Death.
I remember sitting in that room. Feeling as if the walls were going to close in around me.
That space and lapse between the ticking of the hand of the clock..from one second to the other. To the expanding of her lungs..the breaths that grew shorter and the flailing and fight of the body..begging for one more breath..as if in a fist fight with the arms of the clock..to reverse time.
Laying here, with my phone in hand..in the dark at 4:00 a.m., the backlight of the screen blaring in my eyes as I breath between sentences..ponder these memories and the plethora of thoughts and watch the cursor pulse.. as I lay one word in front of the other.
Time..is running out. Passing, even as I space these letters of the alphabet, strategically across this screen.
Love.
Reminiscing on my Mothers life and painful, agonizing passing, springs my mind and heart into action..to Love harder, live fuller and leave some sort of legacy to my children.
The one thing that she lived and taught, through the..sometimes disastrous way that she lived..was unconditional Love. There wasn't a word that passed through my lips that would cause her, to ever not love me. She was real, down to earth, tough as nails and lived through a life of surreal pain that most people couldn't even fathom.
Faith.
Fate has a way of stealing our blueprint for our life and rewriting it.
The immense, seemingly unbearable pains that come with growing and picking yourself up from one obvious failure to the next and the self doubt, confusion and hopelessness it's wrapped in, disguises itself as enough to "throw the towel in" on this life stuff.
Until the fight, stemming from faith in all things soulful arises and ignites your will to keep functioning and you pry yourself off of your pillow and try to remember that you're on borrowed time.
Purpose.
The problem with overthinking everything is that nagging, never ending thought that needs to find the reasoning behind everything..especially when it comes to those gory details and secrets about your life that nobody knows about..(or is that just my life?) Sometimes life just simply ***** and you'll never know why. As long as you can lighten up and laugh about it, you'll keep yourself out of the 51/50 category and keep on truckin', just a little stronger than before. Pull the "good" out of every wretched fragment of your story and use it to broaden your perspective and become more accepting of the people around you.

As I come to the end of this spillage of my soul onto paper, in hopes that I can dwindle down the twisting of my thoughts enough to rest..I hope that I encouraged at least one person to live deeper and love fuller, allowing all things good to stretch beyond your circumstance and be an inspiration to someone struggling.
Lead with Love.

Now swings the jacaranda
with the joy that had ceased to glow:
from the depth of dark blue times
comes violet sweet-singing like old;
the tree never will forget
even in its brightening dreams
the ash-smoke story of how
it once lost all of its leaves:
each a tear: for fond memory,
goodbyes stolen by suffering's thief,
autumn giving no notice
of winter dressed only in grief;
standing lonely in the night
as winds whistle your sad tune
looking up to not believe
while in your spirit's June:
stars are silent explosions
at peace with the still moon;
you are not the moon or sun,
the stars are what's left of you.

you weave a sickly web
I was just a little fly
you beckoned me in and wrapped me up
and left me there to die
i know that you are blind
and truly so was I
your sticky threads were glistening
but they were just a lie
my body perished, but I've been reborn
and now I see you clear
small predator, you'll scuttle
when I'm the one to fear
you've a spool and cunning mind
and patience lasting years
but I've got eyes, a sharper mind,
and no more time for tears

Maybe, we were too caramelized.

Yes, that's right, too caramelized, too sweet, too cozy and warm, slowly oozing against the fire we were leaning on, feeding off of each others sugar, each others, well, sweet tooth.

There is a reason you mom tells you not to eat too much candy on Halloween or not to eat that last cookie in the jar, and it is because she knows how much you will want more. She knows how hard it is to stop once you have already gotten that sweet craving on your lips.

But, still you eat, and you indulge in these phantasmagoric forms of sugar... and even though she warned you, you are left sitting with you teeth rotten out with an ache like no other.

Every time I finally start to overcome 
And from my feelings find the strength to run;
There, around the corner, are my memories waiting,
And I suddenly begin to realize that my strength is quickly fading.

It doesn't seem to ever long enough last.
I never seem to truly overcome my past.
It haunts me in my dreams whether I'm asleep or awake.
It knocks me down and beats me till once again I break.

I try so hard, I really do,
I try my best to look forward to
Every good thing that will come from this pain,
And every little gift I'll in the end gain.

I know that everything has happened for a reason,
I only wonder at what time or in which season?
When will the past at last be behind me?
What must I do to find you to come find me?

How long will it take, I've truly begun to wonder,
When I no long hear this passing thunder;
The clash-clanging reminder of that which has been,
To finally see the sun along with a newly best friend?

Again I say my best is being done,
To this drenching pain at last overcome.
Yes I'm doing my best to weather the storm
Still it's leaving me feeling so battered and worn.

8/21/14 10:46 p

I can sit here and stare at this wall for hours and not one thought will pass through my drug infested mind. Blank stare. Truth or dare. I dare you to breathe. Breathe in this air. Toxic poison air. Breathe ******* it. Are you scared? Are you fckng scared?!!...................................
My skin has become leather. my bones concrete. You may think you know everything, but you don't know me, I don't even know me.
Step one. Take two steps back and re access things. Step two. Try to love what you may feel is ugly in you. Step three. Realize you cant change the past. Now dont look back with regret, move forward and be one with forget. Time heals your open wounds, and all that will be left are scars . These scars are reminders that you have overcome. Have you any open wounds? If you do you are already dead. Be grateful and less selfish. You are alive. Life goes on.....

Concept: I am standing at the edge of a great abyss, it is dark and unending and I am no longer afraid of it.

transported back into those walls
running down the basement hall
i locked the door so i could hide
and reaching for a 45
with practically no voice at all
i sang along and prayed
to drown you out

does the soul regenerate?
what part of me did you take?
your verbal threats would make me gasp
no one could hear when I called out
record player winding ‘round
i tried to yell
but couldn’t shout

yet something you did cultivate
a plan you helped to propagate
for each and every time i ran
like a builder in a gym
i’d sing a song and sing again
strengthening the chords within
empowering my voice

©2016janetaylor