Id go back to the first moment
   Where your eyes shined brighter
When your lips curls up everytime
        you called my name

When your hands never grew tired
      holding mine
        As Cigarettes were my yesterday's comfort habit ,
     I got addicted to you more.

     I used to think love tasted sweeter
      the longer you stay
  
This time I need that time machine
        to get another taste .

We grew up together
Two peas in pod
You were my sidekick and I was yours
My one true platonic soulmate

So how did I let this happen?
How did I not know what was
Happening behind the four walls of your mind.
Behind the baggy sweaters that
Were suddenly "fashionable" all year round.

But if I think back carefully
Maybe I didn't miss it
Maybe I just ignored it

Ignored how when you got back from your
Summer in France the snug hoodie I gave you
Was no longer very snug
But rather hung like an ornament
On the thin frame of your body

Or how your legs began to resemble sticks
With a thigh gap most girls would die for.
Maybe I should have known the first time
You refused to eat your favourite ice cream
(chocolate mint chip) because calories!

When you told me you were in hospital
You said you were sick
But not in the way I thought you were
Because you didn't have chicken pox
Or pneumonia or bronchitis
You were sick in way that was much more twisted
You had a sickness of the mind
One that toyed with your thoughts
And messed with your sense
Until your body was wasting away.

I must admit at first I was angry
Because how could you keep this from me
I was your best friend and
You never told me your biggest secret
However then I was shocked
I could not understand
how you were in so much pain
And yet I did not know.
How had I cried for months
Proclaiming pain and suffering
That I believed no one could relate too
And yet here you were
Silently proclaiming the exact pain .

Option
Why do I have to be an option?
I set you as my priority
yet I’m not even in your important list.
Sensitive
Why can’t you be more sensitive?
I always put your feelings first before anything
yet you only think about yours.
Understand
Why do I always have to be the one who understands?
You do me wrong.
yet I don’t feel any sincerity in your sorry.
Apologize
Why do you say it when you never mean your sorry?
You say sorry
yet you do it all over again.

You always take my kindness for granted. But sooner or later, this soft heart will be for someone else and all what’s left for you? Your regrets.

A mountain not so tall
Sitting beside the river
A lonely day waiting to fall
Light from the moon will make
It better.

The mountain turns red
Mesmerized by the gracious moon
Into a mystical night he was led,
Cherishing the moment ,
As to keep the night,  it can't.

Water falls from the mountain ,
Everyday is a lonely ride,
As the day shines bright,
The mountain waits for the night.

What good am I?
The best in me's a lie.

My decisions defying
My reality.

My life's a mess ,
How can I rest?!

I don't even own my heart ,
It's already someones part

My thoughts full of contradiction ,
War between maturity and intuitions.

How can someone like me ,
Break free?

Through all these hardships and adversities.

A dark stranger hides behind corners in the corridors of my mind.
I have his name and he has mine.
Sometime I’ll say hello to him but just from time to time.
Sometimes he’s bound in broad, black,  wrought chains. Seeming beastly and      un-tame.
Sometimes he gets loose and plays sick and twisted games.
The dark stranger is a glutton for all the other sins.
Don’t be tempted by his offers, he will always win.
No dagger will stop him of iron, bronze or tin.
Nor will you find solace at the bottom of a gin.
The dark stranger must be tamed as he can never be the blamed.
For I have his name!
I have his name.
The dark stranger must never be embraced for even one, short, sweet taste and he never stops the chase.
Beware the dark stranger lurking in your mind, lest you wake one day and he is all that you can find.

Endless lighting
   And grey sky
Comes the daylight
    In my mind
Open my eyes
   But find out the night

i scream until my throat hurts
until it feels scratched
by your jagged fingernails

i scream until the pain numbs
and dulls a bit

i scream until i cry

tears uncontrollably streaming down my face

I can live on my own
I don't mind waking up to an empty room
Playing my morning playlist from my phone
Drinking a cup of warm tea, eating pan fried eggs and mushroom

I'm not lonely
I'm alright, everything is really lovely...

How sure am I
that I'm fine and
I can live on my own?