned them in the pile of all our memories.
Stop making me feel like everything I did to kept you away from me wasn't enough to even let me breathe easily, to get any clear air into my lungs.
Stop making me feel defeated, again.

I am not weak anymore
I will not stand down for you
I'm not going to ******* call you again in another 4 months.
****, please let me move on from a life without storms and hurricanes, without rain and sickening sunshines, please let me live without *you
God, I know I would always love you but I'm done trying. I don't want you in my life again, sorry Love.
Sandra Dec 2015
Maybe next year, the fire inside of me will burn out and I'll see that the sky is clear even when I'm not with you. Maybe later, I'll stop screaming out your name whenever I got drunk and maybe then I'll realize that you had always been poisoning my lungs.

Maybe, maybe I will stop letting you in. Maybe I can stop romanticizing the harmful things you did to me, maybe.. Maybe then I'll start feeling better. Maybe then I won't feel like I'm going to die.
I can't do it now though, your name still whispers inside my head and you keep appearing in my dreams. It's okay, maybe someday I'll forget about you.
Sandra Oct 2015
The best magic trick happens in the rain.

I saw a ghost today, he was small and got wrapped around with a big smile on his face. His face was light blue and he screamed like poetry but talk like song. His eyes were always shining with the soul inside him that begged for him to let go—he was staring too much at me until I stopped feeling scared and went away to let him go.

I saw a demon too today. It was red and angry, it was anxious and scared, it was beautiful then not. The demon told me that it never hated anyone the way it hated me, the demon told me that I was too poetic and kind and pure, unlike it. The demon decided to leave me under the thundering sky and the dark ocean, it wanted to **** my candylike heart, it wanted to stop its suffering.

But oh God, I saw an angel today. His smile was the brightest and kindest I've ever seen since that sunset 2 years ago, his cheeks were sweet pink and I kissed his peppermint mouth like a thirsty vampire begging for blood. His smell was soft and calming and I want that kind of aura to touch me all over again.

But after I let go of the ghost, the demon, and the angel—I met you.
I met you after the storms, the hurricane, the thunderstorm and the sunset. I met you when it was frozen and the leaves were falling and trying to reach the ground. I met you when all I could see was tears and angry eyes and broken hearts. I saw you when I was hopeless, I saw you in the rain.

The best magic trick happens in the dark,
As us, we were hidden beneath the table and under the sheets. We were quiet and we kept it as secrets, and not a single word we could say about how we felt those days. We stared at each other more than we ever counted the stars and oh God astrology was your favorite subject. There weren't any "us" but there were a lot of "you&i;'s" and we were still trying to let things go because you were very in love with your angel.
And her,

And she never kissed your neck and apologized for the marks she made. And she
And she never thought of you like the ocean she once lived there, and she
And she never tried to hug you so tight because she wanted to hide the pain she got in her sstomach and let your warmth made her feel safe,
And she never tried to push you with the truths and choke your mouth with her tears and suicide notes and she never tried to hold you in her arms
And for God's sake
She never fell for you
And she never loved you as much as I did
She never left you because she was never scared to hurt you
And she
And she wasn't me.

The best thing happens in the rain, and now we're soaked with your trembling feet on the road and my hands holding you up so you won't fall. Look, you're still reaching for her, "What are you doing? You'll fall" I said. "It's the right thing to do, to love her. It's the good thing to do, I love her" you answered.
And she looks at you with worries on her face.
"You can go with her but I'll carry you everywhere" I said again, you cry. "Please leave, I need you and that's not the right thing to do" and you cut off my hands and let yourself drown in the streets.

But I
But I loved you when it was frozen and the leaves were falling and trying to reach the ground. And her, she loves you when it was frozen and the leaves are falling on top of your lifeless body.

As us,
The best magic trick happens in the rain.
Thankyou for leaving me
My hands were getting tired.
Sandra Jul 2015
And I still don't know how to start this.

Do you remember the first time we met? Your eyes couldn't stop staring at mine, wondering why the hell did I try so hard to get to know you. I kept talking until you told me that listening to my thoughts was the best thing you've experienced since that day your mom decided to left your father. I smiled and we kept ourselves that way for months.

Do you still remember our first real fight? You cursed at me so much that I swore hell is nothing but an empty space in a mad man's mouth. I cried too hard to even let a single air got into my lungs and I ended up laying unconscious on the floor. You held me tightly until the pain seems so unreal to believe in.

Now, do you still remember the first day you left? You told me you didn't want to and you kept on saying you love me, you love me, you loved me, and I couldn't cry anymore because my heart was already broken and I just nodded and kissed you. We kissed for more than every minute we'd spent and I swear I would erase that moment if I knew how you still would end up leaving me.

And I still don't know if this pain would end. I'm remain clueless and ailing and God you're not here to ease me anymore and I need to start realizing that you were always the cause of my pain.
I still wait for you to come back, though..
Sandra Apr 2015
oh, who am i kidding
to be breathless
and frozen,
to be statued
and unbroken,
to be loved
and careable,
is everything that i want.

to die,
is everything that i want.

to be dead,
is all i am.
i just really want to die now..
im so sorry
im sorry
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