you taught me fear
and a mistrust of strangers
now I have no friends
and am scared of rollercoasters

i looked into the
depths of what i could
possibly learn,
hugging the night's silence
in replace of a crowd,
just to hear her secrets.

and she said

sometimes you
will leave the light at
the end of the tunnel
with a lesson
in replace
of your lover

sometimes you will feel
the agenda of a union
an intuition
a gathering of spirit
welling up in yourself
speaking of some dire truth

grab it

your time with such and such
is coming up, you can not take him
or her of them or you,
with you on your next chapter
leave the lover
leave your mother
father and your brother,
and take the lesson.

You were born on August 2, 1948, you were a Leo just like me.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-three.
You were unique and I truly hate that you're dead.
I wanted you to get better but sadly, you died instead.
You were a special person and that's something I'm grateful for.
But I'm not grateful for the fact that you're not alive anymore.
Many people were better off simply because they knew you.
You were a terrific and caring lady and that is certainly true.
One great thing about you was that you loved to help others.
Happy Birthday, Mom, you were truly a wonderful mother.

wants me to tear
my heart out ******
for her to hold,
still-beating, sticky
fingers tasting rich
like butterfly feet;
but see
the scar-marked bark
has closed it in
pulse-roots solid strung to lungs
corded grip of kin
sordid so
she asks me smiling again
and hands me the silver platter
and her
shining dinner
knife.

You are not here
How do I live
How do I breathe
I feel lonely and it hurts
Just in here where they cannot see
Why did you go
Didn't you know I'd miss you so
I want to run into your arms
I want you to hold me through the night
But where are you
Will you ever come back to me
So many questions clouding my mind
Last night I walked under the rain
Thinking back to when you were there
Do you remember our first kiss was under the rain
Did you hear me scream your name
As I let my tears get washed away by the rain
Today our daughter asked about you
What was I to say to her
Should i tell her you are gone
I wish it was that easy
Would you please come back to me
D

my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?

I’ll bake your bread
but never eat

I’ll curb your taste
with extra cheese

I’ll sell your wares
through cheeky grin

I’ll charm your trade
while breaking down

I’ll take your calls
neath frowning cheer

I’ll print your life
without the clout

I’ll scrub your floors
and your *****

I’ll give you time
at mine’s expense

There’s something about the bleeding of
a pen through paper and on to
the other side
It gives me
a sense of permanency
Trying hard to stay put
it bleeds for its home

A mother hoping so much
to hold on. Leaves a
mark on their children
A tattoo of trauma
Leaves a mark on your
children

A love so sweet it’s tattoo
permanent mark my skin
with your presence on my
shoulder; permanent
A hope so sweet, I hope it’s
permanent

Bleed through my skin, leave a
splotch like pen to a paper
marking home reminding
you of its permanence

blinking sunsets creases,
dewy in concepts of me.
to you,
i was perfect.

sweet creation,
swaddled in salmon silk.
your one,
your only.

nestled in your armpit,
hushly hummed stories.
beautiful worlds,
golden mornings.

when did it all go wrong?

i've broken your heart.
i'm sorry that
i'm bad at apologies.
i get that from you.

wet face,
*****,
red throats
empty stares.

hospital lighting,
missing liquor,
endless consumption.
sadness you've never known,
until me.

our silver clouds
still glow at night.
for you,
i will win this war
against myself.

i will become someone
you're proud to know.
your baby still loves you,
and always will.

Sometimes I go weeks without thinking of my mother
She is lost to the healing and distance and peace
But like everything there is an opposite
And there are days where I can’t stop seeing, hearing, fearing
I see her when my hair gets long
I hear her when I pick up objects
“Broom, milk, paper”
I feel her when I run my fingers over the texture of my face
Sometimes my partner wakes me up at night
And tells me I’ve been crying and fighting
She visits me in my dreams
But I’m small again
And she’s big again
I can’t escape her because I haven’t grown yet
I haven’t learned yet
I don’t have the strength yet
All the things I will learn years ahead
Can’t help me while she holds my head underwater
So I inhale my tears
And push against my pillows
And wake up crying out for a mother