I’m barely holding it together
Feelings change like the weather
This darkness consumes my mind
Like I‘m living my life blind

Desperately trying to breathe air
But I‘m lost in despair
Wished someone was there
But do they really care

All these years I‘ve been trying
To build a life when I felt like dying
Found a way to numb the pain
Where only scars will remain

With all the demons I dealt
Can they understand how I felt
I don‘t know if I can win
With monsters living in my skin

**** it up, play it cool
You believed it, such a fool
Told me to be strong
When you don‘t know what‘s wrong

overwhelmed and breathless
but
in the way that makes you
tired of existing

until the realization
that i have not been
drowning
deep in the ocean

my feet are planted
in the sky
and it's only my head
under water
and
if i just keep walking

i'll be in the clouds

i take back the missing
being an empty one

it is very full
overflowing

is it worse to cry
until your eye
bags sit above the cheekbone,
your sleeves are soaked
with salt,
and you feel an overwhelming sense of
everything all at once, left finally with
aggressive emptiness

or to sit alone in the dark
with a full head
tissues in hand
knot in the gut
broken chest bone
waiting for the tears to come,
but they don't?

why,

why does life come in waves?

it’s either the white sea foam,

salty, bubbles, calm

or

the tsunami,

flooding, crashing, drowning.

~

If there were a fairy land
To which I could run
With nothing to see or do
I'd bask under the sun.

Why does this monster named Life
Push us to hate it so?
I'd rather leave and walk away
Than pretend it makes me grow.

Things pile up
They weight on you
You finish something to only find there's another

Why should I follow my responsibilities
Aren't they supposed to be for me?
And shouldn't I be happy?

But I guess work
Is the only way to keep asking yourself questions
And truly think for oneself

But right now

I want to go to sleep and not wake up

why do i feel so sad?
nothing happened
least not really
but i am wrong
i am always wrong

that is what
they said

I believed them