i've been joyful for the past 4 months... i haven't even had one sad moment....
but all of a sudden i look back at how my family is torn apart, how i changed so much..
how much weight i gained.. how faded my scars are, and i kinda miss the way i fell....

I would never imagine that i could miss something that bad this much..

I wanna raise my voice
Hear my words carried off on stale air
As I gaze all around
I feel the judging stares

SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why can't I just be me?
SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why is this so hard?

I wanna run, I wanna hide
Can't release what I feel inside
It tears me apart, so slowly
I wanna go, can't stay anymore
Curl into a ball and....

Death marches the streets,
A parade of defeat
Showing off these victims

They all look like me...
******

You drown me in my hatred
Sanity, taken from me, confiscated
Removed without consent
And it gets better yet

GET THE **** OUT OF MY MIND
I don't need you, I'd rather be alone
Leave me to my sorrow, my misery
END! ME!

I scream in complete silence
Subdued by my mind, red with violence
Fingers twitch and bones rattle
Fighting me, is my hardest battle

*And I've not won yet

Is passion a virtue?
A passion that ingests my inside
The bareness exposed emotions
The slow graphic censorship
A depiction of Zion on earth
A deception ranting with wars

Is dedication a virtue?
A definition of a hard felt path
Preserved with heartfelt zeal
An ember that ceases and glows
Triggered touch of perseverance
Till death does you part in parts

Self restraint for one another
Dedicated to fulfil a purpose
Quests of alternative borders
Armoured in armed negations
Negotiations negative dominion
Should we control sensuality?

This rising tide of violence
In the silence of fury
The world getting blurry
Fading voices
Baiting choices
Heartbeats in a hurry
Lost decisions in remission
Still staying the course
I force the temper down
Drowned in smoke
To choke the anger out
This time my mind is
SO LOUD
I find the rhyme helps it to
Fade Out.

Suicide.

Word *****.

Hypocrite.

Words pour from my mouth
When I learn of the thoughts
Running through his head

I love you
You're worth living
Don't think of suicide

One song
One song 'describing his life'
Triggered my word *****

His turn

Word *****
Pouring form his mouth

I love you
You're beautiful
A lot of fun

One song
Set him off
One song
Turning me into a hypocrite

Realization
Not caring about yourself
Does not mean
You don't care about
The people you love

s.j.d

empty black purse
old love notes
all wrinkled
now molding
damp and limp

boat trips and fancy dinners
airplanes and hangers
ocean views and hotels
princess treatment

promises made
one plastic ring
fit
if taped

texted pictures
a portrait
a yacht
videos shared

two months
later invisible
me and my quite room
and an empty refrigerator

let go

empty black purse
wild goose chase
just a distraction
a fantasy

let go

The jingle-jangle of pills,
in a bottle, now in the trash.
The honey-sweet scent
of liquor in a glass.

The eye-searing shine
of an untouched blade.
The Cheshire cat grin
of a boy who doesn't know my name.

Life,
Should come with a CAUTION sign.