I don't want to talk about it really

I was just sitting on the grey couch
While he sat across from me with a pen and paper
And we were laughing
Laughing about how
I never really had to watch someone slowly die
Because everyone I've cared about that's passed
Was shot point blank
Close range
And my therapist giggled
As the morbid humor rushed out of me
And it kind of just echoed through the small dimly lit room

Until I started to scream
Crying hysterically
He just looked at me slowly
Realizing the moment had quickly passed
And turned into a very visceral flashback

He's trying to talk me down but all I could see
Was the footage looping over and over again
In my head
Why was he holding a knife yelling 'dont shoot'
Why the **** was he holding a knife?


So no,
I don't really want to talk about it.
I just want to lie here and focus on the pressure you're applying to my chest
While you hold me
Wrap your arms around me
So I can finally fall asleep.

When sun sets down
And the darkness of night
Swallows the earth
We do the same thing
Again and again
Totally unaware, unhinged
Resting and pretending.
We dance to the beats
Without  music and words
In a steady pattern
Nothing to fear?
Lost in Paradise
But not aware of it.
.
So,
Choose the day
And then choose your way
Don't be shy or pretentious
One day, you shall be glorious
If you choose to fight
Then do it every night
And remember, life is pain
So, don't let it go in vain
Be free
Be free
"As long as you can be"

Anxiety rolls away in my tummy,
My heart flutters,
My head screams,
It's nonsense,
Nothing and everything all at once.
There's no reason for it,
No understanding,
But there it is,
Needling me,
Torturing me,
And there isn't anything I can do,
But to ride it out,
Smile it away,
"Fake it until you make it."
But will I?
Can I?
There is no other option,
So I just do it,
And hope it fades quickly,
God help me.
These moments,
They just ****.
But at least I'm alive,
That thought always helps me through it.

Love me weak
Love me strong
Love me blind
Love me hurt
Love me ugly
Love me *****
Love me clean
Love me good
Love me bad
whatever you do don't stop loving me
Let this love be unconditional
Untouchable, untamable, uncontrollable and most importantly understandable

With rusty nail
I scratch in your hand
Love words.
Tonight our love
Birth through your scars.

You say you love her but then you talk behind her back?
I wonder why you still talk to her if you promised to stay away.
You were supposed to do this for me, but I guess you wouldn't understand.
But I thought you would since you have been through this trouble before.
I guess all you do is repeat what you have been taught.
I know you cheat to this game we play.
It is me against you but I never have a say.
You laugh, talk gossip and drink all night long.
"You promised me" I said, but it comes out so wrong.
I know we make mistakes but you continue to repeat them.
You say I am a brat but all you do is talk **** behind our backs.
I wish I knew what to say to you,
But it is hard for me cause I haven't got a clue.