I like people who hurt me.
I promise I don't enjoy the pain they put me through
But in some masochistic way,
I like people that hurt me.
It's easier that way.
Loving someone who you know will put you through torment
whose true colors already show,
than to trust the innocent flower unaware of the snake that hides beneath it.
I can't be caught surprised,
can't say I didn't see it coming
So I love people who hurt me

Every time someone leaves me
it feels like they’ve taken a dagger straight to my heart
It isn’t a fast motion but slow and painful
The suffering prolonged.
It isn’t made out of metal, but wood
When it’s pulled out of my body  
Each time, they leave behind pieces of themselves,
splinters
I wonder how many I’ve collected?
Im sure by now I can create a dagger if my own.

The more time I spent with you,
the more addictive I became
and the more I needed you every day.

Being away from you gave me withdrawl.
The more I put you into my head,
the more dependent I became on you.

I didn't love you.
I don't think.
It was the idea that you made me feel safe
and helped me escape my own thoughts

I loved the idea of you
The idea of happiness
of a good, impossible thing.

And now that you are becoming
more and more distant
My mind is too.

I found a seed, and I planted it.
Watered it daily
Checked the soil in which it sat
Nothing happened so
I changed the potting,  
Giving it sun,
Made sure it saw the light
Checked it everyday
Did everything right,
Waiting for it to sprout something
Anything even.

But it didn't grow,
because the seed died

"her name"

I'm not overreacting
Not making up
negative scenarios in my head
I feel too much,
too fast

A thousand needles
rip and tear me
from the inside out
A weight inside me falling,
breaking my heart into a million pieces.

My heart feels like it has stopped beating
and it begins to be hard to breathe
for my lungs stop working
and I try to gasp for air  

I clench my fists
draw blood from my palms

Forcefully, I let out a smile
using it to cover up the pain I feel
And the tears hiding behind my eyes
As I laugh making painful jokes.

But you'll never know it
Because I hid it from you

built up my walls
to avoid this
reinforced them with metal
lined up the windows with wood
bolted the doors
Swore on my life that I wouldn't let anyone through
but I missed a hole in the corner
and a little mouse snuck in somehow;  undetected
but I let it roam as it pleased
It wouldn't harm me?

little did I know he was a devil in disguise

a brand new balloon
treasured by a naive child
he tries his best to keep it safe
but the wind carries it away
the string  drifting from his hands
moving further and further into the sky
and he can do nothing but watch

The cries, the screams
Ripping out the hearts
Of innocent souls
Tearing them to pieces
The chilling smile,
The evil laugh
The periodic lies  
Repetion
Repetion
Killing anything in his path
Making any joyful thing die
Painting roses with the blood of his victims
Drawing them in with a sinister act
Acting as if you care
But destroying them
Repetition
Repetition
No sense of feeling
No appeal for emotions
Throwing around the
"I love you"s
Eroding Trust
Creeping into minds
and Hurting Everyone
Regardless
Of who they are
And if the victim escapes....
Well....
They'd wish they were dead.
The actions of
my serial killer .

sometimes i feel like
everything I do,
every word I say is fake.
Like I've put on a mask for so long
I don't actually know the person underneath,
and it scares me.

In the canvas of my life, you're the masterpiece,
The best thing to ever grace my existence, an immeasurable gift.
With forest green, you pierced through my soul,

Before you, my days were shrouded in darkness,
A labyrinth without an exit in sight,
But your love illuminated the path,
You punched through the walls to get me out.

Your anger, though fierce, brings me solace,
For within its depths, I find peace,
I do not fear you, I never have
You are my shelter in life's worse,
My rock, my anchor, my best.
Everything about you sings of perfection,
Though rugged and sharp at the edges
You make living in this messed up eternity
easier to swallow.

In you, I find all that I need,
A love so pure, so true, so rare,
You are my best, my love, my soulmate,
Together, we're a formidable pair.

In the depths of my heart, "X marks the spot",
Where your love has made its home,
My best accomplishment by far,

I love you.

Running down a long hallway,
I crash into a door ,
the impending doom creeping closer with each breath
I push and shove , and even kick
but the handle doesn't budge
the danger is so close
if only I was able to unlock the door
I could escape
and be free
As it grabs hold of me
it looks me in the eyes
and swallows me up
but before i meet my fate
I catch a glimpse of the keys
which have been in my hands.

You’ve heard them say it countless times
Put on make-up to be “beautiful”
You’re a lady
Stand up straight
“Don’t wear skirts or tank tops”
Or the boys will get distracted
“Don’t eat too much” but
Confine yourself to the media’s
Version of what a woman
SHOULD be
Don’t be confident in yourself
And walk with your head low
“You’re not special
You’re like everyone else I know”
Don’t cut your hair too short
“Do you wanna be a boy?!”

Or maybe you have heard the other
Put on a fake smile
As you go about your day
Sadness is Weakness
And crying makes you less of a man
Don’t wear “girly” colors
Or you are “too feminine”
Refusing risks
Makes you a wimp

“Be a man”
They say
But what does that even mean
Don’t do things you love
But force yourself to
Throw on that jersey
How dare you want to
Pursue your dreams

Women can’t do this
Men can’t do that
All wrapped up in bubble wrap
Loving yourself?
What’s that?
Change yourself in ways
That deem YOU “perfect”
In the eyes of the world

But what does that word even mean?
Is a bird less perfect if it loses a feather?
Or a lizard less of a reptile when it sheds its skin?
The beach less of a beach when the tide roles in?
NO

I watch the world around me
Boys and girls of all ages
Being conformed to their gender roles
Hunted like the prey of a lion
Society stalking their every move
Making sure nothing is out of place

Who cares what the world thinks is “Perfect”
The absent minds of the world around us
Cannot be changed
Normal to you is not normal to them
Being “weird” is better than being generic
You are beautiful just the way YOU are
You are beautiful
You are perfect
You are…
YOU!

I sailed my boat through a raging ocean
Even though I saw the danger miles away.

I am engulfed in the violent waves
Tossed around in the sea
without knowing which way is up

until my lungs fill with water
and I sink to the bottom

I don't let  people in easily,
but the few people who have won my trust,  
Have been given a  loaded gun ​aimed at my heart
​At any moment any one of them could pull the trigger
My life is at their disposal

its so funny...
Its funny how you pretend to care
Funny how im always crying
Its funny how you always "promise"  
Funny how I believed you
It's funny how you leave me to rot
Funny how you hurt me this much
Its funny how you could be so fake
Funny how I  couldn't see a snake
Its funny how your slipping away
Funny how I let you
Its funny you hurt me nonstop  
Funny how I say nothing

But the funniest thing about all this is the fact that this has happened before ,
And what's even funnier about all this is I opened up to you--when I should've locked the *******  door

When you put a puzzle together
Each piece has its place
You all fit into a space
but I can’t find mine.

The universe only offers two options:

Being happy but never being good enough to the people who are supposed to care about you.

or forfeiting your own happiness to be seen as perfect in the eyes of the people you love.

I choose the second one.

i see them everyday
and i hate them
the way they smile
the way they laugh
i hate their face
every blemish
their body
every part
their arms
every scar  
just hate the way they are
the way they look back at me  
like i want to see them
the way they hide  
i hate the person that I see
and the person who's inside
but what i especially hate
is that person is me

I wish I coud turn it off
Emotion that is,
Turn off this thing that makes me vulnerable
This thing that makes me feel
I wish i could turn it off
Like a switch
And be this lifeless thing I already am
“Emotion is good”
But all its done is do me harm
Hurt me , everytime i try
So i want to turn it off  
With a single flip

there you are again
haunting my thoughts at night,
sitting in the corner of my room as I cry
your voice ringing in my ears

there you are again
invading my brain
making me miss you in the little things I see in him

there you are again
but did you really ever leave?

I create scenarios in my head about us.
make plans for the future.
But as much as I dream
It won’t happen.

Don't be silly.
How could he ever love someone like you?
That wouldn’t make any sense.

[he] wants to be around you
he [knows] you still like him  
he knows [that] he makes you happy
he wants [you] to stop
he is in [love] with you
he wants you to get over [him]
[he] subtly is telling you he likes you back
he [wants] to just be friends
he is waiting [to] ask you out
he doesn't want to[hurt] your feelings
he wants [you] to be his boyfriend

I’m holding onto a thin piece of rope
The only thing keeping me from falling
I can hear the 6 different voices
See 12 different hands holding one another
But not one realizes that I’m dangling below
No one bothers to ask where I’ve gone  
And I don’t speak up
I just continue to dangle below
Hoping that someone,
Anyone
Would see me
Thinking , someone has to actually care right ?
The rope is slowly breaking
Slowly disconnecting from where the rest of the bodies are congregated
Id pull myself up , but I’m weak from trying to hold on
I just want someone’s hand to reach out and pull me up
Anyone  
Before the string disconnects
and i fall

I need to get to work
Remove these bandages from my chest
and cut off these lumps with a chainsaw
Carve into my jaw with a knife until it’s sharp
Cut open my neck and pull my Adam’s apple forward
Chop off all of my hair and super-glue it onto my face and chest.
Take a chisel and hammer to my chin and hammer nails into my eyes.
Pump my muscles up with Co2, and stretch out my legs until I'm 6 feet tall.
Mold out the pieces of me that are missing and staple them on.
Cut and resew.
***** and Drill.
There’s just too much.
Too much of me to fix
And I don't know how much time I have left.

A girl. A sophisticated college student.
The pretty girl wearing a dress,
singing in the church choir, and is loved by the church
The perfect oldest daughter
and an example to her siblings
The smart granddaughter that everyone is proud of.
Taught to stand up straight,
Act and walk "like a lady"
Always smelling like fruit and flowers, in bright vibrant colors.
A beautiful young woman.

A boy. Scared to be himself.
In the same college,
working toward the same goals
Wears a suit,
doesn't sing for the choir
doesn't even feel welcome in church
He Smells of cologne, and his voice is higher than most men.
Always he wears baggy clothes in dark colors
He has siblings but they don't know him
Has parents but they are oblivious to his existence
His grandparents are proud of his accomplishments
but think he is someone else.
He slouches when he walks and sits weirdly
but still, he was taught to be chivalrous and knows how to be a gentleman.
A handsome young man.


Two lives. One truth.
The boy hiding behind the girl.

I’m an open book
The pages out for you to see
Every Line is written in my handwriting  
Authored by me,
the story of my life is not a secret
Everyone can see
Read my story
Know Who I am

I admit some pages are missing
Those are the ones I tore out
But it doesn't matter
You don’t need them

The thing is  
It’s easy to revise a story
Rewrite it the way you want
Erase the truth
And Lock the Original Copy
in a Safe
Where no one can ever read
The real me

The forest is fresh, and pure;
blooming with life
Abundant stream flows through the center
keeping the  forest alive
Nothing but peace comes from this forest;
until a sudden spark sets off an ever-going blaze
that rages
and kills  everything in its path
The life that once bloomed.
is turned to ash
and the river filled with life-
is now but a dry path
The forest tries to restore itself ,
with what remains
but the river that brought it life
has not a single
thing left

the forest dies

If you fold it ,
The creases remain
No matter how many times you try
The evidence of the creases will forever be there
But can slowly fade away…
If you crumple it up
More creases will appear
And the chance of the creases disappearing
Are unlikely
If you mark it up,
Evidence of that will stay
Even if you erase it,
The paper still holds the memory
If you cut it into little pieces
And try to glue it together again
There is no putting it back
To the way it was

I know ill never send this but.... 
I love you <3 
Ill always love you 
I know ill never send this but...
Ill miss you 
Ill miss the constant spamming 
the never ending calls
the way you made me feel special
Ill miss the way you made me smile
the way you always made me laugh 
I know ill never send this 
but... 
you meant the world to me 
you helped me more than you know
I know ill never send this but... 
I never wanted you to go 
I wanted you to stay but...youll never  know
I know ill never send this
know you'll never see 
exactly how much you made me happy 
you'll never know how much ill miss you
how much of me will be lost
You'll never know that everyday ill be missing you 
you just wont know...
just how much I really love you
Because I'll never send this.

Two hands hold each other tightly  
"Ill never let go, not a chance"
Love destroys the barrier called distance
For the pairs of hands have an alternate way
to get through the wall that threatens them

Laughter, Sadness, Love,
Shining light piercing the darkness
Eyes sizzling as if acid was upon them
The hands work harder than ever
making sure not to lose one second  
For every minute they spend
on this escape route
is a minute to cherish

Their exit is not through a magnificent tunnel
but a 6 inch portal
which they hold in their palms
A lifeline to the most
intimate human connection
Ever known to mankind

To you I seem fine right ?
I smile a lot more, and frown less
I laugh , and joke like nothing bothers me
No cuts on my wrist
no frown upon my lips
Is that what you see
when I say I'm fine?

If you really knew me
you'd see past the smile
and into my eyes
you'd see the darkness that lies within
the empty cold feeling , covered by lies
If you looked a little closer
and took more time
you'd see how much i've been dying inside.