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Meadow Sep 24
Uncertainly still lingers in the cracks of my future, but I am feeling so full.
So full of goodness and growth.
Optimisims and joy
I've grown so much from the me just a year ago.
I speak now.
I can speak.
Ive been gentle with myself, and allowing of rest.
I am feeling so full of acceptance and self- love.
Something I thought I didn't deserve.
Some days are so hard still, but I remember when I sat down in therapy the first time, and cried my eyes out begging to be healed and that I felt so broken.
Irreparable.
The words cut at my throat as I released them.
I never thought I'd make the growth that I have so far.
I feel like a full being.
I feel healed and capable of healing.
To all of you in rough times of stagnation or the cold swift waters of change
It will be ok.
Allow yourself time.
Change comes like warm water.
Unnoticed until submerged.
Raw 10 minute brain dump.
Thank you
Meadow Sep 20
Identity facilitates a lense for which makes us capable of opinions.

Identity is what I've lacked in my attempts to connect with the world.

Identity helps to emphasize with others. To build a community through shared values and beliefs.

I am an earthing I have no identity beyond this.
Who I am has been erased from a lifetime of isomorphism.

Does this erase you to?
To collide the world into one being.
One consiousness.
One struggle, sameness to our differences?
Does this erase you?

Culture washed away, clensing my skin.
Scrubbing away at me until I am white.
"Clean".
While cradling my head and whispering mimetic kindness.
Cleansing me of who I could be.
Cleansing me of my ancestors values.

I have been erased.
Just a physical embodiement of what Im allowed to be.

I am human.
Just some raw thoughts on colonization.
Meadow Sep 4
Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Cradling beliefs with no foundation in reality.
Alone in a mind of oil
Staining all who brave my touch

Familiar faces soaked in anxiety
They stare with memories I long to forget

These glossy eyes that fear closing... moving.... shifting.... seeing...
Worlds will fall
Perceptions will alter

These words are caught in my throat
Festering

How do I say hello?
How do I keep the conversation going? Are they staring at me because they know I'm not normal. Can they see my disfigured soul hiding beneath this skin?
This deformed skin....
Do they notice that I am an imposter?
Do they see how I react alien to how they do? How I second guess each expression.

Words fall from my eyes without allowance.
The connection isn't there.

I Stare down
I drown them with every glance.
Words falling.
Flooding.
Making oceans of unspoken phrases.
Needs.
They breathe me in.
All the words I've never spoken.

They drown in my illusions.
And run away like mad men.
To a world I cant seem to be a part of.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Oil drowns me, and dilutes my words.
Taking away who I am.
My words are my life.
But I cannot speak them.

No one will ever know.
And I will never tell them.
I am Drowning in illness.
________
An older poem I never posted.
After 2 years of therapy, I finally feel like I'm past this. I'm in a place I NEVER thought i could be at  and I am learning to love my life, myself, and others better.
Meadow Aug 27
She speaks.
Content misshapen. Ill-crafted.
She's a little off, but she continues to share.

It begins with shifting eyes,
making sure it's ok to share this feeling of superiority
with this, small snickers escape curled lips
Social Exclusion a form of weeding out those that are of "lesser" value.

I don't want to participate.
I don't want to wear this mask.
It hurts my face, and pulls at my hair.

Wide eyes expressing judgement.
I don't look into them.
I look down.
In a room of "normal people"
they judge her.

I don't want to participate.
I want to listen. To decode her language. Learn the way she speaks.
I want to defend.
I want to rip these masks off these people who will tell you you're perfect then slander you when absent.
I don't want to participate.
I don't understand how THIS is ok in this sensitive world where nothing else is.
First day back at school.
I don't like the way we act with another. High and mighty we think we are, but when we see someone that doesn't belong we're so quick to make fun. Desperately seeking social approval, and inclusion at the expense of others.

Raw thoughts after a long day.
Meadow Aug 21
Summer is coming soon to an end.
A bittersweet summer.
One that has aged me to wise. Solemnly, I stand welcoming and allowing.
Loosened grips, blood returns to white knuckles.
Numbed fear, but wild excitement.
Random 1 minute poem: raw
Meadow Apr 3
He is the sun if it ever took human form.
Radiant and warm

You treated his love as if it were a heat storm.
As if his love were burning you from the inside.
You mistook his intensity, and you let it suffocate you.

You tried to put out the fire.
As smoke seeped from your painted smile, you subdued him.

You tried to put out the sun.

But I...
I found him
His flame dimmed.
Under the artificial assumption, his light was too much.

He came to me trying to cover that intensity.

But I thought...
Why fit the sun in a lantern?
When it could light the world.

My love like fertile earth.
Smothered with rich soil.
Saplings reached for that warmth of him.
I wanted all of him.
A lantern wouldn't do.

We planted our seeds in moments.
And well nourished they grew.

Many moons came to pass, but now I have before me a garden of overgrowth.
Watered by our tears. Nourished by passion. Warmed by our love, and given life through our memories.

He is larger than life.
He is bold and bright and the light in my sky.
& I will tend to this garden and bathe in his sun.
He is my home, my light, and my reason.

You tried to put out the fire,
but now he is the sun.
Some raw thoughts that had been sitting in my memo's for a few months.
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