In. Out.

Choke back tears.

Choke.



“How was your day?”

“Good. How was yours?”

“Good.”



“Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

(don’t know how)

(so much happens in a day)

(not important)

(i’ll get over it)

“I dunno.”



I know grades don’t really matter.

Nineties are like drugs,

once you start you can’t stop,

withdrawal hits you like a truck.



“What did you get?”

“Ninety seven.”

“Oh, that’s not that bad.”

“But what if it takes down my average?”

(I shouldn’t eavesdrop.)

(need to finish this problem)

(four months late)

(one ******* question)

(what the hell is wrong with me)

(ask for help?)

(too late)

(oh god)

(please don’t let the bell ring)




In two three four

Hold two three four five six seven

Out two three four five six seven eight



(don’t cry)

(too late)

(please stop looking)

(what’s wrong with me)

(i want to disappear)

(i’m sorry)

(friends?)

(...friends?)


“Did you write any more?”

“...no.”

“Oh. I guess it’s a busy time of year.”

“...yeah.”

“Well….have a nice evening.”

“Yeah, you too…”

(trash)

(trash)

(what was i thinking)

(so cocky)

(don’t want to open that doc ever again)

(too sensitive)

(never go anywhere)

(not cut out for this)



“How did your exam go?”

“...better than I was expecting.”

“Good!”

“Yeah. Thanks mum. Love you.”




(no music?)

(can’t believe)

(can’t vote)

(strike?)

(strike!)

(strike?)

(possible?)

(can i?)

(would it work?)

(no.)

(can’t)

(too weak.)

(try?)

(Try?)

(TRY?)

(as if life couldn’t be more complicated-)




“We have to get Ethel out more. We can’t stop walking her because Gunther can’t-”

(Gunther)

(Gunther)

(good boy.)

(stay.)

(stay by me.)

(just for a bit longer.)

(please)

(not him, please god, not him)

(god?)

(let me keep my boy)

(Stay.)

(Stay.)

(Stay.)



“We still on?”

(I dunno, are we?)

“Maybe after exams.”

“Sometimes people drift and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

(shut up, Shut Up, SHUT UP)

“I can cover you for the movie.”

“Thanks! I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

“I’m just happy that means you can come.”

(alone)

(hello?)

(do you still care?)

(i do.)

(i miss you.)

(do you miss me?)



(don’t break)

(don’t want to go back)

(brave face)

“Crying is okay.”

(?)

“It doesn’t seem like you’re handling it-”

(???)

“Do you need to go and see-”


(?!?!?!?!?!)




In. Out.

Choke back tears.

Choke.

"hell yeah" changes into...






"heaven yeah"

Beyond the doors of my room,  beyond the thoughts of these walls.
A light starts to grow, it did all along.
It was hard to see it, it was hard to hear.
Beyond the doors, life is right here.
Growing like children, not just happy and glee.
Pain and suffering brought forth by me.
It hurts to live but for all I do, I will continue to suffer.
Suffer for you.
I will keep living, working on life, keeping people happy all throughout life.
I won't give up nor should you, but all that happens, is all not just for you.

Fresh washed P.E. clothes
The scent of fruity erasers
Blue eyeliner learning it’s place
A clear cool purse
Jelly shoes

My pink overalls are so cool
My teddy bear sweatshirt keeps me trendy and warm
My french braid hides my long hair
Because short hair rules

Oh the horror...
I forgot my homework!
Wearing grandmas ring
Silently made fun of by the popular
I miss elementary playground

Silent I sit speaking to no one
Maybe my one friend
Headaches daily
I don’t want to come here
Give me a note

P.E. clothes stink
Mom said no more blue eyeliner
Clear purse and erasers...stolen
And guess what?

You get to do this all over again

Only bigger

...suffered under his drug-addicted father, a musician, and his fame-addicted mother, an actress.

runaway child escaped, got into a group home.

runaway child was focused, learned eagerly at school and studied later on.

runaway child became a teacher.

as a teacher, he has been taken care of children in need of love and appreciation.

The world comes to me again with my sunlit room. A bird is nestled on the branch outside my window. My troubled-kitten sleep. The ceiling. The pictures in the cracks. My emptiness outside of school. Yes, divine is this space, for holy are the tears I’ve shed in it.

the trees remember me
that short walk down an urban street
to primary school
now enclosed by panicked fencing
and paranoia security systems

I watched the seasons change
growing a little
in some respect every journey

my silent witnesses look the same
monoliths marking time
with bark and moss layers
roots entrapped in black cracked tarmac
where they were meant to wander free

my conscious return is by car
they cancel the careless carbon footprint
of this time traveller

I feel connected
as though an old movie
flickers among the boughs
of my diminutive figure
ghosting along the pavement
for a moment I am with him
tears unexpectedly blurring my eyes

To Whom it May Concern,

My blood begins to burn
and I’m compelled to spurn
the current plans to turn
our mascot to a worm.

The members from my firm
cannot stay taciturn
when our alumni learn
that strangers overturned
the past we had governed
because they’re all stubborn,
seeking to be modern
and spread, exploit and churn
their folly and their germs.

I urge you to discern
the consequence you’ll earn
unless you can confirm
our legacy long-term.
We will not adjourn
until it’s reaffirmed
that history is stern
and keeps our old pattern.

If you do not concur
and submit to our terms,
then surely you will yearn
for courtesy interns
as funding will downturn
and we will watch you squirm
like spiders in an urn
at the point of no return.

Sincerely, Dr. Kern

Somehow, I get myself in these situations,
Where all of my efforts can end in stagnation,

But sometimes I manage to find inspiration,
In my concentration and intoxication,

I've had so much beer i should be in my bed,
But there's too much to think of,

It's all in my head.

There's ideas and there's music,  there's joy and there's death,
And there's realization that there's nothing left.

See tonight I got word that it's working for me,

My whole life is decided,  I know what I'll be.
I'll write and I'll speak,  I'll get high and I'll teach,

And I'll be grateful for every mind that I reach.

But I'll always remember the path I once took,
Before novels and poems and college and books,

I'll remember the streets in December,  '09,
When I hustled for China and needles and wine,
When I first learned this world had two sides to its face,

There's the side that you see, then there's one other place.

And it's dark and it's *****,  but sometimes,  it's kind.
It can give you that shelter you've been trying to find.

But now after living in both of these worlds,
It honestly hurts me to have to decide.

Because one path will lead to respect in their eyes,
And the other will grant me that sweet peace of mind...