Trying to fill the hole inside,
I crammed in the flower you gave me.
But that's just a thimble-full of water
onto a raging fire of despair

someplace
inside
covered in vines
and wildflowers
lays the best part of me
with thoughts of you
floating around like clouds
a heart-shaped hole
contains my memories
of when i was happy
of whispers
sang to the stars
and secrets
sang to the moon
of fireflies
in my hands
and sunlight
on my skin
of stretches
in the morning
with anticipation
of seeing you
that what's hidden
in the deepest part of me
if you look
hard enough
you'll see a smile
and a hand
that held
by an angel
by the name of
You
and if you try
you'll find
innocence
and
happiness

How do I explain to you the feeling of
inadequacy when someone loves or compliments?

How do I explain to you the fear of being a disappointment
or not having climbed up to someone's level of expectation?

How do I explain when without warning I am plagued
with self doubt, layered with chaotic-heavy-blues
and harboring insecurities?

How do I explain when I don't want
these thoughts to matter?
when I just want them to be deprived
of care that they die within,
and never surface to my skin.

But somehow like the crashing waves
they envelope me in the depths and like
the black hole **** me from within.

There is a hole that exists within me,
no pain,
just a sunken hollow.
A constant emptiness
and a feeling of terrible,
terrifying loneliness.

My heart latches onto people,
sometimes even to the ones
who may not know my name.

I can create or feel
love and comfort from them.
I embed them into the figment
of my imagination,
for they are always there to stay.

But once their souls
leave my reality,
the figment starts to fade.

Once the feelings are no longer there
my heart,
my mind
become a sunken empty hole
waiting to be filled once more.

But people,
feelings are so temporary.
For the only fill was self love,
self acceptance,
and connection with god.

Stupid
You're old enough now
You should know better
Don't even
Don't you dare
Don't you cry
****
It's spilling
Its
S  p
i    l    l
i      n      g
Out
You ******* crybaby
STOP
Now everyone's worried
Well not everyone
He's not worried
He hasn't even noticed
He just walked by
*******
Crying even harder?
You wimp
S H U T  U P
I don't know why I'm crying okay?
Yes, you do
I don't
Liar
He's leaving
And he didn't even notice you
Wow
That's right
You're too old for this
It's not like you're special
Nearly every one has that black hole inside of them now
Fill it with food
Or material things
Or strangers
But it won't work
You think that there's someone out there for you?
Someone who will fill you?
Make you better
Stupid *****
No one will do that for you
So ******* grow up
and stop crying

Stop crying

In the center gravity holds
tightly as we spiral
awaiting to enfold
ever pressed in cosmic vinyl

The glutinous substance
Splashes my skin
Dashing by my painless existence
The jesters and clowns make sarcastic remarks
On this canvas of Jackson *******
Looks like the acrylic broke on the acrid stains
It was a hot mess and the red beset with the randomness
A crazed mind, I was lost in the screaming of intellect
The critics defined the bane of my reality
I was splashing dashes of excellence beyond my time
Which felt like a crumpled paper of exploited emotions
Employing my craze in this painting of a thousand memories
It isn't realistic, but, it's probably me