Quincy Valero
Everybody’s best friend
Jet black hair
Shiny brown eyes
A boyish smirk
Standing six foot something
Coming out of catholic school agnostic
Attending state college

Every word that came out of his mouth was a riot
A funny story of a bad situation he was in that he can laugh at now
An awkward moment with a girl he tried to get in bed
God awful train rides with a clueless conductor

Quincy Valero
A wanna-be Casanova
The irish-italian self-proclaimed “Don Juan of Dumont”
Roaring down the suburb streets in his bright yellow mustang
From Bergen county to Trenton
Edgewater to Ewing
Bumping R&B; from the 90's

A main girl
A side chick
And a few back pocket broads
Leading them on
To where?
I’m not even sure he knows

Quincy Valero
My best friend since I’ve been here in Purgatory
My lifelong cellmate
My hetero life mate
My brother of second thought
Our token white boy

He’s had his ups
Wild ragers until day break
A four way with me and two girls in my four door sedan
He’s had is downs
Falsely charged with domestic abuse
Community service, endless court room hearings, suspensions and a whole bunch of nonsense

Quincy Valero
The quintessential example of the modern day male
Stays up all night
Sleeps all day
Opportunistic
Egotistical
Miserly
*****
And hungry

Always aching to put in his two cents
And leaving everyone in a howl of laughter
An Adderall popping
Seasoned drinker
A professional *** smoker, coached by yours truly
Fast talking baritone voice
With a half serious tone

Yes, Quincy Valero
The tight plain white t-shirt wearing
Chino sporting
Nostalgic, slightly racist, sexist, anti-semitic
Bust usually honest, friendly and apologetic
Good hearted dude we all love to hate
And hate to love

Bed-headed
Pajama bottom ***
Talking about his Svedka regrets
And we laugh and laugh and the stupidest things
Then remember events that seem so long ago
And then make plans for tomorrow
Yeah, one of my best friends
My oldest friend
That’s Mr. Quincy Valero

Double edged sword
You gave them your word
Not a necessity
But a possessive desire
Got burnt by the fire
But it felt so good

Doing new things you’ve never done before
Inhibitions released and spirits soar
New trails being blazed and opened doors
Then the question come up, what you really here for?

When they’re happy it’s because they love you
When they’re ***** it’s because they wanna *******
When they’re mad all they wanna do is diss you
And when they’re sorry it’s because you got a shoulder to cry on and sympathetic tissues

And the situations can be reciprocal
As you put each other on that pedestal
You try to fit in each other’s schedule
And be together in the time residual

Sometimes you wanna **** them
Then you look back at the times when
You used to think they might have been heaven sent
And made changes and sacrifices as if every day was Lent

The break up
The make up
The forgiveness ****
All that nonsense for what?

To get your blood boiling
Just part of everyday mortal coiling
Suffer in the pain just toiling
Just forget about it blow it off its just annoying

You talk about kids, a house and a family
During a late night-early morning talk over some coffee
Thinking about the future is interesting
But you can’t predict so just wait and see

Then you got that real drama
Like a ******* soap opera
Know when it’s coming it ain’t ever a shocker
Just keep your mouth shut to keep good karma

Double edged sword
You gave them your word
Not a necessity
But a possessive desire
Got burnt by the fire
But it felt so good

Thinking they’re gonna be the death of you
But it doesn’t matter when it’s just them and you
In bed getting close making moves
Not caring letting loose with nothing to prove

Because you both know about that ***
That it’s just the best
When you ain’t gotta worry what comes next
And all the dramatic and arguments can be put to rest

All the jealousy
Emotionally
Devotionally
Taking its toll you see

Misunderstandings
Demanding
Reprimandings
Seeing where you’re both standing

This whole time I’ve been talking about you and I
You’re the only thing take makes me aware that I’m alive
The reason I survive
Every day with you on my side

So stop with the opposition
I got one mission
No compromising positions
So look me in the eye and listen

I love you
I hate you
I need you
I want you

I don’t know what’ll happen today
And tomorrow’s too far away
We're way past yesterday
I guess what I’m trying to say is

All that matters is you and me
And all that we can ever be
Is loyal and honest to the highest degree
And try to take it one step at a time rationally
And walk hand in hand through our clandestine destiny

Double edge sword
I gave you my word
She got the best of me
I’m no liar
So cut me, slash me
I’d die for her

A myth of spirits
Of flesh and belief

A world of great pain
And those who beg for relief

The naked the starving
Began to praise the sun

They feared it and loved it
They proclaimed it to be the one

This formula was genetic
Imprinted on the brain of every man

A timeless devotion
A naïve emotion as old as sand

Disputes, disagreements
Blind pledged allegiance and war

The body counts rise
As the worshipers die and what for?

So self-righteous believers
Can say they did right

Counterproductive destruction
And senseless fights

So let’s stop this nonsense now
At once

And believe in ourselves
And just be thankful for the sun

Do not depend you need not defend
Its exuberant light is fastened so tight in eternity and shall not come undone

It will not do for you
It can only provide you light

It allows you to look clearly
And decipher wrong from right

Although it’s subjective
And moral objectives are rarely the same

Let us rejoice and throw up our voice
For ourselves without remorse or shame

Remember everything that you have heard and learned
And feel the wall of insecure illusions fall apart

The vagrant sat on the side walk with his coin cup in a state of wondering

As nine to fivers walk by

“Why do all of you waste your time chasing your own tails?”
“Why do you all want to be someone else instead of attempting to be a better you?”
“Your promises, your wishes and your wicked words are all components that make up who people perceive you as”
“How could you expect your ex-lover to return when they themselves are damaged, confused and riddled with uneasy outcomes they must determine on their own?”

There is no sun in the mirror
Insanity is sobbing
Barefoot run down unpaved roads going downhill hand in hand

Summer time sunshine kiss
Our peace is at risk

Summer time sunshine kiss
We’ll soon not exist

Summer time lover
The afterlife is much safer

Summer time lover
Our kind is endangered

Wake up every morning
Thinking
Drinking
Remember the times
Evade the nightfall
The cold spirits return
From granite gardens

Lion strike
Lion strike
Laying low
A herd of antelope

Lion strike
Lion strike
Standing still
Staring down the next ****

Lion strike
Lion strike
Hurry, pounce
Abrupt jounce

Lion strike
Lion strike
Hunger subsides
And you survive

On a humid mid-summer night
We traveled so far, yet so near
To a place of extravagant revelry
We had no idea what was to come that evening

It was an old-fashion party
Everything and everyone was illuminated
And why not?
It was the night of our celebration of freedom

Everyone was dancing and laughing
The sweat, the dilated pupils of the jubilant guests

I saw everything standing on the top of the wooden foothill

These stairs tested your level of intoxication
You could trip on them sober, they were so spread apart, numerous and inconsistent
And if you were drunk to the highest extent, you’d surely die trying to conquer them

We were swept away with a cold beer in each of our hands

A bearded man with a bottle of whiskey pored us shots
We downed them
And then another
In honor of the moment
And to the chance that our whiskey toting woman chaser would get laid that night

The evening was miraculous
Alcohol flowing like cool crystal rapids
*** being burned like drift wood on an unmapped deserted beach
And a vibe of comrodery between all in attendance

Digital pixilated snapshots to save this moment for nostalgic posterity

Beer pong seemed like an Olympic event

Kings
Flip cup
Thumper
Quarters

I took no part for I was too far gone by that point
I was a mere spectator
I was more interested in the various airborne angels floating in the ozone of ecstasy

I staggered up to each one individually trying to swipe a kiss or maybe even more

“Hi”
Kiss
SMACK

“Hi”
Kiss
SMACK

“Hi”
Kiss
SMACK

“Hi”
Kis­s
Kiss back

Whoa
Who
Was
This?

A familiar face

A gaping hole of pleasant surprise opened on my face
A look of false anger on hers appeared

SMACK!

We laughed and said hello then did a shot
***!

Then another

And talked
Our chuckles were reminiscent of an orchestral arrangement

The mother of our seemingly invisible host stood up and herded the whole party into a unanimous silent yield

“TEQUILA!” she shouted

And the whole backyard of sweaty, out of it, ***** young faces cheered and tapped the thumping music back on and formed a line

The bottles flew open like flimsy shutters during a maelstrom of wind

Limes and salt were being passed around like ten cent ******

After the last drop of tequila was guzzled down the party seemed to be swaying to and fro
And all of us had the same heavy eyed toothy smirk on us that says “yeah…I’m done”

The glorious angel that I had plucked from the heavens and I wandered to the corner of the commotion and perched ourselves in a high tree and kissed

And right below us two of our friends began to make indiscrete inebriated love to each other on a rusty swing set

Nice

But our passionate, fearless kiss blocked that out
It was so pure and shameless
Even though we both knew we were betraying the trust of our then insignificant others

The sound of bachata
The knocking of red solo cups  
Ping pong *****
And the ******* sounding voices of those trying to locate them
Were a loud soundtrack to our lustful voyage into each other’s comfort zone

We talked for what seemed like hours about how we were attracted to each other for so long
And how our relationships at the time left us unhappy and unfulfilled

We had a mindful understanding of one another
Neither of us had that before

But all of a sudden
The beer
The ***
The whiskey
And the tequila
All came back to say hello
Then goodbye as they flushed themselves out of my system and into our host’s garden

No one noticed
So I continued to relieve myself on the tomatoes and basil

The angel rubbed my back and let me go

And when it was done
She kissed me

Then and there I knew she was mine
And I was hers

Nothing mattered

Not my infinite bile projections
Not my unfit partner
Not my scarring past
Just her
Only her
Right there
Right then

We walked back to the epicenter of the soiree to see people leaving to go make their own myths of ****** endeavors
And the good friends sober enough to help their blacked out pals get home safely

So, my friend and I bid our goodbyes and thank yous to our friends and our host and their family and wobbled home
With a flaming heart and an empty stomach
Also a bladder full of bad decisions that I unleashed upon a parked dump truck on my journey home back to my bed

I’m busting out of this oppressive penitentiary of negativity
I’ve got the determination to transform my laughable dream into an applaudable reality
I refuse to be held here for another second
No locks, no cameras, no rubber rooms or electric chairs will hold me
I’m free

No blockade of words can cause me to halt
Opportunity is knocking heavily at my door
I open the mahogany entryway and welcome it inside
I make it tea and have a deep conversation about things to come

“You’ve been in the dog house for too long”
“Yeah, but every dog has its day”

It’s calling to me
Time to initiate my aspirations

Cheers to the future
So long to the past
Now I am here
On a paramount path

The path is made or salty tears, perspiration and sacrificed blood
The satisfying end justifies the brutal means
Not a soul had a single ounce of faith in me
Naysayers only bring you down
Now I’ve made it
Their mouths drop in disbelief and can’t seem to make a sound

Escape the prison of “won’t”, “cant” and “never”
And all those who doubt you are prison guards, liars
Breakout from the discouragement
Then set the jaundice jail on fire

Never needed them
Self-proficient

Shut up
And open your eyes
And observe closely
As your callus skepticism dies

Thank you for keeping me in the dark
I’d have no reason to reach for the light other wise
I look at you fall as my dreams rise

I forgot my sunglasses
I left them on the window pane
Left them far behind
I’ll never see them again

Now the sun will surely blind me
It’ll take away my sight
In day light I can’t see
Visions only good at night

I forgot my dignity
I lost it a long time ago
Please don’t pity me
Not at my all time low

Detonation
Levitation
Annihilation


I want to let go
Hold on, hold on to me
I want you all to know
What’s wrong
What’s wrong with me

My mother only had one son
But it ain’t enough

I’ve paid all my dues
It ain’t enough

Oh no
Rolling on to ruin
Gluing quarters to the roof
Make a dollar, it’s the rule

Used as a man, seen as a boy
This is all
Am I moving too slowly?
Does anything move?

Roaming over love until noon
Rapid rivers look brand new
Licking scabbed wounds

Overlook my truancy
As if you’ve never known
Looking for nonexistent proof
Looking over cratered moons

Thank you sir
Thanks so much
Where are you headed?
Are those handcuffs?

Run out the night
Hide from the day
Forget the truth
Burn all my shame

Stay out of the light
Conceal your face
Keep a gun close
And don't speak my name

What you got there?
Why you got a gun?
How’d you escape?
What are we running from?

Run out the night
Hide from the day
Forget the truth
Burn all my shame

Stay out of the light
Conceal your face
Keep a gun close
And don't speak my name


North
South
East
West
Magnum .45 and a bullet proof vest

Cops on our tail
“Death before jail!”

Going my way?
Going my way?
Going my way?
Going my way?

Going my way on The Endless Highway
Going my way on The Endless Highway
Going my way on The Endless Highway
Going my way on The Endless Highway

Going my way down The Endless Highway

As I ponder what to write
I think of the only constant in my life
What’s kept me going and guessing
I speak of love

From the age of three I had the feeling
By the age of five a girl was stealing
My heart it was a little crush
It was still love

It was up in the air
The feelings weren’t returned
Fell in despair
My naïve heart was burned

At age eleven puberty had hit hard
There was a new girl a new start
She had a tight grip on my heart
What was lust I thought was love

High school came and changed my world
And that’s cause there were three girls
But the pain makes my toes curl
Another complicated tale of love
Its up in the air
My first real love
Two years toiled in pain
I didn’t care
I had gone insane


So naïve
So unsure
And now I grieve
But I want more

Soon after I started fresh
Now this one was the best
But I had doubts so I left
I walked out on love

You see it was too good to be true
I was ****** and worried and confused
I wanted her back but she refused
I don’t think I deserve love

Up in the air
She’ll never come back
I don’t care
It fades to black

Maybe I should be alone

Or go after lust

Answers never shown

And this feeling I don’t trust
It's up in the air

One day while job searching
I stumbled upon what at first glanced looked like a massage parlor
And I, being in desperate need of money went inside in hope of employment
I walked inside to find three middle aged, stressed out business men sitting in chairs
And the sound of Asian string music being played
And six private booths with moans of pleasure coming out of them
The businessmen had a look of awkward shame on them under the dimmed lights
An Asian woman came up to me and said “hello!" You want massage?”
“No, thank you” I said politely
“I’m wondering if I can have a job”
She looked at me with a smile and said “Job yes, yes fifteen dorra!”
A confused look came to my face
A young black haired beauty from the East came over dressed in almost nothing, “She give you good job, fifteen dorra” said the woman
At that moment I knew what this was, a special massage parlor
“Uh, no thank you, uh bye” I stammered and sped walked to the door and down the stairs

I could not believe that that had just happened, a brothel so close to my home

Well, it made sense there were like five others that got raided and shut down on that street less than year ago
But *******, I just wanted a job
I knew I would go back there though
I just needed a job to make money to get the job that Asian lady was talking about

I left there with a feeling of hilarious confusion and the knowledge of a place where you are guaranteed a happy ending

The moment for us to say our goodbyes has come
Our eyes will flood then we’ll be on our way
A final farewell to what once belonged to both of us
Times run out but we have plenty of regrets

My brown eyed November
You’ll never know what you were worth to me
Even after the fights, the excruciating frustration

I would walk on broken glass barefoot just to get to you
To be honest there isn’t much I’d do for you
But now I can’t do anything
I gave you everything and you walked away

I know, but you don’t
Have a clue how much damage you’ve done to me
I never told you my secrets
I never told you everything

My brown eyed November
You don’t know how much you meant to me
The moon fall and the sun rise
Shine on our lies

I knew you were treacherous
Yet I still clinged to you hoping maybe it would all change

Let’s end this, I want it
I need to calm down

My brown eyed November
You are truly invaluable
The ocean bathes us the sand dries
Cleansing our lives

You couldn’t care less
My appreciation goes unappreciated
If it isn’t and I am wrong
Please, now is the time to tell me

The karma
Bad karma
The cause of all of this

The memories of you will stay even when you are gone
Mistrust will linger but hope resonates
We’re like summer in the fall, we’re leaving
Mistreating, believing
After all this I don’t want to be your one and only victim
What do you care? You never believed in soul mates or in true love

I can’t stay, even though I want to
You gave false hope and empty promises
Injected me with a tranquilizer and put me in a state of gullibility
Was I dramatic or miserable?
I know you can’t be replaced, why would I want another one like you?
So good bye my brown eyed November

Imagine your surgical procedure being done by someone you’ve left broken hearted
Surely they’ve put aside the petty squabbles in the past and are prepared to operate

No anesthesia…how curious
Why are your limbs fastened so securely?

Her empty gaze captures your eyes
She looks away and begins the first incision
Down the middle of your abdomen
A cry of stinging pain fills the four walled chamber of oncoming torture
The blade leads down to your waist and sliced open skin follows behind it
And inside dwell your organs within the ribs

Empty jars await their entry sitting on the counter

“NO!
“NO!” “STOP, PLEASE!”

She remains silent

Yet on the inside a roar of rage propels her to twirl your intestines with a fork like spaghetti and then put it in a jar
That was for the time you put her down and judged her harshly for being anorexic.  
She only wanted to be pretty enough to deserve you

She has waited a long time for this delayed gratification
It has been put off due to her indecision's of how she planned to force feed you your just desserts

A hunting knife into your back?
Too messy
Get a new lover and rub it in your face?
Too predictable
Arsenic or sulfuric acid poisoning?
To easy
The thought of bashing you on social media and bringing out all your grotesque laundry and despicable skeletons?
Well that would diminish her reputation and you; in her eyes are not worthy of that

So this was her concluding decision
Precariously and tediously breaking you down bit by bit

An angel of death with a vendetta against a betraying heretic of love

She plucks your kidneys out with a pair of clean stainless steel tweezers
And drops them in a jar then twists the lid back on tightly

That was for all the times you pressured her to take part in things that went against all she believed to be right and true
“Here, drink this”
“Snort this”
“**** this”
“We don’t need one”
“This won’t hurt”
“Come on don’t you love me?”
Your screams have been silenced with gauze bandages
The muffled agony is like a serene symphony to her

You hurt her
You took her
And had her change everything about her to the point she couldn’t even recognize her reflection in the mirror
What was once a beautiful blonde haired, bright eyed, clear skinned young woman became a pale, thin haired, strung out, sunken eyed broken shadow of herself
All because of you
And your intimidating influence

She spoons out your liver, the your bladder and pancreas
The appendix has already been taken out, on her dime
Remember that?
You had her move in
You had her pay a little of the rent
Then half of it
Then all of it
She worked while you shot up
Then you got her to start shooting up
She lost her job and you two lived on the streets

You’ve passed out now
Your moans and squirms are gone

She proceeds to remove your stomach
This was for what was the most traumatic and tragic moment in her life

You got her pregnant, around the same time you convinced her to join you on a drinking binge
Months later she told you she went to the doctor
And the doctor said your child was still born
Can you recall the sleepless nights of tears and anguish?
Of course not you were invested with another woman at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon

The jars are filling up
Two remain

She rips out your lungs with her bare hands
You told her you would marry her, you would love and cherish her forever
Instead you ruined her life and drove it into the ground
You made her feel lonely even when you were right next to her knocked out in some doped up trance

She bashes your skull open with a rock hammer and picks up your brain and removes the stem
She looks at it
She would have believed it to be more sinister looking
And smaller
Into a jar it goes

Last but not least she looks at your heart
It stopped beating
Your black heart
Full of malice and careless arrogance
Your brutal, evil heart
She rips it out with her own mouth
And takes a bite and swallows
It tastes like a rotten sour stinking fruit
Putrid and vile

Your carcass tied to an operating table
Your torso torn open
And your organs removed and put in jars

The girl you wronged is now satisfied
You are even
You can pass on
And she can move on

When we make little cracks in the stained glass window
It means we’re away for the moment
Caught up in the yellow frost
It came over us
We are not angels
I try to rise above the madness
We are not the answer
We are out of the picture
Everybody wants it
Everybody can reach it
Come out and touch me
Forget how you lived once before
Give and get forevermore
We are the proof in the pudding
We are the bigger picture

       -Tommy Johnson

Hush now
In this pain
There’s a broken bone
Felt on me
Where we’ve been
Fascinations
In the faithless age
Guess again
At your fingertips
As the lake
Flows on away my friend
Men grow old
Every child knows the end
Drive fast
While we stand here
Someone help
Get me out of here
Our spirits name it
And it’s so huge and wide
I’ll make it great
Go back
Dot the I’s
Darling
In the sea air
Liar
Kiss her
Shine against her
It’s hard to tell
Get off
Tired games
Goodbye

Chewing away at the minutes
Swallowing the seconds
And spitting out the hours
To make up a day at a time

Thank you
I’ve been waiting to unveil my surprise

Wrapped in lace and ribbon
Forgotten not forgiven

A shard of glass
From the window
You once fell
Happy birthday

For on the day you hit your head
Not a word was ever said
That you were dead
So happy birthday

I shall lay it here
No one had ever known
Only I
Only me

Happy birthday

The humid, stiff air in the room
Being broken by the squeaking fan
Shaking violently at full speed
The florescent lights three, shining bright
It all comes here, back to the room
My place of solitude

He sat down at his desk
With his face buried deep into it
His sweatshirt road his broadened shoulders
Something about this guy interested me
He was new, fresh slate at a new school

We exchanged hellos
We exchanged names
I threw out an invite to chill
And he politely and happily accepted

There was something odd about him
In a good way
Offbeat
Offbeat boy
I gave him a nickname because his real name was to plain for him

I introduced him to my circle and they didn’t like him at first
But over time they became as thick as thieve
We all were
New bonds were made
Bridges built and doors opened

The things he would say
So random
So off base
So hilariously out of place
I loved it
I always looked forward to what he was going to say next

He was a true friend
There was no lying, no evil in him
He was pure, a pure person

He loved nature
His love was Mother Earth
Shedding at tear at environmental ignorance

He was socially awkward
He couldn’t talk to girls, or anyone that wasn’t one of us
He would get into fight we would have to talk him out of
The confusion he gave to the teachers and frustration he gave to the entire student body
He didn’t know any better

Writing a funny speech about what he would do if he was voted for class president
Then having it being taken as a threat against the school thus getting him suspended and having the police search his house for weapons

The complete disbelief of his guidance councilors
And the flabbergasted administrators were all gut busting comedies to us

As we approached graduation news of him going into the navy came about

And we were all in disbelief
But it was true
A boy who couldn’t life a five pound dumbbell was going to serve our country

Good for him

Even now I can recall our adventures up to that point
Staying out late and wandering the streets in the middle of a cold winter night
Cat calling at the mall, trying to pick up girls
Breaking things
Invading private properties
Avoiding police entanglements
Detentions
Suspensions
So many laughs
So many memories

When he left it was as if the once bright aluminous room we all shared was a little bit dimmer
But we were full of pride
We knew he would shine on else where

From Michigan to Texas to California for boot camp and training he went
Our friend went on a journey, his own journey

One year later, we all await his return

He is back, oh the change is overwhelming
He shines brighter, he’s witty
He’s mature, bold and confident

He’s become a man, he found himself

He has claimed his long sought after love

The one who has been walking a difficult path and strides in beauty

He made passionate love to her last night
He woke up from her house and came to mine at 5 AM

I awoke to find him sipping coffee in my kitchen; he had a smile in his heart that was bigger than the stupid grin on my face
I sat and talked to him, chugged my coffee and got dressed

No we were going on another adventure, two weeks
Two weeks with him was all I have
Then he’s being deployed for two years
He speaks of oncoming war with Syria and North Korea
His views have changed
He believes in war
My, my I’m astonished
This is my friend?
The awkward, soft spoken dude in my history class?
Now I wait to see what happens next
With one of my dearest friend, Chives

Pick a stance and stay there
But I can’t because I can see both sides
Where they come from and why
So my decision may take awhile to become final
I’m a hypocrite because I do what I say not to do but why?
I am not true to myself at time when I speak
I doubt my emotions and thoughts
I enjoy breaking rules, even my own
I am as curious as anything
But are those excuses? I don’t know
Trying to rationalize and justify my lack of self discipline
Does that make me less of a person or more of who I really am?
I feel sick; my health isn’t what it used to be
I’m failing my classes; that never changed, just got worse
I’m becoming who I am, who should I be?
I should be me
I could lie to myself and say “be the best me!”
But that wouldn't make me happy
I’d do it because I’d feel like I should
So I’d be a hypocrite and lie to myself
So I’ll keep what morals and values and feelings that have stuck to me and flow on in life trying my best to be true
       -Tommy Johnson

Way past the months and lunar cycles and bodies of land
I ask you if the curtain needs to be drawn
The sun staring you in eye
It's too much for you to bear
And the occasional saddening feeling begins to settle inside you
The morning is here
It is wide awake
Open your eyes
As the dawn breaks
And your mind wanders and slides on your senses and patterns of thought

The spinning torrent has brought me here
She struggled to get my attention
Bent on disclosing her abashed query of if she exists or not
By asking for my point of view

I could not answer, there was salt water filling my lungs and my body was so thrashed from the choppy sea

Eyes widened and steady, a look of anticipation covered her face
Floundering to piece together and answer with a flower in her hair
I tenderly reply with a hesitant assurance that she did indeed exist

Knowing somehow that I have been in an awful typhoon and was tossed in the enormity of the spontaneous waves

She told me to dance in the unbridled ecstasy of my survival
She knew why I crossed the sea
My lover of yesterday’s past abandoned me on a sandy shore
And left a note stabbing at my manhood, prompting me to fight for her if my love was true

So I built a boat and vigorously shipped out  
Darkeyed, mad and my heart tinted so no one could see my pain, only my determination

Roaming the ocean in an attempt to preserve my notions of love and faith

The guilt in my tender flaming heart gushed out
I’d done wrong and now I had to come face to face with me unavoidable comeuppance
Embodied in the sea
Devouring my consciousness and pumping my mind with bleak unclarified riddles, insufferable seminal propositions  

Revisiting vignettes so vivid as if they were in high definition Technicolor right before my eyes

The attraction, the pursuit that followed
Then the incomprehensible weaving of the souls

Suddenly the details of it all flooded into my brain
The fights
The lies
The unmitigated greed and narcissism caused by a chemical imbalance and a troubled past

So many reasons pointing me in the direction of which I came but I refused to yield and trudged on
As I rode the waves I became delirious, on a spree of self-induced affliction
Relocating my focused mind to a realm of contradicting confusion, being strangled by spontaneous bursts of uncertainty and rejection  
Until my boat started to sink
And all my fears and demons escaped
I didn't care if I died
I had no reason to live anymore, I wasn't afraid to meet the angel of death for an untimely yet causal powwow
The waves, monstrous and substantial
Hurling me back and forth
My hopes
My determination
My wall crumbled
The mythology of love had no merit to me any longer
The water was taking a toll on my organs until I ultimately blacked out

I remember being scraped against the bedrock of a lagoon
Coughing up blood, but realizing I was alive
Yet I felt dead ion the inside

And a figure came to me overhead
It was the girl with a flower in her hair who asked me if she existed
Her black hair shined in the sun as she pushed it back behind her ears
Her brown eyes full of wonder and honesty
Red lips teaming with sweet sounds behind them
I felt calm
I felt anxious
Anxious for I wasn’t expecting to see or come in contact with anyone

I didn’t need to do anything
But admit she was real

She knew who I was, what I had done and what happened to me

She ****** the girl who strung me along to cross the world
She told me to forget and move on and to learn from it and cultivate myself

This oracle, so benevolent
So graceful, I could not believe she was real
She wasn't a mild hallucination
She was as tangible as I

She taught me that

To look inside myself
To live for myself
“Come let’s cut ourselves open to see what we look like on the inside”

Blasting out of the fog and mud
Past the forests in the sunrise
Farms and high ways
Trotting through suburbia
Through the tunnel
Defacing and refusing to allow themselves to be part of an unjust ******
Believe in the intermingling of colors
Waiting for the planets to fall into place
To stop for a moment and inhale the abundant harmony that surrounds them and emote and create a inspiring response in the form of self expressive freedom that matches the beauty that had compelled them

Onomatopoeias
They are setting up camp
On the tip of my tongue
Sarcastic tooth fillings
Profanity coats my gums
My lips chapped from social phobias

I fill the empty spaces of the conversation with senseless banter

I avoid the waiting faces
Making no eye contacts
Trying to come up with a response

What would you say we are?
Acquaintances?
Strangers?
Aliens?
Or friends?

Trying to give off a certain vibe

On the listens, smiles and invites

I don’t know you
You don’t know me
But that doesn't mean I’m not interested
Small talk is an obvious front

Oh Tuesday morning
The frost of the lawn
Persuades me to stay home
Cut class and brew some coffee
And take refuge in William Blake

My bed is double functional
I use it to make love on
And it is where my mind becomes extracted from my body and goes to planes of potent virtuosity
Where the sheer sound of self-reflection is an incredible pleasure
The body, a conveyor of material wants and superfluous desires is left behind in puzzled abandonment
But the mind does not lament
It blasts out of the squaller of the western world and all of its heavy reliance on demystified theatrics and the attempts of restoring a cleavered generation gap
The mind’s finesse and savage grace carry it to a hypnotic river of awareness and comprehension
The river bed is self-continued
The latency stage is over, all indications point forward to end the played out injustice of self-deprivation , run with fluidity and quit the life of a spectator
Then, pool into the communal crown
Where we are all holy royal
Where we are all enrolled enthusiasts of freedom from one’s own shackles of doubt and shame
The corrupt coercion is out of favor and now we've assembled without the fear of involvement
For we've been in play since we crawled out of the womb
But it is now that we have decided to speak
And this drastic turnover is first and foremost and idea, no more no less
Not a law
Not a war
Not a religion
Not and organization or a political party
It is an idea to let the mind wander and find independence
Independence from the body, the world and all the smoke and mirrors that pollute it daily
Then grab the vibrations of positivity in terms of thought and action then touch with an extension of personality
So go, live in your uptight, delightful, tangible world and dispel this theory
I’ll stay here sitting astride this moot point
      -Tommy Johnson

I am a demon within the meek and fatally wounded
There is no innocent blood
All that is spilled is the red liquid of sin
Killing is no joy but a necessity
But all is well
For we are all mad after all
Let us dissect our insanity
Puncture the jugular of fear
Feral children’s muffled cries for mercy
We’re all in on it
Hypnotic insomnia
Open eyed moonlit wanderings
Spectating the impending doom is the ever diligent, all knowing entity
We’re all on the clock
The chopping block
Alone and startled
Exercising the eternal devourer of souls
The flesh of Beelzebub
The ones from under the bed, in the closet within your head
With the expressionless faces and evil eyes
The omnipotent offspring who has visions of the undead
Urging it to join
A noose, how romantic
Lovingly and creatively carving out your innards
Neglect was the cause for this uproar
And now no one’s safe
Next in line to be spat out of hell
Laughing
Laughing, whispering what little they can
Piecing together fragments of the soul
Brain bashing nightmares and legendary agony
Squealing sacrifices from burning webbed chambers of torture
The tearing your skin
Flowing of tears
Followed by the pursuit of death and its arrival
It’s here

Who am I?
Who am I?!
I am the one who sleeps naked
I am the one who sneezes two times after I awake every morning
I am the one who ****** for at least a minute straight
I am the one who measures my water by the quart
I am the one who cracks his spine, his neck, his knuckles, his knees, his ankles, his toes and his writs
I am the one who can’t breathe through his left nostril as good as the right one
I am the one with an oddly large tongue
I am the one who the good lord has mockingly withheld a pair of full eyebrows from
I am the one who put ketchup on everything he eats within reason
I am the one who can play bass, some piano and four chords on the guitar
I am the one who loves The Doors unconditionally
I am the one you will see attempting to eat fast food and then shortly after ***** it all back up and wasting my money
I am the one who does not wear undrwear
I am the one who picks his nose, his teeth and his ears
I am the one who is insecure about his image
I am the one who is horrible at math
I am the one who works out two hours at a time
I am the one who will roll you joints, pack a bowl and get you higher than you ever been
I am the one who will do a shot with you then another and another
I am the one who will **** freely anywhere
I am the one who lights incense
I am the one who searches for answers from history, philosophy, music, literature, metaphysics, psychedelics and art
I am the eccentric expressionist who writes in poetic prosaic streams of consciousness
I am the one who tries to sing
I am the one who aims to sleep for eight hours but never does
I am the one who needs two cups of coffee and then a cup of espresso
I am the one who looks for enlightenment, progress and success and spiritual, physical and mental healing
I am the one who doesn't give a ****
I am the one who cares deeply
I am the one who confides in his own contradictions
I am a complete person
And I am the one who is ending this drawn out repetitive poem that’s been in my mind for months
But I leave my readers with this question...who are you?

******* there’s twenty dollars down the *******
Five cartomizers for this electric cigarette
Why am I even smoking?
I quit five years ago, so why even put this in my body?
Where is the logic in that?
Because I like what it does to me
I like the relaxing hush it puts over me
But ******* it!
These five little cartomizers full of nicotine ain’t compatible with the battery because they’re for the rechargeable e-cigs
The ***** at 7-11 didn’t tell me that, why would she?
It’s her gain and my loss.
That’s her logic “this clueless kid doesn’t know any better, he just wants his nicotine fix.”
****, just ****
So now I either go buy the rechargeable kit for another twenty dollars
Or I just buy another disposable one for ten dollars and make the twenty I already spent completely worthless
Well
I’m not spending the other twenty, forget that right now!
I’m gonna buy another disposable one, then smoke the five nicotine cartridges, then the one it will come with then the first one I bought if it still has some juice left in it
All before the battery runs out and I gotta buy another one
Goodbye lungs!
Logic

She wore white satin lace
Her graceful charm, that face
Looked fierce, like she didn’t care
I’ve never seen one just like her
She’s one in a million rare
Both pairs of eyes met, we knew this was it
We’ve fallen under that spell we had denied for so longs
My heart is usually stone
And this warm feeling makes me scared

My mind is blank
My heart has stopped
And my tongue is tediously tied
We laugh and talked all night
Kissed and cried till the morning’s light
Lost in her essence until dawn
No one and nothing can take away
The moment that we had shared

My tongue is let loose
My heart is pounding
My mind is gone
Will we have tomorrow?
Neither of us will ever know
Unless the other decides to speak up
She’s not talking, so it’s me whose got to ask
But I ask myself, “Do I dare?”
       -Tommy Johnson

I have caused my own agony
All on my own
Brought about
All this suffering

She will never return
Played with fire and got burned
Here is my sincerest apology

All the memories, a slide show in my head
Words can’t be unsaid, the dog done died; the dog is dead

I hope our paths meet again
Not as enemies, not as friends
But as people who know loves is a fallacy

All the memories, a slide show in my head
Words can’t be unsaid, the dog done died; the dog is dead

I hope our paths meet again
Not as enemies, not as friends
But people who know loves is a fallacy

Abandon the calamity
That was you and me

This poem indicates my scatergorized pattern of thought
We are a generation of gas masks and 3D glasses
Now we are a nation of bullet proof vests and USB drives
Grotesque regurgitated shallow sympathy
Universal imagery
I’m no type of Sadducee
In medicated revelry
Mood disorders and bipolarity
Inspiration
Found at the bottom of a decanter from Macedonia
Truculent truths and the opposition of common place thought
Andy why am I so indignant prey tell?
Because
I
Am
Drunk
Ha ha ha

Because man made spheres of synergy are treading on the verge of life support
No cooperation within the conglomerations
Perhaps we need brotherhood outside the cubical
The economy failing
Middle class working heroes about to **** themselves
But they have no money to buy a gun…out the window it is!
As insurance men and tax collectors and bill collectors beat a smile from my face with overturn fees and late fees with interest
And are all my reactions just misplaced projections?
I say **** ‘em I have no money
I’ll pay you when I can
What more can I do?

Insomnia and delirium, awake at 4 AM
The bed doesn't feel warm and cozy, like it doesn't belong to me
Everything that I desire goes against all I require to keep going
But I know I'm not the only one out here, there's more of them

I'm sure I''m not the only one who believes in love
Not the kind in saturated love songs
Or in nonsensical fabricated romantic comedies
But in the kind where the hearts beat out of time together and the sensation is expressible but the two involved can understand the ecstatic passion in their minds and bodies

I hope I am not the singled out protester
Against the back handed complements put upon those looking for a admiring passer by
The lone stargazer with a faithful notion that more is out there and we are so small in the scheme of things but just as necessary as the rest of the universe
The last of the proprietors of peace, I pray I am one of many

Raise your hand if you've felt one of the following and while your at it shed a tear for the fellow phalanges in the sky

-Enraged
-Frightened
-Skeptical
-Disappointed
-Ashamed
-Dism­ayed
-Abandoned
-Forgotten
-Unimportant
-Betrayed
-Hurt
-Humiliat­ed

Both of my hands are right along side yours and they may be *****, have scars and bruises
But you know what?
They still work and they're still strong and will grapple the next hardship I face
And your hand will endure to, with your heart and the sense of what you need and what you want

At the next show of hand lets raise them to see whose felt enlightened,  loved, courageous, inspired and proud

That way maybe none of us ever have to feel alone

Unperplexed or confused?
Fire and ice
Rejection and acceptance
***** and *****

Has no grasp of the underlying meaning
As a meager happy tune come from the mouth
And a barrage of bullets disperse from the automatic
A song of love sung in a whisper as the lives of complete strangers are ended

Undertakers in the delivery room
Can never have enough
Already have too much
A cradle and a coffin to set the mood

Take your pills, open wide
Swallow it with your pride
It’s a cure, overdose
Keep your head down and your mouth closed

We’re so
We know
We’re shallow
I know

You can call it narcissism
You can blame it on materialism
Our delusions, indecision
Children of the Great Recession
Update status
Pop a Xanax
There was texting
Now we’re setxing

We have the gall to have a sense
Of undeserved entitlement
We’re over educated and unemployed
Apathetic and annoyed

We’re so
We know
We’re shallow
I know

You can call it narcissism
You can blame it on materialism
Our delusions, indecision
Children of the Great Recession
Pictures reblogged
Arteries clogged
Kandi kids
Digital natives

Anxiety, can’t concentrate
As obesity permeates
What will happen? Time will tell
And remind us of Y2K and when the towers fell

We’re so
We know
We’re shallow
I know

You can call it narcissism
You can blame it on materialism
Our delusions, indecision
Children of the Great Recession
Lets the bass drop
Generation lost
It’s hard to live
When you’re hypersensitive

As a child I always wish for time to go faster so I could grow up
And since I’ve been here I feel something’s missing and I’m not sure what
I think I need I need a change, I need to get out of this rut

Life time sun shine, glimmering in her hair
As soon as the fates called me better believe I ran
I’ve heard this sound a million times but can’t remember where

Nineteen found love, as pure as it could be
What dreams are made of, intoxicating fantasy
She said she’d love me till the last rose was gone
And even till this day the promise stands strong

I’ve felt the cool hand of loneliness, its saddening caress
But on hot July night, I broke free and ran out of sight
I found the one to give my heart
It’s felt like magic from the start

All the words are filled with beasts and demons
Except for one
The one that melts my iris in its beauty
She parades in a riptide of water
And moves as if nothing was wrong

I lay here feeling warm and a bit sickly
Bringing myself back to where I belong
In front of a piece of digital papyrus and my fingers caressing the keys
And creating life in forms of fiction and nonfictional word play
Writing of things I’ve seen, things I’ve done
People I know people who have touched my life in one way or another
Persons who have decided to leave my life
Ah let them go to live their own
All is well
And I have learned that now
I say good bye to the one who made me experience love for the first time
I say good bye to the one who makes callous remarks to ones he held dear
I say goodbye to the one who acted as superior as they wished they were
I say goodbye to the new born youth and wish them luck and my the spirit of life carry you
I say good bye to the one whose time I wasted and to them I give an apology as deep as my insecurities for I wish I was stronger to confront them when you were around but at least now you know what makes you happy
I say hello to the one who is in the pit of despair as I was but only 2 years ago
I say hello to the one who is in a moral quandary not unlike mine all those summers ago
And I say hello to the one next door whose footsteps remain to be right behind mine, my dear friend I love you and I shall help you, all of you for you would and have done the same for me
And I fall to my knees and bow my head onto the gritty ground in praise of the radiant beauty of the soul that has picked me up and taken me to what seems to be the realm of relief
Words cannot express the thanks and worship I have for you
I say good morning to the one who brings out the human in me
I make lunch for the one who feeds my heart with love so pure and true
I will take you where ever you want; you want to be with me
That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard
No wait that is your voice so sweet and honest it’s like the blast from the shiny brass trumpet in a jazz jam
Oh, my life has been renewed
My life has changed
Yet again but it has never stopped
Nor shall I
I will continue to grow and learn and unavoidably get hurt along the way
I had what I thought was the most important thing in the universe taken away and completely and utterly destroyed
I lost my faith, faith in it, faith in myself, and faith in others
Until I saw that nothing had changed I was just facing the wrong way and not listening to my inner self
I am now back on the right track and I will fight to make sure nothing derails me

I’ve come to know a soldier; he marches across the gritty sand
I’ve made bonds with a trooper who fights for the rights of man

He said “I can’t go no further I miss my girl, her lovin’ trumps everything I’ve seen in this wide godforsaken world!”

My friend was tense and had a determined stare
A crew cut, fifty pounds of gear and the burden of loneliness to bear
His feet began to move, and now he leaves for home
For this dune sea has been dissected and over combed

Picture of her in his pocket
Her name, tattooed sleeve
Back pack of letters received

Welcome mat greeting
Unlocked, opened screen door
She can’t believe
Her soul mate has returned from an endless war

She is an empress, goddess of the river
Weeping willows shade her, the life giver
We must praise her, and her gentle rapids
He is a lost and confused soul in labyrinth
She was his empress, his goddess of the river

His hair fluttered in the wind, the rhythm of the world
Her eyes shimmering in the sun set on the one she knows as the one
Her well-wisher, worthy fisherman
He wants to swim in her currents and he can
For he is the river goddess’s lover

Her crystal waters wash him
His kisses bring to her face an eternal smile
Her sandy rocky river bed exfoliate his feet
A promise of love they both intend to keep

I hate this
More than any other
I cringe at the thought
Our somber warmth disrupted
By a slash of winter
Blackberry winter
Closing my eyes
And preparing
For discontent
Here it comes
Insufferable splinter
Blackberry winter

The train blows through the town
Like an ***** in a steeple
Its whistle reverberates through the streets
Opening the eyes of the slumbering people
The sound leaks through my window
Through the dog’s door and my key hole

Bad drug deals, drunken arguments outside my door
Cats meowing and police sirens screaming
The wind rustling in a rushing roar
I’m blinded by the headlights gleaming

The smell of bud and gasoline fill my nose
My eyes have their bags packed
Please keep the volume low
On this three in the morning soundtrack

Sun gets past the blinds
Birds chirping mercilessly
Pancakes being burned
Let’s have at it

But first, I need my coffee

I know my affection for her is something that could be mistaken for lunacy
My urgent yearning may seem desperate
I’m infatuated with all her actions, approaches and bold tendencies

What do you think?

Can’t you see?
Passionate insanity

I strive to be her guiding guardian
Her undeniable beauty

Even when she’s leaving and a trail of hopeless anger blended with frustrated disgust follows
Because I know she’ll be back and she knows I’ll be here waiting

All of my soul
All of my life
All of myself
All of my love

All of the times
And the tell tale signs
This girl is rare
As we stare fondly into each other’s hearts

I’ve been to the west
I’ve been up north
I’ve seen the best
I’ve survived the worst

I’ve had nothing and I had it all
The cost of living, just something I can’t afford

I’m saving
Loose change
I’m saving

The checks I cash
The weeks I fast
Collection baskets passed
Oh how long will this time of strain last?

I’ve traveled to the east
I’ve driven down south
And its saying the very least
When I say I’m down and out

I’m saving
I’ll rearrange
I’m saving

The choice I make
The risk I take
It’s make or break
Life is no fun without gambling with high stakes

You know the cool advancements over the moon, you are self aware, you have locked the castle and you have the key
You are alive, but are you living?
New definitions of omnipotence
Add-ons to mythology and legends
Commemorate the mirages from our travels in the blazing desert
The rage is shaking Torrent Mountains
Our love is somewhere lost at sea
We’re being relocated to skid row by jubilant cherubs
Seminal Neanderthals are steadily cupping their hands to somehow try and avert their chances of getting short changed
We are living in the faded age
The sun is a soggy cancerous being
Nihilistic brigades pour out on to the bleak playing field and its side lines
Preserving the first shots on the non-guilty
Spiddles of blood on the adrenaline fuels catalyst of violence
The crickets and aphids are gassed
Birth, life, death, after life or after death
Forgo this bluff of nothingness, of course there's more
You go first into this quest; for the clarity that shatters the idea of our precipitous finales
      -Tommy Johnson

Emotions offbeat and concerning
The Dream Weaver
Laid on a snowy beach
Hand behind his head
In the serene landscape

“Hello friend”
“I am home”
“I’ve been gone for quite some time”

“And I must give you this”

“A flower”

“Its seed will give you the answers to all the questions ever asked”

“And you may die content”

“You are welcome”

“Now wake up”

       -Tommy Johnson

Capture the moment
Joyous and pure
I tell you I love you
Shouting affectionate honesty
Can openers to reveal the unknown

My mothers my sister
My brothers her brother
Our fathers our cousin
His parents are his brother and sister
And I their grandchild  

Kinship connected by blood
Our eleven toed tribe
Live rich lives of hard work
Keeping to ourselves

Peaceful loving
Yet looked down on
Put in the corner
But we digress

The planet is flooded
Submarine to New Zealand from Greenland
Torpedoed decisions, a well needed rest is at hand
Plastered, what a bash looking back at it
I needed that, now… where are my shoes?

Don’t fall victim to our dimension’s perilous plight
Can you feel it?
Feels like earth quake machine guns
Listen
Sounds like incriminating yarn being spun

According to the zodiac I’m a crab

According to the eastern wheel I’m an aquatic rooster

Yet I know myself as a coyote

And I say on to you

Tomorrow is never guaranteed
So live life today as if the next day brings the expiration date
Before our world curdles into a smelling spoiled carton of waste