No one knew what is was like being unloveable.
No one knew what it was like being untouchable.
Not literally untouchable.
Just on the inside so stuck in the past that you can't breath.
Half of my panic attacks excist because of the past.
Past events that are out of my control.
And so worried about the future that I begin to lose hold.
So out of reach an untouchable.
I keep myself away from others so as not to feel the pain I've enflicted upon myself.

Fancy, a flighty folly,
I’ve found fairly hard to find.
As soon as she stops searching
so suddenly it slips into sight.

Love’s lack leaves life lackluster,
but lust can lead life lessons
Wayward ones will waste them.
While worrywarts wail un-waning.

You see I'm hurting inside
You see that all I want to hide
But you also see that I want you
To hold me, to grip me and not let go

But this time when I push you
Away hoping, needing you to come closer
You don't, you walk away further
Than before, further than I pushed

But I guess that's fine...
For what more can I have but pain?
Pain runs through my poems line
Like all the tears hidden by the rain

Like all the scars on my heart,
And all of them on my mind,
But it's the ones that stain my soul
And make it red, well maybe before

It all got worse it was simply red
But now whenever I look in the
Mirror hoping to see a smile in
My own eyes all I see anymore is

Black void of sadness and pain
That plagues my soul hidden
Behind the light I took from the
Bulb and put in my eyes

Hidden behind the smile
Stolen from pictures on the web
That I glued to my face
But even though you see all this

You didn't push towards me,
No, all you did was leave me
To sink through my darkness,
To sink through my thoughts

That convince me you love
Someone else, my thoughts
That convince me theirs another
Lover always staring at you

In the form that I thought
Was explicitly mine to see.
Pain, it flows through my mine
like it flows through my soul

And through the lines of my poem,
I guess pain is the main constant
In my life, with sprinkles of disappointment
and pretense of happiness to make it

Taste like sugar as it runs
through who I am.
Thanks for showing me the light...
Actually, for taking it away when I needed it most...

the good nights
used to be tinged
with kisses
and a soft caress
against my back
sending shivers
down throughout my spine
but now you say good night
with silence and
unmoving touches
i'm not too sure
how i became so dull
and unlovable
and cast away
to the colder side
of this bed
it's 5am,
i'm wide awake
this ache kept me awake
as you slept
your arms were in the wrong place
they were supposed to be here, here
holding me and keeping
the slumber less thoughts away

lovelessnes leaves me shaking so hard
it cost alot to get me together again,
all the shallow feelings,
all the empty shadows,
i can see them all in your eyes.

the fear of loss,
the anxiety of the unknow,
the concern to be loved and respected,
the worry to keep your ego.

if you are paying attention you will notice,
all of them are fears, scars, bad things,
i can see them all in your eyes,
in the form you shake your hands,
in the way you speak to me.

oh...how much i would love to vanish your worries,
to see you grow and bloom,
to see you whole...

but you are not mine to interrupt the way you live,
you are not mine to repair,
you are part of this life,
and the part of life you let get in,

sorry i like to worry,
i like to worry about you,
about de future, about our future,
i just would like to know if there is something to save,
or if you would like to be saved.

There is a cemetery in your heart worth minding,
Where the bones of your lovers are always grinding,
The path in is simple; escape long and winding,
Love is so rarely mutually binding.

Dig me a grave there, keep me bound.
Hold me by the hair, through your fingers wound,
As you push me harder into the ground,
Till I am buried within you, my funeral mound.

The familiar is all but lost
Relegated to monochromatic melancholy
This place holds no joy
Once soothing, now both dull and lifeless
This is not my happy place
This is not my comfort zone
This place holds no peace
Backed into a box of light gray
Shhh...
Don't speak, lest you be heard
Don't watch, lest you be seen
Don't care, lest you be hurt
This place holds no love
A hint of freedom long gone
An air of acceptance
Lured by what once was
This place holds remnants of a dream

I thought or so I thought I forgot,
forgot all the pain you caused.
I was wrong, so wrong enough to say,
say that I don't loved you anymore,
I don't need you anymore,
that I'm happy without you.
but I was WRONG.

Numb.
I'm the careless, selfish person I never wanted to become.

Eighteen years of being alone has left me jaded and believing love doesn't ******* exist. Guys will settle for my body for a night with no intention of knowing my mind.

And, perhaps worse, some even stoop so low as to pretend to be interested in me - ask me about my family, my religion, my passion, my stance on politics - with the underlying intention to just use me and never speak to me again.

Those are the ruthless kind of boys who give ****** up, broken girls like me a glimmer of hope. There's nothing crueler than making the hopeless hopeful - earning their trust only to crush it again.

And now I can't look at the stars without thinking of him. I knew we'd never love each other, and was honestly only remotely attracted to him.

He was just the first boy to ever look at me that way - like I was something to be desired. He took what he wanted under a thin veil of respect, then left me staring at the stars and feeling like the stupid girl I am.

We were never meant to be in love.