We are tired of years ago tired of to be tired.
I’m a clock in the shape of a woman, counting months in weeks
Weeks in days in hours in minutes in seconds
Recorded in the strands that make me
Water slipping through my hands, I’ll ask you to keep it safe
But you only have your own hands to use.

Wake into a dream state, baby.
I'll be your second best escape.
You come running to me, baby.
You keep my soft heart safe.
Wake into a dreamlike state,
knowing you have a lookout in E.V.A.
When I, too, dig too deeply
to take alone, you're out on the rope.
What did I do, then, to deserve
a glimpse of this happiness,
soft like my heart? My mama told me
it was nonexistent, and
I certainly bought it -- but then, you.
What provoked you? What did I do?
Can it be that my existence is the
cause of your attraction?
I need to break free.
What sense does that make?
Can I run from love til
I kiss the coffin in grave?

No need to knock
I don't mind
But I request you not to
carry the lantern inside

For I am afraid of the light
and this is the only place left to hide

My sleeves unfolded
Do you mind?
To conceal the cuts on my skin
and the stench of necrosis alkaline

Yes I am afraid of the light
and this is the only place left to hide

If you seek welcome
in my mind
your heart must bleed darkness
and restless should be your eyes

Are you afraid of the light?
Come, friend - this is our place to hide

I know how many stories is tall enough
I know how much Windex I have to drink
I know long I have to be alone in order to hang myself
I know where to cut
I know how many pills I have to swallow

So you ask how come I keep trying and keep failing
Listen you have no idea how ****** windex tastes
Listen I can't get to the roof of the buildings
Listen All the pills are in a safe
I do everything wrong
I can't even die correctly

But I don’t want to **** myself anyway  
My uncle shot himself
And I watched my grandmother lose a son
I watched my dad lose his best friend
I have seen what it does to people and
I have felt that feeling

I don’t want to **** myself
I just want to be in a coma

October 1968

Strange day away from a war,
in a bubble

with the liar who was my friend
who wore a shirt with
a combat aviation badge
a dead man had earned,
first stolen glory
I ever saw.

We are awol, but nobody knows,
then a doughy white guy with a camera,
asks the liar why we are
in Saigon,
at the zoo, in the middle of a war.

A Stars and Stripes reporter,
gathering
the opinion of warriors ( right, in Saigon) re
Jackie Kennedy marrying the Greek

He took our picture, asked our names,
we were awol,
but what the hell, how many losers
ever see their picture
in the Stars and Stripes?

Lesson

send a boy to fight a war,
never tell him who wins, if he lives.

As an old man,
like that tiger, in a cage,
not San Diego Zoo Eco-accurate Habitat,
a cage, concrete floor, old-time
cowboy movie jail barred
cage,

waiting,
like that tiger in the Saigon zoo, 1968.

I don't know
why I apologize
for everything
even
loving you


-em vidar

When you said,
"Your secret is safe",
Vulnerable
is how I felt.

Do you see clear the coast at hand.
And know the side to which you stand.
Are your feet safe in the sand.
Or do you flounder in the waters band.
Is your strength firm on the land.
Or will sea hold sway through its command.
Will you follow the seas demand.
Or pull for shore with oars all manned.
To steer the course that life has planned.