broadview hotel breathing
in the trick mirror
of sunday moonlight
lethe, my dear absolver
you tell me glass only breaks
and never flows

and the river vanishes, too
before my eyes
like ghosts in the morning
and cursed wine
plucking mental pictures
from the jaws of drink

Like wet sponges, his eyes were, and everytime he shut them tears burst forth and ran down his rugged cheeks until they congregated on his trembling jaw before they leapt to their deaths. His lips quivered as if there was a great quake in his heart- there was; for his heart beat faster than any drum he had heard before and he collapsed onto the floor heaving and pounding.

Images of his past lovers formed in his humid eyes and every frame ushered in memories that washed over him like great waves, flooding his empty shell with more sorrow. Sunken relationships surfaced from the troubled waters like phantoms and continued to circle him until he finally disappeared into the murky depths of his emotions and he drowned in the sea of melancholy.

Gasping for air, he fought: clawing, kicking and screaming until he succumbed into a comatose state on the ocean floor, but that was not the end of it. Nightmares, the size of whales haunted him below the stormy seas, devouring him and spitting him out again. He was trapped in the belly of one great beast when he opened his eyes.

Darkness covered his eyes like black clouds and thunder filled his ears as the beast breathed and bellowed. Every time he tried to move he was assaulted by wicked gales that threw him deeper into the darkness, but he could not bear it anymore. He couldn’t bear it at all!

The stench of regret suffocated him and with every breath he took he grew less and less hopeful. He stopped trying all together and sat in a corner, waiting for his death to arrive and one day he heard men shouting from beyond the fleshy walls. Suddenly, he felt himself rising higher.

He washed out with the bile and the rotten food when the fishermen slashed the belly of the once mighty creature. They were surprised to see him of course, and they lifted his feeble body up by the arms as he could not bring himself to stand up. The sunlight blinded him and he instantly collapsed into their arms.

He woke up two days later in a warm cottage to the sight of a beautiful woman tending to his wounds. Her eyes, like shining pearls, met his and she said in the sweetest voice: “stop drinking, you ******* idiot!”

Bright lights. Blue, purple, white. Sweaty
people. Standing too close. Eruption. Cheers.
Happiness. I turn to look; lost.
Afraid. Anxiety. Asphyxiation.

Cold beer in the left. Camera in the right.
Grabby hands. Singing. Guitars. Drums
that bang too loud. Hurting ears.
Headache. Nausea. Tequila shot.

Smiles. Greetings. Sitting at the back
of the room, tearing up. Favorite song.
No one to dance with. Too small in
all this space. Too small for this place.

Why Mom?
Can I just ask, why?
What did I do to you to deserve this?
You say you love me but this is not love.
This is not love.
Love is not hitting me in the face.
Love is not hitting me anywhere.
Love is not yelling.
Love is not cruel words you say to me.
Love is not physical or emotional abuse.
Love is not alcohol.
Love is not drinking by yourself in your room.
Love is not drinking with people who use you.
Love is not putting alcohol above all.
Love is not putting alcohol before me.
Love is not supposed to create hate.
Love is not abuse.
Why, Mom?
I'm begging you to stop.
I'm on my hands and feet begging.
Please, Mom.
Stop drinking.

when i asked my best friend to punch me in the face

i was serious.
i knew he never would
but i wanted him to
bless me with a fist,
put knuckles to my skin
and hit me like he meant it.

there’s some crimson catharsis
in watching veins split,
in oxidizing spit,
old penny drip through broken teeth.
metallic sweet,
bleeding
is healing.

im drunk, still drinking
and i want him to hurt me.
not because it’s him
or because i think i deserve it
i won’t remember in the morning
but right now, i need a feeling
i need connection loudly,
want to have every synapse shouting

YOU’RE HERE!!!!
YOU’RE HERE!!!!!!!!
YOU’RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!
_______________­__

when i asked my best friend to punch me in the face
i meant it.
two rounds of king’s cup in,
our other friend’s head in the toilet
and cloudy chance surrounding harlem
he slipped on boxing gloves
curled leather around his thumbs,
put his dukes up
and connected with empty air.
“im on my mcgregor ****”
tequila drip and ***** spit,
he was laughing.
i wished that i’d been hit.
a quick split lip to remember it
because come morning i wouldn't
recall him walking me to the train
as i zig-zagged in the rain
like it was my first day on brand new legs.
he held an umbrella over my head
his favorite coat was dripping wet, yet
he insisted i needed it more.
“let me know when you make it home”
but it sounded more
like a warning.
time square’s so empty at 2 in the morning.
down 42nd street with keys between knuckles
but i refused to look over my shoulder,
sometimes adrenaline
is adrenaline
is adrenaline.

two lives
two moralities
two vices i can’t give up

two bottles
two pound entry
two am and i’m stumbling home

two bodies
two moans
two people trying to feel alive

too broken
too chaotic
too hard to make this choice

Messages written on paper planes.


I've been sat here thinking;
Thinking about drinking.  
I've been sat here drinking;
Drinking my life to the stars.  


I think that I have fallen.
I feel like I have fallen to the ground.
The people they are all calling,
But I cannot answer right now.  


My head's in pieces;
No memories.
My hair’s receding;
I guess that's just the way it is.
My heart has been aching for a million years!
I'm through with waiting;
Waiting for true love to cure all my tears.  


These pictures I show you,
They just ain't what they used to be.
These stories I am creating,
I hope they allow you to see the real me,
But until that time I will carry my torch.
Until that time I will be searching for love.
Until that time,
I will crawl on all fours to kneel at your door;
Until you find me and I see your hands raising me up.  


The books that I am writing, the lies I have told;
The truth I've been hiding, to protect my soul.
The visions I had, before I grew old.
The memories I made…where did they all go?  


If love is out there somewhere, send her running to me.
If there's nothing out there for me,
Then I'll say goodbye and leave.
If all there is to find, is yet another lie,
Then let them all begone.
Put Lauryn’s Miseducation on and just leave me alone with her songs.


It's written down on paper, but it's a paper plane.
It's carved into the stone face, but it's hidden away.
It's written in the stars!  But the time is midday.
If all I need is really out there…
Then please send your message my way.


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

I take the first sip
then take a deep breath
A sigh of relief
Reassurance of my comfort zone

My head is quiet
I feel alive
I feel everything
Everything feels great

It's a few sips later
I feel a pain, the pain
Just under my right breast
I am killing myself and I can't stop it