before I met the man I love,
I had a bad history of
entering abusive relationships.
it might not make sense,
but a healthy relationship
used to be so much scarier
than an abusive one.
when my ex got angry,
he would hit me.
when my boyfriend gets angry,
he walks away until
he's calm enough to have
a rational conversation.
my ex was predictable.
I knew what was coming.
I could brace myself
for his punches.
I was never unprepared.
the first time that my boyfriend
walked away, my body
physically shook with fear.
because he didn't hit me,
and because violence
was all that I knew,
I was so afraid that
he would come back
with something much
worse than a punch.
he came back with a hug
and an "I love you."
now, I would be afraid
if a man tried to hit me.
it might sound strange,
but I am so happy
to be so scared
because that means
I've stopped wanting abuse.
it means I've finally realized
that I am deserving of love.
