Wrap your spring
in the winter.
Only to unleash it
on the rose later.

Every corner
every nook is full.
Bouquets of stars
flower over the Moon!

Lo, unleashing every
bit of the inky night
the sleeping beauty
to wake soon!

Go to the nth degree
when everything is full
look for somewhere new!
It's a full circle, full-blown
but a ceaseless moving world
to one more new angle!

i have convinced myself otherwise.

that all these feelings for you have vanished,
and it did at least for a little bit.

or maybe i just ignored it too well,
but when you grasped my hand.

your touch brought warmth,
and sparked all the forbidden emotions to unleash.

yet i still try to convince myself otherwise,
but these emotions are a good high.

even if you are never mine.

I have too much on my mind don't I?
Feel too much honesty too soon
Too soon for you?
Possibly
I apologise

I apologise my way through life, always
Its just how it always is
Has always been
But I won't apologise about my feelings for you
I can't
I won't

You make me feel this way
You must own that
I own it, I own my feelings now
I'm not afraid if people know
(about us)
But its not the right time
Just now
I know this

And that is what's so hard
Having to contain everything I feel
Just like a ball in the palm of my hands
I'm so afraid if I let go
I'll never get to hold it again
It will roll too far away
Out of reach

And Someone else will pick it up
Take it for their own
I'm not good with sharing
I don't want to share
Not you anyway

I'm a tiger,
Stripped from my dignity
In this god forsaken cage.
Trapped behind walls,
Prowling about
Waiting to be freed.

I long for the wind in my face
The sun to lighten my days
The rain to wash my sorrows away
The moon to reflect at night,
Lighting my way.

I'm a tiger
Waiting to be let loose
So that I can unleash myself,
And set fire to anything in my way.

I was given a set of wings
huge, strong and powerful
but I've never used it
to fly and soar
and feel the breeze
above the sun kissed sea
with cotton candy clouds
all around me
never even tried
never even dared

Sometimes I wonder
wether these were given to me
as a gift to cherish
     a blessing to own
or a curse to carry
     a burden for all my life to bear

And I wonder what it
would feel like
to be free
to fly like the others do
if only I weren't
too afraid to try
too afraid to dare

I sometimes try to take
a leap of faith
but as soon as I reach the edge
I feel the mighty wind
I beheld the depth
I see the drop
I hear death
I get nauseous
I pull back
I tuck my wings in
and shut it nice and tight

Maybe what I need is something
that would push me
but it would be nicer
if  it would pull me
taking me with it
in the fall and teach me
how to fly

And so, she said

"There will be pain tonight,
an unbelievable amount of pain
that not even the stars know as they supernova,
that not even the earth knows
as it's land is torn in two by quakes,
that not even the sky knows
as it is ripped apart by lightening.
It is a pain that is unleashed from the very depths of the soul
and leaves the thinnest traces of its mark
on the exterior of the human body.

"It is a constant torrential downpour,
a constant tsunami of grief;
it is a pain that will be known
by the most fearsome of men.
It is a wrath that lashes its victims,
leaving nothing in its remains."

I've written a thousand words that have trailed behind me for decades.
If I attempted to turn around and pick them all up as if I'm collecting shells from a beachside, it would be wheelbarrows full.

Write.
Just write Natasha.
Quit attempting to perfect this gift and just let it unravel.
Don't criticize, judge or feel
Guilt over your need to shut away and bleed the thoughts that you're unable to speak onto paper.

Release the fear that captivates you. It's that uneasiness in knowing the pain that spills once I form these words into being readable and they sink into my heart and become truth.
Truth equals pain for me.

It's the fear that this truth might just **** me.
Is it possible to die of a broken heart, I often ask myself.

Battling this fear to write this novel is the one thing holding me back from healing.

Allowing my entire being to sink into it, and rage against the words as if I'm the flat of the ocean being ravished by the never ending waves.

Tossed and turned by the emotions that come with the process that forces you to heal.

It's the still, that resides between each word written, that quiet space that leaves me restless.

Calm the infuriation, unclench your teeth and let the words be written into reality.

My need to burst into a blood pumping release that lightens my heart from this heaviness is enough to shake the floor of the ocean.