I am sitting on a bench full of kids my age. My gaze dances over unfamiliar faces. Everything around me is moving so fast. But I am sitting calmly. I am looking around at everything. My gaze passes over the face of a girl with long black hair braided into a braid. I don’t know her name. I don’t care.

I am sitting in school. The teachers are playing a game with us. We are sitting at a table. We are playing with kids from another class. And she is there. The girl with black hair in a braid. Now I know her name. Rebeca. She is loud and having fun. I don’t like her.

This is my third year in school. Kids from other classes have joined ours. And she joined too. I am angry. I can’t stand her.

A few months have passed. Rebeca is pretty cool. She is nice and fun. I think I want to be her friend. I’m glad we’re in the same class.

I am friends with Rebeca. I love how she always makes me laugh. I love the teeth she’s always showing when she laughs. We spend our breaks together. We go out to the playground together. I like her.

Rebeca slept over at my house. It was one of the best nights of my life. We laughed together until we couldn’t breathe. Rebeca is my best friend.

I had a party for my 10th birthday. I invited my friends. I invited Rebeca too. It was fun. I am very happy to have a friend like her. I hope we will always stay friends.

I invited Rebeca to my house after school, like always. She said she might come. So I waited for her. She didn’t come.

Rebeca doesn’t really want to play with me anymore. Sometimes I go up to her at school, but she’s not interested in talking to me. I miss her.

I watched Rebeca in our classroom as she talked with other girls. They are more mature than I am. But Rebeca has changed. She wears makeup. She cut off her beautiful long black hair that she always used to wear in a braid. I wish she were like she was before.

I had a party for my 11th birthday. I invited my friends. It was fun. I really enjoyed it. I didn’t invite Rebeca.

I watch Rebeca in class during break. She’s having fun. She shows her white teeth when she laughs. I want to laugh too. But I haven’t talked to Rebeca in a few months. I watch her play and mess around with the boys in our class. She puts on makeup with other girls in our class. She swears and smiles weirdly at the boys. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t swear. I don’t hang out with boys. Rebeca gets on my nerves. I don’t like her.

Everything shut down because of the pandemic. Rebeca isn’t joining the online classes. Rebeca always used to try hard in class. I have no idea what happened to her. I don’t care what she’s doing.

I finally went back to school after the pandemic. I saw Rebeca. She had a lot of makeup on. She had a piercing on her nose. She wasn’t showing her beautiful white teeth when she smiled anymore. She wasn’t smiling. Her hair had changed. Her beautiful black hair that used to go down to her **** barely reached her ears now. I almost didn’t recognize her.

During class, I was talking with a friend. We were laughing. Rebeca told me, “shut up!” She was frowning. I am afraid of Rebeca.

I left our school a year earlier because I went to a different school. I like my new school. I have friends here. I haven’t even thought about Rebeca.

I heard that Rebeca didn’t get into any high school. I know she’s smart because she used to do really well in school. I feel sorry for her.

I came to my old class’s school farewell. Rebeca was there. I saw her smile. I saw her beautiful white teeth. And suddenly, she looked just like the Rebeca I talked to five years ago. I wanted to go up to her, but I was scared. I decided to go home. I looked at Rebeca one last time, who was talking to other girls who were prettier than me. “Goodbye, Rebeca,” I said to myself and left.

I hope she remembers me sometime.

I know you won’t read this
and I know you won’t care
but I will tell you what it was like.

It was blurry.
it was slow
but time was running fast.
It was dusty feet
and dusty souls.
It was feeling nothing
and then all at once.
It was hating you
to drown the urge of hugging you.
It was writing a poem
and post it
wishing you will relate to it.

But who cares,
you don’t.

This morning I spotted Dawn
in his human disguise
walking by my window.
He had a bucket of gold
paint in his hands
and the rays of the sun
following his feet
and when I waved at him
he sparkled me a smile back
as if
we knew.

Every time I get to see your bright smile
It makes my heart glow with hundreds of happy lights
I wish I was able to spend more time in your presence
Sometimes miss your laugh on quiet nights

And even when we have not talked in weeks
I do not feel distressed, down, or blue
The warming touch of memory
Brings back all the things I love about you

I said it before, I’ll say it again
Hope we can move past these chain of events that keep us trapped.
Light up the room, light it again
Hope we can talk freely like children on school nights, miles apart.
Smile like before, smile again
Haven’t meet up for months, maybe it’s a sign that this is the end.

Maybe we shouldn’t play pretend.
Play dates are over now there are only days.
We’ve outgrown our toys, we’ve outgrown ourselves.



© Sofia Villagrana 2018