How did it feel to say I do?
The rush of blood to the head,
The whirlwind of emotions,
The walk down the aisle.

What was going on in your head
Even as you said your wows
And the I love yous
And the right backs
Where has all that feeling gone
Now, that you are fighting to be gone

Vows are what they shouldn't be
Words, with echoes after, without heart; ceremonial
For better for worse didn't you say?
So stop being a wuss and fix it eh?

Lose your doubts, not your partner

I've always wanted to be
To be everybody for somebody

To be every thought
In that every moment

To create those very moments
Moments that make them smile or cry
In laughter.

To be the lightening in their thunder
That spark that lights their way

To be the loved in their beloved
Throwing myself in the face of the danger
The dangerous arrows from cupid's unwavering bow

I'd never settle for someone for everybody
I'd rather be everybody to someone

But who am I to be picky

No one.
At least, not to anybody.

The loud chatter
Amidst the silence
The pounding of my heart
The whispering of the wind
The charade of my thoughts
The rustling of the leaves
All bubbling in dilemma

Been down this road before
The spectra of light
The magnificent ambience it creates
Piercing through the depths
To the core of chambray
Now filled with thorns of distaste
Glooming with total darkness
Gnawing at the standing hairs on my skin
I squeak at the emergence of my shadow
The horror holds no bounds

The piercing cries of my pain
In the distance
Screaming for mercy
I still hear
My heart bleeds profusely
Into the crepes of my soul
No
I can’t go back  
A River of tears
Flowing Past the bridge
Forming tributaries along its course
I have to let go

I got to set them free
Erase the blemishes of my sorrow;
The horror of the nights

I got to face the darkness
The fear of the unknown
Choking me to misery
With my shield made of thorns
This is the only way
Running through the storm
With the speed of the light within
Towards the edge of glory
That’s the only way
To be free from the cages
Holding me down

Something about the rain
That soaks away my innate senses
Must be the sound atop my cepha
That tasteless inundating effect
Maybe it's the smell of dust being awakened
Burying my judgement

Intoxicated
Two indifferent souls and a bottle
Of sad wine
Locked up within my mind's
A closet space I visit every now
and again with you
So much for the pain we both
Cause each other, no gain

Do you see me at all
Cos I've stopped seeing the possibilities
Of you
And I
Does it hurt that I'm not there
Cos you ain't here and I'm just fine

I think we will be ok
Nothing does it better than a long day
In the showers
In the rain
of the rain
Blinded by the droplets from above
I can see it so clear, it's below me

There's something in the rain
That cleanses my mind's trash
Resetting my thoughts little by little
In droplets of ecstasy
It's probably because it comes from above
And we both didn't
So we hurt each other, relentlessly

Broken vases, broken glasses
The only thing that isn't shattered
Is my mind and it's lit
Up in flames, smoked; in hades
No shades, no streams
Of what my life could possibly be
If you didn't opt and leave
This world; no joy, remains
Of peace, of mind, with you
I was incomplete and just perfect.

Yesterday I woke up without a heart
No worries, no pain
Somewhere beyond the lies

Yesterday I woke up with my future ahead of me
No delays, no denials
Somewhere beyond the highs

The past is in the past
Let it remain, the past
Therefore today,
I live for tomorrow

Woke up without my memories/thoughts dispersed, I'm scared/agitated

Woke up with you by my side/didn't know twas you

Didn't know twas true how I dreamt of having you there/but now I barely even know myself

Those who remember it thought we were perfect

Lost in my memories/lost without them I'm still

Not sure what to do/I should be lost without the love they claim we have, we had/but I don't remember, I may as well be dead, reborn, undead

Those who remember it thought it too good, unreal

And now my nightmare's caught up with me/I feel like I woke up in my bad dream, still dreaming I wake up how I slept

How could I forget a life so dreamy they say/I must have been playing hide not seek in my head, and now I can't figure out where my memories at

Yet I'm sure someplace within my mind, if it's any consolation/I'll always love you, even if I never remember

And maybe one day, maybe never, I will remember/and when such a day comes or not, please remind me never to forget again

My fatal fetallity

What is perfection
Imperfection
Like jigsaw pieces in all their puzzling glory
But when all fixed, there's satisfaction in breaking
Them up to try again.

It's you and me and our
Bags of deficiencies and imperfections
But when we come together it's like
A match and it's box
We light up

There's perfection in imperfection
The darkness needs light and light
It's darkness

Perfection is boring; perfection
Is imperfect.

I think so much
About seasons
And night
And day

Like why
It's so hot out here
And cold where you are

And why
It's so dark up here
But the light is all I see below

But mostly why
You are all I feel
Yet you feel nothing

Don't pray for me mother
I'm already lost,
What good will that be

Don't cry for me mother
I already lost
What's good that I had left

Don't think of me mother
I've already lost
What life I had left

But dream of me mother

Just as I dream of you

Slowly but surely, the earth is dying
Landslides and earthquakes
Tsunamis and hurricanes
Summer heat all year round
Like a mid-summer nightmare

Yet
Those are not the real killers
Bomblasts and homicides
Crimes of color, religion
A life for more lives
Alive to take more lives
Not one day gone without an unnecessary death

Slowly but surely, the earth is dead
Buried in the same hope that was meant to save us
Religion and it's diversities; Science and it's ideologies More harm than good
And knowledge is the ****** weapon
Now we are bristling at the seams of the end
Weaving as if we didn't know, our very demise
Deeply obsessed with such sad irony
The saved don't want to be saved
They want to go to heaven
But for the unbeliever, anything goes
Let nature take its cause
Indeed, we are nature's beings, but
We have overwhelmed it
With our incessant addiction to hope
Never believe the news
It's much worse than it looks
But not all is lost; the red could save us all
Join the movement
Mayday Mars

We will be alright, she says
Won't we?
We will be
With a deep blue sigh
I said, knowing
But not knowing if
We will be
Ever the same
But I hope it shows in my eyes
That I haven't slept
Thoughts berating my eeriest senses
Making me numb
Leaving me number

I know it's crazy that I'm empty
And you are still here
But I did dream of having you
Why can't I dream of losing you?
Our conversations are getting shorter
Why am I not surprised
The yearning; lingering no longer
Why does it always have to end
Like this.

It started with the longing
For your attention
And then you refute
And I try again and I get it
Then comes the indifference
Shades of loving-care, laced with awws; cute
Followed almost inevitably
By nonchalantness
Calls and texts unreturned
You think I'm cheating
Quarrels; often unwarranted
Then I start making you feel you nag too much
But you do
I'm sorry I say; the sighs within the apologies;
I'm sorry, Over and again

Now we are at a ****** of sorts
And it's not the kind that's found in clouds of nines
I can't keep going like this
I can't deal with this anymore Vic
Do you want us to end this?
Do you think we could be better?
Questions; more questions
Answers you already have

Then the accusations of deception
Of lies and deception; emotional blackmailing
This is a recurring phase
But it breaks me everytime
Letting go; letting it go, you go
I mean, I already let go before I met you
But I've tried, everytime, I try
And everytime I fail
And in picking myself up to try again
I make you fall for me, then I fail again

I'm broken in shards, and it's my pieces that hurt you
And me
And I would be devastated, but I'm already damaged
I would be hurt, scarred for life
But I don't have the heart

I don't have a heart.

Yesterday.
This was me
With some caffeine
Addicted
Not good for my health
Worrying about my worries
Creating more worries and
My feelings
Spiralling outta control
Today
My head is going places; it is
Seeing things I shouldn't see
The wheels of time, spinning me around
Yet I'm not irrational
Far from it
Then why am I confused?
There's no better way to be
I look into your eyes
Great, and all I see is nothing
All the things I don't know
Like rest of mind and peace
These are the things I would love to have
Tomorrow.


#NowReadBackwards

She showed me her pain, hidden
Under the scars she wore so
Perfectly, while she cried afraid
I wouldn't love her for the who she is
That once loved a knife

She showed me her pain, no longer 
Hidden in tantrums and fits 
Feeling scared and ashamed, I 
Told her I loved her even more, I 
Wouldn't be a salt to her wounds, I
Kissed each scar and searched all over
Me for one and I couldn't find so I
Carved her name into my heart
My stronghold, I let her in
And as I cried from the pain, stubbornly 
Fighting the tears, I
Told her and I said
Now I have a scar too and that's the kind
Of love I want to have.

Keep your head up
My father said to me
Young redhead troubled
by the world around me

So when you think I'm nodding
In agreement; I'm sorry
You only misunderstood; I can't
Hear you, you see

When life burdens me and my
Head drops
I bring it back up because
Heads up
That's what my father taught me

Young
Red head
And
Positive

That's the lizard in me.

I did think we were a match
Made in heaven
And like a match
Made in heaven
Only you can light up this fire
That burns deep in my soul

...cos as you struggled to hold on to life/ life that was never there for you/ you wouldn't stop smiling / smiling like it's all OK.

I remember spending that last night crying/ crying to shed the pain/ pain I never think I do survive/ survive the night I begged you still.

And now that you are gone I've learnt/ learnt that some of man's losses shape his destiny/ destiny he wouldn't stumble upon otherwise/ otherwise it's not OK that you ain't here/ here to see me become the person you always wished I be.

In the day, I live my nightmares
And when I get to sleep, my dreams are where I want to be

Gravity is depressing!
I would rather fly
exchange my shoes for a glide
A million places to go
watch me soar
now life's a bit interesting
blissful flips and somersaults
just at times when I'm quite sad
or just because I can
and you can too.

Gravity is depressing;
Gravity is expensive!
Take my car for instance
the one I see in dreams for instance
Or the stress of sending up a satelitte
a job that 10 flying men would enjoy
So it's a yes for space exploration
Would have been easier if
we all went to Mars sometime
visit Saturn for summer
orbiting around it's many rings
of cos there will be a warning around mercury
I hear you might mistake it for the sun

Gravity is boring!

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in books of fiction
Of life in fiction
Of pain from fiction
A fragment of my being
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in comic books
Whose mind comes alive in their pages
Of heroes and their sidekicks
Of villains and their lovely vile
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in rock as a religion
It's transitions and it's leads
Metal as a denomination
So electric; I come
Alive over and again
I am nothing without my music

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in Mangas
Their Naive heroes and their half clad villains
Their pervasions and their strengths
Their one-on-one battles and defeats
Their awesome storytelling and the twists
I am nothing without my Manga

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in video games
The difficulty levels and their walkthroughs
The vibrations and the boss fights
The sleepless nights and the highs
The shouts of victory and the barrage of curses
I am nothing without my Video games

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in surfing
The endless chasm of the world wide
Web, of knowledge and terrifying ignorance
Of horrors and uplifting humor
From one end to the never ending
I am nothing without the Internet

I am proud to be all of these and more

I Am Nerd.

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To dance in rain and in shine, naked
To sleep wherever the head might rest
To wander, make fun of people
To live indeed.

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To dream of absurdly great things and not care
To own as many imaginary friends as possible;
Cos at least they are real with you
To love wholesomely and to hate, unabashed
To live indeed

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To create a reality and live in it
To think whatever about oneself and not
Care about being judged
To live indeed

To be psychotic is to be
Free
Of clothes, their costs and attachments
Of self-judgements of self appearance
To fight the air or run a personally organized race
To live indeed.

So pray tell,
What is the extent you would go
To live? Indeed.

Curse the times I say,
When our laughters become spoken words
LOL
The demise of the beauty that is unspoken joy.

Note to self - never wake up

Met her a fortnight ago
Miss tall-light-skinned-real-brown-eyes-with-the-perfect-smile
To my Mister-egotistical-too-weirdly-damaged-for-you facade

Hit it off from the onset; really could've sworn twas all a script if I wasn't such a horrible actor.
Usually a glass-empty kinda guy; but you've got me half full; I'm opti-pessi-mistic
Nah. I'm just half-crazy, half-weird
With you being the crazy; you are a part of what I've become

You've got us falling so hard, we flying
A true beauty, but I promise I'm a beast in the making
For now though, I'm soaring beyond the usual clouds of nines and highs, and it's just so incredible
Cos, what is beauty without the attitude; Perfection

Note to self - Never wake up.

Beautiful day, speculative clouds
Met this girl, beauty and the smile
Heart gets loud, can't hear myself
Can she hear me? Out with
My thoughts, back off, I thought I heard
Screams and sirens, not the cops, all in my head
Took a step back, out of
My mind with fear I am, my thoughts
Got caught up in that smile, I'm stuck
Maybe I should just stalk, no need to talk
Won't it just be cheaper to hate, from afar
Fate is for the rich, once said my Ma
Can I risk it all, make a move I could
Regret, not when she looks like a million stars
My heart can't catch up with my breathes, I ain't done
Beautiful day, cold and jitters
My feet are on fire, my thoughts, lost in Russia
I stabbed my mind, it got to my fears
We spoke all through the night, so mama, yes
The drama is over, she said, Yes.