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Empire Dec 2019
I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor
Empire Dec 2019
trigger warning: suicide


I’m losing my mind
And I can ******* feel it
Darkness
Emptiness
Craziness
Insanity
It’s setting in
It’s settling in
Fast.
I won’t be able to fight it
Not this time
I’m getting closer
I’m losing my grip
It’s getting real
And I might just do it
I might just take my life
I’m done with it
But I can’t
I can’t do it
I just... I just want to
I want to give up
I want to surrender
Empire Dec 2019
trigger warning: suicide


you asked
you finally asked me
you asked if i was suicidal
and i heard it in your voice
you begged me to say no
so i did

but i lied
maria Dec 2019
Feeling like I'm going to explode
Can't hold emotions anymore
Your interest
makes me sick
I'm drowing in a cup of tea
So much pressure
I can't breath
How did I end up like this?
I don't want to feel
Take your attention away from me
remind me to not cry when I'm alone again, that -at least somehow- I can take it

written on December 07, 2019
francine Dec 2019
her
everything you say is like poetry.
i'm sure by now you're my sanctuary

your smile makes me feel so sugary.
but tell me why you always leave me feeling so

sickly.
Kelsey Dec 2019
Dip me in health
I want to pause time
Where no one can hurt me
And i dont have to die

A picture of youth
A dappling of stars
A wind of the past
As i wait from afar

I am weak, i am frivolous
Heal my shameful body
So i can rise from the ashes
Where the sickness cannot stop me
Sabrina Dec 2019
whatever this helpless feeling is
whatever the feeling is called
when you feel so sad
you're almost numb
where you just want to sleep
or disappear?
not die but just
forget
not have these feelings for this person anymore
it's a waste of time
energy
emotion
tears
it's delusional
yet i still would do anything
just to talk to him
why
what's wrong with me?
Meadow Nov 2019
A dance of pull and push back
A fist encircling a heart
Clutching, Squeezing
Power on one side
Pleading on the other
Out of control
My stomach feels sick
My mind blank
Grasping toward where you were
Spirling into past comforts
Delusional daydreams
Days become memories as they happen
Irrefutable anger
Violence on the body
A mind of blame and contortion
You lay out boxes I can’t fit into
Telling me to get in
I can’t breathe, but you tell me to melt like water and flow.
All I ever wanted was some pull from you
Acceptance and patience of my becoming
But all you know how to do is push back.
I'm feeling better, but some days I can't do anything but sit in longing.
Marri Nov 2019
If I call, will you decline it?
If I text, will you read it?
If I love you, will you ignore it?

U disappeared off the face of the earth, and I’m going to be sick.
All because I’ve banished u,
But still I feel so sick.

Delete and then block,
Delete and then block,
& delete and then block.
The same cycle for all my social media accounts…
Except for about 3.

I left those open incase you want to come back.
Add and then friend,
Add and then friend,
& add and then friend.

That was a mistake.

Yes, I saw the new new.
That girl smiling brightly.
That girl taunting me,
“Na Nana boo boo, you can’t have him!”

Well.
That’s when I started to feel sick.

Well,
That’s when I texted u.

Well,
That’s when I broke all self control and discipline.

And well,
Here we are.

I’m sick of calling,
Sick of texting,
Sick of feeling,
And I’m sick of you.
#Sick
Ken Pepiton Nov 2019
This year near now later as I slide into safe for

the feeling,
never once in real life as they call the experience of
mortal ripening misspellts
corrected asgoodas
magigic
tstsefly sleepy sick o hno this is that book

louis said it sounds like science fiction --- but
you init lou
look
it's that guy who married your mom and rescued your from the
cult,
fundamentally,
with no regard for the damage

I just knew. Okeh, we were caught in a net we did not know exists.

Evil in its e-sense, virtual balnce factor intended to keep good
in constant chessish cheshirish grin
cheque,
en garde, to point a fault in the plan… ellipses suffice for a minor
re
spect to authors admitting un belief of most

order quired fixt ac-counting tual vir-beginning ever
things, with no
withdrawal date, the riches pile up so hitchenslipped in the bull
Creflo Dollar, props, brohawny black ****** mofoe than fren
in the end,

y'did your proper whatever you knew in your self right right
it just feels wrong

jets, ball'n'f'Jeesus, risen above the fray,

in Beulah Land,
c'mon childrens, t'all join me walk wit jesus hear me say
ain't another way I know and you know,
I cain't lie

nonono chile my heart be fixt
fixt means, ain broke
no joke, blowin hard hard har on that deep left end
blue bleu sacre bleu

I best rest and find mind gone a wander why you hear?
Both, heare, here and hear, oft stretched to cover
to means of leaking wwwwu.

we may, as we the corpus hoct to pay some debt
somebody never owed,
an oath to believe a lie is true,

I absolve you. You are free to no longer bher
the burden of eventually accounting
for every, every, every ever
sworn idle word
lock for
ever int the con fused wicks match lock candles,

we did not know if this went to now,
when we have these
magic pens and broad bands of reading minds finding
threads
we
share, ideas at bare word level, down to actual
jots, breath commas, some call them

but readers of many [paradigms of mind] novels,
realize their roles
with shame,

venting noxious fumes for [that verted joy fools floods of
test-toss-or be owned}}}protein trigger me a fu
ture
sure thing ding
Those genes that code for proteins are composed of tri-nucleotide units
called codons, each coding for a single amino acid.
Each nucleotide sub-unit consists of a phosphate,
deoxyribose sugar and one of the 4
nitrogenous nucleotide bases.
The purine bases adenine (A) and guanine (G) are larger and consist
of two aromatic rings.
The pyrimidine bases cytosine (C) and thymine (T) are smaller and consist
of only one aromatic ring.
In the double-helix configuration,
two strands of DNA are joined to each other by hydrogen
bonds
in an arrangement known as
base pairing.

From <https://www.sciencedaily.com/terms/genetic_code.htm#:~:targetText=The%20genome%20of%20an%20organism,­for%20a%20single%20amino%20acid.>

Can we stand up right balanced, okeh. This ain't anybodies idea of hell,

except the one Mormon guy who told me Morman worst ell, tellestial kingdom,
was so much better than now that if god let you see it,
you would die to get there.

Time will tell.
Keep the pressure on, high speed chase scarios are not torture,
they only feel like

lift off, oh shitunexpected floatin ches above

the idea of enjoyment as an occupation.
Peacemaking, as an occupation, occupying until now we

gather, at the river and laugh
laugh laugh alladem rules and reg ulah stuff, gwa n on ol woids wise
womb man know gnosticious suspicious
auspicity
perspicacity capacity to tttalk sit no stutification evacuation of
I can't
remember. But grandpa, remember, Siri knows, ask her.

2019 wandering away from the ol'fo'khome ain't the
adventure it once was
past the edges of all the known in the world. My 8 yr old
grand daughter put a locater spell on my

converged network node
if I manifest in odd realms she has Siri steer me to bed.
The future is as good as I imagined,

but I'm not the guy about to die while wondering what he missed
that everyone else knew from the womb.
In the book this has no title, it follows some line I posted here last year. The intention is light hearted offence to friends who doubt i'm dying right, many years in the future.
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