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always anxious Nov 2016
Stop saying my body is "goals"
stop saying i have mesmerising eyes
stop saying my smile is charming
Or that i'm a sweetheart
Stop calling me beautiful

Beautiful girls don't sit at home alone on saturday nights
Beautiful girls don't cry themselves to sleep
And they don't hate what they see in the mirror

beautiful girls get good grades
beautiful girls get a lot of attention from guys
Beautiful girls are friends with everyone
they're not shy
they don't get anxiety attacks over having to make a phone call

Beautiful girls don't obsess over not having washed their hands for an hour
And they don't count calories
beautiful girls don't smile at the ground when they get a compliment
They face the person who complimented them and compliments them back...

Beautiful girls know how to write a proper poem.
a beautiful girl is that girl in the front of the class, who gets straight A's  and doesn't even have to try
She has long blonde hair and blue eyes.
she has straight teeth and a killer smile and all the guys are always around her.
*and She's never alone on saturday nights
Sooooo... yea
always anxious Nov 2016
"daddy, i'm so tired all the time.."
of course you are.. you barely eat...
"don't i?"
no you don't... you only just eat enough to survive
you eat less than your 5 year old sister.


- I don't know why... and i haven't thought about it.
I like my body trust me
But i don't want food
I am hungry, but i don't eat till the hunger has passed i only eat because i have to... if i didn't have to i wouldn't eat.
Eating bores me
Eating makes me feel nonproductive

I haven't thought about the fact that i eat less than my 5 year old sister... and i can't understand why daddy hasn't said anything before now..
And now i can't wait to get on the weight because  i wanna see if he's actually right, that i'm losing weight..
Trust me i'm not trying to... idk why i'm doing this...
just a rant.... what is happening to me? why am i not eating? i'm hungry right now but i don't want any food... nothing sound delicious right now...
always anxious Nov 2016
Fake smiles, but teary eyes.
Alone in my room crying at night.

i'm just gonna hide the scars with a sweater
can't tell them i don't actually feel better.

i'm so sad but i can't tell you why
"i'm just tired" is my favourite lie.

It's almost christmas and everyone's happy
But in winter time i just feel so ******

I don't know why i feel so bad
truth is i'm just another depressed sociopath
This is the 2. time i've been feeling great all summer and started getting depressed when winter came.... hope it's better next year
always anxious Sep 2016
i've been joyful for the past 4 months... i haven't even had one sad moment....
but all of a sudden i look back at how my family is torn apart, how i changed so much..
how much weight i gained.. how faded my scars are, and i kinda miss the way i fell....

I would never imagine that i could miss something that bad this much..
always anxious Apr 2016
i was sad, so one day i just stopped eating
Rochelle R Sep 2015
A future projected
I see you have arrived
I know you're here to take from me
Take and take
I understand why
I danced with you, demon
I asked you to play
Now this is the debt I have to pay
I became possessed
Sacrificed individuality
Signed in blood
My life away
Now Demon
Wrap my bones in witches hope
**** my stomach dry
Take my vision
Take my mind
Take it all, it isn't mine
Lie to me
Break promise me
Perfect for eternity
I'll drink it up
Purge my soul
Grow dimmer
With every goal
Shrinking, shriveling, fading fast
Denying logic
Believe my eye
I am a shadow
A mortal ghost
A projection of what I ought to be
There's less of me and more of you
Filling the space where hunger grew
I faulter
Hating you
Loving you
Hating to love you
Fighting you
I always lose
And if I escape
You'll ****** me
I find the thought
Strangely comforting
There's not much left
Perhaps just a shimmer
Of what was old me
Bone dust, and sinners lust
I am not much worth fighting for
So when the reaper greets me
(Demon! Say adieu!)
I'll gladly take his hand
And let him lead me away from you
always anxious Aug 2015
I admit it..
I'm an attention *****.

I starve myself, even though i know how skinny i am, even though i know 100 lbs is not a lot.

I starve myself so people will notice me.
Talk about me.
Feel bad for calling me all that rude stuff.

For the
"I want her body"
For the
"Did you lose weight"
For the
People who will start caring.

So people will talk behind my back about how i never eat.

But also to have legs to die for, and a waist to love.
To be perfect.
Idk if everyone feels like this..
I recently relapsed into my eating disorder again, and this is some of my thoughts.
Don't think i only do it for attention, i have other reasons too.
always anxious May 2015
You ask me, what anorexia is like.

It's like slipping or twisting your ancle without anyone seeing, no one to help you up.
You sit until someone comes by, they help you up, but after a while you slip again.
This time your sitting in mud and slowly sinking into it.
And when you're two feet into that hole, a person comes by and tries to help you since your anvle is hurt.
But you're afraid they'll fall too so you ask them to leave.
You start to crawl out and finally get up, but slip again.
You fall down in that hole again, and this time you beoke your entire leg.
It starts raining and the hole grows deeper.
It's 5 feet deep now.
One of your well known friends comes by and tries to help you, but ends up throwing you a shovel.
But actually you start to like your hole, you take contact to people, who also fell into a hole.
There are sites on the internet, some shows how to get the deepesr mist perfect hole.
Other shows how to get up.
But you're sad, and you like your hole, so you try to get that deepesr one.
You want to win this, you wanna show everyone who called you weak that you can get the deepest hole in the world.
But when you're 20 feet under ground, and everyone starts to notice your hole.
Everyone is willing to help you.
And suddenly you have 20 shovels, and 20 stairs.
But you can't decide wich one is better.
*That's what being anorexic is like
always anxious Mar 2015
you know one of those days
where everything you do seems to be wrong.
where people bug you.
even more than usual.
one of those days
where your favorite candy, is right next to you
but you don't even feel like taking one bite
where you want to do everything
but don't even have the courage to write a good poem?
and you just end up writing something like this.. i hate those days.
always anxious Mar 2015
I'm sorry
That whatever i do, i can't seem to get it right
And i'm sorry
That i got this depressed all of a sudden
And i am truly deeply sorry if i hurt you
And don't say i didn't cause i saw the tear in your eye
And don't say you miss me either.
Cause if you really do, wich is highly unlikely, it will pass.
And don't go to my grave, telling me you love me.
Cause that's what i needed to hear when i was alive.
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