My chest is way too tight,
My lungs can't move to breathe,
And I can't stop telling myself,
They wouldn't notice if I leave.
Their lives would continue on the same,
I'm just a mess in their way,
And no matter how hard I try,
I can't think of one reason to stay.
Maybe a few would miss me,
One or two at most,
But they will forget and move on,
Overlook the kid who overdosed.

I'm a mess, I know
Back then I was eleven years old
I saw my mother fighting each day
Cancer really spoils you in the worst possible way

I wanted to run, I wanted to change
But I guess old habits can't be tamed
I longed for the attention, the care
I know it sounds selfish, but does it sound insane?

Things happen for a reason, and so I know
I was only happy when I had the stars that glowed
Little hands longing love, put on hold
"You need to change" –as so I was told

I remember you little kid.
You always were the first in school
even though that didn't make you really cool.
You did not care about you body,
you treated it just like another toy.

But just like this poem's rime
you became a broken toy.
Your mind so full of stars
became silent in shame
over your broken soul.

You killed yourself when we were twelve.
I was left alone.
Alone with your body
in a room
with no doors.

I tried to cry over you rotting body
but the tears wouldn't come out anymore.
We used to cry together over childish things,
but now I am alone and I feel like actually crying
yet it won't happen so I try to laugh.
We used to laugh
all
the
time
but I no longer can
for you are not here,
only your carcase is.
Only your ****** carcase.

You used to say:
"Laugh because you are sad,
cry because it'll make you happy"
and maybe I agree, so I'll remember it.

I'll remember you as if you were real.
I'll remember you as if you existed
far above the page I'm writing in,
but you don't.
Yet your body is tied to mine
rotting in this room with no doors
and I hope I can forget you once more.

It's surprising the power words have on people.
I could have tried to **** myself at 12,
but it never crossed my mind.
I tried to **** myself a couple of times,
yet here I am.
Remembering you kiddo.

Dawn with her rosy red cheeks
Triggered dirt water to brew
Out of habit two mugs were set
One for me
                 and
One for you

A forlorn breath passed my lips
No cure for this mornings thirst
I did forget (I mean, I didn't want to face the fact)
                  that
You started college
An empty nest is just the worst

A moment captured
Those two mugs
A message sent
Expressing my love
Good morning kiddo, I miss our coffees. Love dad.
This sadness belongs to the mourning doves.

how wonderful it was to walk through life
thinking everything was flowers and daisies
when in reality it was not
everything was thunderstorms and poisoned rain

and it still is.