Why hello my names ****** and I really wanna die
I’ve been telling all my friends about it
They said I should try
So when I got home I slit my wrists and blood shot really high
And when I was done I got so scared that I just sat and cried
I really wanna die
I wanna die
Cuz I got nothing left in my life
All i dream about is suicide
Cuz I wanna die
They say it’s a crime
How could someone with a face so strikingly divine wanna commit suicide?
But I do
Because you left me my love
And I’m nothing without you
So I cry
I named my kitten Dolce
It means “sweet” in Italian
Because he was the light of my life, and the only sweetness I’d ever truly felt
My evenings would consist of me listening to his soft purrs while I held him close.
He was the only one who could truly get me through my sadness. Nobody else could.
My pride and joy
My sweet little boy
It was late one night, and I let him out for a little stroll.
Who knew that was the last time I’d ever see my sweet little boy ever again.
That morning I awoke to the sight of him. Brutally eaten alive by a coyote.
I don’t think I’ll ever love again.
Id spend my afternoons in the garden with the flowers
My only real friends.
We’d talk while I drank my milk tea and laughed for hours about absolute nonsense
The daisys would keep me updated on all the gossip going around the garden
And the chamomile’s would offer their advice on anything I needed.
The lavenders would make me laugh
And the roses would compliment my makeup
Since it was inspired by them
I’d bring my diary there and share with them all my stories and the crazy things that had happened to me that day, since they were the only ones that would listen.
They became my only source of joy
One day I walked to the garden, ready to tell them all my new adventures
But when I began to speak, I noticed something off.
They weren’t responding.
I nudged the orchids.
“What’s wrong? Why aren’t any of you speaking?”
I sat there for hours.
I came back the next day, hoping they’d speak again.
But they never did.
The man that I love always says he’s sorry
Yet he does it again
Not that I blame him, though
All the other girls are strikingly beautiful
And I bet you a million dollars theyre way happier than I’ll ever be
Many times I’d tell myself that this would be his last chance
But his eyes fill with tears every time I try to end our relationship.
Like raindrops on a flower petal
I love him. I adore him.
I can’t bear to see him cry
I forgive him.
And I wait to repeat the cycle next week
We lay in my bed.
Late at night. Around 11 or so.
The cream colored blankets and baby pink pillows were covered with his scent.
My fingers danced along his back as i hummed his name
They traced imaginary little patterns into his tanned skin.
I longed for him to love me
But he didn’t.
He only loved me an hour before, when I was undressed.
I keep humming and tracing my fingers along his back
“Go to sleep. You’re being annoying.”
Growing up, I was accustomed to “tough love”
My father would yell and hit me. He’d say it was out of love and for my own good.
My best friend would criticize me and mock me. She’d say it was out of love and for my own good.
And the man that I thought I loved would lie and **** me. He’d say it was out of love and for my own good.
Then one day I met a boy.
He was different. He treated me with respect and kindness. Something extremely foreign to me.
I think people call it “romantic”
Whatever that means.
I wasn’t familiar with the concept of “romance” or love. I was always mistreated and whenever I felt someone try to love me I’d get scared and run away. I didn’t know what to do in those situations since I wasn’t used to it.
And that’s exactly what happened.
Until I lost him.
I don’t blame him though.
And to this day I still don’t know what to do if someone approaches me wirh love.
I used to be pure
My golden halo rested above my head,
representing the genuine love I had for everyone
I was to forgive and adore everything and everybody in my path, no matter what wrongs they had done.
God sent me into the world and told me to be good.
For years I was nothing but the definition of grace and poise
I would be beaten and abused, but my love would not stop.
Until one day I had enough.
I grabbed my halo and threw it to the ground
I tore off my wings and embroidered lace nightgown
And I rampaged.
Flames engulfed me as I attacked my abusers
Violently, I hit. I stabbed. I shred.
When the flames died down I saw the damage I caused.
The guilt hit me.
I saw all of my abusers lay on the floor
Covered in blood
Begging for me to stop
The way I did when they hurt me
Physically. Emotionally. In all ways.
I turned to see God, awaiting my punishment.
He looked at me with such heartbreak and dismay.
“How could you do such a thing? I told you to come her to spread my word and to love others. Not cause pain.”
My lips quivered.
“I’m sorry God.”