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Oct 2 · 51
Control.
Ellie Sutton Oct 2
"I'm in control"
I pretend
I depend
On this lie
To get by
A mantra I say
Each day
To convince the world I'm okay

But I did it again.

I aspire
To be well and free
But this cursed desire
Intoxicates me
All encompassing
And then...
Nothing.
Just regret,
Upset,
And the will to forget.

Oh, the irony:
Masks, everywhere.
Mine?
Always been there.
Sep 6 · 212
Catcall
Ellie Sutton Sep 6
Do you
Tell all
The boys to smile too?
Aug 31 · 227
Intoxicated
Ellie Sutton Aug 31
Aching head, bruised legs
Purse much lighter, and my pride
Annihilated
Aug 31 · 73
Memories of you
Ellie Sutton Aug 31
You threw me to the ground
Held me down
Then asked me why I couldn't stand
Jul 29 · 281
Walks with my demon
Ellie Sutton Jul 29
This is a nice walk.
Good job I've gone
Out and about
I ate way too much today
I need to burn that off
Christ, my belly looks huge!
OK, breathe in, breathe in
I wonder what I'll have
For tea tonight
It'd better be something light
I had a bar of chocolate last night
I wonder how many calories
I've left for the day
What do My Fitness Pal say?
600. That's okay
BUT
It would be better
To have less
I'm at a party this weekend
So I'll probably eat and drink
More than I should
I could just skip tea altogether?
Wow, my thighs really rub together
That's disgusting
Yeah, I probably should
(I definitely shouldn't wear shorts)
I wonder what I'll do tonight
Maybe go for a run?
I'm tired from last night's, but
I'll be happier once it's done
I look disgusting
In everything right now
Maybe it'll help me be
A little trimmer for that party?
Oh God, that person's looking at me
I bet they're judging
My double chin
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO BREATHE IN.
For God's sake
Why can't I just be thin?
There are too many people about
I should have waited
'til it was dark
My flab is less stark
Less to remark on
If people can't see properly
It's OK, nearly home now

...That was a nice walk.
Jul 27 · 57
Closeted
Ellie Sutton Jul 27
The church always told me
(Visually, if not verbally):
"Find a man;
Marry;
Procreate.
Preferably by the time you're 22."

What it didn't tell me
(Verbally or visually)
Was that I might
Like a man
Or a woman
And, more to the point, that that was okay.

So I told myself
(Privately, internally)
"You like men.
Be normal.
Be straight.
Find a man; marry; procreate."

But since then
Time has passed
And I at last
Reflect bittterly
On my forced history.
I'm older, if not wiser,
And if I could return
To that broken, troubled girl,
I'd advise her
To be the woman
God created her to be.

So I've told myself
(Audibly, LOUDLY)
"You've got this;
Time to
Shine."
This is a war I refuse to fight anymore.
😊
Jul 26 · 764
Shattered
Ellie Sutton Jul 26
holding
brokenness
together
is
s h a t t e r i n g
Today is a struggle. Thank god for my pen and paper. Love to anyone out there feeling the same 💕
Jul 23 · 94
Delete this poem
Ellie Sutton Jul 23
A mere three years
Have passed since I
Joined this community
And I have found
My worst critic
Is always future me
Jul 23 · 220
A haiku
Ellie Sutton Jul 23
This haiku has the
Wrong number of syllables.
You're counting now, hey?
🙃
Jul 23 · 229
Fighting feeling
Ellie Sutton Jul 23
I don't want all this
Unless "this" is you and me.
Sweet trepidation
Jul 22 · 199
Warriors in blue
Ellie Sutton Jul 22
Nurses bursaries scrapped
Wages capped
Students unpaid, betrayed
By a stratified social system
That ***** on the helpless and the selfless
"Gratitude" is expressed
Not by redressing the balance
But with a clap
Followed by a stab in the back:
Oh, snap.

We're sick of your hollow applause: pause
Rewind your mind three years
To when you jeered
And blocked their cause with a cheer:
Tell me, is your conscience clear?

And when we think
You can't sink any lower
You throw a fresh blow:
Increase front line pay
But decline the same for our warriors in blue
Who saved your **** neck on that ICU

And the saddest part
Of this sorry story, Tory
Is we're outraged and dismayed
At the disdain you've displayed
But amazed? No.
Your track record is traceable
Applause a mere mask
Tasked with shielding years of austerity
That's crippled our NHS
With alarming prosperity

This proverbial *******
Will linger
In the memories of those who chose
A career of care
Over privilege and flair
Jun 15 · 390
First dates
Ellie Sutton Jun 15
Those eyes are canyons
Two captivating chasms
I've lost myself in
Jun 11 · 291
Guilty
Ellie Sutton Jun 11
Guilt's a funny thing
Sometimes you almost forget
Other times, it kills
I have charged myself
Signed and sealed the death warrant
Accepted my fate
And I suspect I'll
Punish myself much longer
Than you will hate me
Jun 8 · 179
Moon-like
Ellie Sutton Jun 8
As the crescent moon
Awaits fulfilment again
We, too, wax and wane
Jun 5 · 586
Tonight
Ellie Sutton Jun 5
Tonight,
Sleep is almost as elusive as you
Jun 4 · 1.5k
Stand
Ellie Sutton Jun 4
I will stand with you
Until my feet shed the blood
That pours from my heart
May 29 · 126
Ageing
Ellie Sutton May 29
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Why
Won't
The clock stop?

Tock, tick, tock, tick
Memories?
Nature's trick
3am thoughts
Ellie Sutton May 28
How sweet is the sound
Of the songbird's spritely tune
On this summer morn
May 27 · 142
Burn
Ellie Sutton May 27
Is it love?
Or do I simply long
For the touch of your tongue on my scorched skin
Is it wrong
That I crave and resent you
With equal measure?
I am at leisure
To act as I choose
Yet I am bound
Beguiled
Bruised.
Bewitched by the kiss
By the touch
That was too much
For either of us to bear;
It ought've remained a fantasy
But your 'love' is addictive
A single drop of water for my parched soul;
It makes me whole
Though the pieces match imperfectly.

My self-preserving hands push you away,
But your heart-stopping gaze moves me to stay.
May 26 · 1.3k
Senses
Ellie Sutton May 26
The creak of a spine
And scent of a musty page
Intoxicates me
May 25 · 111
Cracked
Ellie Sutton May 25
A cracked wine glass
Performs its function with perfection:
Pour. Hold. Drink. Repeat.
Feigning resilience in a fragile reality
Alarmed by the touch of a thoughtless hand
That caresses the invisible wound
And fails to fathom its vulnerable condition
Holding fast as perpetual pressure
Mounts inside the translucent frame
And threatens to burst the dam;
An ominous reminder that this minor imperfection
Is a major flaw.

Pour. Hold. Drink. Repeat.
Hold...
Nov 2017 · 3.1k
'Social' Media
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
We all want to be liked
To have people see
The version of ourselves
We choose to be
And say, yeah
That's someone I admire
I aspire to be like
We all want someone
To look back on
The snapshots we've accrued
Over years of holidays,
***** nights,
And picture perfect food
And say, look
Here's someone who's got things sussed
We all want someone
To validate our lives
To comment that we're doing just fine
You're great
You're pretty
Your smart
Well, I guess that's a good start

We all want someone
To click that **** thumb
And validate the effort
Of keeping the mask on
Nov 2017 · 427
Bess
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
Veiled from the world the Queen did keep
A '*******' girl who cost her sleep
Though tethered down and kept from sight
Still she shone forth as purest light

A brazen heart (to match her hair)
Beat in the breast of 'maiden fair'
She fuelled her lusts for life with love
Of country, and of God above

She sought no spouse to guide, for she
Was wise enough for her country
As fire and ferver burned within
Ne'er a fool charmed his way in

Her sister, on her ravaged throne
Felt only fire for her betrothed
Yet failed to birth a princely son
And ruled and died in fear, undone

And thus, Bess ruled as Princes do
Absolute, and mightily too
And whether truth, or rumour stark
Purity did become her mark

For she who held her own did learn
By passion, one could easily burn
And thus she led, her heart beholden
To England; and their reign was golden
Fun little one based on the perspective of Elizabeth I given in a book I recently read :)
Nov 2017 · 323
Autumn
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
The light lingers not,
Amber hues of autumn fade;
Winter encroaches.

— The End —