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Victoria Laws Aug 2017
Happy
Accomplished
Loved

Then heartbroken
Alone
Collapsing into myself

Then Rebirth
A recognition of who I used to be
A new beginning

Then reunited
Afire with love
Happiest

Only to be torn apart

By another three months

What will change now?
Victoria Laws Jul 2017
I'm back with you
And I'm back with the bottle

When I lost you
I drank to forget

Now that I've found you
I drink to remember

Remember the way
You used to make me
Feel.

When I'm sober
I feel only indifference

So now that I'm back with you
I'm back with the bottle too
Just trying to find a connection
To you.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
Does it count as a loss,
if you're never really sure
you had it to begin with?

Did I lose your love,
or was I just delusional
in thinking you ever loved me
anyway?

I'm sitting here
confused and shattered
over something
I now realize
I might have never had.

But
how could a love
I artificialized in
my own head seem
so
****
real
?

Call me pathetic
because I'll sit here
mourning my delusions
and pretending
that what we had was
worth it.
i wish i knew how u felt, so i wouldn't feel so alone in all this. cause rn, it seems like i'm broken, and ur just beginning again.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
it's 2:01am
i've been up for two hours now...
lying here restlessly
and i can't get you out of my head

my throat burns
after my third shot
i'm drowning out your memory

yet all i can think about
is all the times we had
in this exact bed
cuddled under the comforter
legs intertwined like lock and key

my head spins
after my fourth shot
my thoughts circle around your memory.

i need to forget
i want to forget...
forget the fact
that you were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

yet i'm conflicted,
because i regret never telling him i loved him
and then i regret ever loving him in the first place

addiction
kills
identity
Victoria Laws Jul 2017
a love no stronger
than the bottle's proof
yet strong enough
for the mind of a youth...
Victoria Laws Sep 2018
You speak in bullets
You distill liquor from love
and yet I'm lost in you

You are my poisoned apple
You are glass flooring below me

because it's more tormenting when you
can see what lies beneath.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
His care for the world
Inspires me
His devotion
To the ocean
Makes me smile
And although I tease him
His environmental awareness
Is my favorite part about him

He understands music
On such a deep level
I love watching his eyes light up
When he talks about
His favorite musicians

When he cares about you
He makes you feel like
The most important person in the world
I miss feeling like that person.

The way he wraps his arms
Around your waist
And pulls you close
Like he never wants you
More than a centimeter apart from him
Is magical

He makes you feel safe
In the scariest moments
And secure
When your life is falling apart

But he's got his demons too,
No one is safe from that.
He's jealous,
vague,
closed-off,
angry.

But if you love him enough,
Support him right,
Take care of him,
Those demons won't even matter

His love can sometimes be mistaken
As lust
And if you're not careful,
It'll hurt you.

But I promise he loves you,
It's shown through small actions.
"There's a really good restaurant, I want to take you."
"When's your next game? I'm coming to watch."
"I want you to have dinner with my family."

His love is indirect, but I promise it's there.
His beating heart
Only sees you...

It used to only see me too.
Victoria Laws Nov 2017
I thought home was a construction
A state of mind
That could be built anywhere.
Anywhere that had a bed
and a sense of belonging.
I thought that'd be enough.

3 months later
3,000 miles away
I realized
Home isn't something that can be created
Home is something you have to find
Something you have to feel.

I feel most at home
with your touch.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
im sitting
im waiting
for something big to happen

im praying
im hoping
that he comes to his senses

im thinking
im wishing
that he still loves me  


and

im trying to forget
that it may never be the same
Victoria Laws Sep 2017
I collect memories
Distill them to the letter
And barrel them for aging
Only to later get drunk
Off last life's nostalgia...

My family;
The sweet taste of white wine
I swirl their image around my head
And sip on it every now and then

My friends;
Shots of fireball
Shockingly spicy, yet sickeningly sweet
The liquid trickles down my throat.
Cuddly warmth

My love;
White girl wasted off your rosé
The color reminiscent of the flush of my cheeks,
As bubbly as my disposition
A mix of two "goods" that make a "great".
I can't wait to taste you again
Victoria Laws Aug 2017
I don't think you're what I want

Your love lights a fire in me
So deeply I can feel it burning inside my heart

I love you so much it feels like a forest fire
When we are apart
(There's smoke clouding my thoughts now)

The strength of your hug
Lifts me out of my deep miserable dysfunction

In its absence,
I'm perpetually falling
(I can't find stable footing)

The way you look at me
And caress my cheek....
Like I'm the only one that matters

Now, your touch 2,000 miles away,
The only thing to graze my cheek a single tear
(I know you'll find someone better)

It's only been four days,
Yet I feel as though so much has changed
I don't want to get hurt again
It might as well just end.

And I'm not positive
But I don't think you're what I want
Anymore
Victoria Laws Aug 2017
I know you'll forget me
I know we won't stay together
I know it won't work out
I know you'll find someone better

The torrential torment of being apart
The unrelenting pain of not knowing when it will end
but the demonic awareness of knowing it will
clawing at the back of my brain
tearing apart my sanity
piece by piece
slowly I began to realize
You'll definitely forget me.

So why am I agreeing to this?

Because I'm selfish.
As greedy and selfish as it gets.
And even though I know it's already over
I'll squeeze out any time we have left.  

I watch it crumble in front of me,
The hope I had that we could be something outside of this bubble.
Our future on the near horizon
It's drifting further away
everyday
(We talk about it so vividly
As if it actually might happen)

I watch your future light up mine
And burn it to the ground.

And then there's no us.
Just you
and the crumbled existence of me
sitting ominously in the distance
just a shadow
underwhelming next to your bright
bustling future

One that doesn't include me.
I don't think long distance works.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
it's funny.
he can be lying right next to me,
yet i don't feel his presence.

i feel the need to touch him
to make sure he's there.
my fingertips caress his pecks;
he gets mad because he's
napping.

it's funny.
as soon as someone
feels no responsibility towards you,
they treat you so differently.

the label that bound us together
was removed,
and just like that,
i was no longer the apple of his eye.

it's funny.
people SAY they'll never hurt you.
but what do words mean, really.

i kinda miss
being treated like a human
instead of a hookup.

it's just funny.
because i see everything wrong with this picture,
but i still want to keep painting,
because you and me together
in any way
is better than me
alone
on an otherwise empty canvas.
don't let boys be mean to you. be strong enough to stand up for yourself. one of us has to.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
it's taken a while
to realize you're no good
for me.  

it's taken a while
to see that your intentions
are of lust.

it's taken a while
to realize that
you never loved me.

it's taken a while
to see that you were
never the one.

it's taken a while.

and i may be drunk when i write this
but it's taken a while
to realize
that you're no good for me.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
i wrote you a letter last night.
i was drunk
as i usually am at 2am these days.

i wanted to tell you
how much i hate you
i needed you to know
how broken i was

but i was drunk
as i usually am at 2am these days.
so instead i told the truth.

"i really miss you"
"i'll always love you"
"it ***** to think that you never loved me,
but it's okay,
i understand."
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
All I'm doing
Is running back
To the person
I was meant to walk away from
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
i burrowed into my bed
vowing i'd never leave
emersed in the warmth
of my comforter.
it felt familiar, somehow

i stared at the TV
the ominous glow of the electronic light
tattooing its images
to the backs of my eyeballs.
it burned,
but in an oddly comforting way.

my head sank back
into the fluffy pillows
that caressed my hair.
their touch felt intimate.

my eyelids drooped.
it was happening.
i was falling asleep.
finally.

my phone bings, a text,
focing my eyes awake
preventing me from
falling into my
dreams.

my hand reaches for it
my fingertips caress the cold glass screen
i take one look
and then suddenly
nothing's comfortable anymore.

"Vic I made a mistake
breaking things off"

my comforter is smothering me,
the TV is burning holes in my retinas,
the pillows are rock hard.

because on
june 25 at 9:34pm
i realized
nothing beats your touch.
Victoria Laws Sep 2020
i wrote you a letter last night
i was DRUNK
as i usually am at...                               2a.m. these days.

i don’t regret
empty bottles that were full
           when i had u           self-medication is
                 self-preservation
no chaser, no chaser.
click, sip, swallow
click, sip, swallow
click, chug, sip, chug, addiction kills identity

→ whoamiwithoutyou;←

SWALLOW. so then i wrote you
a letter…. last night…?

was it last night?

no chaser, no chaser.
click chug swallow.
chug swallow chug swallow. i’m filled with POISON
and i am drunk
like i usually am at

                 10a.m these days.
demonic awareness,
claws at my back
i see it all so clearly

and you… YOU
you, you’re a match

you’re the ******* match and my love lit you up and you burned me straight to the ground and i. sip chug sip chug swallow chug no chaser just the burnt taste of dad’s $100 bottle of mezcal and i sip, chug                          chug                               ­                         can’t believe we’re dead.


BLACKOUT.
wake up
            pencil scratches;  liquid diet.
love, victoria.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
Isn't it funny how your worst enemy is your own mind?

Your thoughts are under its control and your memories are its venom.  In a matter of seconds, it can pull you from a place of serenity down to the darkest pit, in which you scramble to get out of but can't. Your fingernails claw at the dirt and blood covered walls and your lungs fill up with your salty saline tears, and there's no way out. And it's amazing because just a few moments ago, you were walking amongst beautiful stars. But now you look up and see nothing but murky darkness, and your head hangs low and your body slumps over like it's slowly shutting down. And everywhere around you there are whispers, telling you this isn't you, that you're stronger than this, that you can beat it. But it's just so hard to find the energy when you're trapped in the unrelenting darkness of your own imagination. The soft whispers are nothing against the harsh blackness. Besides, what do whispers know. You can't trust something that can so easily be taken with the wind. And it's amazing because you could have sworn that a minute ago, you were out caressing clouds. But you can't remember what that feels like anymore because now all you can focus on is the soggy mud between your toes and the sharp rocks that jab into your back as you lean against the dirt wall and sink to the ground. There's no use screaming because the sound of your voice gets swallowed up by the emptiness you feel.
And then you lose track of time, simply because at this point, there's nothing left to lose. You sit there and allow your mind to absorb the last bit of life from you until you're nothing but an empty shell in a dark, distant hole.
And all of a sudden you open your eyes, and see the trees surrounding you and feel the soft grass beneath your body. You see the life and love around you, but something's changed. The world is GRAY. And just like that, the darkness in your mind takes over your whole world.

Isn't it funny how your most dangerous entity is your own mind?
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
I Miss Him Most With The Rainfall...  
Ironic
How The Water That Cleanses The Earth
Washes Away The Dirt,  
Uncovers All My Old Feelings,
Brings Me Back
To Times I'm Trying To Forget.
I Miss Him Most With The Rainfall...
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
Recently,
All I've wanted to do
Is bring a bottle of champagne
To your place
And get drunk under the
Yesteryear stars
Of you
And me
Yet, it's never that
Sweet and simple,
Is it?

My love was so pure
I didn't realize
I ended up
Following him
All the way to Hell
For nothing.

Recently,
I find peace in watching the sun
Sink behind the towering
City buildings,
When the noise of the city
Seems to disappear for just a
Few minutes.
With it sinks my
Incessant thoughts...
For just a few minutes

Today I realized
My life is nothing without my words
And he is everything I write.

Recently,
I shook hands with chaos
And we had a long chat
It said to me
"You've become the person
I feared you would"

Funny how he sleeps peacefully
As I sit here
Sleeplessly drunk on
The thoughts of him and me
Consumed
With the incessant need
To caress him
With my poetry.

Recently,
I've found serenity
In the green grass
And blue sky
And I will stay at peace
Until a storm comes
And takes these from me too

Recently,
I've been lost
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
i woke up one morning
and left.
i needed to get out
so i booked a flight
and left.

that day
as i ran
you texted.
you wanted to see me that night.
i told you i booked a flight
and left.
you stopped texting.

i ran faster.

seat 10b
felt the loneliest.
i cradled my journal
and forced my eyes open;
if i fell asleep
i knew i'd surely
dream of you.

i didn't want to escape
into my dreams
because i knew
eventually
i'd wake up in a
nightmare.

i stared at the empty seat next to me
seat 10a
and imagined your form
uncomfortably cuddled up
in a cramped space.
you'd be sleeping
listening to Bowie.
i wouldn't be able to sleep,
i'd be staring at you.

this is why i booked a flight.
and left.

you're everywhere.
i'm drowning in your memory.  
you're my only dream,
but you're too much
of a nightmare.
Victoria Laws Apr 2018
After last year, I've conditioned myself to crave the comforting embrace of the bottle whenever I find myself in a state of emotional dissonance. And here I find myself, praying for the sting of liquor to somehow find its way to me, and force its toxicity down my throat. And it's 3:17pm on a Wednesday.

For some reason, the normality of this craving never ceases to surprise me.

Self medication.... self preservation.
To me, they are one in the same.

Without the slippery release of the devil's liquid, I'm afraid to consider who or what I would have become by now.

And it's so psychologically draining,
because ever since last year, I've never felt more weak, more imprisoned, more dazed, in my life.

My dependence makes me weak,
My weakness imprisons me,
My imprisonment dazes me,
And in my laziness,
All I know to do is drink.

I've conditioned myself to drink my dissonance away.

It hasn't worked yet,
but I'm not sure I'll ever stop trying.
Victoria Laws Jan 2018
I find I live
in constant confusion
in the absence
of your presence

My world lies on the edge of a cliff,
each fight tipping it over,
each action of love weaving a net to catch it in

Each step I take
is dizzying
each word I speak
is heavily coated
with a depressive subtext

My world lies on the edge of a cliff,
and I continuously count on you
to pull me to safety.

I wish you were stronger....
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
And As Fast As You Left My Life
Suddenly
You Were In It Again...



...No, Wait,
Suddenly
You Were My Life Again
Victoria Laws Aug 2017
I wish I could trust you
When you say you love me

I wish I could trust you
When you say nothing will change

But we look to history for a reason.
Because it's constantly repeating.
I'm going to get hurt again.
I just know it.

So I want to trust that you love me
But I'm sure you'll "love" someone else just as much

And I want to trust that nothing will change
But ******, it already has.
Victoria Laws Jul 2017
i ruined it again
and it's worse
because this time
it really is about me.
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
I waited so long
for this moment
so why do i feel so empty?

Three weeks ago
my only wish
was to be back in your arms.
but now i feel cold
between them.

I dreamt of you
telling me you missed me,
caressing my cheek,
looking at me like i was the only one.
so why do i feel
so indifferent
to your touch?

Two weeks ago
wine drunk under the stars
i swore i'd never stop loving you.
yet,
my heart
doesn't beat
when i'm with you.
Victoria Laws Jan 2018
Lately
We don't know how to love
without a war

We are most passionate
on the battlefield

We speak in bullets
and every argument
becomes an explosion

I walk in a barren field
passing soldiers of our past
laying
burning
dying

I watch the corpses of my happiness
turn to ash

I watch us destroy the "we"
we worked so **** hard
to create.
YOU
Victoria Laws Jun 2017
YOU
I'm sitting here
Rethinking months
Contemplating conversations
Drinking away your memory.

I regret
Every time your fingers traced my skin.

I regret
Falling so deeply in love with you.

I regret
Empty bottles
That were full when I had you.

Because now I'm filled with poison

A poison that keeps me coming back to you.

So now I'm sitting here
Counting the days
Since I've been without you
Drinking away your memory.

I regret
Trusting you.

I regret
Caring for you.

I regret
Giving my all to you.

Basically,
I've realized...

I regret
you.
Victoria Laws Aug 2017
flushed
as a dusty rose color is painted onto my face
dancing across my cheekbones

hushed
as my complete vocabulary
escapes my thoughts with each airy breath

rushed
as my heart beat quickens
to catch up with the speed in which my emotions flow

crushed
as I realize the damage my body will endure
when I lose you

pale is my flush
crying, there is no hush
heart no longer in a rush
now, your love leaves me
clinging on to a hopeless crush

— The End —