i don't get it
i don't understand
the chemistry
the frequency
is falling out of my hands
what is it about me?
what is my problem?
why aren't i like them?
them like me?
things like that
could never be

I simply cannot express myself any other way,
I can only do so with a puddle of ink on my paper day by day.
The words don't flow as easily with a pen and paper sitting in front of me
It'll take too long for me to write.
I simply cannot tell you how I feel naturally
My anxiety stops me, my fears stop me, and I hesitate or choke on my own words.
So if you could just please understand that I express myself with writing or songs,
Then maybe you and I would get along.
Just a little more.
I know you care and I know you wanna help,
but how can you help me when you're too busy ignoring me?!
I live in fear of loving and trusting others,
Always doubting those who confess to me because anyone who ever has done that,
has left.
Perhaps I just wasn't good enough or maybe it was just me in general, perhaps it could've been them as well but either way I'm tired.
So please just ******* love me, please ******* understand that you're not the only ******* one who needs help.
I do too.
Please.
Hold me, please.

I think there is a void in me,
I'm trying to fill with guys
but,
that doesn't give me happiness at all

The savior
The perfect partner
The dominant
The free spirit
The fiancé
The parental substitute
The anarchist
The sweetheart
The nice guy
All of these aspects of myself
Yet none of them are fully me
These are the roles I've fallen into
In order to match my various partners
And though all of these may be
Different components of me
None of them feels quite whole
I do not feel whole

All of these personalities
Exist on a spectrum of time and space
None interacting with any others
Each signifies a distinct point in life
Each has its own home
It's own experiences
Attitudes and viewpoints
Behaviors and habits

Yet what do I do when
Two of my contextualized selves
Decide to overlap?
When my ex who knew the fiancé
Moves back to town where I live
As does my person
Who's heard stories of the others
But who only knows the nice guy

How do I begin to heal when
I do not understand what is real
And what existed solely for others?
How do I continue to grow
When the fiancé is fighting restraints
And the nice guy is exhausted
The sweetheart does not exist
And the anarchist screams for revolution?

They seem to be fighting each other
Just to have a chance to breathe
A chance to take the wheel
A chance to control "me"
Yet who even am I?
Are all of these selves fabricated
Or are they hyperbolized aspects of me
Connectable like puzzle pieces
Into one beautiful picture?

The problem is
The picture I see is not beautiful
I'm trying to be nice to myself
But all I see and feel is darkness
I am an abomination
An evil person who cannot be trusted
A dark soul inhabiting an empty body
A person who is not a person
A human with a lack of self
It's almost like I'm not even alive
But even death would be a relief
So I can finally end the confusion
And stop hurting people along the way

STAY AWAY!
              
             Or else I'll fall for your smile
                          
                          Or else I'll get used to the way the corners of your eyes
                          crinkle when you laugh at the lamest joke I could tell you
                                    
                        ­             Or else I'll find out that you hate tomatoes but spaghetti
                                      is one of your favorite foods
                                                
                                                 Or else it'll be embedded in my brain forever
                                                 that for some reason you hate the color yellow
                                                 and I'll never know why

STAY AWAY!
              
              Or else my friends will start asking me where you've been after I
              invited you over to hang out for the first time
                          
                           Or else we'll find "our spot" that I'll drive by every other day
                           and always remember how good that summer was

                                      Or else I'll show you one of my favorite songs that'll
                                      turn into one of your favorite songs and you'll thank
                                      me for it

                                                    Or else I'll hang up the pictures of us in my
                                                    room and every time I see them I'll smile and
                                                    be thankful I have you around

STAY AWAY!

              Or else I'll love you

                         Or else I'll give so many pieces of myself to
                         help you
                                    
                                      Or else I'll think you feel the same way

                                                   Or else I'll think that you care

                                  
                            ­     S    T     A    Y           A    W    A     Y 
                                
                               Or else you'll have a chance to leave me