I find myself paddling against the current.

Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.

It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."

I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"

I want to be better.
"Then BE better."

I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"

I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."

My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"

I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?

I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?

All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.

"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."

"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."

"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"

My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.

I am gone.

There are days,
when I feel emotionally overwhelmed
with negativity.
I start to notice the hesitancy
in people's voices,
I start reading and interpreting
between lines.
I start to notice all the
negative intricacies that can hurt me
and over analyze to have found myself
creating chaos within myself.

It is during those days,
do I feel drained that I don't
have the energy to positively
reinforce my own thoughts.

These are the days,
I need reassurance,
perspective change
from someone, other
than myself.

It was there again
I mean
It came to me again
With a slow numbness
N grip on the throat
Weight on my chest
& shake of my head
It was all there again
Again
Once again
It’s got me
This time it was terrifying
Because I’d have lived
Without
For longer this time
So this time it felt like
Fear
Instead of comfort

Piling Up.
Falling.
Down.

Months have passed since the day we met. You once told me the fairytale-like story of seeing me for the first time. I am marveled with how the way you expressed every detail of finding ways just to know my name, to meet me. You said, "Hi" but you failed on your first try. 'Till one day you tried again to message me, I finally replied and I couldn't imagine that, that would be the outset of something new.

It's an overwhelming feeling whenever you try to utter your corny jokes just to see my bursted smile, or whenever you do a phone call during night times just to freely express how you miss me, and those times you took care of me when I am unwell just to save my day from sickness. Do you know what my favorite part is? It's whenever you send me your sweetest hand written letters together with your DIY cutie stuffs I've ever had.

You knew that I'd never been in love since birth. A kind of love between two hearts, captured by Cupid's bow and arrow. You are the man who showed and did efforts just to make me feel that I deserve to be loved and you made me realize that feeling. I can't explain it, the deep down feelings. Suddenly, I am lost for words. Just wanted to take a glance every time I am with you, because whenever I do, it makes me smile and comfy to be with you and all I can say is, I am blessed to have you.

You are a good man inside and out. Bit by bit, I will envelope you with the reality that my heart will only beats for your love. Because you made me feel cherished by you, you made me hmm fell for you.

Remember that I will stay by your side not for the rest of my life, but for the rest of yours. From this day, ‘till the end of our days.

Breakaway
Lose myself
Vanish
Forget the world
It wishes to do the same
Escape route
None

when you are talking to her at one a.m.
i hope you are telling her about
your favorite music
and
what you like to do when you are bored
and
about your family
or
why you wear those bracelets

tell her about everything that you love.

                                                                    i hope you don’t blurt out my name