paralyzing.
a black hole ******* me in
nausea creeps in waves starting in my stomach
hot then cold
and sweating
I can't get comfortable
I can't bear it.
I gag and *****
until there's nothing left
but something claws me to
dizzying spells anyways.
I cry to spill the fears inside
but none the less they continue to reside.
I travel wearily through the evening
just to find a hopeful feeling
I am met with,
all the more nothing.
so why move? I stay rooted in
a single position,
waiting for it to find me.

but my hearts in my throat and I'm starting to choke
on the nothingness that surrounds me.
I can't breathe,
I find no solace in sleep.
This must be the final chapter.

(II)

I suppose it makes sense,
I'm so broken
beyond repair anyway
what's the point?
my paint is peeling
my walls are cracking
my floorboards creak with every step
I'm a mess
I'm a wreck
no really, save yourself
leave me dead.

you don't have to stay
just do me one last favour?
put a gun to my head
paint the walls with blood and lead
and take my pain away.

I've reached the end
my brain can't think of words again
I've lost my connection with my pen
But these demons are still inside my head
And won't disappear as I count down from ten
I'm lost, afraid.. And every now and then
I contemplate... to get relief
By cutting up my veins

Drinking won't take away my pain
And the sun won't dry away the rain
But the thunder keeps calling out my name
Its roaring, screaming in my brain
It's driving me insane
Repeating it over and again
I'm looking at this mirror
With no idea who I am

I'm trying to collect all the fragments that remain
Of who I used to be, before the demons made
my brain into their domain
And I might be crazier than them
Because every day I feign
A smile so that no one can complain
That I'm the kid that is broken and alone
With no one but myself to blame

It’s hard to keep myself together
When the world keeps pulling me apart
sheltered myself from pain
Hid behind a guarded heart

I just want someone brave enough
To scale these walls
Someone to catch me
When I inevitably fall

I need someone
To look me in the eye
And knows when I say
“I’m fine” its a lie

Please care enough
To save me from myself
Care about my physical
And my mental health

The world is cruel
But I am still here
I just need someone
Before I disappear

i think i might disappear today,
take to the water and wind.
sink to the ocean and fade away
until i have become nothing.


— it’s quiet at the bottom of the sea

Should I disappear from you?
From everyone?
From your world?
Or from the universe?

There will be no more me,
to irritate you.
No more me,
to annoy you.
No more me.
to bother you.

If I disappear,
I won't be there,
to make you laugh.
Everything will change.

So be grateful.
Enjoy my silliness
caring loving and
stupid company, before
I close my eyes forever.