i endeavour to burst
my glum queasy organs
by binging on the sun;
like a fattened sow
that wobbles to slop
against the mist of *****

i'll **** the lemon hard
mouth spasming with beams  
till the rinds soak up my gums
where the nihilism clots
like plaque around a tooth  
fouling up my lunch

maybe i'll explode
across a hopscotch grid
they can twist my guts for rope  
and the sticky sun will mop me up
sour blood to goddess rust
now that's what hope feels like,
i'm sure.

A shower does not melt away my stress,
it is my mask of fake joy
that I wear throughout the day
travelling down the drainpipes instead.

With the streaming water falling upon me,
my tears are not lonely—
but without the warm embrace of this water,
I do not feel real.

I can still feel the way your arms wrapped around my waist as you hugged me in the kitchen looking down at me with the biggest smile on your face
But- I can also recall the feeling of how cold it was when you pulled them away so your friends wouldn't see us.
I wondered why you were ashamed of us
But- now I realize that you were just scared of being in love.

I feel like having a little part,
A little part of the sun
Like the hope that it brings
Seeking to catch the rays of positivity
To bring some of it into my life,
To still burn brighter,
Rather than burning out
By all things that lead you
To you dismay,
Winding you down at the end of the day.

Sometimes it's perplexing
When I try to rise and shine,
To be brighter than life
These rays of the sun
When it gives me hope,
Knowing full well it will all come undone
By my discretion
With which I can't even cope
Things have some way to spiral,
Spiral out of control
Tricking me into believing
If I even had that power for a fleeting second
Well, some things have a bitter end
There's an end to this pretend
I'm trying to give it more,
More than it needs
Despite knowing the truth
Which is not so great as it always fades,
By the layers of the facade that lie underneath
Can't be unearthed,
It all feels surreal
But the effort is, in fact, very real.

Going back to the childhood days,
When you were bright as the day
Somewhere hidden these memories still lay
Pictures of your innocence,
Dragging you around
The bluntness of reality leaves you to astound
All I'm looking for is a haven
A sanctuary for healing the wounds,
Maybe I'm chasing the wrong thing
Maybe all I need is somebody
Somebody to share the pain,
Someone to hold hands with
Under the beautiful rain
They always say that when you have love,
You don't need anything else
Maybe that is my answer,
Maybe I've been asking all the wrong questions.

Getting over myself, I come to my senses
Life can't be lived in future tenses,
It is what is, right here and now
Not thinking about how you go out
But what you make of it while you still can,
The journey of this ever running man
Running away for myself,
From myself
Maybe I've got everything I need
If I live in this space between
The beauty and pain.

In need of a light
That goes on till by seemingly endless days
Thinking of the impossible, I know
What's the harm in thinking
Of a better place in my heart?
Rather than these graves that I've dug for myself
Where the cold wind blows
All I hear is the silence now,
Never heard it like that before
Trying to make sense of it all,
Still leaves me baffled somehow.

All I need is a little part,
A little part of the sun
To feel the burn,
To feel the warmth inside
A perpetual storm resides within,
Cold winter snow in my soul
The fluctuations of my reality
Finally taking its toll
The moment is edging closer
So I decided to drop this act like a poser
Its time to be real, be a man
I would need a new plan
To deal with these mistakes
From which I can't outrun
Although it is easier said than done
But all I need,
Is a little part of the sun.

I love you
not just three words
that float from my tongue
to your delicate ear
do not cast them aside
they are not mundane
nor spoken in vain
they reflect your perfection
your beauty, my world
bask in them
feel their radiance
like warm fire

On my bed of rocks I lay
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I've made myself comfortable
In where I lay
Under covers that warm my body
I live
I breathe
I feel safe
I don't

Awake at night
Under the cover of night
In the warmth of my blankets
And whether I wish to see the moon
"What for?"
It's difficult to leave the warmth
Of the blankets that night after night
Provide me with what my body needs
With what my soul needs
And what it doesn't need

Surrounded by the silent static of my room
Encased in residual superpositioning noise
Wasting away in the lull of audio that is
Always there,
Draining away,
******* at your will to reach forward
Slowing you down...
The silence that I need at night
The comfort of it as it guides me to sleep
Intoxicating

I close my eyes to sleep
In the
Safety of my home
In
My bed
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I think to smile
But it doesn't feel pleasurable
Just painful

Holding hands with the Friendly Reaper.
I feel it, the grip, the warmth, the care.
It cares, he cares, she cares.
Sickening shiny scythe.
That cares cuts.
So I keep on pretending,
That the warmth is warm.
That the metal is gentle.
That the grip is comforting.
Hiding my face from myself.
Averting my eyes from that panicked stare.
That terror, that glances at the joined hands and back at me.
I embrace the reaper and his scythe.
Cut and reshape me. Just don't let me go.
Make the face in the mirror go away.
I'd help him if I could but I can't so just get rid of him.
Hold me close I need you to cut me and care for me.

The taste that beg to never leave
This warm moment is hard to believe
Hiding from their eyes, we stay still
In a room meant for release, let me feel
Our eyes meet and souls twist for the ****
Warm love waiting as skins begin to peel
Praying for the fire as we both kneel
Staying together is hard to believe
This love that beg to never leave

The drops of blood
Flows from the
Once cold heart,
That rusted in the
Rain of conflicted
Darkness.
Yet the trauma of
The dark void
Makes her hesitate
To take the next breath,
From cupid's bow.