My love,
I pray you forgive me for this.
By the time that this letter is received,
I would have found peace in my
childbed.

Please, have mercy on my handmaid, Hui.
I insisted that she compose and deliver
my final words to you herself...

As one of the proud flowers of
your golden garden,
I braced myself but I was still
unprepared for the chill of regret,
and winters of loveless eternities.

I will forever love and appreciate
the warmth you provided me.
I know your love is a true promise,
never one made on illusory grounds.
But what is the point of love if it is
shown yet true thoughts remain unsaid?

Before you, I am a mere moth,
and I prayed I never have to face your regal ire...
And though my heart bleeds greatly for the losses
of our twin fruits, it weeps even more
so for the loss of my sisters.

Meihua was kissed by her blade.
Yuyan was caressed by wine of gold silkworms.
I will not deny that Yuyan was proud
but she too had the dragon's blood,
it was expected of her to be so fierce.
But I never doubted her affections for you.

Forgive me if I impose but
I pray you forgive the frost of her words,
and not take them to heart.
Such thorns are born from a place of great anguish,
and it pains me so much to see you racked with it...

Even more so now because the Gods saw it fit
to take back our son and daughter both.
As the nights grow longer for me, and the days
more painful, I simply ask that you do not
take out your pain on the Second Prince.

None of us are perfect, my love.
Yuyan had fire, perhaps even too much of it...
And for that, she reduced Meihua and herself
down to embers.

Sister Yan's thoughts of Sister Han
were hot and biting, and I cannot say what
truly happened between them,
to the point that it resulted in so much bloodshed...

But I beseech  you, please do not take out
the sins of the mother on your son.
Hong'er is such a sweet and smart boy.
I imagine he has came to beg you for his mother's
mercy. That cannot be faulted, he is still a child.

Though I failed in my duty of bearing your
regal dragonseeds, I love all your children
as if they were mine own...
And soon, I will be with our ill fated children,
Our sweet son, Bai and gentle daughter, Ding'an...

I beeseech you, please, please do not blame Hong'er.
Your son needs you more, now more than ever.
Please give him all the love and support he needs
from his father now that his mother is gone.
Such a sweet child should not live a life alone...

Please promise me that you will try, that he will not be
left alone. And, if I may be so bold, confess it
to my body while it is still warm.
I may not respond, but I assure you that I will hear it.
And I will be watching of you and yours as
I tend to our babes in the Heavens,
Provided my soul is accepted and clean enough
for their Gates...

I pray you forgive me,
I am naught but a feeble, weak woman
who has failed her family, her sisters,
her children and now her husband.
Forgive me for adding more onto your grief.
But know that I am watching, with the
lotus fan you gave me many Summers ago
on my breast...

I pray that you will come through this storm
unscathed, and that you will soon know peace,
my dear Dragon King...

                            Yours cordially,
                                             The Lotus
                                                                ­    Taihe ✾

When will this end
When will I stop being in pain
When will I be okay
When will I find my happiness

I stand here
With my heart bleeding
Tears of blood
Running down my face

I ask you
Do I even deserve love
Or am I destined to be hated
For all my life

I ask you this
Because deep within my heart
I feel like I don’t
Deserve anything but hate

Just rip me open
Take my bleeding heart
Into your callused hands
And squeeze it hard

Crush it so I don’t have to feel
This horrible pain
I’m begging you
Just end it

Because if I can’t have love
Then just give me death
I’d rather be dead
Than hated by you

You say you forgive me
But I don’t feel that’s true
I forgave you instantly
And my actions shown true

I may not be able
To control my alters
But my heart will always remain
Right by your side

I just wish you realized that
Before shutting me out
Like I should have realized
My alters ****** up

My alters are not me
Yet you jumble us up as one
I have no control
When I’m not the host

I’ve gotten so much better
At keeping them at bay
I just wish I learned to do it
Before it was too late

Cause now I stand here
All alone and bleeding
My heart split in two
Forever waiting for you

Take this glue
And seal my heart
Fix the cracks
Which are leaking black

Save my soul
From rotting away
This pain is becoming
Unbearably real

My love is too strong
To just vanish like you want
It’s like a fire burning
Threatening to turn into ash

Place your hand
Upon my heart
And feel the blaze
That still remains

Growing stronger
With each passing day
I beg my heart
To stop this display

But to my dismay
It doesn’t listen
It does what it wants
Even if it causes pain

I beg and I plead
For this agony to end
For my suffering to stop
But it will never come

I try to distract myself
Distract my heart and mind
Put them on something else
Anything at all

But you always seem
To come crawling in
Setting my heart ablaze
And my mind turns dark

My love for you
Won’t stop growing
No matter how hard I try
My mind can’t stop it

The heart wants what the heart wants
Or at least that’s how the saying goes
But right now it feels like all it wants
Is to destroy itself through endless suffering

With just a simple flutter of a thought
My day could turn from the happiest I’ve had
To the darkest in which I dread
Begging for the end of time

Oh how I miss our talks
I miss waking up to you
I miss you holding me as I fall asleep
Feeling safe from the night terrors that creep

I miss the way you smiled
When you looked my way
The way you joked around
To cheer me up on a rainy day

I miss the comfort you gave me
The laughs we shared
The embraces that kept me warm inside
Warning the darkness to step aside

But now I’m alone
There is no safety
I’m terrified to sleep
And even more so to wake

This feeling inside me
Grows stronger and stronger
I don’t know how much more I can take
Before this life is pushed to the end

When I get excited
I instinctively turn my head
Thinking you are still by my side
But then I see there’s no one there

I stare at the empty spot on my bed
The one that you use to fill
And tears start to fall
As I lose all self control

The tears that burn so much
Like acid drops on my skin
The tightness of my chest
The aching in my heart

I end up in a ball
Crying out to the Gods of old
Pleading for mercy
From this cruel fate

Pleading with all my heart
For just one more chance
To make it right
In exchange for my soul

last night i begged and pleaded with you for hours,

tried telling you that i deserved to bloom like a flower.

i’ve never asked you to save me,

but now i’m asking you nicely.

please, let me be happy,

and please, i beg of you, let it be for me.

amen.

With each passing day
The light inside me dies
Surrounding me in eternal darkness
And snuffing out any form of happiness

I beg and I plead for relief
But it never comes
It only gets worse
And I can’t take it anymore

I love him with every fiber of my being
Yet nothing I say or do matters
It’s like he doesn’t care anymore
And I’m tired of this pain

I try and I try
To hide all of it
From his gaze
But I can’t hide forever

He says he still cares for me a lot
But honestly with his actions
It speaks the opposite
I just wish he would speak the truth

Speak from your heart
Don’t hide anything
Let it all out
Just like I have done

Lay your very soul
Upon the table bare
So we can finally understand
One another’s feelings

I fear that I don’t have much left
My will is slowly fading
I’ve already reverted back to self harm
Soon it will start to get worse

My heart will start to decay
Turning off all care for life
I will constantly be fighting
My darkest of thoughts

Thoughts that I haven’t had
Since I was a teenager
Thoughts that I could suppress
Just by looking at him

Seeing his dorky grin
The smell of his skin
The gentleness of his touch
The love in his eyes

These things made me so happy
That I couldn’t think like that
I didn’t want to think like that
All I cared about was being with him

Now I have mixed feelings
Feelings of betrayal and fear
Of longing and anger
Of love and regret

I know he won’t talk
Cause every time we try
It just makes it works
Cause he won’t say anything

I ask if things will be okay
I ask if I will ever be with him again
But all he says is give it time
And I see no love in his eyes

I see no more longing
No more want
No more pleading
Just vacant eyes staring back

I start to ponder
If I was ever good enough
If I will ever make it through this
Will I ever be happy again

But with how things are going
I doubt I will ever be happy
My heart is in so much pain
I feel like I’m dying

And it’s only getting worse
With each passing day
So I beg of you
Just talk to me one last time

Let everything out
Don’t hold back
There is so much to say
That you try and hide

I talked to Him
about you,
about us…
of how we’re facing the battles that I saw in my dreams.
I asked Him
to gear you up
and prepare you for the ‘tougher ones'.
Things may get difficult,
confusion will arise to the people
who may also get offended
or saddened with my sudden decisions.
I may get to face their criticisms
and avoid their inquisitive stares.
And answer the questions
that none of us chose to talk about.
I pleaded
that He may grant us the gift
of healing
and acceptance.