Now that you're gone
it feels like a weight has been
lifted off my chest.

But now that the weight is gone,
corrosive emptiness replaces it
acid settles into the barren patch of my heart.

In hindsight, if i were given the option
of weight or emptiness,
I would choose weight.
But it's too late.

You put a weight on my chest,
Knowing it would be too heavy for me to lift.
Every time we were together,
You took it off,
Giving me instant relief.

When it was time for me to leave,
You put it back,
Making me not just want,
But need you to feel at ease.

So I kept going back,
Even though I knew I shouldn't,
Because I couldn't stand the discomfort of being away from you.

Until one day,
You broke me,
In a way that couldn't be forgiven.
So I left,
For good.
And still,
I couldn't escape the weight.

I tried and tried to get it off,
But no matter how close I thought I was,
It always crashed back onto me,
Restarting the same cycle of pain,
Erasing all the progress I thought I made,
Pushing the feeling of normalcy I had so often taken for granted,
Further and further out of reach.

There were so many days that I wanted to give up and go back,
Because I knew if I begged enough,
You'd take it off,
And take me back.

But I didn't,
Because I couldn't face you.
I couldn't be the weak thing you wanted me to be.
I had respect for myself,
And I knew that the tough girl inside,
Was still there.
I just had to endure this to get her back.

So even though it was the last thing I wanted to do,
I kept pushing,
Each and every day,
Exhausting myself,
Getting closer and closer,
Becoming stronger and stronger,
Until my persistence finally paid off,
And I removed the weight all on my own.

Now,
For the first time in weeks,
I am free.
I can enjoy each step, breath, and heartbeat,
Uninhibited and uninterrupted,
Because I fought for them,
I fought for me,
And I won.

The weight will come back,
If you don't put it there,
Someone else will.
That's life.
But I know I can take it off,
Without anyone else's help,
Because unlike the weight,
My strength is only here to stay,
And grow.

So thank you,
For making me better than I've ever been,
For forcing me to fight for myself,
For helping me realize,
That the only person I'll ever need,
Isn't you or anyone else,
It's me.

Average hair
Average weight
Average height
Average eyes
Not special, no, not quite.
I am that kid who tries but isnt noticed
I work hard until I can't keep going
But faliure always finds me
Like a mindless machine I fall back
Back where I started
Average
It's funny how I pray to be ill
to for once be different than them
Even though it could **** me.
I starve and I pray,
But is it really okay?
To live this way? Trapped in my mind
Laughing?
At me probably.
Finally
I am satisfied with the mirror
then temptation breaks me
And I'm back where I started
Average.
I dyed my hair pink
All I get is glares.
I want to be special but not like this
Even if it means I won't be happy
I'll do anything to no longer be
Average
Too tall to be cute
Too short to model
I've gotten no where at all,
The more I try the more I fail.
I will always be
Average
Average hair
Average height
Average weight
I want to not be able to remember the last time I ate.
They think I hate them
bit it's myself I despise
This smile is my disguise
I just want to be
Special.

I painted the pollution in the sky with my own blood
I was proud
So I sat below it, as it dripped back down
Puddle by puddle
I can see what it was that pain passed on
The pollution of my own wreckage
Thick, it choked my breath
I stress over my own twisted toxins
Carrying the weight of me
On my back

Back home.

Darkness covered the night sky
and trembled the stars into nothing.
The air blew fiercely with rage
yet calmed with every puff of smoke.
She inhaled
menthol filled her lungs and tingled her lips.
She sighed
a tear rolled down her cheek.
She thought
it was over, but more began to fall.
She was relieved
more than anything.
The weight carried on her shoulders
slowly moved away from her body.
She laughed
as the world slowed beneath her feet.

I am obsessed with my health. Not just simply my health, but my weight, and my eating habits, and my view on life and myself. I am so obsessed that it has now gotten to the point where it is all I think about, and it has become obvious to everyone around me.

I can tell you which lunch ladies at my school won't question your lunch choices, which teachers will let you sit in their classrooms during lunch because you don't want to be around anyone or food; I have memorized restaurant menus, and I can tell you the meals with the lowest amounts of calories. My photo gallery is full of screenshots of healthy, low calorie, low fat, no-sugar recipes that I intend to make when I choose. I follow 177 eating disorders blogs on Tumblr. One of them being my girlfriend, and I get notifications when all of them post anything new. I weigh myself everyday, I know what I am eating two days from now, I overexercise, and I can tell you how many calories are in the 6 200mg ibuprofen I take everyday before facing the world.

I have lost 20 lbs. That doesn't seem like something worth keeping to myself, but it is when you are a high school girl; it is when all girls think the same, and suddenly when they hear numbers, they want to be number 1; they want to be the lowest, to be the winner, to be the most miserable person.

I can tell you exactly what it feels like to be embarrassed of being in your own skin.

I love giving other people food because I want them to remember that food is good for them. I want them to feel as though being given food is a kind gesture, not a last resort.