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Meadow Nov 2019
A dance of pull and push back
A fist encircling a heart
Clutching, Squeezing
Power on one side
Pleading on the other
Out of control
My stomach feels sick
My mind blank
Grasping toward where you were
Spirling into past comforts
Delusional daydreams
Days become memories as they happen
Irrefutable anger
Violence on the body
A mind of blame and contortion
You lay out boxes I can’t fit into
Telling me to get in
I can’t breathe, but you tell me to melt like water and flow.
All I ever wanted was some pull from you
Acceptance and patience of my becoming
But all you know how to do is push back.
I'm feeling better, but some days I can't do anything but sit in longing.
Meadow Nov 2019
I've been toiling with the concept of temperance, and these are my thoughts today.
Practicing the allowance of loosening my grasp, and exploring the wonderment of fear.
Acceptance that everything is fluid and a mess of interpretation.
Rhetorical verbiage cannot console me.
Words are just an interpretation that is perceived individually.
A philosophical debate in every meaning.
Everyone is right, and everyone is wrong.
Explore narratives. Explore experiences that differentiate us. Explore.

I'm juggling complex emotions while grappling with my needs for stability and freedom.
The limitation of mimetic expression, and the fear of uncertainty and loss of control.
The earth tries to explain this to us at a young age as seasons change.
We have no control, and change is inevitable but beautiful if you see the positive.
I'm overcome with fear and excitement for this world that I've only just discovered.
Before it lay hidden behind distortion, expectation, and self-regulation.
To experience and love is the only goal.
We are no one, just beings of the same symbiotic consciousness experiencing ourselves through one another.
I don't have control over this.
I can try my best by the people I love, but by the end of the day, nothing will go my way.

Deconstruct nurture, and explore nature.
Limitations through perceived expectations.
We are performing instead of living.
Constantly under fear of judgment for not acting well to the roles we have been given.
We forget that we are siblings and reinforce this idea of fault when trauma and perception are the true separators between us.
We don’t see one another anymore.
We see status and expectation.

We need to step back and wipe away who we should be and discover who we are.
Temporary beings born to love, inspire and share.
Meadow Oct 2019
I had poor sleep last night.
I tossed and turned with the light on.
The light kept me safe from the quiet darkness, but not the words that scrambled to abuse me in my mind.

I've cried till my face is dry and flaking.
I cry cause of the stupidest things....
like do I wait to finish our shows? How long would I wait?
Do I watch them without you? Can I text you if something makes me smile today? Who am I going to have Thanksgiving with? Will you think of me then? Will I be a passing thought?

I didn't think more tears could even come out of me.

I have moments where I remember being unhappy with you.
Stuck and misunderstood.

I want to ride off those thoughts and use it as fuel to become whole.
But its not true... I still love you, and I feel so broken that you left like this.
I still can't eat. I can't focus on my work. I just feel so empty, and I  know thats the codepedence in me, but it hurts like you ripped a part of my soul deep from me.

Last time I lay in bed with you.
You said you would come back and we would marry, and start a family.
Then you left, and said I should get a roommate.
Who does that in the same day?

I'm so tired as I write this, just jumbled nonsense I need to leave my mind.
You left to clear your mind, but you cleared me out too.
and now i'm stuck in an apartment full of memories of you and our 7 years together. I'm stuck because you said it's a find, and that it would be a shame to let go. Before you said it's cause you're coming back. I feel let on, and so ******* confused.
I wish you'd come and take the rest.

I wish you'd come and take me to.
Raw morning thoughts after 4 hours of sleep.
Meadow Sep 2019
Uncertainly still lingers in the cracks of my future, but I am feeling so full.
So full of goodness and growth.
Optimisims and joy
I've grown so much from the me just a year ago.
I speak now.
I can speak.
Ive been gentle with myself, and allowing of rest.
I am feeling so full of acceptance and self- love.
Something I thought I didn't deserve.
Some days are so hard still, but I remember when I sat down in therapy the first time, and cried my eyes out begging to be healed and that I felt so broken.
The words cut at my throat as I released them.
I never thought I'd make the growth that I have so far.
I feel like a full being.
I feel healed and capable of healing.
To all of you in rough times of stagnation or the cold swift waters of change
It will be ok.
Allow yourself time.
Change comes like warm water.
Unnoticed until submerged.
Raw 10 minute brain dump.
Thank you
Meadow Sep 2019
Identity facilitates a lense for which makes us capable of opinions.

Identity is what I've lacked in my attempts to connect with the world.

Identity helps to emphasize with others. To build a community through shared values and beliefs.

I am an earthing I have no identity beyond this.
Who I am has been erased from a lifetime of isomorphism.

Does this erase you to?
To collide the world into one being.
One consiousness.
One struggle, sameness to our differences?
Does this erase you?

Culture washed away, clensing my skin.
Scrubbing away at me until I am white.
While cradling my head and whispering mimetic kindness.
Cleansing me of who I could be.
Cleansing me of my ancestors values.

I have been erased.
Just a physical embodiement of what Im allowed to be.

I am human.
Just some raw thoughts on colonization.
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