I'll save the poems of deepest despair
for when you are dead or gone.
You are my only friend and someday
I might be your wife if you survive.
I'm committed to you for the long term.
Today I have logged out of all my
Social media accounts I won't return.
I don't want to see my nieces and
nephews grow up on Facebook
knowing I'll never see them in real life.
I don't want to deal with my Aunts
bouts of jealousy because she is being
mentally abused by her husband.
I don't want to feel a hacker looking
over my shoulder when I like a post.
I don't want to be reminded of all the
people who won't talk to me because
I don't have a job and think I'm the blame.
Facebook calls them friends.
Instagram calls them followers.
To me it's all the same they are fake.
I'm most likely fake to them too.
Honestly people it isn't an insult.
The hacker has won because I'm back
inside of my cave once again.
It's amazing how isolating social media is.
God won't answer my prayers for peace
but I don't believe he is mean at all.
Someday there won't be anymore
humans in my life that is a fact.
I doubt that I'll survive but then
again everyone has to die someday.
The feeling of wanting to die is
like crashing through a glass door.
Maybe I am more emotional
because I am going down to a
Lower dose of prednisone but
this doesn't make all that I wrote
any less true.

I lock myself into a room
I fall to the ground
I can't breathe
I cant see
   everything is
                  b
                      l
                   u
                   r
                      r
                   y
my tears cover my eyes
I don't know why
but these panic attacks won't stop coming
and I don't know why

am I overthinking too much again?
has my depression come back?
am I all alone again?
do I miss him too much?

Sometimes I feel...
Alone,
Very, very alone.
Everyone feels this way though, right?

Maybe I'm okay, maybe happiness is...
Effortless.

People get sad and feel so alone.
Life gets better,
Everyone says it does
Anyway.
So I'm probably fine.
Emptiness is underrated.

Lying, yellow lamp light illuminated the baron broadway.
Fear beginning to break through thought, fighting for freedom from intention.
“Be afraid”.
“Be very afraid”.
He stayed, splayed
on hard road looking peaceful in that white night.
Calling to the angels with snow.
“NO! Be afraid”.
“NO! Be very afraid I said”.
His mind was already made, he stayed splayed.
Weeping, wishing, waiting he welcomed what was to come.
“RUN!!”
“RUN!!”
“RUN!!”
But he was done, finished with the world.
Thought and fear swirled inside; whirlpools of midnight black carried him on tormented tides, torturing his mind.
Is this his time ?
Is this his time ?
Continue on ? and when they ask he’ll just say that he is fine.
Joke and laugh and long inside for things he’ll never find.
These were the thoughts that toiled in his mind, teetering on the edge, shears ready to cut thread.
Laying there....
Staying there as headlight begun to blind.
Feelings, thoughts and life its self bursting from there binds.
Faster, closer, louder. No one sees the signs and no one cares: pain so great it can’t be beared, hurt so deep it can’t be shared, pain that teared and teared and teared. Breaking will, it never stills, pain that built and built and built.
He just wants it to cease,
he just wants peace!.
He could smell it now, petrol in the air.
Hear the wind, see the light, his fear gave up the fight.
The engines roar, so loud that it silenced his mind.
The light got closer.
The light got closer, so many things not done, so many things unsaid.
And then....
he was starring at the moon as car and light and noise passed him over head.
He wasn’t.... Dead.
He wasn’t dead.

Lung tree
Drink me
Take in that consequential
Energy
And please
Touch the sun with buds and dance
Perpetually
Until the day is said and done

Concrete
Upon what day will you melt to butter?
In what age will you split
Asunder
And our squishy nubs will touch
The naked land
Of younger
To caress trampled memory

Great comet
Of the heated sky
Roll chariots to the marble
Castle far by
Draw the ceiling and cast alight
The endless view of the constant night
Great God of mine.

In the photobooth
We do a silly face
Clicking the parsecs back into focal
View
And drawing upon that inflationary
Balloon
To which we ride
A darling damselfly
Old and full of chitionous youth

Old dirt
Move softly your mother
And place her dead things upon the nether
To compress into flaking chert
And ****** from the depths
An exhibit of great feature
The future of us
Lost within
The earth

Great road
I see not where your terminus goes
I know not from what strange township
You built the mountains and tumbled abyss
But when we shall be missed
And the world will roll on with constant bliss
Forgetful of the citation of our greatest works
And the obliteration of everything
Timeless.

Step by step she's trodden on
Her jeans are stained
Her blouse is torn.
Two toes edge the crumbling cliff
She turns behind–
But alas! She slips.

And down she plummets
Down, down she falls
Her eyes are dazed
Her lips forlorn.

But as she reaches
Not one yard saved
Strong talons grasp–

To home she’s dragged.

I want you to live, why don't you?
Set in self-destructive ways,
Wish I had the power to help you heal,
You are so gone you don't want to be saved.