i think i have a problem,
for real this time,
because the only words i've been able to write for months are
"i'm drowning"
and just what the **** am i drowning in?
to be honest i think i'm just numb
like when you're drowning and your brain shuts off when you run out of breath and--
there i go again.
i need a hug, and maybe a plane ride.
or just to sit on the top of a mountain, away from the depths of a body of water.
because i think water is out to get me right now,
like it's planning something
(like drowning me)
because i haven't really cried in a while,
which is just absurdly rare for me.
i cry all the time! it's my thing!
but tears haven't fallen in a long time,
and i've been really dehydrated, too.
so i think the water is saving itself for the big event.
it's hurricane season again, after all.
why do i feel like i'm drowning, if the water is waiting?
she hasn't drowned me yet, so why do i feel like it's already happening, or is currently happening?
the only answer i have is that i'm just become too numb.
and bracing myself for every eventuality has numbed me into oblivion, and that's what the draining drowning feeling is.
i don't really understand any of this.
but the good news is: i don't have to!
because by the time i get close to an answer, hurricane season will have ended and started all over again.

Denmark’s a prison
Where all are guards and all are inmates -
I must be the Queen
For I am held in chains,
Caught by the currents of my own thoughts;
Alas – I never learned to swim.
I am an echo chamber,
A thought is a ball kicked over and over and over and
Can I not pass law to cease this bruisement?
Goal! I speak,
And my thought is no longer contained within me
But in the world, circling the pates of the court.

Sweet, your lover calls you,
Even now;
As the battle with corruption corrupted you.
Justice, you promised me;
I no longer believe in justice.
I loved him, though his love was a leash;
You took from me my cage and now I cage myself.
Scheming and plotting against schemers and plotters –
No longer knowing ourselves as once we did,
No longer viewing the world as what it is –
If only I had seen!
You would not have abandoned me now.

You will not come again?
You will not come again.
The King is fallible,
The usurper of God is not omnipotent;
I see the traces of that which he strives to hide.
His mask is good, true, but –
A mask cannot hide all:
England is the trickster’s smiling blade,
I know so.
I mourn you, as I mourn all that I know:
This ends with the destruction of a nation.

I miss your presence beside me.
Your soft eyes, looking only at my face,
At my face only.
I was safe with you.
Hearts mirrored in forbidden affections;
Switch places with me,
Let us not be ****** for desire.
Marriage is man and wife, man and wife,
You saw the lies.

Kick, quick, pick the flowers,
One for each noble skeleton.
I show their secrets in petals and songs:
The language of the mad, the insane, the crazed fools –
Fool I am, I see all, hear all, know all.
Hang their weeds in the weep of the willow,
Cursed crowns of concealed corruption.

I reach –

A tear breaks –

And I am overwhelmed by swirling thoughts,
Sinking deeper into the abyss of my mind.
Smiling trickster, smiling blade – Pretty Ophelia!
A will not come again.
I will not come again.
No one will mourn me,
There will be no one to remember:
This ends with the destruction of a nation.

i have swollen, light rose eyes
because of the sea of tears  
rushing down my face.

one wave for love,
one wave for fake friendships,
one wave for my family,
and another for myself.

there is a reason
for my courage.
there is a reason
for my mess.

i let it all out,
that one night.
but oh, how come i didn't stay afloat?

i felt like i was drowning.
i'm still drowning.

i was weightless
adrift in the shark-infested
ocean of my thoughts

the bell rang,
everyone around me began
collecting their belongings
and moving on

i was frozen. stuck in
whirlpools. struggling to keep
my head above water.

the tables emptied, new faces
poured into the halls
something was blocking the
light

when i finally found my way
back to shore
i looked up and it was you,
heroic, with your lifeline
outlined by the sun

you stood by the doorway smiling.
books in hand, waiting for me

"you coming?"

i've learned you cannot save someone who doesnt want to be saved, like someone who is drowning might just push you away
their darkness just too heavy, the tide simply too strong, and you cannot drag someone to safety if they have wished to drown all along

Six days of drinking,
partial insanity,
I drink ketamine,
and I slip from reality.

My eyes feel like they have sand in them,
my ears, mouth, nose, too.
oh ****...
they do.

Why am I paralysed?
Why can't I move?
I've been rolled up in plastic...
what the **** did I do?

On a beach in Cambodia,
thrown under a stage,
after I fell in a K-hole,
and emerged the next day.

The pain is too much,
I pass out willingly.
Wake up and I'm drowning...
Water is killing me.

I cling to the ladder,
my strength starts to wane.
I try to scream help me,
Then blackout again.

I wake up in a rowboat,
cooked by the sun.
Skin crimson and blistered,
oh, what have I done?

My ankle is broken,
no wallet no phone,
I beg for a ride,
please just take me home.

The kind stranger helps me,
drops me at my hotel.
I swallow five ******
and escape from this hell.