does the inside of your head
ever feel like a radio
thats constantly changing
stations
with lots of
static
and all the stations are
bad thoughts
that are strung together in
a sort of continuous narrative
of constantly escalating
fear
and
compounding dread?
intrusive thoughts
Miss Ana Oct 2017
"Don't tell me sad things"
He says
I guess I'll just hold it inside.

Your selfish words have made me self sustainable.

I do not need you. I pick you. You should feel so lucky.

"I need you" he says. And that's just great. No pressure.

I do not need him. And that makes him sad but its the truth.

"I don't want to lie to you" he says.

Well that's fine. But it is easier that way. Just tell me what I want.

I just want things my to be my way. What's wrong with that?

"Don't tell me sad things"

I guess I'll just hold it inside.
Maybe I am trying to talk to you about things that make me sad. Maybe it is not all about you.
Miss Ana Oct 2017
Well alright then,
Its not so easy
Finding these words
On a page that doesn't really exist.
Trying to explain..
What? I have no idea.

Well alright then,
I am sorry you don't understand
Is it so hard just to hear me?
Dying for someone to pretend and nod.
"You worry a lot"
Who fucking cares.

Well alright then,
I'll try to make it better
Pills and people
Its all the same really
Why can't I be like this?
Is being like this illegal?

Well alright then,
If it bothers you don't talk
To me or anyone you don't want to
We don't need to be friends
You don't get my humor?
I don't get your judgment

Well alright then,
We are all alright
We are all right
Just how we are
You don't need to stop judging
So let me keep worrying
You wouldn't tell someone to lose weight, so why tell someone to gain some?
You wouldn't tell someone to be less happy, so why tell them to be happier?
Miss Ana Jul 2017
But when we sit down and think about it
I'm really not sure
I have no idea in fact
I can't tell you why
No one else seems to know
And there aren't any distinct feelings about it
Its just there
My life that is
Miss Ana Jul 2017
It was the kind of heat that was so hot and sticky, you could taste the  air.

In Texas that means it tastes of bullshit, both kinds.

Its the kind of heat that makes you feel trapped in a room even when you are outside.

It was the kind of  heat that limits your ability to speak.

So wet and full.

It was a heat that made all kinds of clothing acceptable.

It was the kind of heat that made everyone equal.

No matter what, we all felt the heat.

It was the kind of heat that made you want to stand still.

It was the kind of heat that made people share water, then fight over shade.

It was the kind of heat that made someone understand the monologues at the beginning of old westerns, and indie movies about the south.

It was so damn hot.
It gets so hot here, people get angry because of the heat. One year there was a problem with people shooting others while driving. Explanation? It was hot, and they were angry.
Miss Ana Jul 2017
And in the end it is all the same
men are the same
women are the same
you are the exact same...
its boring
but its true
life in its stillness will never be gratifying
yet perpetual motion isn't that great either
so dramatic...
  Jun 2017 Miss Ana
Pea
I keep thinking i haven't washed my hair
My head seems to not be able to forget the grease
Maybe deep down i just want it to stay
(I washed my hair this morning
In the sink)

I keep thinking i'm doing great
That's what my therapist said too
But sometimes i wish i was dying more visibly
Sometimes i wish i made more signs
Sometimes i wish i hadn't gotten better

I don't want to stop
I want to want to stop
I don't want to stop

What?
I got nothing to show you
I got none to tell you

Remission is a weird state
Everything partial makes me uncomfortable
I just want to cling to whatever i had
Don't snatch away my ghosts
Don't snatch away
They come back anyway
Befriending me again
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