Between your branches
I’ve grown too comfortably

My roots have recognized
Every gap every blemish

Becoming acclimated
To only your atmosphere

I can no longer flourish
Without you

i cant describe the feeling of walking down the bridge , the musician playing the most generic song ever,
but for some reason
at that moment it isn't generic.
in fact, its like walking into an air conditioned room after a long day of being in the hot sun, comfortable.
walking down the bridge felt comfortable.
not only comfortable, it felt right
i
felt right
i felt like i belonged,
the wind brushing my hair,
the sun complementing my complexion
i actually felt like i belonged somewhere
i complemented the sun, the sun complemented me,
i have
b l o s s o m ed
my foot is in front of the other, walking and walking,
it felt like i could walk forever
replaying the moment of serenity in my head making me feel
a l i v e
for the first time in forever

At times I feel socially awkward
hiding away those eyes from contact
mumbling and stuttering
as though I were stumbling,
upon the words as I was discovering.

Please don’t think I don’t want to talk
when I rush out,
Please don’t think I don’t want to talk,
when I don’t open your messages.

I escape out of nervosity
I feel the fuzziness in my head
butterflies in my stomach
nervosity in my nerves
lack of air in my lungs
tremble in my muscles
and the gritting of my teeth on my nails
as it drains every ounce of energy out of me.

I hide behind shadows
so I don’t encounter any social interaction.

No matter how many times I plan
and play a conversation in my head
I shudder and fret in reality,
making myself look like an awkward mess.

I want to be friends
I want to say hi
but the words do not escape
for I feel tongue tied.

I feel conscience and dreadful
for being such an awkward mess
choking on words
unable to let them
escape my tongue.

I am thinking
more than I am speaking
I can have a conversation in my head
but somehow, I find it difficult in reality.

But then you reach out
and make the first move
It makes it easier;
only to find myself
being an embarrassment once again.

But you don’t judge
you play it cool
and remain patient
you still show an eager to talk
and maybe that was what I needed
to be comfortable and me.

But how do I be happy
when I'm so comfortable being sad?

do you remember
that night months ago
cold breeze of September
the moon a bright glow

we drove away from the light
to stare at the skies
the stars becoming so bright
and reflecting in your eyes

we laid there for some time
in the bed of my truck
talking of our past crime
in your arms getting stuck

as the night dragged on
the chilly air blew
both stifling a yawn
closer we grew

talking or not
I laid facing you
our legs wrapped in a knot
I had an amazing view

I had never felt so at ease
being so close to someone
giving your arm a gentle squeeze
my fear came undone

I remember this night
as when I met my best friend
and it felt really right
for us to platonically blend

as friends we remain
this night meaning not a thing
but a link in the chain
to which our friendship can cling

I've become so needy for approval since you left
I need someone to tell me I'm worthy
I'm special
I'm doing fine
Most of all I need to believe it
I need to accept it
Accept it's not coming from you but it's still just as true.

a thousand and three hundred days
since I first heard your name
spoken quietly in front of a busy classroom
your hair pulled back into a neat ponytail

common, I thought
fitting into that pocket of ordinary
another face I will forget
another voice that I will lose in a crowd

so with everyone else
I merely tapped the edge of my notebook
wishing that I could find a way to disappear
into the lines of my notebook pages

months passed and you were 15 steps away
I used to settle into a corner near you
but I never bothered to offer my words
someone else needed them
and I used to clutch her hands until she stopped crying

and I sang her lullabies
and I used to belong in the nook beside her feet
and I thought she was my everything
and nothing felt the way her touch did

but I remember that one time
that she was gone and I was lost
and I found my place by your feet
I found a corner I could breathe in

there was still a distance
for you weren't who I would search for
and we may have exchanged words
but they were emptier than my hands without her

we grew apart
because what was there to hold onto?
do we hold on to the similarities that are but trivial?
do we hold on to the way we used to grin at each other when our gazes met?

days went by, weeks, months
I found hands to clutch and arms to hold me together
within those four walls I found more
more than what our wood-enclosed space could offer

there were early morning talks with small biscuits
there were pieces I wrote over the forgotten places
there were bittersweet tears on sleeves
there were stories bounced around

your name was still there
somewhere between the whispers and the lost chapters
and all I could think was I knew you
or well, I used to

there were the glimpses of you through windows
there was the same smile shared
so far and yet nothing changed
so far and yet I kept remembering how I fit into your corner

and then something brought us together again
I did not want to start over
I did not want to say "hi" for the first time in a long time
but it felt like I didn't need it

soon enough we were sharing stories under tables
our jackets barely keeping out the chill
our hands wandering into each other like magnets
and for some sort of reason I never ran out of words

you knew my heart
knew the way it beat so tirelessly for someone
knew how I had to choose
knew how I smiled through the screen when I told you
and I knew yours

good morning and goodnight
every single day, no fail
all those words and laughs in between
all those things that you found out about first

2am sleepy conversations
with coffee in our systems and glitters on our legs
tired eyes and wrong words
the lure of sleep pulling us in

6am greetings
you say you've just woken up
and I am ready to leave
I ask you if I should bring anything
and you're too tired to remember

5pm checks
"are you going to do this?"
"nah, I'd rather sleep."
I tell you about his smile
And you tell me about the way he holds you

and slowly we get more comfortable with the silence
all of the little things we share through the quiet
all the lack of words that never feel empty
the understanding that we are more than what we tell each other

that one time I could've really held you
with the colored lights too blinding and the music too loud
but I didn't mind any of them
since the moment I saw you

but he took you away
and I kept shouting in protest
and it didn't feel fair
but I forgot about it too soon anyways

I spent most of the night
trying to keep myself upright
holding onto the hands that took mine
trying to find you in the mess

and there was another time
when I told him to look for you
when he came back and told me you were with someone else
and my heart broke for him

and after that you realized that you really didn't know me
it was the first time we really fought
I was sobbing and you said words I never thought I would hear from you

then there was the unbearable silence
and only then did I realize that it was destructive
the way I needed to talk to you
because there was nothing but loneliness in the absence

I thought I would never get you back
I was afraid of so much
for the first time in a while
there was nothing but tears

and you came back
you held me and embraced me and told me everything I wanted to hear

I sang to you the songs I drunkenly remember
I wrote again after a lifetime of deleted drafts
I found my corner once more

but with that
I found out
that you were in love
I should've been happy
but something was wrong

and every day that you tell me about him
I die a little bit inside
but I will be happy
because that's all I should really be

sometimes your hand wanders into mine
sometimes I can tell you I love you until you fall asleep
sometimes your head is on my shoulder and I know it belongs there
sometimes I pretend that you can be mine

one thousand and three hundred days
and I know your name anywhere.