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Apr 2022 · 2.3k
Recovery is no joke
Ellie Sutton Apr 2022
How many day ones
Does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apr 2022 · 409
Morning musings
Ellie Sutton Apr 2022
One day I will learn
To be as wise as the oak:
Rooted; grounded; still.
Feb 2022 · 271
Ellie Sutton Feb 2022
'Lifeline' suggests that
Salvation is linear
How convoluted
Jan 2022 · 471
Ellie Sutton Jan 2022
Curst be the wretch, and sure he's curst
That taught the Trade of Rhyming first
'Tis a ****' d Trade, and who pursues it,
I'll pass my word at last he rue's it
The above is an extract from a late seventeenth-century satirical ballad I stumbled across in the course of my research. It made me smile; I hope it does you! The title is the number of the ballad in the English Broadside Ballad Archive, an online database of seventeenth-century ballads, should you wish to read the entire piece yourself.
Dec 2021 · 170
Ellie Sutton Dec 2021
Why do we think
That drink
Will cure our woes?
When evidence shows
That time and time again
It pushes us past
The brink
And into the realm
Of true pain:
With ***** at the helm
Despair rejoices
Sep 2021 · 1.7k
Waking Up Sober
Ellie Sutton Sep 2021
Waking tired, but not sedated
And feeling calm, not agitated
Alarm's a gentle wake up call
And not a galling mental brawl

No regrets from the night before
No blackout I need to explore
Safe and sound and in control
The contents of my bag still whole

Hearing the birds, but not cursing
No pounding head in need of nursing
Seeing the sun, not trying to hide
But flinging the curtains open wide

Washing my hair without spacing
A steady heart, not one that's racing
Brushing my teeth without gagging
Getting ready, my feet not dragging

Pouring cereal into a bowl
Feeding my body and my soul
Fruit and juice pass through my lips
No cold pizza and leftover chips

Getting out the house with ease
Not scrambling round to find my keys
Leaving early, not running late
My brain able to operate
27 days sober and woke up feeling super positive. Had to write about it, to remind myself on the days I might feel less so :)
Sep 2021 · 494
Tee-totally going crazy
Ellie Sutton Sep 2021
I've never wanted
Something that burns my soul more.
Narcissistic *****.
Struggling today. Writing is therapy.
Sep 2021 · 341
Lightbulb moments
Ellie Sutton Sep 2021
Lightbulbs are there so
We don't burn our fingertips
On candles again
Aug 2021 · 191
I saw a piece of me
Ellie Sutton Aug 2021
I saw a piece of me within
Those chilling words you wrote
They helped me grasp my demon
By her once elusive throat

To live a life of freedom from
That unquenchable thirst
How I long to relive all
Those precious years traversed

The clock can't simply just turn back
And hurt won't be forgot
But onwards I will press until
This dismal life's a blot
Aug 2021 · 215
Ellie Sutton Aug 2021
A single taste of
That tantalizing tonic
Intoxicates me
May 2021 · 1.1k
Ellie Sutton May 2021
Life is not for coping;
I want my soul to dance.
May 2021 · 103
Ellie Sutton May 2021
Hours have passed by, and
All I have to show for it
Is air in my lungs
May 2021 · 1.2k
In my head
Ellie Sutton May 2021
I always thought that
Solitary confinement
Couldn't be that bad
May 2021 · 101
Little green pills
Ellie Sutton May 2021
I feel okay.
I surprise myself with just how so,

Then, I forget
3 days of you

And the whole world turns to ash.
Feb 2021 · 679
Ellie Sutton Feb 2021
Where's the 'good'
In saying "good bye"
From afar?
Hearing of all that you were, and are
Through a pixelated screen
Tinny speakers
And an unstable internet stream

There's no 'good' in that 'bye'
So I'll save that sweet salutation
For when we meet again, my friend.
Jan 2021 · 1.1k
Ellie Sutton Jan 2021
Only when
She wasn't enough
Did she realise
She would never be enough
And, for her,
That was quite enough.
Jan 2021 · 461
Ellie Sutton Jan 2021
I want to pound at
The closed door you stand behind
But my hands are bruised
Jan 2021 · 95
Ellie Sutton Jan 2021
Can you not see
I don't want to be
Just a line in a song that you sing
Of heartache, lies,
How love always dies,
And how none of it means anything.
Oct 2020 · 75
Ellie Sutton Oct 2020
"I'm in control"
I pretend
I depend
On this lie
To get by
A mantra I say
Each day
To convince the world I'm okay

But I did it again.

I aspire
To be well and free
But this cursed desire
Intoxicates me
All encompassing
And then...
Just regret,
And the will to forget.

Oh, the irony:
Masks, everywhere.
Always been there.
Sep 2020 · 90
Ellie Sutton Sep 2020
Do you
Tell all
The boys to smile too?
Aug 2020 · 153
Ellie Sutton Aug 2020
Aching head, bruised legs
Purse much lighter, and my pride
Aug 2020 · 107
Memories of you
Ellie Sutton Aug 2020
You threw me to the ground
Held me down
Then asked me why I couldn't stand
Jul 2020 · 904
Walks with my demon
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
This is a nice walk.
Good job I've gone
Out and about
I ate way too much today
I need to burn that off
Christ, my belly looks huge!
OK, breathe in, breathe in
I wonder what I'll have
For tea tonight
It'd better be something light
I had a bar of chocolate last night
I wonder how many calories
I've left for the day
What do My Fitness Pal say?
600. That's okay
It would be better
To have less
I'm at a party this weekend
So I'll probably eat and drink
More than I should
I could just skip tea altogether?
Wow, my thighs really rub together
That's disgusting
Yeah, I probably should
(I definitely shouldn't wear shorts)
I wonder what I'll do tonight
Maybe go for a run?
I'm tired from last night's, but
I'll be happier once it's done
I look disgusting
In everything right now
Maybe it'll help me be
A little trimmer for that party?
Oh God, that person's looking at me
I bet they're judging
My double chin
For God's sake
Why can't I just be thin?
There are too many people about
I should have waited
'til it was dark
My flab is less stark
Less to remark on
If people can't see properly
It's OK, nearly home now

...That was a nice walk.
Jul 2020 · 104
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
The church always told me
(Visually, if not verbally):
"Find a man;
Preferably by the time you're 22."

What it didn't tell me
(Verbally or visually)
Was that I might
Like a man
Or a woman
And, more to the point, that that was okay.

So I told myself
(Privately, internally)
"You like men.
Be normal.
Be straight.
Find a man; marry; procreate."

But since then
Time has passed
And I at last
Reflect bittterly
On my forced history.
I'm older, if not wiser,
And if I could return
To that broken, troubled girl,
I'd advise her
To be the woman
God created her to be.

So I've told myself
(Audibly, LOUDLY)
"You've got this;
Time to
This is a war I refuse to fight anymore.
Jul 2020 · 99
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
s h a t t e r i n g
Today is a struggle. Thank god for my pen and paper. Love to anyone out there feeling the same πŸ’•
Jul 2020 · 168
Delete this poem
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
A mere three years
Have passed since I
Joined this community
And I have found
My worst critic
Is always future me
Jul 2020 · 190
A haiku
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
This haiku has the
Wrong number of syllables.
You're counting now, hey?
Jul 2020 · 71
Fighting feeling
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
I don't want all this
Unless "this" is you and me.
Sweet trepidation
Jul 2020 · 383
Warriors in blue
Ellie Sutton Jul 2020
Nurses bursaries scrapped
Wages capped
Students unpaid, betrayed
By a stratified social system
That ***** on the helpless and the selfless
"Gratitude" is expressed
Not by redressing the balance
But with a clap
Followed by a stab in the back:
Oh, snap.

We're sick of your hollow applause: pause
Rewind your mind three years
To when you jeered
And blocked their cause with a cheer:
Tell me, is your conscience clear?

And when we think
You can't sink any lower
You throw a fresh blow:
Increase front line pay
But decline the same for our warriors in blue
Who saved your **** neck on that ICU

And the saddest part
Of this sorry story, Tory
Is we're outraged and dismayed
At the disdain you've displayed
But amazed? No.
Your track record is traceable
Applause a mere mask
Tasked with shielding years of austerity
That's crippled our NHS
With alarming prosperity

This proverbial *******
Will linger
In the memories of those who chose
A career of care
Over privilege and flair
Jun 2020 · 135
First dates
Ellie Sutton Jun 2020
Those eyes are canyons
Two captivating chasms
I've lost myself in
Jun 2020 · 201
Ellie Sutton Jun 2020
Guilt's a funny thing
Sometimes you almost forget
Other times, it kills
I have charged myself
Signed and sealed the death warrant
Accepted my fate
And I suspect I'll
Punish myself much longer
Than you will hate me
Jun 2020 · 348
Ellie Sutton Jun 2020
As the crescent moon
Awaits fulfilment again
We, too, wax and wane
Jun 2020 · 130
Ellie Sutton Jun 2020
Sleep is almost as elusive as you
Jun 2020 · 187
Ellie Sutton Jun 2020
I will stand with you
Until my feet shed the blood
That pours from my heart
May 2020 · 153
Ellie Sutton May 2020
Tick, tock, tick, tock
The clock stop?

Tock, tick, tock, tick
Nature's trick
3am thoughts
May 2020 · 269
Conversations with myself
Ellie Sutton May 2020
How sweet is the sound
Of the songbird's spritely tune
On this summer morn
May 2020 · 118
Ellie Sutton May 2020
Is it love?
Or do I simply long
For the touch of your tongue on my scorched skin
Is it wrong
That I crave and resent you
With equal measure?
I am at leisure
To act as I choose
Yet I am bound
Bewitched by the kiss
By the touch
That was too much
For either of us to bear;
It ought've remained a fantasy
But your 'love' is addictive
A single drop of water for my parched soul;
It makes me whole
Though the pieces match imperfectly.

My self-preserving hands push you away,
But your heart-stopping gaze moves me to stay.
May 2020 · 215
Ellie Sutton May 2020
The creak of a spine
And scent of a musty page
Intoxicates me
May 2020 · 97
Ellie Sutton May 2020
A cracked wine glass
Performs its function with perfection:
Pour. Hold. Drink. Repeat.
Feigning resilience in a fragile reality
Alarmed by the touch of a thoughtless hand
That caresses the invisible wound
And fails to fathom its vulnerable condition
Holding fast as perpetual pressure
Mounts inside the translucent frame
And threatens to burst the dam;
An ominous reminder that this minor imperfection
Is a major flaw.

Pour. Hold. Drink. Repeat.
Nov 2017 · 3.2k
'Social' Media
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
We all want to be liked
To have people see
The version of ourselves
We choose to be
And say, yeah
That's someone I admire
I aspire to be like
We all want someone
To look back on
The snapshots we've accrued
Over years of holidays,
***** nights,
And picture perfect food
And say, look
Here's someone who's got things sussed
We all want someone
To validate our lives
To comment that we're doing just fine
You're great
You're pretty
Your smart
Well, I guess that's a good start

We all want someone
To click that **** thumb
And validate the effort
Of keeping the mask on
Nov 2017 · 519
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
Veiled from the world the Queen did keep
A '*******' girl who cost her sleep
Though tethered down and kept from sight
Still she shone forth as purest light

A brazen heart (to match her hair)
Beat in the breast of 'maiden fair'
She fuelled her lusts for life with love
Of country, and of God above

She sought no spouse to guide, for she
Was wise enough for her country
As fire and ferver burned within
Ne'er a fool charmed his way in

Her sister, on her ravaged throne
Felt only fire for her betrothed
Yet failed to birth a princely son
And ruled and died in fear, undone

And thus, Bess ruled as Princes do
Absolute, and mightily too
And whether truth, or rumour stark
Purity did become her mark

For she who held her own did learn
By passion, one could easily burn
And thus she led, her heart beholden
To England; and their reign was golden
Fun little one based on the perspective of Elizabeth I given in a book I recently read :)
Nov 2017 · 308
Ellie Sutton Nov 2017
The light lingers not,
Amber hues of autumn fade;
Winter encroaches.

— The End —