They are legion

Hey God...

I have a confession.

I am not a good person.

I know it isn't original, and I know you've heard this too many times from too many broken people.

But it's the only shred of honesty I can give so please accept it...
Because I do not know how to forgive myself for this tower of lies I built over the last month and a half.

I am not a good friend.

I try...

And you know I try. But I haven't been trying as hard as I used to.
But I want to try and make things right.

I have convinced myself that heaven seems too high up for me to get to.
And I'm here asking you to tell me there is still a chance for me to be saved from my life.

I went to church today for the first time in months.
I saw old friends, and read new verses... I learned more.
Although I still feel like an outcast in this place we call "safe".

I can't feel your presence near me even when I pray.
It's like I've cut the communication lines and there is no repairing them.

I am willing to work for my life.
I will build houses of faith and sing praises until I drop, but it won't be enough.

I work well under pressure. So if you told me that getting to heaven was as simple as building a ladder as high as I could in 24 hours, I would work through war and hellfire to get there.

I would climb every rung until the ladder ended above the clouds and started feeling like the solid foundation of a life restarted.

I can only hope you will accept me with open arms, forgiveness...

And a "hello."

Why do you put up with a social climber
With two rungs left
Before his feet touch the earth?
Is it pity, empathy or indifference?

Choices are often ultimatums;
Free will is frequently channelled;
Chaos and dominos infiltrate like moles;
Serendipity and chance prevail.
A few rungs were damaged,
And the playing field is never level.

Why do you put up with one so down?

Ladders, she says, extend both ways,
The angles depend on aspirations.
Going up varies,
Coming down, inevitable.

She concludes with:
*The law of gravity is grave.
That's how.

How many ladders does it take to get to the top of the atmosphere
Where ******* doesn’t matter, and matter doesn’t appear

I broke the physics 
my mental is often there
some say I’m too high


But heights are nothing fear

I’ve found a way to escape my current reality  

a path that’s unknown and doesn’t reflect my salary, place nor origin my story is far from vanity

To live a life of “routine” is a life full of tragedy, depression, and disparity

Especially if your dream was driven 
I’ve excelled in this keen vision 
Avoiding obstacles isn’t impossible 
If you keep rhyme

No retronym needed 
I slide on and off beat

This….next line is an e x a m p l e

My mind is often offset like a distorted sample

Your half way there take a tug of this **** rope, I attract flickers of light equal to that of a candle

A venomous vandal, soon to verbally attack and dismantle

Clear words, let’s separate the pure from the ramble

I am like Rambo with a headband that’s inverted in hue

Since I am blue I will never be evergreen, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to the words of that being

I'm more than fascinated, I’m reaching heights only illustrated in my imaginations

I'm seeking collaborations, creators of a different mind to calibrate with
No calculations could change my current status

No aggravation could shake
my 
Inner patience

Blasting straight from the basement
Scaling to higher places
Ladders on top of ladders

How many ladders will it take to make it?

Under those bridges like ladders, we walked and we slept,
With the lives that we picked apart and the pieces we kept,
A backwards world gone broken, pieces falling down like rain
Shiny shattered shards of ruin, but the reflection will remain,
And she waits and she watches, slowly licking at her fur,
Maybe we wake up to dream, maybe the path crosses her,
Sleeping under blankets in summer, open umbrellas indoors,
But can’t go back to teenage sunsets, can’t fight our parent’s wars,
It will take time, maybe our whole lives, but everything for now,
Dangling from the end of her string with a sick sweet meow,
And the only thing I need to know is if old men still dream,
When silence is golden, am I worth my weight in a scream?
Seeking a world with cyan skies where Fridays only come in twelves,
We saved yesterday for tomorrow, but still can’t save us from ourselves,
Seven more years, six more months, one last day and then through,
As the thought finally occurs that it was me crossing you.

I actually found someone I prefer more than
The xan
I would rather remember the time I spend on him
I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me
He addicts me more than
This xan
When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours
When I’m so weak
And so useless
So dumb
He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and
The xan never gave a **** about me
It made me stop thinking
But it also made me stop caring
About everything and everyone
But him
He was stronger than
The xan
He never ruined me
And the xan sure did
I can turn away from it now
But him, I can’t
I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach
Until I lost my balance and
That xan
Did me so wrong
But he
Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that
In love with him
His
I didn’t want to belong to the xan
I wanted to die by the xan
Except now, he made me love this life
Made me realize that I can
Without the xan
My boyfriend tastes better
Makes me feel better
Takes care of me better
Than
Any kind of xan I
Could ever find

But it doesn’t really matter what you say
They’re all just words anyway
I could hear them all day
And I know I’d still be okay
It doesn’t really matter what you do
Only who you do it to
Because they might give up on you
And find someone new
Nothing doesn’t really matters
Until all that climbing ladders

Takes you nowhere