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It’s as if I’m stuck inside a shell I can’t see out of.
I’ve never been able to even try to tear my way out because that is too much.
I dream of all these things inside,
But on the outside I can’t get there.
I know it’ll always be hard work and I’ll just have to try,
But I can’t force myself to be confident and have nothing at all to say.
I can imagine as many situations as I like,
Plan out some different possible future jobs.
Only I’ll never be able to get there,
Because I **** at social skills.
Right now I’m trying to figure out what to do,
Right now I can’t find any solution.
I’ll get there because I have to,
However I really don’t know how to escape from this zone of comfort.
It’s something that I don’t seem capable to fight.
I am not in anyway comparing this to social problems because it's not that bad but this is how I've been feeling. I'm thinking of being something like a social worker or a nurse when i'm older and basically everything and day to day life requires to be social and i really don't seem that good at it. I guess I'm okay but nowhere near as good as some people I know and for what i want to do i need to be social. also when meeting new people like friends of friends i basically close myself off from everyone and it makes my friends ask if i'm okay which i am, i guess i don't like people but i like people enough to want to have a job involving helping people? I don't know.
moss Jun 2015
Usually I hide away
Deep within my shell
I'm safe

Usually I just obey
Ignorance, I sell
I'm sound

Usually I do not say
And I dare not tell
I'm silent

Somehow, unlike anyone else
*You make me comfortable
When I'm vulnerable
Rockie May 2015
I'm just another angry kid to you,
I'm just another kid whose problems
Are just meaningless
In the reality of things.

I'm just another angry kid to you,
I'm just another kid whose problems
Are wrapped around me,
In the tightest shell I could create.

I'm just another angry kid to you.
My problems are *worthless.
Secrets once known
Secrets still unknown
Secrets forgotten

Inside is the youth
Inside is a struggle

Feelings of innocence
Thoughts of guilt

Old warmth dissipates
beneath a newfound shell.
Obsidian frost.

Mystery without clues
Mystery with no answer
Mystery with myself

Questions and doubt
only strengthen what contains
my dwindling flare.

Home once my solace
Home my haven
away from tranquility.

The growing cold stings
my heart
suffocating
my sense.

Extinguish the flame,
for one is contagious
and many are
dangerous.

Welcome the dead desire
Welcome the surrender
Welcome a reminder

Sensation awakens
when the ice melts
before rekindled flames.
a May 2015
a shell, contoured and carved with an aged elegance so accentuated that it practically screams its 'i'm so much better than you' chant, or
rather than scream, it whispers it softly for only my misshaped ears to hear, so that the dignified mutter echoes like a beautiful musical instrument played wrong in the crevices of my head
and
i stupidly stand, my feet sinking in the so-tainted sand, trying to come up with a retort, witty and cold enough to knock jeremy clarkson off his feet and back into top gear following a mild repercussion aimed at a light-hearted  producer - instead of acknowledging the fact that it is a ******* shell on a ******* beach
but
miss common-sense-defying with the too-happy polka-dotty headscarf and the five-minute-hipster-outfit that took an hour and thirteen minutes to form is intimidated by the shell that reminds her incomprehensibly of herself.
she's been reading too much john green.
or she's realising the truth, that she is an empty shell on a beach so trodden on that hansel and gretal would lose their footprints, that she is beauty and magnificence and elegance but she is empty, made of things she takes away from her television endeavors and her bookshelf, and she is empty.
when you
       so dear to me
      do hurt me
a pinpoint *****
is a razor’s slashing edge
       make gashing wounds
       and bleeding drains me
       bound scars to testify
       to the hurt
       the doer do magnify
i flee my brittle tiny shell
and don the mask of mirth
but fleeing never find
a chambered nautilus
which i would exchange for mine
       a twig is bent
       a leaf is fallen
       a grain of sand is lost
       a page is torn
       teardrop falls
       a lost one calls
when trust has grown
when choice is blind
when reason cannot reason
       a little twist
       a careless wink
       an unintended turnabout
              eats up a painful way
              to the heart that loves.
i
a wee shaft of beam
across
a sea of chilly darkness:
dashing on, dashing long
a chain
of disturbing crispy waves.
a haunting pitch
of sirens, of winging gulls.
…then
a whistle in the dark

                    ii
i have bled.
and ever bleeding
is resurgence.
the stones are stained now
not all are stained yet.
but i can hold no more.
no more.

                    iii
to listen would have been enough
but spoke i
to deaf-mutes, clayey forms.
and every uttered little word
faded like receding undertone.
and then
conspiracy of silence,
misquotations,
sharing of once
too friendly shoulders.
a nod would have been enough,
or a pat,
or any like gesture;
they turned askance
and i fled… fled away.

                    iv
back to my chambered shell
back to my cradle
where there are many whispers.
and every fateful swing
of the pendulum
i reel and ride the wheel of fancy,
embrace false idols
like one fearful of his god
if only to escape the haunts
of conscience;
tremble at approaching footsteps,
shriek at every shadow.

                    v
i shall walk barefoot again
past leafless stumps
windborn, heated, and bowed,
‘cross an oasis grown desert dry,
past anthills now dunghills,
‘neath rapid flutter
of widespread murky wings,
past cliff edges
where resound pampered echoes,
while arched in deceitful hues
a rainbow.
…i scan the blue… i pause…

                   vi
i await a lily-white stork
or there shall be no curtain speech.
I am here
Though i am gone
Just a shell
Empty and souless
I listen to you
Without hearing
I look past
Not really seeing
Fearing feelings
I never dared to feel
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