Wish I washed my breath with ***
That last time I told you twas over for sure
So maybe you would blame it on the bottle
and not on the stony nature of a non-existent heart

Wish I swam in the ocean of whiskey
When I told you I loved you
so maybe you would blame it on the demon
that pushed me in the bottle
and not on the fact that I was incapable of love

But maybe, don't blame me at all
cos i'm certain you wouldn't walk a straight line
if not, how could you have ever trusted
a little child, with a bow and an arrow

Of cos you'd get hurt

Discover within yourself
The whole truth.
Because truth be told,
That half truth
Is nothing but a lie too

Where men have treaded and failed before
And the world has given you no chance at all
There you shall find light and wings to fit
And fly into the horizon where no boundaries abound
Just the sun, the wind and success at arm's length
But only if you Believe.

No words can express how I really feel
At least not enough, but I will try still
I'm the silhouette in the shadows
Drowning in the darkness of my days
You can't see it, but it's there
Hidden well within the brushes
That try to paint me a different color but blue
I'm the drawing in the dark
The Artist in plain sight
And I paint myself blue to your adulation
Like the phenomenon of color constancy
I see blue and black, but you
You see white and gold; I'm done
No need to show what's hidden in plain sight
I'm fine I say, over and again; depressed
No words can say how I really feel
The words will never be enough
To make you see that all I am, is ill

I wonder who made you
The sun of my world
If not why does my world
Revolve around your light
And like the sun
Nothing comes close

I wonder who made you
The center of my gravity
If not why do I
And everyone around you
Get so dizzy
Around your laughter And of cos
The only one unflustered
Is you

Cos everytime you look
Or smile at me
I feel lightweight and high
And from up there
I can clearly see forever

I hope I'm at least a star
In your universe
Or maybe I'm one of your moons
Cos now i see my light
On everyone around me

Love.
Yours.

Woke up this morning with a screaming headache
It’s 6am and I have to be at work by 8am
Feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep but have I ever?
Say a short prayer, that should make it all okay
I clean up as fast as I can,
but not without hurting my gums while brushing
Maybe once I had something to eat, it would all be better
Opened the fridge and the crate of egg falls off, Hol’up
I wanted scrambled eggs but not in this manner for sure
Aaahhh, I need some tea even though coffee would be ideal
But I did run out yesterday. Sigh.
Water’s boiling and I’m trying to get some of it into a cup
But the kettle cover falls off and the hot water spills on my hands
Burning me; today surely isn’t my day is it?
Tea’s ready, but I’m running late now, so I’m taking it to work
Got into the car, humming a feel good tune and sipping tea
Returning the cup to the holder now and again
Then I hit an unfortunate gallop, and the tea spills all over the car
It’s exactly 7.30am and my whole day looks like the mess in the car
I get to the office, couldn’t clean up the car, traffic enroute, made sure
I was more than 5 minutes late; I sign the register before the lateness line
Is ruled; something relatively good yeah? Yeah?
I’m walking to my office door, and somehow the key to my office breaks as I’m
Trying to open the door, no kidding.
They say they will fix it later and I pitch in one of the other empty offices
I’m on my desk, slow day so not much to do
Loud crashing sound, I’m awake and hurting on the office floor
Cos apparently I dosed off and fell off my chair
It’s not until break time and even more, the absurd amusing gazes I’m getting
That I realize I’m wearing different legs from two different shoes colored differently
And of cos my pants got torn at the back from the fall earlier.
Imagine how I looked and to think the day was only half spent.
Where could I have possibly gone wrong today?!

They say with written letters,
Your blood takes the color of the ink.

Makes me wonder
Why we don't write them anymore.

I know I'm not the only one
That these questions keep
Up at night
Like why do babies cry the same
Do fools fall in love or
Does love make a fool
Which arm rest is really mine at the cinema
and if man evolved from monkeys
How come we still have monkeys
and what about my daydreams at night
Would a picture of a thousands words
be worth so much?
I really can't sleep much do I?

...forgive me this raging thirst
Before it consumes me
Of persistence in lost causes
Like I would be nothing
If I didn't make something
Out of them.
I need to learn
Like always I say
Sometimes the idea is
To never fall
Other times, to never stay down but
Again, knowing when to stay down
There, you've got life all figured out but
with my obsession of fixing
Every other thing irrelevant but myself
I really simply haven't

My ex always knew
I was gon' leave her
Was it just casual premonition
Or do I have this look that says
Look, he's never gon' stay?
Or are those the same insecurities
That pushed me away?

I know we've only known each other a while,
But what's better than love when it's spontaneous.
I know I don't believe in a lot of things,
like love at first sight and the love that always lasts; but i promise you that we will always try.
Would it be the night of your dreams
If I fell and ended up on one knee?

Food isn't my first hunger
And nights aren't for sleep alone
There's so much in my head to ponder
Like why you are where you are
and I am left to sleep alone.

It's crazy isn't it
Forever started with a hey.
Can you remember what it felt
Did you feel your heart thaw
Or melt.
That call out of the blue
It felt so right
Like you were one out of the crew.
The convos at night
Sleep became a secondary function
I think I've seen the light.
And when I have a bad day
And my heart is broken
You say
If you are sad what would
You have me do and you
Make me laugh
my sorrows away
Not before you would threaten
to mend my heart and beat me
For staying sulky
Now I can't stop laughing.
Laughter may be the best medicine
But you are my physician

I suffered a terrible disappointment today
and while I was writhing through the pain
I had so much in my head to write about
From love to hurt to more pain then anger
Cos somehow my ability to write
More than four pieces in a day
Is dependent on how much pain
I can at least pretend to feel
Today, however, I'm hurt
And I say, take away the pain
Even if it goes with the inspiration
I give up.

Lately I've come to hypothesize

Love is a science

Maybe its the biology of attraction

The hormonal chemistry of lust

Maybe it's the physics of its dynamics

The product of its mathematical variable

That makes it so complex a function

We are left confused

as to what it really is.

Yesterday,
I came across your smile
On the face of another
So beautiful
Yet I could only
Feel guilt as she said hi
Welcome to the show
And her name wasn't yours

Today,
I made a girl laugh in the mall
Just like you did
She tossed back her head and reveled
In its vibrations
As she passed by me
With a wave, of intent
And friends that weren't yours
Another prospective ruined
Just because I can't find
Enough of you in them

Now,
I Just wonder if you
Were my lucky break
Cos at least
I found love with you
Or my damnation
Cos now?
I can't seem to love another.

72 hours back
I spoke of one so peculiar
She was deserving of a band
X
She introduced me to Y
Why?

48 hours forward
Y looks at me and her
heart speaks of ageless desires
Of fantasies beyond that
I Ever have wished for.
Lust; lost

24 hours
There she is
Y
daring the sun to a smile challenge
she has me fixed in a trance
I could marvel in her unravel
But I couldn't look at the sun

Zero hours
X is glaring at me
She could never possibly unsee this
Her eyes filled with regret
Mine a shadow of the same
I couldn't muster a thought
Y;
She is my unraveling
Tomorrow?
X;
My Ex.

You know
Even I am tired
of always looking for excuses
To avoid feeling.
"Give me some minutes"
"I'll call you right back."
"Can we speak some other time?"
I never run out of these do I?
It's getting oh so tiring
"I'll be ready soon"
Yet, soon is never
gon come soon enough is it?

I can't always hold it in

even the coolest
Of people
Lose it now and then
here and there

I have hope
Serving as strength inside of me

it comes out in strands of positivity
Especially in the midst of pain
A smile within the recession

I'm not done, yet

I've only lost but a few

Even the times I'm stressed out
And it's obvious on my demeanor
It's Ok
I'm Ok

I'm still standing

It may not be how it used to be
but maybe it's true

There's always a beauty;
An art to be found
in abandoned ruins

I'm hurting; I'm hiding
I'm trying; but I'm hurting still
I promise, this time I do
Everytime I try to laugh
I flinch and smile
Like I can't possibly have it all
Can't let myself get addicted
to the thought of losing
Myself to you
I'm already addicted to
the thought of losing you
And the voices
in my heard don't give up
You don't hear them too
So you wouldn't understand
I want you but
I don't need you
I wish you would Help me
Please; help yourself
Get away from me;
But please stay
How pathetic
You did this to yourself
They say, unrelenting
I did this to myself
Until the day that I find
that I've come to think of you
More than i think of myself
Your laughter will always
Always push me away
And I hurt you, again
Does it matter that I'm hurt too?
Maybe if you looked
Beneath the smiles
You would see how dark
It's gotten; maybe if you
Listened deeper, you would
Hear the quiet before
The storm, the chatter
Of I love yous
My demons take turns saying
Maybe now you understand why
Love
makes no sense to me

Life is sometimes like a basketball game.
Everything you need to make a shot is there
The rims to guide the ball in
the board as a platform for those shots that seem to be going in behind to get back in
Essentially, all you need to do is just to take that shot;
Practise on precision and learn to make use of what's available in your environment.
Do not overlook anything at all.

Today, I sat by the window in the bus, and the voices told me to Jump.
Today, on the top floor of my office building, I kept hearing them say it; jump.
Today, i went to the beach to cool off; a different voice this time, Jump in, and let the waves end it all for you.
Today I sat within the crowd, and felt like squirming away; my heart thumping away.

Jump.

I didn't feel like staying with people; I wanted to be alone.
But when alone I remember: the misery of my past,  the pain from disappointments, the agony of heartbreak, the missed opportunity, the shame from my illness, and every other miserable thing I could summon.
Or sometimes I don't even remember at all; just an emptiness inside my void.
So Jump?

Today I decided to end it all, I knew I needed help, I was walking out that door, to speak out; to get help.
I needed Attention I didn't want, but I need to do everything to stay alive before I stop wanting to.
Today i decided to not be part of the negative statistic; one of those lost to mental illness and it's perceived ignonymity.
Today
#IamMentallyAware

Let's talk about the unexpected
That infectious Joy of yours
And the unrelenting manner
You speak about the things
I'd rather not hear about
Like love
and other drugs
The stolen glances;
Those aren't the only things
You've gotten to steal
The strange space on my shoulder
The one you left there even after
I told you not to forget a thing
And then the dent you've left
In my resolve
Not to love or believe in its futility
But you look at me and say
"Don't worry, your great Wall
Is still intact"
I hope that I'm strong
Enough to retain hope
That i'd be strong enough, yet
You've left me weak enough
To hope that I'm not strong enough
To resist all the uncertainty you bring
And hope you are the one to take me
To my ninth of clouds

14
And all I could think about
Were names and their invention
And application
Who told y'all about male
And female names
And why we always have
To complicate even the little things
Like meet my girlfriend
James; and my brother
Elsie; but humans
Forever stereotyping
Till we are six-feet no more

Eclipse
The only time I get your attention
For real, I try
Can't say I don't
Littering all over the ocean's bed
Light that wasn't even mine to give
Even as I take several shapes
To get your genuine attention
Not just because you are a werewolf
That's about to turn
Or cos the month's about to end
Or cos you are
getting fed up with the fast
But because for once I cover
Your precious sun
It doesn't yet make up
for those nights
where the sun denies me
and you of its light

I was 9
House wasn't really home
Home was at grandmas
Tales by moonlight meant More
Than the world; all the world I knew

Gathered under the shed at night
Moon or not
Story night must go on
The other kids swarmed
In mini circles
Breaking kernel, not me though;
All I did was eat them

The tortoise was my favorite
Albeit a fictional cun,
the tales did justice
To his poise, and I started
To believe that slow was good
Slow and wise was the vogue
At the expense of the arrogant dog

The lion was my favorite villain
Loved him for his hair and voice
"The lion said to the tortoise" right?
Of cos he had a voice, how else
Would he have spoken?

All too often my thoughts go back
to those times
when 9 wasn't just my age
But a time for tales

This is a picture
Of my mind
Of a locked gate with
A broken fence
It doesn't look
Completely fine
But my gate is locked
What could possibly go wrong

Thoughts get inserted
Out of line; thoughts
Get out of control
Loss of association
And no one close
To help with repairs

I can try to rebuild, yes
But won't Ten
Be better; even Two
Now I hope
You see it too
Why it's hard
For me say it too
That I'm not fine
And I'm not, but
I think it not
Because my gate was locked
What could possibly go wrong

The fiercest battles
Are fought from within
But won on the outside
Of The mind
And it takes none; prisoner.

Love is a word
A single distinct element
of emotional expression

Love is an idiom
Transcending the understanding
of even the average minded

Love is a figure of speech
As portrayed in the rhetoric and vivid
effect it has on unsuspecting victims

Love is an adage
The elders tell it better
than it actually looks

Love can be any of the above
All of the above
Or just more.

Just A Typical Night
Going through pictures of you
Still so beautiful
As always you are
But beauty isn't enough glue
To hold two
Together that weren't meant
To be

I remember when it all started
The unlikely couple of the year
Can't forget the day you said yes
And meant it
Under your umbrella
and the rain was unrelenting
Even as I tagged that rain
As a sign
for bringing us together
that night
Maybe the night was weeping
For our future that never would be

I remain thankful
For the good times
You made those happen
And
I'm sorry about the bad times
That was all me

I'm reading a book about
How to love
I hear at times it starts with a crush
But how do I even begin to
Fall for the idea of a person
Someone most times unrealistic
Grappling with a feeling I have no control over

I think I know what the problem is
I've dug myself into a hole I've forgotten how to get myself out of
I need to keep digging till I can find light in the form of a lover
But my mind has to be receptive of an idea to cultivate it

So here I am, stuck
Trying to make sense of this book about love
When In reality it reads like a book about despair

If I said I wanted to leave you

because I don't want to know

Again, the feeling of being left

Alone, would that make me selfish

Or foolish

You would say it's the latter,

But I say, maybe you are right

These days I live to be a fool another day

Do you see me at all
When I come home stressed
Wishing you could kiss away
the frown on my fore
And hug away the stress
I know you see the hunger in my eyes
If only you'd run me a hot bath
to calm my nerves
and squeeze my hands with a smile
I know you won't, but I wish you could

I know you hear me
When I talk about my fears and worries
If only you do listen with a smile
And let me know you've got my back
Hold my head to your chest as I vent
I know you won't, but I wish you could

You laugh when I laugh
Your voice resonates in songs
and your dance is infectious
You laugh uncontrollably
at my jokes and teasing
And hit me with the pillow
when I'm not looking
I know you want to let go
I know You won't, but I wish you could

You say you believe me
when I say
I love you; I need you
Sade means nothing,
and she really doesn't
You say you trust me
You should be saying
I love you too
But you won't, and I wish you could

Cos when I say I'm stressed,
you think I'm being manipulating
When I express my fears and worries,
you think I'm playing mind games
When I'm happy,
you think it's cos there's another
And when I talk
about my love for you,
you think it's cos
I'm hiding something else
Oftentimes It feels like
you want to let go
Every other time I see the futility
of trying to set you free
You could set yourself free,
but would you?

Do you know how confounded i get
when i hear you say,
Get out of your comfort zone.
As if Comfort zones weren't meant for comforts, so why would I leave them?
Why should I open up my mind to love and it's complications? Why do I have to?
You persist and insist; you say "what are rules if not to be broken"
To which I reply "why make rules only to break them"
We will never agree not even to disagree
Until the day that I fall in love
And you finally get to say
I told you so
I hope I don't get my heart broken and have to say the same to you.

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered a heart
A story of love
and the pain that accompanies it.

We started like a fire
A Stray from its path
I wasn't sure about our direction
Didn't know it would turn out so

I'm not here for long I told you
But you gave me your heart anyways
And mine came unstuck and
Followed you

In your hands it turned from stone
To ice, to glass
Delicate but beautiful and ready
Just like yours
To be adored; To be broken

Now I'm leaving but not for good
You still have my heart you see

But that didn't stop the tears and
From you they came
In drops of sadness
As I held you close to my heart

Now I'm left to tell the story
of how teardrops
Fell on my now delicate heart
Shattering it.

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered the heart?
I wish it was fiction
I wish it was fiction.

I think you ruined me for myself

I think you ruined me for everyone

Waking up to your smiles no longer

Now I'm in desperate despair

I think the new one looks like you

Petite, dark hair, lightskinned

But she doesn't laugh the same as

You, doesn't half make me feel

The way you made me too

Maybe the next one will be better

Maybe no one ever will be different

Enough to be you

I know you've ruined me

But I would do it over and again

With you

This is my life in stages
Oftentimes struggling with disbelief
Every other time, scolding away my doubts.
Not really where I want to be
But that's ok, not better
Or worse than I imagined it.
So far, the only things I own,
A pen and a dream
And I'm not so sure of the former

Torn between burning bridges and opening
Hell's doors; Like hunting silhouettes in the mist
Shadows, busy, chasing the light

I find that I take chances first then learn;
an uncanny approach
Much Like skydiving without a parachute then
Learning to fly to survive the fall

Shout-out to my past self
Buried in the hunger of who I'm working
To become; deep within the waves
Of my mind's seas
Like lost treasures even as I'm capsizing
Into a new person
An ocean of endless vast
To house the unending quests
For wealth in lost causes
Waiting to be explored
Ready for lady luck
And the opportunity to sail from her dock

Not sure who you've become or who
You claim to be
Stuck between your shadows
And your unraveling
Begging to be seen by all but
Yourself, life couldn't have been better
Looking in from outside.
Dressed in irony and brass hope
Crowning yourself with filters
Uncrowning your endowments for all to see
Steadily wishing away that part of you
That everyone sees but you
Your heart is all I'll long for
All I'll be looking to spend the eter' with.

And when we talked and you said 'I get it'
I never wanted for you to take it

Don't even make me feel
Like I never gave this my all
There was nothing, that I didn't give at all;
Thought this was something.

Life goes on still, but tomorrow's not
Today; could be better or worse

Scarred now
Scared next; Dejected
Alone; Paranoid ; I'm void

Never will the world not see
A love that wasn't ours from the offset
It wasn't fiction
Didn't even last as long as a thought

They say love's a beauty
But beauty's at the beholders'
They swear the heart's not a bone
Why then does it get to be broken

The lover becomes the unloved
Laughters into happily never afters
Sweet dreams to sleepless nights

Can someone please tell me how
I'm just coming to the realization
That one plus one can never be one?

Mind for lease;
Heart's up for sale
Lock up my senses too
And every feeling, without bail.

It's all happened before,
This life we so much adore.
The stories we tell encore,
Facts or fiction that will tell for sure,
How we live the life afore.

The legend of the elements
And their evidence in our living

The earth, our home
Of it we are made; To it we go back

The air that we breath
Without it we wouldn't live

The water in our throats
Life giver, life saver

The fire in our eyes
In our bones to keep us warm

I needed you

I never knew it too

But

Water's only sweet

When you're Thirsty too

I've lived off pressure
Ridden on expectant falls
Derided by some

I've been loved without measure
Tripped over some hearts
Hated by some

Whatever it is you do
There are expectations to flog you with
But always bear in mind
That humans
We never stop judging

Dressed in stereotypes
To our burial sites.

Sometimes, love is about regret
About things you will never get to have
With the one you shouldn't have let go
Feelings unexplored
Because now, you are with someone else

Most times, its about choices
Bad choices to say the least
To walk away or to stay the pain
To trust your heart with someone else
Not unlike an ***** donation without
A test for compatibility

Every other time, it's about the little things
That make you laugh and cry
That make you smile so hard at odd lone times
That hurt you so much, you want to die

Ultimately, it's about all the things you cherish
But still can't understand
Or stand.

What does it feel like to be brokenhearted
A question for an answer I've never sought
Til' that night at your place for dinner
When you said it was over for real this time

The heart does need time to break
Endless nights of wondering
If this was meant to be, but hoping
Love's a conqueror when it's for real

I loved you, but what about me
That's why I will never get over
The way my stomach felt As I stood up to leave, The process didn't start tonight

I couldn't breathe; the back of my eyes were burning and I couldn't help but scream; nor would I ever know if it was deep inside or vocal
as my heart drowned in the sea of its tears as blood

What does it feel like to be brokenhearted; I won't say that I know still
As though the pain might let up; but the scars, they never go away

Now I just wonder, if she felt the same or worse
The she that I hurt before there wasn't you
Even as I drown in the sea of my own Karma

I once got an inspiration
for a poem about depression

fingers, once excited to hold a pen
lingered over my notepad, unsure

confused by the topic in question
I felt myself get irritated enough
to put the idea to pension

writing used to be fun; not anymore
and so began my days and days and nights
of falling into unnecessary self-written traps

sleepless nights and yawning dawns later
and a few random tears for no reason that I could cater

I realized I was already writing it

DEPRESSION IS NOT A MYTH.



#IamMentallyAware

Lost in sight; lost insight

Dust in sight; lost my sight

Life's serving aces

But the gods are overturning

Stuck standing in the middle

A trapdoor is the floor

Falling and falling

Got me thinking I was flying

More crows than doves

Picking on my many demons

Lone Angel; The only blight in all of the dark

Within

Overwhelmed

I was 8
Breaktimes at school were the best
I remember the small field-not-pitch
Where we played football
Not as a game of 22 players
and referees and rules
It was a game of 44;
No, 46 self acclaimed stars
It was a game of the whole school
Everybody against everybody
Indiscriminate of ***
Or skill
Of height differences or body frame
Tackled by your teammates for dribbling too much
You could pick up the ball and run
Rugby style to the opposition post
Then kick to score and most likely, miss
Or get mobbed even before you get to the post
It was all so exciting;
Such disorganization;
So much fun.

Night-times with you
Star-gazing at the skies
Red crimson moon and rainbow colored stars
Those dark times were the best

All of a sudden; yet inevitable
the moon disappears
the stars too
What is this sad blight
The morbid feeling
Of évil in light
Irony's come to play

The light comes and my dreams elope
With the darkness; And you with them
How Beautiful and equally perplexing
My darkness in light

Wish I had to live in another world
But shooting stars and missing,
That's all I'll ever have.
Berated for being myself
Then judged for trying to be another;
They promised the sky wasn't the limit
But encouraged me to aim for it though
And when I reach the skies they say
You know you could have jumped higher
If you tried harder
Or you could have plucked out one star
Or Now you've gone and damaged the sky
There's no pleasing them it seems.
But I never should have gauged my success
With something so fragile and within hypothetical reach, like the soft blue sky riddled with white patches and rain clouds, so
Now I will stop being me because you said- be you
Yet still, I will keep being me for myself
Self obsessed and grandiose
And I'm not even sorry.